I sat in my room and got out my painting supplies. I sat on the floor of my bathroom and squirted some paint onto a clean palette and began to pick it up on my brush. I heard a knock at my door I elected to ignore it and go back to dipping my brush into the paint as I began to load up my brush with paint.
"Logan I, your father and I- we aren't-" I turned to look at my mom blinking a few times.
"I don't want to hear it. Do whatever you feel is best honestly what does it matter? It's not like I am really your daughter," I spoke and began to paint flowers on my arm sitting on the cold bathroom floor.
"You don't mean that," She whispered as I looked up to challenge her.
"I am just going to go back downstairs then. You will know where everyone is if you want to rejoin us," She turned around and shut the door.
I sat on the cold tile floor painting flowers on my arm for a while before stripping my skinny jeans off and put on a pair of high waisted shorts. I began to paint flowers on my leg. I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed and threw the brush at the wall it was no longer making me feel any better. I did the only thing I could think of doing. I started grabbing all the letters I had wrote and began to rip them to shreds. I left scattered pieces of paper around my room.
I heard my door click open as Lisa stood there with crossed arms. I took deep breaths in and out as I threw just about every pillow off my bed and destroyed my room. Lisa watched me not moving or making a noise. I knew was there but when it came down to me going into the bathroom she decided she wanted to follow me.
"Come on Logan you are an adult, not a child," Lisa said and looked at me.
"You don't get it!" I shouted at her as I picked up my phone and pushed my way past her.
"What don't I get Logan you are acting like a child," Lisa said and I walked toward my door to open it for her.
"You don't get what it is like to never be anyone's first choice. You don't get what it's like to live in someone else line light. You don't get what it's like to lose fucking everyone over and over again and then those you do have you get close just to lose them too or for them to betray you," I seethed as I opened my door wide.
"Since when did you lose Alex or Jack? Hmm or how about Rian, Zack or Ryleigh? No haven't lost them, have you? Oh, wait better yet what about me? Did you consider the fact that Brendon and Sarah are sending you away on a trip or maybe they are sending you away to better yourself and them?" Lisa asked and began to pick up pillows in my room.
"Stop! Just Stop!" I shouted as I walked out into the hallway to see Sarah walking up the steps and everyone looking toward the balcony.
"Logan people want to help you. We do but you are forcing our hand at a lot of stuff anymore... We just can't keep up or protect you. We can't fix everything but you need to know no matter what we love you and you need help," Lisa said and I felt the tears sting at the corner of my eyes.
"You don't get what it is like to lose your family. You don't get what it is like to be there locked in a closet while someone you trusted your whole life is the one who murdered them! You don't get what it is like to watch someone you only ever knew as your brother die to save you. You don't get the pain I went through losing a child or even myself all those times. You have had it pretty damn good and at the end of the day you get to go home to Alex and you get to know he is yours," I took a deep breath and I began to walk down the stairs.
Luckily Jack wasn't to be seen when I first walked down. I heard my name being called as I felt someone grab my wrist. I began to tug and try and pull away but I just pulled them with me. I walked straight to the pool and began to walk over the edge as they pulled me hard into their chest.
"Logan don't do this," Alex said into my head and held it in his chest.
"No one gets it. No one, I just wanna die so bad. It should have been me," I sobbed into Alex's chest as I began to choke on my tears.
"You gotta breathe Lo," Alex whispered into my ear as I gasped loudly and continued to cry.
"It hurts, It hurts so much, I should have never saw him."
Alex started to loosen his grip on me as I took a step backward falling into the pool. I let myself float to the top laying on my back as Alex put his hand out for me to pull me up and out. Jack now had rushed out as I laid in the pool letting my tears mix with the water.
"Is she okay?" Jack asked quietly as Alex whispered back softly.
"No."
Jack threw his stuff into a chair before stripping off his pants and walking into the pool. He made his way over to me and wrapped me close to his body. I wrapped my legs around his waist knowing that in no way would he let me drown.
"Let it out baby," Jack whispered holding me close.
I let all the tears and sobs out. I let all the tears I had been holding hostage. I let my nails dig into Jack's shirt while he started to cry with me. Jake didn't waver while we stood out in the pool. He held onto me like I was a life safer and I held onto him like he was saving my life. I felt a cold breeze overtake me and it was like with a snap of my fingers I was done crying.
My tears went to a slight laugh while I kissed Jack's cheek. Jack kissed my neck. We eventually found our way to each other's lips. I looked around to make sure no wandering eyes were watching us it's not like it would have mattered. I leaned in kissing him and letting him brush his rough fingers against my face.
"All I ever wanted was someone to complete this picture in my mind," Jack whispered as I looked into the dark brown eyes I loved.
"I just wanted someone to understand and never fear me," I whispered.
"Welp looks like we have each other than to make it out," Jack kissed my head and let me stand in the pool as I threw myself backward under the water coming up and splashing him.
Jack let out a laugh before splashing me back. I giggled and before I knew it we were splashing each other back and forth. I felt a smirk form at the corners of my mouth before I saw my parents. I stopped as Jack turned around and wrapped an arm around my midsection and I felt our bodies sway in the water slightly.
"Logan I think we need to talk about this trip," Dad spoke and I just turned and looked at Jack.
"Hey you can go it's okay. I will be at yours later tonight," I kissed his cheek as he helped me out.
I grabbed us two towels from right inside the door. I threw one at Jack while I wrapped one around myself. Jack grabbed his phone and jeans off the chair and went inside grabbing his keys. Ryleigh eye'd both of us as I rubbed my head trying to dry my head. Lisa and Alex stuck around with Zack and Ryleigh while Rian and Jack had left. My parents were still here and Beckett apparently left with Kolbi.
"Logan," I took a deep breath turning around to face my mom and dad.
Only so many things can break a person. Words are the greatest knife though.