Ryleigh and I got ready together. She was wearing baggy clothes and I wore my normal everyday clothes Cheryl had bought me. I mean I had brought clothes that my family had bought me from a while ago but they weren't exactly the most fitting clothes. I wore a solid navy blue shirt and a pair of dark wash skinny jeans with a hole in the knee. Jack looked at me as I walked out. I picked up dad's guitar from the rack of guitars and then placed it on myself. Someone adjusted the back straps for me so it wouldn't slip off my body.
I walked over to the stage side where I would walk out. I did my little jumping thing as someone turned me around so I looked at them. I looked at them with childlike eyes as I saw it was Alex. Alex was examining me to see if I was really okay. I had put this front up against him at that moment as he leaned in and kissed my forehead then kissed Ryleigh's. Dad was screaming for us to have a good show and for me to walk around. I placed my ear molds in and began to walk on stage.
"Hello!" Ryleigh shouted in a mic as she climbed up onto her stool.
"I am a little unable to walk or run around for a while guys. I am injured right now." Ryleigh lied as more people wished her well.
I began to strum on the guitar and it echoed through the venue along with the screams. I chuckled and went and sat on the edge of the stage. I sat there and played guitar and then someone walked in front of me which cause some louder screams. I smiled as Ryleigh rolled her eyes at them.
"That's my girlfriend!" Zack Merrick yelled in the silence as Ryleigh began to introduce the song.
"This is a song I wrote one day while I was waiting for someone to come back to me," Ryleigh spoke as I began to play the song.
Someone else had filled in the guitar parts and I began to play the song. I played it with such a light touch I was afraid of screwing it up. Ryleigh and I played a full set before I went and motioned for a mic.
"Uh, hi, I'm Logan. You guys all probably know this. Anyway, today has kind of sucked and I want you guys to know that no matter what it is going to get better. I want you to know that okay. I have to get used to this again and I know this hopeless feeling filling my lungs right now is temporary." I took a deep breath in pulling the mic away as I heard some cheers.
Alex was eyeing me ready to climb up on this stage if he needed to. Dad was standing at the wing and Ryleigh was watching me walk around. I was looking up at the upper deck as I finished my little announcement.
"I wrote this a while ago and I wrote to someone who needs to hear these words. So here it goes. To the girl looking in the mirror right now wondering if your hair worth it, you are. To the girl sitting on the bleachers after not being picked by her friends and as others laugh, you will live past that moment. To the boy who is being yelled at for not being enough, you will rise against it. The reason I know this is because I know somewhere deep inside you there is this power waiting to be unleashed. It is on a simmer and not ready to burst out into the sky yet. I am writing this," I took in a shaky breath as Alex started to move closer to the stage and was following me as I walked closer to the edge.
"Because sometimes we need to hear the words we want others to say to us. Someone very wise to me once said anyone can write a story it takes one to lie a story to be a true author though. I thought he spoke complete trash until I watched him write a story of love that isn't real. Love is painful and it breaks you in the times you just wish that anyone would grab you in a hug and tell you all the words I am speaking right now. I want you to know it's going to get better, It has to or else no one would be alive right now. It is going to get better kid and the reason I know that is because if you're reading this," I stopped again and Alex climbed up on the stage and dad started to take a step forward.
Alex put a hand on my back as I walked toward the other side of the stage as close to the edge as possible.
"then you know it because I am writing this to you." I finished and at first, there were a few claps.
A few claps then became like it was everyone clapping someone started to beat on the drums and I knew it to be Dan. I smiled through the tears as Alex pulled me into a tight hug. I looked at Alex and he gave me the look of we would talk later but I had one more song to finish out with Ryleigh.
"Uh we have one more song on this set then, well it's not even our song so why don't they just come up here and we sing it together?" I said and waved the rest of the guys on the stage.
"Hold on they're slow," Alex said into my mic.
"Get your own mic Gaskarth," I said in a joking way.
"We are here!" Rian cheered as he and Dan switched spots.
I went and stood by Alex and began playing the start of Therapy.
"My ship went down in a sea of sound," Alex sang as Ryleigh came in on the next verse.
I looked at Jack as he looked at me. I walked around the stage playing my guitar as Zack came over and hung a mic in front of my mouth.
"But I'm smiling at everything," I sang softly into the mic as my voice sounded awful in my earpieces.
I kept walking around playing before I knew it the song was over. Jack had taken his guitar off and placed it by Rian's drums. I was walking off when I felt myself being lifted up from behind. I panicked but I couldn't show it. Jack looked at me as I gave him a thumbs up we fist-bumped as I waved bye to everyone. Once I was officially off I went and sat in the greenroom waiting on my dad.
Dad came in and we talked for a few. He asked how I was feeling, like really feeling. I told him I was scared and that I wanted everything to stop sometimes. I couldn't explain to him the thoughts I had in my head but he told me it was normal. He told me that he was going to be there more often and that maybe I should go home and see mom and the dogs. I nodded as he was called to the stage and I was called for the showers.
I stripped my clothes off looking at the hideous bruise I now had forming on my hip. I didn't even know how I had it, well I did but it was fine. I tied my hair up into a bun on the top of my head and then quickly showered. I walked out and was drying off. I stared at my bare reflection in the mirror. I then did the unthinkable thing I punched the mirror. The mirror cracked but did not break. I wasn't worried about the bad luck I was now going to have. I quickly changed and got dressed as I was informed I needed to hurry up by one of the crew members All Time Low needed to shower. I left the showers and saw how bright red my hand was. I shoved it into my hoodie pocket and walked out of the showers.
