Everyone woke up slightly hungover. I sat in the kitchenette staring at everyone as they took Advil and chugged down water before moving on to find food. I sat in my seat looking at everyone as the passed by eating my dry cereal.
"Why is she-" Zack said point at me as I raised an eyebrow at him.
"She doesn't like soggy cereal. It was worse when we were kids. Logan would get a cup of cereal and a cup of milk and sprinkle her cereal in then would hurry to eat it so none of the pieces were soggy." Ryleigh said and I drank some of Rian's cold brew that was left in the fridge.
"That is just wrong in so many ways," Alex spoke out while pouring himself some cereal and I glared at him.
I got up and went back to my bunk with my cup of cold brew. I sat in my bunk and pulled out the notebook. I flipped past the first page and looked at picked up my pencil this time. I began to doodle flowers up the spine of the book. I grabbed my phone and began to play some soft music as all the feelings rose to the surface.
Dear Person,
I don't know to whom, I am writing these letters or I am writing them subconsciously to let go of something. I don't know maybe I am just crazy. I guess today is just one of those rough days. As I stare past every fading town I can't help but feel some connection to each place. My free spirit feels trapped but content with the fast past back and forth from town to town. I know that I may not be blessed to have this ability one day and to take them as they come.
I guess my words are not sufficing for the numb feeling I am feeling. I feel numb not in the sense that everything is okay but like you are missing something. You can't place your finger on it but you just don't feel like you are fulfilling and bigger purpose or goal.
My goal was to always make it out alive and since then I have been searching for a new one. I thought about finish college. Getting my degree and doing something completely different than music because while I am good at it and I do love and enjoy it. I don't think I could stay in this path forever. I love music more than anything but there are so many logistics to music. I just want to put out what I like and what I like to make.
I have wonderful friends and a wonderful boyfriend. To which all of them are hungover right now from their crazy antics last night. I mean I have a slight headache, not from drinking but I think from the lack of sleep. Long car rides used to always put me to sleep but this is like a never-ending car ride with loud people. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them you want to sleep there is no silence like the silence of being home.
I can't wait to go home and hug mom. I can't wait to go home and just lay in my own bed. I think that day is the day I will be looking forward to it. Right now I am dreading it because that means Alex will probably go back to Baltimore for a while. Zack will be heading back to Hawaii while Rian splits his time between California and Tennessee. Ryleigh will be there for me but it won't be the same as when we are all together. I am also afraid that Ryleigh may move to Hawaii with Zack. I don't know maybe I guess my fear is with everyone moving on but me.
I am happy if they are happy but it feels like this is the beginning of the end of everything that I worked on fixing. I know it won't be because there are so many other tour dates coming up throughout the year where I will see them or events where I may see a few of them. I know Jack is staying in California. I just there is part of me that wants to run away far far away from everything and just be free again.
There is this part of me that wonders if I wasn't adopted if I would still be out on the street doing what I could to survive. Running away in the night that subtle high of a cold night. I think that astronomers had it right we ware all just stuck with our heads lost in the clouds.
I know that I wish mine was sometimes.
"Hey what are you doing?" Rian peaked his head into my bunk bending down to look at me.
I flicked my pencil at him and smiled as I quickly closed my journal and slid it behind me. I looked at Rian as he handed me back my pencil. I clicked the lead down and pressed it back up into the pencil while he watched me.
"I am not going to tell anyone if you are writing. I just wanted to know that you were okay," Rian said before walking away from me.
I groaned and hit my head on the back wall of my bunk. I heard Jack's footsteps come down the hallway and stop at my bunk. He leaned down then moved my body over sort of giving it a soft shove. I looked at him as he shimmed his body under my cover and then pulled me under it with him.
"Yes?" I asked him as he pulled me to roll over and face him.
Jack gave me a weak smile before kissing my forehead. I moved my body closer to his chest which was hard as he was laying on his side and I was laying on me. I moved as closed to him as possible but then I got annoyed with feeling him breathe on my arm. I moved my arm under the blanket as and gave Jack my puppy dog eyes while he leaned down and kissed my nose.
