"So miss Urie, when did these feelings begin?"
I sat staring at a clock on the wall. I heard it's ticking ever so often like a ticking time bomb. I sat there staring at the wall. I didn't think that after the tour I would sit in another therapist's office not talking. I sat there staring silently off into the distance. There had been a few times where dad had been able to come with me begging me to talk. I had sort of kicked everyone out of my life after that night a month ago.
"Miss Urie," My head snapped to look at him blinking for the first time in a while and noticing it hurt.
'blink moron.' My brain laughed at me as I covered my ears.
Jack had brought me to therapy today. I felt bad knowing he was probably sitting outside bored out of his mind or making dick jokes to the teenagers that were probably about to become inpatients. I ran my fingers through my hair breathed in deeply fighting off a yawn. The timer finally went off signaling my first hour was up. I was doing two hours of therapy which was what was suggested. I was allowed to go and sit with Jack if I wanted to. I could even take him to the nicer lounge they had available.
Walking out to find Jack he was seated with his feet on the coffee table. I went over and smacked his foot playfully as he looked up at me giving off a soft half-smile. Jack hated being here just as much as I did. I sighed and held out my hands for him.
"Is it over or do you still have another hour. I got practice in a like thirty," Jack said as he grabbed my hands.
"One more hour, I told you. You don't have to stick around-" I felt bad but he cut me off.
"I want to stick around and be here for you," Jack brushed some of my freshly cut hair out of my face.
"Thank you," I whispered as Jack pulled me close to him.
I inhaled his scent as he got another text message. I knew the vibration pattern to be that of Alex because he couldn't have made it anymore annoying. He also set the same vibration pattern on my phone. I looked at jack with a questioning look as he shook his head.
"Answer him or he will just blow up your phone," I let go of Jack for him to look at his phone.
"Alex wants to know if you are coming to practice? Ryles will be there. Also, he says hi with a million I's. What do you want me to tell him?" Jack looked at me groaning a little bit.
I had been taking a toll on his relationship with the band. Jack missed quite a few band practices in the month and a half after the tour ended. I left a little early to come back and start therapy. The first few sessions weren't bad they were just the basic question and answer like how old you are. When it started to get deeper and they wanted to talk about my reason for coming I pushed people away in the way I didn't want to.
Ryleigh and I fought and both of us were really hard-headed not saying sorry anymore. Zack and Ryleigh were doing fine. Alex and Lisa were traveling between Baltimore and California. Josh and Debby were doing fine. Tyler and Jenna were doing okay as well. Rian was excited to get back and start tracking music. Dad got back and slept for a few days getting over a cold. Mom had to bring me to the first few therapy appointments as I started to have panic attacks about coming to these appointments.
"Just tell him the truth. I can't, I have therapy. Also, go ahead and leave. I will find a way to get home and no it won't be me crawling in some creeps car," I said and Jack chuckled looking down at me.
"No, I figured it would be holding them hostage and saying kidnap me," He joked as I snorted causing him to laugh harder.
"No Jack go to practice I know that you guys are excited about this new era of music. Go," I swatted his back and lightly pushed the grown man as he leaned trying to press his full body weight into me.
"Okay, I'll go just text me when you're done. Alex probably wants to see his favorite not child," Jack said and turned to look at me.
"No kiss?" We both said at the same time before I giggled and climbed on top of his feet.
"Love you," He whispered as I nodded kissing him.
"You too," I said before hearing the whistle of my therapist and groaned turning around.
I walked back into his office to find a notebook. It was a notebook I was familiar with it was mine. I looked at the blue notebook and looked at him. He motioned for me to sit and open it. I sat back down in my seat and pulled my feet up under me as he cleared his throat.
"I have read through this via your parents and your own permission. I think you are a lovely writer so why don't we try something new. Can you write something for me? You can write me anything you'd like to know and I will read it by the next session or you can have until next session if you'd like. I think that this may help you. Did you know we had a music room?" He asked and I looked at him briefly shaking my head.
My therapist smiled and motioned for me to follow him. There was a small music room with maybe four kids in it at the moment. He motioned for them to leave and showed me around the room. There were a few acoustic guitars one of which he tried to play but it was in bad need of tuning. I shook my head and took the guitar tuning it and then handed it back to him.
"You play?" Justin, my therapist asked.
"Yeah something like that," I looked out the window of this room.
It was so green out there and how I desperately wished to feel green inside. I sat at the piano bench and placed my hands in the position for C major. I hit the first few keys doing a scale and climbing up the keys then descending them. I moved onto the key of E and Josh watched me as I played a song I knew so well switching in and out of keys.
"When did you learn piano?" Justin asked and I hit the 4th key on my left hand.
The fourth key on this piano which was a standard 88 keyboard, was a low sounding G. I looked at Justin as he looked at me. I hit the key again.
"I was four. My mother thought it was important that her kids have some kind of ability in the world that was valuable. She thought everyone needed to learn an appreciation for music at some point in their life," I spoke a little bitterly.
"What happened to your mother miss Urie?" Justin said and sat at the bench with me.
"She was murdered. Her and my father both. Along with my brother," I said and felt the bile start to rise in my throat.
