Gearing up for war is how you would think it feels like. Anxiety wrapped around me like a tight blanket. The feeling that they could just throw grenades or snipe up in the comfort of their own vehicle made for nightmares every night. I would always find myself wondering the cellblock at night, keeping watch out in the distance. Daryl had tried to calm me down but it sometimes made it worse. One night, I woke up sweat dripped down my forehead. I didn't wake Daryl, which were the best because then I wouldn't have to worry him. I carefully left the bed and headed downstairs into the common area.
"Bad dreams sweetheart?" I knew who it was even though I couldn't see their face. Their artificial hand made it very obvious along with his thick accent. I sat down on the bench of the table, the coolness helped my bodies temperature.
"Only saw the man once and now every night I dream he sneaks in here and finishes what he started." I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes trying to keep the tears from coming. I heard footsteps and then heard him sit beside me. I looked up and saw the outline of his head, "You make him happy." He suddenly said, totally disregarding what I said but I expected nothing less from him.
"I've never seen my baby brother this happy. We had issues growing up, with our old man. Our mama passed away when he was young. Man, we've been through it. Yet, you make him- smile." Merle paused at his own words taking them in before pressing his hand on my arm, "I'm sorry for what I put ya through, both ya and Glenn. I didn't have to bring ya two back but I did. The governor, he's crazy. He won't stop until everyone in this prison is dead. He knows how much you mean to us all. Man, I only knew ya for a day and I couldn't take my mind off ya. We need to kill him because he will finish what he started with you, but this time, he'll do it in front of everyone who loves you. My brother, that old man, james, me. Make them watch as right after he finishes will shoot you in the back of the head. He has no remorse, he doesn't hesitate. That's why I can't sleep, I don't want anyone to die."
His words echoed in my ears up through the next day. I sat motionless on a bench in the courtyard. I kept watch as Daryl, Rick, and Hershel talked. Something had happened, stuff was said but I would never know. Because my anxiety had gotten a hold of me, it felt like the farm. After I lost Amanda. It felt like I already had lost the prison, everyone I've loved.
I've played out Merle's words in my head every minute. The governor laying his hands on me as he touched me the way Daryl touched me. Except, I was crying. I was suffocating as they all watched me. Then blackness, my body falling limp as they all tried to come at him but Woodbury's army gunned them down before they even made an inch towards him.
Without taking my eyes off a small pebble on the ground, I heard someone sit beside me. He leaned his crossbow on the bench and moved a piece of my hair from my face. I didn't move, I felt like if I took my hands off the bottom of this bench I would fly away. He then softly spoke, "you left last night." I remained still, "Rick told me something, it's a way to make this stop, a way to survive." That word made a spark ignite in my body. I quickly turned towards him, laying my eyes on the worried looking hunter. I waited for him to continue, "the governor wants Michonne-" but before he could finish I interrupted, "we gotta do it." He nodded slightly, "Rick already made up his mind. He's gonna do it. It will avoid a fight, avoid more people dying." I couldn't help but feel guilty for the life we were destroying, but the image of the governor killing everyone else sinked away slowly.
We heard the sound of people leaving the cellblock, Glenn's eyes caught mine. He waved for Daryl to come help. I looked at Daryl with a small smile before bringing him into a small kiss. He wrapped his hand around my wrist that was cupping his cheek. Once I pulled away I whispered, "be careful." He gave me a weak smile back, "you too." Before he stood up and walked over to Glenn, Maggie, and Michonne. Once they were gone, I stood up and made my way into the cellblock.
When I made it in, I saw Carol with Judith. Giving her a smile, I went over to see a couple of dishes needing to be washed, "how are you doing?" I asked her as she laid the baby down in a crib Rick had found on a run, "preparing for the worst." She admitted as I began to organize some of the food we had our noticing we needed to tidy up a bit. I couldn't help but feel a little more hopeful.
"We'll be fine." I stated more to myself than to Carol, I caught her glance before she gave me a small hopeful smile.
"I hope so."
•••
Later, I sat down at the table with Hershel, Maggie, and Beth. Hershel had said he wanted to read us a passage. I held the hands of both of my adoptive sisters and felt the presence of James in the room. Even though he had caused me so much pain, the Greene's sort of took him in too. He leaned against a wall eyeing us as we listened to Hershel speak.
"Thou shalt not be afraid, for the terror by night. Nor for the arrow that flieth by day. Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness. Nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. 1,000 shall fall at thy side and 10,000 at thy right hand. But it shall not come
nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Surely He shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee and under His wings shalt thou trust. There shall no evil
befall thee. Neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling."
