I woke up beside Jack. I had another IV strapped to my arm. I was laying with my left arm out straight. Jack had both his arms wrapped around my arms and there was a paramedic who was traveling with the crew in my room. I stretched a little causing Jack to wake up at my sudden movement.
"Hey you're okay," He said in a morning voice and retracted his arms.
"What happened?" I asked as the paramedic looked at me and then began asking the usual questions.
"Do you know your name?" The paramedic who I now knew by the name of James asked.
"Logan Blake Urie,"
"Where are you currently?"
"On tour." I snorted as James rolled his eyes and took my vitals.
"Logan, have you ever dealt with an eating disorder before?" James said and I looked at the man.
"No," I said and looked at him with a straight face.
Jack was still sitting on the bed beside me. James had a walkie talkie and said that it would be okay for my parents to come in. Jack got up and put on his pajamas pants on from the night before. I was wracking my brain trying to remember last night. I remember getting dressed. I remember leaving the party with Jack. I remember us talking. I remember us making out. I remembered everything in such detail as I rubbed my face with my hands which caused the iv to hurt my arm.
"Logan," Mom said and came and sat on the bed beside me and brushed some hair out of my face.
"Mom," I said softly and she looked at me a little hurt.
"Why didn't you tell your dad?" She said and I was so confused.
"Tell him what?"
"Logan, you haven't been eating. Ryleigh told us," Mom looked at me as Jack sat there awkwardly.
"That's not true. I remember Alex bringing me soup last night him and Lisa. I remember-"
"Logan you passed out from the lack of nutrients in your body. You are severely malnourished and if we don't get this under control you could die." Mom said and grabbed one of my hands.
"I am eating though. I swear. I ate peanut butter on the bus the other night. We were even out of lucky charms that is why I ate peanut butter." I said and tried to desperately convince everyone now in the room I was eating.
"Did anyone see you eat the peanut butter?" Dad asked as Jack had gotten up and left something about the band needing him.
"Rian," I said softly and tried to get up only to be pushed back down.
"Slow it their kid," The paramedic said and I looked at him.
"We think it would be best," Dad began as I looked at him.
"We? We who?" I got defensive and upset
"Your mom and I, if you fly back to California. Ryleigh would be staying because of her boyfriend. I can't watch you, Logan." Dad said and sat in front of me with purple bags under his eyes.
"I didn't ask to be babysat. I am eating. Jesus Christ didn't we have dinner at the venue a few nights ago?" I asked as dad just looked at me begging I'd give in.
"Fine, I'll go home. I'll go to my home. I'll enroll in real classes and I'll-" I stopped.
"You'll what?" Mom said and I felt all the blood leave my body.
"I fucked up," I said and reached for my phone.
16 missed calls from Beckett
10 missed FaceTime Beckett
10 messages Beckett
I looked at my phone and then went on Instagram to see all the pictures of me and jack together. I saw the one comment I didn't want to see.
BeckettK: Nice to see that I meant nothing to you.
I sat there and then closed out of the app and just wanted everyone to leave the room. I didn't want to go home now. I wanted to just let the world swallow me up whole. I didn't want to go home, my home, our home, California.
"Logan?" James said snapping me out of it.
"See she needs rehab Mr. and Mrs. Urie. I know of a great-"
"I am not going to rehab. I'm fine thanks for asking me. I will leave the tour. I will not go to rehab though." I state as James comes and stands in front of me.
"You could die."
"I'm fine and you don't know me."
"Fine, throw your life away."
"Will do," I smile as he takes the now empty IV out of my arm.
James disposes of everything as mom and dad sit in the hotel room. I got up and began packing my bags. I ripped the tag off my suitcase knowing the airport would only want one. Mom stood behind me and put a hand on my back.
"God I'm so stupid," I said before going in the bathroom and throwing all my shit in a suitcase.
I then grabbed a room key and headed down the hallway to Alex's room. I knocked on the door as Lisa answered it in Alex's t-shirt. I looked at her and she sighed nodding.
"Alex," Lisa said and rubbed his chest to wake him up.
"Yeah?" He said just a groggily as Jack did.
"I need the bus keys," I said and he sat up more awake now.
"What do you mean you need the bus keys?" Alex said in the middle of yawning.
"I mean I need the bus keys," I said and didn't dare enter their room but only stand in the doorway.
"You can come in. It will take me a while too-"
"Forget it. I will pay to have my stuff shipped home," I spun on my heels and knocked on Rian's door.
Rian was the only person to open the door himself. He looked at me and rubbed his eyes before opening his arms. I walked into them a little uncertain. Rian hugged me and kissed the top of my head.
"You okay?" Rian asked and I nodded.
"Yup not like my world is caving in right now." The words rolled off my tongue with a trace of bitterness.
"They just want what is best for you,"
"They are sending me to rehab! I am 20, not 14, I don't have a problem. Well, maybe I do. I like Jack and I didn't exactly break up with Beckett and he is living in a place that is supposed to be my home too." I said a little angrily as Rian looked at me taken back.
