"God, I can't fucking do this I can't do this I really can't do this-"
"Kels?"
"I fucking can't I'm going to throw up-"
"Kels!" Ashton exclaims, grabbing my wrist and turning me around.
"Huh? What?" I ask, closing my eyes tightly as I take a deep breaths and grab his hands.
"You need to breathe. If you don't want to go, you don't have to." He tells me, looking me in my eyes that I've finally opened.
I hastily pull my hands away from his, quickly realizing that was just making my anxiety worse.
"Kels?" He questions, clearly just confused.
"I do have to go. I want to. It's just scary." I explain, continuing to take deep breaths.
"Okay. If you need anything, I'm here."
-
"Luke, hi." I nervously smile, while he stands up from his chair as I approach the table.
"Kels, hey, how are you?" He asks, nervously going in for a hug.
I take a deep breath, giving him a quick hug before answer his question, "I'm doing okay, I guess. And you?"
Luke smiles as we sit down, before looking up at me, "I'm a lot better now."
"Luke-"
"Listen, I'm not trying to be like that. This city can be very stressful. It's nice to see a familiar face that's not one of my employees." He interrupts, letting out a quiet sigh.
I just nod, nervously chewing on my lip.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I don't know. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I mean, this is a little weird for me. I don't know how it's not for you. We just got divorced, I don't know." I shrug, looking down at my hands.
"I get it. Just trying to ignore that. Trying to just be friends." He replies, forcing a smile.
"How've you been back home?" I ask, trying to change the subject.
He shrugs, "Working, mostly."
"You haven't been sleeping around in celebration?" I joke, a small smirk on my lips.
"Ever since you've been to Seattle, I've barely been able to look at other girls. God, you're literally all I can think about."
All I could think about was that I had a secret I was hiding. I know he needs to know soon. Telling him in person would probably be the best option.
I sigh, taking a deep breath, "Listen, Luke. If anything will ever happen with us again, or even just being friends, I feel like we need to be honest with each other. About everything. Even if we don't want to."
"Yeah. Of course, Kels."
"About you not seeing anybody since Seattle..."
Am I really doing this?
"Oh. Are you back with Michael? I get it, I guess-"
"I'm pregnant, Luke." I blurt, interrupting him.
Why am I saying this?
Luke chokes on his coffee, before going into a coughing fit for what felt like forever. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, obviously." I mutter, unable to look at him as he stares at me.
"Are you- are you serious?"
I roll my eyes, "Yes, Luke."
"I- I just-"
"I haven't even told him yet, I haven't told anybody but Kiana yet. I just- I felt like I had to be open with you." I pause as I sniffle. Luke's still trying to catch his breath so I continue, "I don't think you can hold this against me. You cheated on me. We aren't together. We're friends. I know this might hurt whatever we might've had in the future, but this is how it is."
"I don't know what to say." He replies, his voice soft.
"Just tell me you're not upset. Tell me you don't hate me."
Luke sighs, leaning back in his chair, "I don't hate you, Kels. How many times do I have to say I'd never hate you?"
"You're upset?"
He stays silent. The silence is deafening
"I get it, I guess. Maybe seeing you wasn't a good idea, I should go." I tell him, before I quickly stand up, trying to gather my things, "I have an appointment this afternoon because of some issues anyways-"
"Hey, wait, stop. Will you sit back down?" Luke asks, a frustrated groan passing his lips as he reaches out to me.
I sit back down without saying anything, unable to look at him.
"Hey, I love you. Nothing changes here. I just- I'm in shock. I'm not sure what to do. In my mind we were eventually going to get back together. But, if you and Michael are having a baby I know you'll probably get back with him."
"It's not Michael's. I'm not getting back together with him. We are trying out the whole friends thing, though." I nervously chew on my lip, not sure how to go about this.
"Oh?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
He rolls his eyes, "I'll find out eventually."
Taking a deep breath, I try to brace myself for his reaction, "Ashton."
"Ashton?" Luke questions, "I fucking knew he was always trying to get with you."
"That's not true! We're friends and always have been. He was drunk and I made a choice that maybe wasn't smart."