"Do you know-"
"Apparently my father was into drugs or owed someone money. It doesn't matter. Every family I was with up until this one returned me. Sometimes I think the only reason I wasn't is because I aged out of the system. I make my own money now and I sort of have grown to like them," I said and looked at Justin pulling my hands away.
"Can we talk about why you are really here because this conversation doesn't seem to be too-"
"I am here because social media is stupid. While I know it is part of my job I hate it. I hate everything about being under a god damn'd microscope. I hate being with Jack. I hate being adopted. I hate being in the band. I hate the fact I was pregnant. I hate-"
"I don't think you hate it. I think you dislike other's opinions or views on you through jealousy. I have watched you far too many times with that boy since you have started coming here. There is something about him that you seem relaxed with him," Justin said and placed his hands on the keyboard and hit random keys.
I shook my head moving them into the correct position and then pressed down on his pinkie and middle fingers while holding his thumb down. I picked his hand up and pressed it down again. Justin looked at me while I also hit another key with his right hand.
"Why did you chose to start talking now?" Justin asked a little curiously and looking at his hands amazed.
"I was invited to band practice with my bandmate. We aren't exactly speaking. We may or may not have fought right before I left. I actually asked my dad to get me re-enrolled, would that be the word? I asked him to put me back in therapy. I have been in therapy a few times but like it never stuck I guess. I-I didn't want to get better but like all these people are watching me and they care and it sucks. I really hate my mind telling me how to feel when I don't want to feel that way I want to be happy on stage. I want to be happy around Alex and my dad. I want to be this person I am not anymore I guess." I shrugged and moved Justin's hands playing another chord.
"Who do you want to be?" Justin asked while I shrugged.
"Happy I guess. Jack is always happy. He is the positive one out of me and him. I am the realist much like his friend Rian and Zack. I mean Alex is pretty happy too but he is sort of a realist. Alex takes medication for his problems. He is like my second dad. I mean Brendon is an awesome dad I love him but like there are things I much rather talk to Alex about."
"Like what?"
"Like, Jack is very touchy. I know my dad would be like 'just tell him to stop,' where Alex is going to be like 'are you uncomfortable' and it's more of a conversation about how Jack is like that because he is afraid one day he'll ask in and I won't be there. It really upset him when I was gone for like four months last year," I said and thought back to that time and fought back my tears remembering him.
"What happened?" Justin asked noticing my face.
"I was kidnapped and raped. He- uh. He threw my body into a river and I had to lay on the shore like I was dead for a while and then I took my chance and ran. Someone helped me out and I was eventually saved by this woman. She helped me but eventually, she found out who I really was and then I was returned to my family. I wasn't with Jack then but it was complicated, I guess. I wrote letters to everyone and I asked Jack to always be there. I need someone to catch me sometimes and to love me no matter how hard-headed I got," I chuckled and moved over to get up and walked toward the door.
"Do you see yourself marrying Jack?" Justin asked and I stopped dead in my tracks.
I didn't see myself marrying Jack in the near future. My dad was just sort of warming up to the fact I stayed the night at his house. It wasn't like he was oblivious to the fact we were having sex, I think it just made him uncomfortable. I knew that it was awkward mom and him had a few conversations about it while I babysat Kolbi.
"I don't know, maybe? I don't think he'll want to marry me in like ten years. It's Jack he has according to everyone, been a free spirit he isn't for tying down. I don't want to tie him down, I just want something that is mine," I shrugged and Justin looked at me nodding.
"My wife was like that. Here we are getting ready to celebrate 5 years in June. Emily changed my life and I think that sometimes it was easier for her to marry me than it was for me to marry her," Justin spoke and I looked at each other.
"I don't see a life without Jack in it," I spoke honestly as the timer went off signaling hour two was over.
"You are free to go. See you next week. I now have to go back and do some paperwork. Thank you for opening up. I am really proud-"
"I was mute for almost 14 years of my life," I blurted out and Justin nodded.
"I think you should go to that band practice also your phone has been going off nonstop," Justin handed me back my phone.
This was the part of the therapy I hated. Justin thought phones were a distraction so he got to take my phone at the beginning of therapy. I didn't mind handing it over because someone was always here with me. I saw about eighteen texts from 'Alexander' on my phone and groaned. I hit his contact and called him.
"Yes 'Lex. Yes, therapy is over. Hi, Jack. Yeah if one of you wants to come to get me that would be fantastic," I said and heard shuffling in the background.
"See you in a few," I ended the call as I looked at Justin and gave him one last wave.
I walked outside and smelling the fresh air waiting for Alex's black Jeep as I sat on the sidewalk. I waited what felt like 5 minutes before Jack carelessly pulled up. Alex sat in the passenger seat terrified before getting out and pulling Jack out of the driver's seat afterward.
"How do you deal with him driving?" Alex asked as we all climbed back into his car.
"She drives."
"I drive," Jack and I spoke at the same time and laughed.
"It's nice to hear you laugh Log, it's been a while. How are you kid?" Alex said and I smiled.
"I am getting better, for you guys and for myself," I smiled and leaned forward to kiss Alex's cheek and Jack's.
Don't get better for someone. Get better for yourself too. It will make it worthwhile to see yourself in a beautiful new light.