The boys rushed in with towels and their shit. I went and climbed onto the bus in my pj's. I got into my bunk and shut the curtain while Ryleigh drew it back I looked at her raising an eyebrow. She was standing right outside my bunk eating Oreos. She held one out for me to take I shook my head as she then tried to stuff it into my mouth.
"Ryleigh!" I screeched as Zack rushed onto the bus.
"Everyone okay?" He said slightly out of breath.
"We are fine. Ryleigh is trying to force-feed me Oreos." I said as Zack walked in a little calmer.
"She hasn't eaten." Ryleigh protested as Zack gave me his best parental glare as I looked back at him with the look of temptation.
"I think your girlfriend should mind her own business," I said looking at the top of my bunk and no longer at Zack.
"Don't make me drag you back into the venue, one to watch your dad and two I will pin you and shove food down your throat," Zack said leaning into my bunk.
"Touch me and I'll kick you in the balls, Merrick. This will be the only child you ever have." I smile at him as he backs away.
"Ryleigh she said she ate earlier!" He shouted then did the motion that he was watching me.
I rolled my eyes as Alex and Jack came in talking about some dinner everyone is going to. What dinner? I got up and walked into the lounge where the boy and man who never sleep sat. I climbed up on the opposite side from them as they didn't even notice I was there.
"Lisa is just going to have to go out and buy me something," Alex said as Jack complained about not having a date.
"I don't have anyone to go with I might just not go," Jack said and threw some popcorn up in the air catching it in his mouth.
"Take Logan! She isn't going to have anyone to go with. Beckett is away at college plus he'll have Kolbi to deal with. Besides they told Brendon he can't have two guests. We all know Rian is bringing his girlfriend and Zack is taking Ryleigh. Just ask Logan," Alex looked up and jumped.
"I don't want to go to anything I wasn't invited to. Jack, you should go though and be a supportive friend." I smiled as Jack now jumped noticing me.
"Fucking mother fucker, how long were you there?" Jack asked as I shrugged.
"Long enough to know Lisa is getting Alex's outfit. My dad can't bring two people and you don't want to go. Jack, I have been a third wheel my whole life, trust me you can suffer one night." I said and got up and walked toward the bathroom to take out my contacts.
I was being followed by Jack though. He went and stood in the small cramped bathroom quarters with me and watched me. He then leaned in and placed a delicate kiss on my collar bone. I looked at him in the mirror as he moved to tangle our fingers together. I moved my hand closer to my stomach in the pouch of my hoodie.
"What?" Jack said a little confused looking at me.
"Are you really upset over this dinner?" Jack said and I shook my head.
"No," I spoke softly as he leaned in close to me and squinted his deep brown eyes.
I admired his long eyelashes and was envious of them. I squinted back at him as he cracked a smile at me then turned me around to be chest to chest, well more like lower chest. I looked up at him as he looked down at me.
"It would be an honor to take you to a dinner I could care less about," He whispered and then kissed my cheek again.
"I will think about it," I said as Jack groaned softly mumbling about me being a tease.
"I don't like dresses, Jack. I don't like parties. Think about the last party I went to. Yeah, don't expect too much of me right away." I said and then slid out of the bathroom before I was pulled back in.
Jack shut the door and stood in front of it. I locked the door as he looked at me. I wanted to be the one calling the shots but I knew I was not the one calling them. I was the one who was going to be downing them.
"Did you tell anyone?"
"No, but someone found a sock,"
"Fuck I thought we were careful,"
"Not enough,"
"Well, then we'll just have to be silent,"
"You forget I do that well,"
I walked out of the bathroom this time and went to my bunk laying in it. Alex opened my bunk and told me I needed to get up and take medicine. I took it and felt really queasy. I looked at the bottle and read that I was supposed to take it with food. I began rummaging for crackers but only found fucking Oreos or empty cereal boxes. I decided on some old peanut butter. I put it on a plate and began eating it with a spoon. Rian looked at me and groaned a little too loudly making the statement.
"I, surely, hope you're not pregnant also." He said and rummaged through the fridge for something to drink.
"Nope, not pregnant mother nature just ended. I just don't feel well," I muttered the last part as he slid himself into the other side of the table.
"What up Little Urie? That speech you gave tonight," Rian started as I nodded.
"Yeah, I know my dad and I talked. It was completely inappropriate I could have just said it directly and not made you guys look like bad people," I said and placed another spoon full of peanut butter in my mouth.
"No, it was really good. I mean I know you're a good author, Alex told us. He likes to brag about his 'child' as he calls you. But I mean it Log, what's up I know something is bugging you. You are doing that thing with your foot where you want to run." Rian pointed to my feet bouncing up and down.
"I want to hide and run away. This morning I felt like I was drowning and while I don't feel like that. It's a jumbled mess my mind is. Dad wants me to go home to mom and the dogs for a few days during the break. I don't want to go home I want to go and explore and not just see the same kind of venues day in and day out. Like, as stupid as it sounds, I just want to drink until I don't remember who I am." I said and it took Rian by surprise because he knew how I felt about alcohol.
"When did you start-"
"Before I met Cheryl. It was pretty easy to get my hands on. I would drink and drink just hoping I would wake up and this would be a nightmare but it's not. It never seems to end and I just want it to stop." I said and I pulled my hand out and put it on my face it was now all black and blue.
"Holy shit," Rian said and grabbed my hand looking at it.
I had a small shard of glass in it. Rian saw it and carefully removed it with his fingers. He looked at me with this look of pity. I looked at him and looked at the table putting my hands on my lap.
"I won't tell anyone, I will wrap it but you have to tell me the whole thing. Yes, I also mean what happened in the dressing room too." He whispered in my ear and got up.
Sometimes I wish the sky would swallow me whole because a night sky is pretty in the blissful silence then in the busy city. No one would know the difference, only if it could.