"Getting closer Barakat," I remarked as he leaned in one last time to kiss my lips.
As Jack did this though he moved his arms in one rapid motion and grabbed my ass pulling completely against his body though. I tried to conceal my slight shriek as he chuckled against my lips and Rian shouted something about no sex on the bus. I rolled my eyes but kissed Jack again.
"Few shows left. No more cramped bunks to lay in. We could go to play place and cuddle or we can stay at yours," Jack said into my ear as I nodded biting my lip as he groaned.
I knew it was a turn on for him when I did that and I wanted to give him a little bit of payback. While I appreciate the little marks of affection sometimes Jack felt like a little much. Jack was a big personality to follow sometimes and while Ryleigh says Jack and I fit each other I can't help but feel sometimes that we don't compliment each other at all.
"Hey, Logan and Jack! Are you two up for doing a couples challenge with Ryleigh and Zack for an interview?" Alex shouted back into the bunk area while probably still sitting in the kitchen.
The hours of cuddling with Jack soon turned into Ryleigh and I rushing around each other. We were like doing this bad dance around each other to get our clothes and everything on. We decided not to do a couples interview but to do an interview on who was a better friend. We would each be shooting a few videos for whoever I didn't bother listening to much. It would be who knows me better out of the whole group and then someone else would go.
We climbed off the bus and into the venue where the interviewers had a sofa set up for us with a table in front. I noticed the guy but I couldn't put my finger on his name. Everyone went and shook his hand even my dad was in this interview.
"Okay so my name is Drew and we are going to play a game is that okay. I am here with the guys from All Time Low, The Gals from the opening act, and Mr. Brendon Urie. We are going to play the who knows me best game. So we pulled names out a hat and will be going in that order. We will also be playing in the form of this or that. So, for example, the question will be does someone prefer cats or dogs more and you are supposed to guess which one based on how well you know them sound good guys?" Drew asked and we all nodded and responded with yes.
"Awesome let me hand out some dry erase boards and some markers," Drew muttered and handed them out.
"First up is miss Ryleigh Dun. Does Ryleigh prefer Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream?" Drew asked a few questions.
I did okay for a while I wasn't doing the best I think Zack was. I was a little confused at one point and started to cough. I knew I needed to hurry this game up to get back to the bus and take a breathing treatment. We had taken a break in filming making each new person a new video thus going over the rules again and how it works. During the break-in filming I ran to the bus to take a breathing treatment. When I came back I was jitter and sort of bouncy.
"The last person up is miss Logan Urie. Does Logan prefer night or day?" Drew asked and I didn't write my answer in the form of an answer, I drew some stars on my board.
Everyone got the answer right and got a point.
"Does Logan prefer dark or light colors?"
I quickly wrote 'dark colors' on the board while I began to contemplate it. I liked some light colors but I mostly wore dark colors. I thought about it for a while before deciding to leave my answer. The game only went on a little while longer while Alex had managed to beat out both Brendon and Ryleigh. Jack pouted and apologized for not knowing me better. I just giggled as he attacked me with a kiss and a hug. Jack moved his hands into my back pocket while I gave him a knowing look.
"Hey, let's go watch sunset guys," Rian said and everyone got up to head outside.
The sunset was a beautiful orange and pink sky. I was on Jack's back as I leaned over and kissed the side of his mouth. Jack smiled as I kissed him. I moved one of my arms from around his neck and ran my fingers through his hair giving it a soft tug before whispering his ear.
"All I need is more sunsets with you. Can I show you something later?" Kissing his ear lobe he coughed nodding his head.
"Of course you can always show me anything," Jack nodded as I leaned over his shoulder kissing him again.
I needed to tell someone. I just didn't know where to begin so who better to begin with than you boyfriend. He will love me right no matter. No matter what my brain is telling me deep down inside. It is going to be alright I can keep my lie. I can keep myself alright. I don't want to keep up with it anymore. I can't keep trying to regulate this internal battle. I needed someone else to be strong with me.
I am the person I needed when I was younger. To bad that girl never got to see the beauty there truly is in the world. The world is not this broken and so alone.