The rest of my shift went by without further events worth mentioning, apart from the fact I got suspended for a week.
Barf.
Ignoring Tasha's complaints about 'having to spend a week with probably the worst rookies ever' or the fact that I was actually ditching her for drinks after all, I hid a smirk as I dismissed myself and headed to my car. Waiting for Tyler, I absentmindedly checked my phone just to find out he had texted me, telling me Jess had already picked him up while I was having my ass handed to me by the Chief.
I was more than ready to go home, take a nice bath and enjoy a cold beer while watching tv.. but something in the back of my mind was bugging me, and I could no longer ignore it now that my shift was over.
That's why I found myself in the hospital's parking lot a while later. I knew Skylar had surgery and that she was now doing fine, but I wanted to check up on her and see for myself nonetheless.
"Or maybe I'm just hoping to bump into her..", I mumbled to myself as I killed the engine, sitting there a little longer than needed.
Did I want to bump into her? I honestly had no idea.
I think I wanted to see her but at the same time I wanted her to be gone from my life for good. But unfortunately those were mutually exclusive.
Glancing at the time on my phone, I released a sigh of relief when I realized that visiting hours were over and that there was no way that was going to happen. Not today at least.
Sighing, I climbed out of my car and slowly made my way inside, the nurse at the acceptance desk sending me up to Sky's room without further questioning. Ah, the perks of being a first responder.
Reaching her door, I took a deep breath as I nervously started to fidget with my hands. Why the fuck was I here? I mean.. I already knew she was okay, so why on earth did I feel the need to come here? Was I looking for answers I knew she wasn't going to give me? And even if she did, did I really want to hear them from her?
Brushing away those thoughts, I softly knocked on her door and poked my head inside, a pair of tired eyes and a weak smile greeting me and inviting me to come in.
"Hey..", Sky croaked out, attempting to sit up in her bed but refraining from doing so in a split second.
"Hey..", I awkwardly replied as I slowly walked further into the room, my eyes nervously and pointlessly scanning the place as if I was expecting her sister to be here.
"No need to be on edge, she went home a couple of hours ago.", she sighed, flashing me a knowing look as she read my mind.
"Right.", I mumbled, scratching the back of my head out of embarrassment before I took a seat on the chair next to her bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Uhm, let's see..", she trailed off with a teasing smirk. "Like I went skydiving and my parachute didn't open. Besides, I think I'm high on painkillers."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yup, and I'm enjoying it."
"Of course you are.", I chuckled, shaking my head at her as I settled further into my chair. "What did the doctor say, any idea as to when you'll be discharged?"
"Meh, not yet.", she huffed, suddenly averting her eyes from mine as she started to play with the hem of her blanket, a sheepish smile creeping up on her lips. "They're keeping me under observation for the next couple of days, just to make sure the surgery went well and that I don't have any more internal bleeding.. so I don't think I'll be out of here for another week or so. However, they did say you were crucial in getting me to the hospital alive.."
I smiled warmly at her, totally unsure what to answer mainly because she was now looking at me as if she wanted to tell me so many things but she was refraining from doing so. And it scared me.
"You saved my life, Alex.. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
"I-.. I was just doing my job, Sky."
"Right.", she rolled her eyes at me, pulling a funny face that I decided to ignore.
"So, Jess texted me earlier..", I paused, more than eager to change the subject. "She-"
"She wanted to swing by today but she was swamped with work so she's gonna come visit tomorrow, I know.", she cut me off, laughing at my puzzled look. "She texted me."
"Oh.. I didn't know you two were still in touch.. Not that it bothers me, it's just-"
"We weren't. Before today, I haven't heard from her since, you know.."
I quietly nodded, silence abruptly wrapping around us as I looked away from her, the pain from so many years ago coming back like a boomerang. And even though I was trying to put up a strong front, I knew she could see right through it.
"Alex, for what is worth, I'm so sorry for what happened. And I'm not saying it just because you saved my life, I-"
"Does she know?", I questioned, my jaw clenching out of pure instinct. "That it was me who saved you?"
