I remember a long time ago, I laughed, I cried, I lived. I remember, one event. So terrible I couldn't laugh. I couldn't cry. Numb. I live a cold life. Without happiness, without sadness, without any feeling at all.
I remember teaching myself how to smile. Looking in the mirror and pulling up the corners of my mouth. Eventually I could do it without using my hands. Eventually I learned to close my eyes for a brief second so that my smile looked real.
I remember saying "I'm fine" and "it's okay" and using my brand new smile. I remember saying it until it had to be the truth.
I remember when it wasn't. That day when something snapped. When I reached out with my new smile and my hands shook. My hands shook and my eyes watered and I was afraid. So so afraid.
I remember not being numb anymore. But wishing that I was. I remember being sad and afraid. All the time. Just sad or afraid or numb.
I don't remember being happy. I don't remember what it is. I don't remember what it feels like.
Am I happy? Aren't I smiling?