"Maybe you shouldn't have fucked somebody that was drunk when you were sober."
"I know that, Luke. I said that to him. I just missed Michael and my life seemed like a mess, I figured I'd have some fun. He came at me, and we just- it happened. And you know what? You have no right to judge me." I tell him, getting angrier with him as I continue talking.
Luke sighs, "I'm not going to stop talking to you or anything, Kels. I can drive you to your appointment if you need?"
"I can bus or whatever, don't worry about it. You're busy here." I mumble, looking down at my hands in my lap.
"Not really. I just have a couple meetings while I'm here. I came a day early just to have more time with you."
"Luke-"
"I really understand if you don't want me there, but... I just want to make sure you're okay."
I sigh, "Fine. But you're not coming in or anything. You can drop me off and go do what you need to do."
"Fine. When do you need to go?"
"It's in about two hours."
"Nice, two more hours with you." He smiles, smirking at me.
I just weakly smile, "I need you to keep me calm. Just, don't say anything stupid for now, okay?"
Luke laughs, a wide smile across his lips, "I can't promise you that. But I'll try my best."
-
Luke had dropped me off at my appointment. I was almost crying before I went in. He tried to calm me down, but this situation and because it was him it just wasn't going well.
I was just finishing up now, the baby is doing okay. I don't want to think about it anymore now that I'm leaving. I just want to forget about it all for now.
After putting the ultrasound scan into my purse, I pull out my phone as I walk out of the building, just wanting to order an Uber. I just wanted to get home, I don't want to wait for the bus.
When my name is being called, I turn back around to see Luke getting out of his rental car.
"Wha- What are you doing here?" I ask, approaching him.
"I waited."
"I told you not to. I was in the for almost an hour." I tell him, trying my hardest not to roll my eyes at him, but doing it anyways.
"Just in case you had a rough time in there, I wanted to be here for you." He tells me, grabbing my hand to lead me to the passenger side, and opening the door for me.
"You shouldn't have. I'm okay alone." I reply, getting into the car.
"I think that you shouldn't be alone during this." He says, moments later when he gets into the car as well.
"I'm choosing to be alone. I could tell Ashton. I could tell my friends. But I haven't. I want to wait it out a bit before I do. I shouldn't have even told you. I'm a fucking idiot."
"I'm glad you told me."
I scoff, "Why?"
"You were being honest. Like you said we should be. It's nice to be able to support you." Luke smiles, quickly looking over at me before beginning our drive back to my place.
"I really fucked up, Luke. I really did. This wasn't my plan. I didn't want this." I choke out, barely above a whisper.
"This probably will sound bad coming from me because of the circumstances... but you don't have to do this. You have other options."
"I know that. I've thought about that. I'm still really early. I have a few weeks to decide. I should tell Ashton first. I just have to work up the courage to."
"How far along are you?"
"Oh, uh, seven weeks." I mumble, staring out the window, trying to focus on anything else but Luke and my pregnancy.
"Nice. I'm happy for you. I am. I just wish, maybe, some of the circumstances were different." Luke says.
I sigh, "I know. I get it. I didn't really plan to have a baby with my best friend, Luke."
"Remember when we were seventeen, and we had plans to have kids, to move into a big house? Everything. We were gonna do it all." He quietly chuckles, "I still think about it, and where we are now."
I nod, looking back over at him, "I know. But, now we're in a completely different situation."
We pull up to my place and I sigh, looking out the window.
"You know, you're gonna be a great mom, Kels."
"You've told me that before." I quietly chuckle, thinking back to when Luke and I thought we had planned out our future perfectly.
"I know. I thought I'd remind you." He smiles, reaching out to grab my hand.
"Stop." I mutter, pulling away before he gets to me.
"Right, sorry. I was in the moment there." Luke apologizes, moving away from me.
Without even thinking, I blurt something I immediately regret, "Do you wanna come in?"
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i know i keep apologizing for not keeping up with this but working full time truly drains everything out of me and gives me absolutely no inspiration. hoping quarantine will help w that! hope ur all well, stay inside, stay safe <3