"I didn't know. Wait, you like Jack?" He said and looked at me as Ryleigh and Zack Merrick walked down the hallway of rooms being perfect.
I looked at Ryleigh flipping her off as she clung to Zack Merrick. They were the perfect couple. I wanted to rip Ryleigh's head off right about now. I glared at her and finally, the words came out of my mouth.
"I don't want to fucking be in a band with you anymore. Fucking take my songs sing them play them. I don't give a damn anymore. Did you get some sick satisfaction out of me being forced to go home!?" I screamed as Zack Merrick groaned and threw his head back.
"Not this again please," Zack Merrick said as everyone on our floor began to stand in doorways.
"What do you mean Logan Blake Grav-" Ryleigh said with a bitchy smirk on her face.
"Fuck you! You know what fuck all of you. You claim you want 'what is best for me'. I never asked for this. I fucking hate this! I hate living this double life of being happy on stage and saying 'oh it gets better' when I return back to a bus, a hotel, or my own 'home' only to this same shit!" I said and punched a wall as Rian tried to restrain my arms behind me.
I just screamed but Rian didn't let go of my arms. Ryleigh looked at me smirking. She knew exactly what she was doing and I just wanted to punch her so hard like when we were kids and that could fix everything.
"We aren't doing it because we want what is best, we know what is best-" Zack Merrick said as I glared at him.
"You now know what is best for me?" I laughed as Rian began to let go of my arms.
"What is best for me is sending me home to my 'boyfriend' who is going to dump me because I went out with your bandmate because you are all too fucking moronic to stay out of either of our love lives. What is best for me is sending me to rehab for a problem that doesn't exist because it is easier to deal with me from there but not in person." I shouted as I stepped closer to him and he stood in front of Ryleigh.
"I am not going to let you hit her." He said as I made a fist.
"I never said I was going to hit her. Why is it you always seem to assume the worst in me?" I said and he looked at me.
"I bet you were fucking glad when you held that funeral for me. I bet you both were so fucking happy because you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Please admit it all of you how happy you were to not walk on glass-like there with this window you were putting back together and no one could move in fear of not being able to put it back together again!" I seethed as everyone looked at Zack Merrick and Ryleigh.
"We weren't happ-"
"Shut the hell up Ryleigh. Tyler was happier to see me then you were. Fucking hell, maybe I should just go and live with Cheryl because at least there I felt wanted and accepted and I had to live a lie!" I looked at Ryleigh with hurt eyes as she put an arm across her stomach.
She grabbed her boyfriend's hand and shoved their way through the line of people into their hotel room slamming the door. Everyone looked at me as Lisa and Alex looked confused as to what to do. I knew Alex couldn't pick me over Zack. I'd also never ask that of him. Lisa was going to stick with Alex because what marriage is about right? Mom and dad stood at my room with Zack Hall. Rian and Jack stood now almost side by side.
"So you don't actually, like me?" Jack said and closed his eyes as he asked the question.
"I never said I didn't like you. I just didn't-" I fumbled over my words.
"Yeah, I get it. You didn't end it with Beckett and I was just some nice rebound sex," Jack said and ran his hand through his hair before walking back into his hotel room.
Mike, Nicole, Dan, Rian, Zack Hall, and my parents were the only ones left in the hotel hallway. I looked past Rian to see an emergency exit. I took my chance and ran toward the stairs and my feet hit the stairs at an unbelievable pace. I walked out of the hotel in my pajamas from last night and some flip-flops I had managed to slip on before going to get the bus keys. I looked at the city in front of me and just began mindlessly weaving in and out of traffic.
I didn't bother to take my phone. I didn't want to go back anymore. I didn't want anyone to follow me. I knew they were but I didn't care. I just kept aimlessly avoiding the walk back to either the bus or the hotel. I didn't want to walk back I just wanted to stay out all night. I finally found myself in front of a coffee shop. I went in and ordered a coffee then remember I had no money. I got out of line and some girl came up beside me.
"I got it," She said and paid for my coffee.
'thank you' I signed and she nodded.
"I was at the concert. You are Brendon Urie's daughter!" She said happily at me.
It was like, to her being his daughter was some great accomplishment. I looked at my feet and didn't know the regret I would feel after speaking those words.
"I am not really his daughter. Just some charity case really. My name is Logan Graves." I said and licked my bottom lip to this sour taste.
"That sucks. He used to post stuff all the time about you not just when you were missing, but like the last tour you were on and just kind of everywhere. He made it seem like he genuinely cared and that you weren't just about fame." The girl looked at me moving her lips to one side in a half frown.
"It's okay. Everyone has to be someone's charity case. I guess I just became everyone's." I mumbled the last part as the girl got a notification.
Instagram AllTimeLow: Hey if anyone sees this girl can you direct us to her?
Instagram BrendonUrie: If anyone sees Logan Blake can you tell us where you're at?"
The girl looked at me. I shook my head and began to get up.