"No.. but-"
"No buts.", I shook my head, bringing my eyes back to hers and looking at her dead serious. "I want it to keep it that way. I don't want her to ever know."
"Alex..", she huffed, the seriousness of her gaze mirroring mine. "Don't be ridiculous, she has to know."
"No, she doesn't.", I bit back, raising a hand to stop her when she opened her mouth to speak again. "Look, I don't even know how I feel about the possibility of running into her yet. You know better than me that if you tell her, that's the first thing that's gonna happen. So I'm asking you, please, to keep it to yourself and mind your own business."
"Hey, why do you have to be so snippy?"
"Why do you have to be so snoopy?", I questioned with a teasing smirk, stifling a laugh at the exasperated sigh she let out.
But we both ended up laughing after a short amount of time staring at each other, a laugh that was short lived because of the pain her stitches were causing her.
"Fine.", she gritted, shaking her head at me. "I don't agree with you, but I won't tell her if that's really what you want."
"Thank you."
"Just let me say one thing: she really-"
"Whatever it is, I don't wanna hear it."
"Jesus, I'm surrounded by stubborn idiots.", she grunted, crossing her arms and releasing a resigned huff.
Not wanting any details about her statement, I awkwardly patted her leg and stood from my seat, slowly approaching the door to leave.
"Now get some rest okay? I'll be back in the next couple of days.", I stated, my hand already on the door knob when her voice caused me to turn around and face her once again.
"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you..", she whispered, flashing me the most genuine smile that so awfully reminded me of her sister.
I was so not ready to see her.
A while later, I was pulling up in front of my house, Jess' figure sitting on my porch steps barely noticeable under the dim light. I sighed, already knowing why she was waiting for me. I mean, I was grateful for her checking up on me, but I seriously wasn't in the mood to talk and 'explore my feelings' and all that bullshit. But I knew I wasn't getting away from her so easily.
"Hey babe.", she greeted me with a small smile as I sat next to her, eagerly taking the beer that she was handing me. "How are you feeling?"
"Wobbly.", I weakly smirked, taking a well needed swig. "It's been a long, weird day."
"Yeah, no shit. How long have you been suspended for?"
"Jeez, I see good news travel quickly huh?"
"You know Tyler can't keep his mouth shut.", Jess chuckled, bumping her shoulder with mine. "Besides, he's worried about you.. he said you've been zoning out all day."
"A week. I've been suspended for a week.", I mumbled, trying to dodge the main topic at hand but knowing I had no such luck. "But I don't care. I'd do it all over again."
She also had no fucking clue as to what was really bothering me to the core about the entire situation, and I knew once I told her she'd freak out, maybe even more than me.
Thing is, I couldn't even finish the thought in my own head, let alone voice it out loud.
"Wanna talk about it?", she questioned, carefully studying me as I avoided her gaze.
"I froze when I saw her, Jess.", I whispered, absentmindedly playing with the label of my beer. "Literally, for a second I forgot how to breathe, or where I was, or what I was supposed to be doing.. Like, I knew it was Sky in front of me but all I could see was her.. Just the sight of her sister sent me into a frenzy. It managed to crack open that tiny little box of memories and feelings I had so much trouble to forget, little did I know I've never forgotten them.. I just pushed them to the far end of my entire being. I mean.. what's gonna happen when I see her, Jess? I hate her for what she did to me."
"Well.. do you want to see her?, she frowned. "You don't have to if you don't want to."
"I don't.", I gritted, tightening the grip on my beer. "But what I want and need are answers. I know they won't change jack shit, but at least I'll have a freakin' reason as to why I got my heart broken. I think she owes me that much.. then she can go back to her life for all I care, it's not like she hasn't moved on already.", I snorted, shaking my head and immediately regretting the words that just came out of my mouth.
No way in hell Jess didn't catch that.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing.", I blurted way too quickly for my liking, or hers for that matter.
"Can you die of constipation? I ask because I'm worried about how full of shit you are."
"Shut up.", I laughed out loud, shoving her away from me but not missing the stern look she was giving me. "Really, it's nothing. It's dumb."
"Yeah, so dumb your eyes are watery."