Listen to his words felt safe. He had faith, but when we looked up from our bent heads, he had a tear forming in his eyes and he looked weary. I looked over at Maggie who was already asking the question, "are you okay?" Hershel's eyes flickered to us three, a took both Maggie and Beth's then looked at me with a loving father stance, "there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do to keep you three safe." A smiled creeped up on my face. I wrapped an arm around Beth as I heard the door creek behind me. Hershel stood up quickly and I turned my head to see Rick.
"Rick what you're about to do-" Hershel spoke, Rick held a hand up stopping him, "I can't. I won't."
My eyes widened as I noticed James posture change. He then looked out of the window and quickly made his way out of the cellblock. I listened as the door shut behind him. Curiously, I stood up and followed him outside. He was running towards the entrance of the prison but I caught up with him spinning him around to face me. His face had begun to become red from the running pace as he looked panicked, "go back inside Sunshine." He warned but I didn't, of course I didn't.
"What are you doing?" I stubbornly asked, he searched my eyes and knowing me knew I wasn't going to let him leave until he told me, "Merle and I- we knew Rick wasn't going to go through with it. I mean, he was planning to kill me, he didn't go through with it- so Merle is waiting for me with an unconscious Michonne to take to the governor." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He wasn't serious, this was a death march and he knew it, "James-" I didn't even get to finish my sentence, he just pulled me into a tight hug. I hesitated at first but then pulled him close hugging him back. I knew there wasn't a way to change his mind, he was as stubborn as me, "make it back, the both of you." I whispered to him before he pulled from my embrace and then turned around.
•••
I sat on the same bench, I struggled internally with my choice of letting him go. I basically sent him on a Suicide mission. There was more I could've done, screamed, went with him. Merle already had Michonne. I placed my head in my hands when I heard the door open and I saw a worried Rick, Daryl closely following behind. I knew Rick just realized they were gone by the way he moved. I stood from my spot, my pace started out slow but I then started to run towards them, "Merle and James- they- made- some sort of- packed. They left." I said in between breaths, the two men looked shocked at me and then at each other. Daryl's eyes seemed to harden as he looked at Rick, "I'll track him."
Before I could think I nodded, "I'll go." Daryl sent me daggers and shook his head, "you've done enough." His voice was low but I didn't care at this point, I knew I messed up letting them go but James was out there too, and that's exactly what I said, "James is out there, he won't listen to you. I'm going." And before he could protest any further, I turned on my heel and started to make my way out of the prison.
The way we walked seemed like our current breakthrough romance had never of happened. He knew I was difficult, so why was he even surprised. He kept his eyes on the ground, and his crossbow tight in his grip. We didn't speak unless we came across a walker. We were walking closer when we saw Michonne take down a walker close to motel. Daryl and I exchanged looks before we ran up to her.
"Where are they?" I asked pointing with my knife, Michonne who looked sort of tired and defeated turned around and pointed towards the direction they went, "said they were gonna take him out, before the governor would take out you." She then pointed at me, watching her finger extend in my direction made me sick to my stomach. I felt the stares from Daryl but I avoided them, "thank you Michonne." Was all I said until Daryl and I moved quickly past her and started to run to where we had met the governor a couple of days ago.
When we made it, it was quiet. Too quiet. Multiple people laid on the ground dead, clearly a shootout had taken place. I gulped and stopped in my pace. Daryl noticed turning his head and looking at me, "hey-" he started but I just looked in shock at the walkers crawling the place and then back into his blue eyes, "whatever happens?" He asked me and I blinked the tears away taking my hand and wrapping it around the locket, "we p-protect each other." I managed to get out, my voice rocky.
As I took another step, I held my knife in my hands. I looked around at the walkers making sure that none resembled James or Merle. I followed closely behind Daryl when I noticed a familiar walker bended down eating another person, when he noticed our footprints, his eyes connected with us. I gasped and took a step back. Merle, a gun wound in his chest. He had already turned his lifeless soulless eyes met ours. I then looked at Daryl who scrunched his face trying to not cry. He then looked at me, hopeless and then back at his brother. It broke my heart as Merle stood up. He began to make his way over to us but I knew it wasn't him, that thing wanted to eat us. I let a tear fall as Daryl pushed his brother away. He let out a grunt as he pushed him one last time. Then he pushed him down climbing on top of him before stabbing him multiple times in the head. Even though Merle was dead, Daryl continued and continued. I gasped as I ran over to him and placed my arms around him. Once he felt me, he went backwards letting out a sob.
Hearing this sent a cold feeling down my spin, I took his head into my arms as I felt his hands find their way to my hips as he brought me into a hug. I held him close as he cried into the crook my neck. I let a tear fall as I lingered my eyes over to the person who Merle was eating,
James.