"I won't post anything about if you don't want me too. I ran away once and I know you're like known for running off. I just think that maybe we can talk about and you can defuse this ticking time bomb." The girl said and I sat back down.
"So you know me but I don't know you," I state.
"Oh my name is Hannah, I am 22 and I am an art major." She smiled at me as I nodded and sipped my coffee
"Cool, I don't get art." I shrug and Hannah chuckles.
"No one really does," She giggled and we talked for a while.
"So you think they are sending you back because you passed out after having a busy day and feeling so poorly you didn't eat?" Hannah said a little dumbstruck.
"Yeah, Brendon even said it would be a good idea. I also may or may not have yelled at the 'it' couple," I said and chugged the last of my coffee a little sat now about the empty cup.
"Didn't you hear? Ryleigh posted this morning about miscarrying." Hannah said and I looked at her shocked.
"No, I haven't really been on social media. I honestly keep everything muted because it is annoying every 2 seconds getting comments about how ugly or beautiful I am. That or people tag their friends randomly in my pictures with emojis like why?" I said sort of avoiding the Ryleigh topic.
"Would you have yelled at her if you knew?" Hannah asked and I thought for a moment.
"Probably," I sighed softly and the word came out hard.
"I don't think you are a bad person. I think in my personal opinion maybe break up with Beckett no matter how much I ship Lockett, I think Lock is cute too. I would finish out the tour. Maybe then take some time to yourself to reflect. I'd also definitely look into therapy for the whole flashback and nightmare ordeal." Hannah said and I nodded.
"You can tell them where I am. It will take them a while to get to it probably." I said and she nodded sending a message to AllTimeLow's Instagram.
No-one came to get me for a few hours so we kept talking. It honestly felt like I was talking to an old friend. I gave Hannah my number and she gave me hers. I smiled but it all ended when Brendon and Alex walked in. They sat the table where Hannah I were at chatting away.
"Logan," Alex said sternly and looked at me.
"Yeah," I looked down and felt my breathing stop in my throat.
"You can't just-"
"I know and I am sorry. I want to stay and prove people wrong. I know I keep saying it and it feels like I'm not doing anything but proving I should be in rehab. I swear no more screw-ups this time. If I do you can fucking all disown me. I swear I have been eating. I swear, I will even find my own way to ever show since I know I am not really allowed on either bus. I just don't want to-"
"I took your pass credentials away," Dad said quickly and I knew that it was over.
I looked into his deep brown eyes and he handed me my phone. I looked at the daunting messages from everyone.
"Listen to them and then get back to me on a real reason why to keep you," dad said as he got up leaving Alex at the table.
I looked at Alex who had an unreadable face. I looked down at all the missed calls and messages. The only one that really stood out to me was the one from Jack. I read it over and over and it would be engrained in my mind forever.
To: Logan Blake
From: JB
It hurt hearing you say I meant nothing. You mean the world to me. I tried to hard to get how your mind works but maybe I'm not worth it. Maybe I am the reason you seem to be getting worse. I know you are starving yourself and I am actually the one who told your parents. I told them because I know you are dropping weight drastically. I saw your ribs when we had sex. I felt them and while I still think you are the most beautiful person on the face of the planet. I want you happy and healthy. I can't keep lying to Logan, I can't keep lying for you. You are going to kill yourself like really kill yourself. I don't mean it in some metaphorical joke. I mean like you will be dead and we will have to figure out what do to with ourselves again. I don't want to think of a life like that. I can't keep thinking of what life will be like when that happens. So delete my number if you want but I am going, to be honest with you. No matter what, I told you that no matter what, I'd love you endlessly and I will forever love you. I just can't keep this bottled up feeling in my chest anymore.
I looked at Alex who passed me a napkin off the table. I looked at him and then got up and hugged him. Alex didn't hug back for a while before he finally sighed and wrapped me in a tight embrace. I knew Alex was trying to be hurt and accept but it was no use. There was this part of Alex that was thankful I was okay and this part of Alex torn on what to tell me as he decided on saying that we'd be okay. I texted Jack back though
To: JB
From: Logan Blake
I don't want you to ever lie to me about how I make you feel. I want you to know I love you, Jack, not just in this whole you're one of my favorite people or artist ways. You make me feel human and like I am not insane sometimes. That is why I love hanging out with you. I love the jokes and the conversations we have. I like the random words and the way you make me feel inside and I know you aren't trying. I like cuddling in bed and on stage cases. I am sorry I ever made you lie to yourself thinking I'd be okay. I am also sorry lied telling you I thought love was pointless. I get it now and you don't love me for me you love me for the idea of what I could be or sex. I am sorry, I am not that girl.
I looked at Alex and slid him my phone. He looked at the message and he understood what was going on now. He kissed my forehead and then brushed his fingers against my back.
"Have you ate?" Alex asked and I nodded pointing to Hannah.
"We split a sandwich all I had the money for," She said and smiled at Alex.
New friends give life a different perspective. Too bad my perspective only ever seems to be a downward smile of nothingness and white lies.