I sighed, aware that my emotions were already giving me away. I wasn't ready to say it out loud, I wasn't ready for it to become reality once I did, but I also knew if I kept it to myself any longer I'd eventually blow up.
"I.. I think she has a daughter, Jess."
I silently nodded at her, sniffling my nose as I watched her jaw hang open, her eyes wide in shock as she opened and closed her mouth to speak, no words coming out of it though.
"Yup, crazy huh?", I laughed, a laugh dripping with sarcasm. "Sky, she.. she had a little girl sitting in the back seat of the car this morning. While I was treating her, she kept looking towards the front of the car and I tried to reassure her that whom I assumed to be her mom was going to be okay.. However, it dawned on me later today that she addressed her as her aunt."
"Please, tell me you're shitting me."
"I wish..", I sadly replied, shaking my head. "Her name's Shay Stevens. She's 6 years old and she's fucking beautiful."
I couldn't help the small smile that escaped my lips as I pictured her sweet little face, the long, black, curly hair that framed her features, her insanely warm blue eyes and her tiny little nose covered in freckles. I mean, if there was some truth to all the genetic bullshit, I shouldn't be surprised she managed to give birth to such a cute girl. Too bad a big part of me was having trouble accepting she had her with someone else and not-
Stop it.
"Holy fuck..", she whispered, hardly recovering from the shock. "How's that even p-"
"I don't know.", I shrugged, cutting her off. "My best guess is she cheated on me, ended up pregnant, and left because of it.", I gloomily admitted, unfazed by the insistent shake of the head my best friend was giving me. "Think about it, it's the only thing that makes sense. She left 7 years ago and had a kid a year after that or somewhere around that time. The timing fits."
"I don't give a crap about timing, Alex. I don't believe it for a second that she cheated on you."
"I like your optimism.", I sadly sighed, downing the rest of my beer and standing up. "Good thing we're all entitled to have our own opinions about things."
"Alex-"
"It's late and I'm tired Jess.", I breathed out as I started to head inside, completely drained by everything that went down in the past few hours. "Thanks for the beer babe, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Do you want me to sleep over?", she offered, knowing full well the conversation was over and done with.
"No, but thanks.", I weakly smiled at her before closing the door behind me.
I needed to be alone.
———
Since every single thought swirling in my head was about no other than that moherfucker, I once again got zero fucking sleep. Seriously, it felt like I was in high school all over again and I already had enough of it all.
Coming to terms with the fact that getting some rest was out of question, I crawled out of bed around 7am, got ready and went for a therapeutic run with Sparky.
A little over two years ago, a huge park opened a few miles away from my house, and Sparky and I would run there any chance we got just for him to enjoy himself with other dogs while I took my time to catch my breath before running back. I loved our small routine, especially now that the weather was slowly warming up.. what I didn't love though were all the other 'dog parents' that felt compelled to make small talk with me, hence why I'd just sit on the farest bench, minding my own business while still keeping an eye on my dog.
Like seriously Karen, I don't give a flyin' fuck if your schnauzer hasn't pooped in over a week.
With Sparky running around in the distance, I was absentmindedly scrolling through Facebook when I received a text from an unsaved number.
'Hey, I was thinking about you.. I had a great time last week, maybe we could do it again?'
Trying not so hard to remember who this girl was, I was honestly more concerned as to how and why she had my number.. then I remembered a chick that lost her phone in my room so I let her borrow mine in order to find it and get the fuck out just as quickly, so I assumed it was her. Not wanting to be bothered any further though, I typed in a brief reply to get her off my back.
Alex 8.14am
'Unsubscribe.'
I didn't even have time to think to myself how hilarious I was that I looked up and saw Sparky literally jumping on a woman who was unsuccessfully trying to get away. Frowning, as that was a very weird behavior coming from him, I quickly got to my feet and jogged towards them.
"Sparky!", I yelled as I was a couple of feet away. "Buddy get off her, what's wrong with you?!"
But my words fell on deaf ears as he kept jumping up and down, barking his head off, his tail wagging like crazy as he didn't even realize I was talking to him. Cursing under my breath, I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him away, the woman he was bothering still giving me her back while I was trying my best to calm him down.
"I'm so sorry Ma'am.", I apologized, putting his leash on and bringing my eyes back to her, her entire body looking as if she was frozen in place. "He-.. he never acts up like that, I'm really sorry.", I blurted, cautiously reaching for her arm for her to turn around. "Hey, are you okay? Did he hurt-"
I wanted to instantly puke as I came face to face with a pair of all too familiar guilty grey eyes, causing me to instantly snatch away my hand and take a step back.
The main reason of my sleepless night was standing in front of me, and if it wasn't for my dog still going ballistic and keeping me with my feet to the ground, I would've thought I was full on dreaming. Or having a nightmare.
Either way, I was speechless, my heart skipping several beats as I took her in.
She looked exactly as how I remembered her: her wavy long black hair was longer than ever, framing her face even more graciously than it did before; her eyes were burning holes into my soul, a hint of the love and appreciation she used to look at me with mixed with guilt, and fear, and shock; her slightly opened lips were screaming at me, tempting me to claim them as mine as I used to do every time I had the chance, painfully reminding me of everything we shared, of every single time those same lips traced every inch of my skin, making me burn up into flames. Those lips that were just a brutal memory and that were now speaking to me.
Of course my dog had to recognize the one person he hasn't seen in forever while he still had trouble recognizing the same fucking mailman coming to our house every day.
"H-hey..", she stuttered, her voice barely audible as she looked at the ground.
"'Hey'?", I harshly spat, unable to keep the venom lacing my tone to myself. "Seven years, Ashley. Seven fucking years and all you've got is a pathetic 'hey'?"
She went to open her mouth but as I expected nothing came out. There was literally nothing she could say or come up with to make the situation better for herself, and if she still knew me like she used to, she was well aware that any bullshit excuse would've made me lose my mind.
But it was already too late for that, cause I was full on pissed.
"Why, Ashley? Why did you throw me away like I meant absolutely nothing to you?", I hissed, watching her figure get smaller and smaller in front of me. "And try to grace me with a fucking answer cause I swear to God I'm trying really hard not to slap you in the face."
Needless to say it was useless. Unable to even look at me, she stood there in some sort of trance as I saw a thousand of different emotions cross her eyes. I had a billion questions, about where she's been, about Shay, about why the fuck she did this to me, but I knew it was pointless. Besides, if I did, that would've opened the doors to a bunch of unwanted questions.
"Some things never change, huh?", I scoffed, tightening my grip on Sparky's leash as I knew I had to get away from her, the sooner the better. "Same old freakin' silence.. You know what? For whatever reason, I don't give a flyin' fuck. It's not like it'll change what you did, so.. Apparently you're a coward and I'm not worthy of a shred of an explanation; apparently you never really gave a shit about me to begin with so be it."
"That's not true.", she replied, her pleading and watery eyes locking with mine.
"It is.", I deadpanned, refusing to let my emotions get the best of me. "It is, or else you wouldn't have left like that. Yet you did, and that's enough proof for me. It was oh so lovely running into you, let's never do it again."
With that being said, I turned around and walked away, Sparky reluctantly following as I fought back the tears that were threatening to escape.
"Alex, plaese.. I can't. I- you don't und-"
"'Please' what, Ashley?!", I growled, catching the attention of a few nosy people. "'You can't' what? What is it that I don't understand?! Enlighten me the fuck up!"
"I'm sorry.", she croaked out, her voice breaking as a sob escaped her lips, the shake of her head telling me that's all she had to say.
But I wasn't falling for that anymore. I wasn't going to let her tears get to me or allow them to even scratch the gigantic walls I once again built around me. She was upset, but while 7 years ago I would've gone above and beyond to comfort her, I now couldn't care less if she cried herself to sleep for the rest of her life.
"What? Oh, I hear an echo.. Shoot, that's it: that's the last thing I heard from you 7 years ago and guess what? It didn't matter to me then just like it doesn't matter to me now."
Does anyone wanna come on holiday with me? Cause I'm thinking about going to the Bermuda triangle and just fucking disappear.
Therapeutic run my ass.