"Jisoo?"
Jisoo turned around on the couch to look at Jennie, who'd just sat down beside her. "Hm?"
"Can we talk?"
"Sure. You alright?"
Jennie shuffled closer, and Jisoo couldn't help noticing her apparent discomfort. Immediately when she did, she laid a hand on Jennie's thigh as a comforting gesture, and looked into her eyes with concern. "Jennie...what is it?"
"I'm fine, Jisoo. I'm worried about you."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"All you've done in the past two days is care about my wellbeing."
"That's because of the trial."
"You were there too, Jisoo. Don't say you weren't affected, I know you were."
"So what if I was? I wasn't in the center of it all. I wasn't the one who had bad memories brought up, traumas even."
"But you did watch me go through that." Jennie said quietly.
Jisoo's expression softened. "I'm fine, Jennie."
"You're tense. And sometimes you fall quiet, and I just know you're exhausted. Anyone would be. I don't want you to burn yourself out for me."
Jisoo sighed and set down her book, spreading her arms and legs to make space for Jennie. "C'mere."
Jennie shuffled over and settled herself in Jisoo's lap, facing her, and remained quiet for a long while, waiting for Jisoo to speak.
"You're right," Jisoo finally said, "I'm exhausted. Or I was exhausted. The trial...I was terrified, Jennie. I know I didn't show it, and I largely did because I didn't want to add to your worry."
Jennie sighed. "You shouldn't have - no, you wouldn't have needed to do that. You don't need to ignore what you're feeling for my sake."
"But you were so...worried. Tense. And you were having nightmares, and-"
"Jisoo."
The dark-haired paused and looked at Jennie, and Jennie now saw that her eyes shone with tears. She reached up with one hand to cup Jisoo's face, and her entire countenance softened as much as it possibly could.
"Jisoo," she repeated, her voice quiet and gentle, "You're tired. You were scared. And I'm sure a lot of questions arose during the trial...didn't they?"
Jisoo nodded. "But I'm fine not knowing."
"No, ask me."
"Jennie..."
"I'm fine, Jisoo. I have nightmares, but I'm fine. I'm not broken. You can ask me hard questions."
"You sure?"
Jisoo's voice was small, and she was looking at Jennie with an expression of mixed concern and hope - she really was curious, and truly did want to know the answers to some questions, but did not want to do so at the cost of Jennie's mental stability.
"Yes, I'm sure," Jennie smiled, leaning her forehead against Jisoo's. "Go ahead and ask me. You're my wife. You have every right to know."
Jisoo spent a long while trying to formulate her question, and Jennie waited patiently, toying with a lone strand of hair, twirling the dark lock around her finger on an endless loop.
"Can you tell me about...no, wait. Do you ever think about suicide? Now, I mean?"
Every word of Jisoo's sentence was careful, tentative, as though she were walking on thin ice - Jennie felt sorry that she was so tense, but understood it's cause. The topic was sensitive, and Jennie, too, was a little tense.
"No. Not anymore. Not for years."
"Really?"
"It was...14, I think. I was young. I...do you want to hear?"
Jisoo nodded slightly.
"I was young, I felt trapped, I felt like nothing was right and I had no control - Nayeon had just left, I didn't know what was going on in my life. I was desperate to feel something, anything really...and so I asked Chaeyoung to get her then-boyfriend to buy me some vodka. She...she wasn't in a good place either, it's not easy being in the circles we grew up in."
Jennie paused to take a deep breath, and Jisoo looked at her in concern.
"You don't have to keep going, if you don't want to."
"No, I want you to understand. I want you to not have to worry, I want you to see that it was just a one-time thing."
"I trust your word if you tell me it was that."
"I don't want you having to wonder. It's fine, Jisoo."
Jisoo stared at her for a while before nodding and resting her head against Jennie's.
"I...I didn't mean to try, not at first. At first it was just drinking. I hated the taste, but I loved how free it made me feel. I went to school drunk. I went to my after-school activities drunk. I...I'm not so sure how my liver survived it all. But then there was that one night." Jennie paused for a second to try and recall a name. "My mother had told me she'd found me a boyfriend, the son of a colleague - Daniel, I think his name was - and she told me that I'd have a date with him the coming weekend. She basically told me that I was to do as she told, and at that time, I just felt like I'd been set up in an arranged marriage. That night, I...I went to her medicine cabinet and took her sleeping pills and painkillers, and took half the bottle and topped it all off with vodka. And the next thing I knew, I was vomiting blood, and there was someone screaming..."
Jennie could feel Jisoo flinch, and looked up to see tears in her eyes. "Hey..."
But Jisoo shook her head, biting her lip to keep herself from crying. Jennie sighed and rose a little bit upwards, and cupped her face gently as she pressed a kiss to Jisoo's lips, gentle as a feather. Jisoo let out a shaky breath and wiped at her eyes, feeling idiotic for reacting so - but hearing Jennie talk about that, and how small and pained her voice was, it all just made Jisoo tear up and want to hurt anyone who had ever dared to try wound her wife. She wrapped her arms tighter around Jennie and buried her face in her hair, hiding her tears and hoping she'd be able to keep them down.
"Jisoo..." Jennie murmured.
"I just...I hurt for you," Jisoo whimpered, "I don't understand how, and you're being so...well, you're not okay with it all, but at least you're not crying - but hearing that, it...my heart hurts, Jennie, I just want to hold you and hurt anyone who ever even tries to come close to you, and I wish you wouldn't have had such a shit life. I'd do anything for those bad memories to go away."
Jennie smiled softly and leaned closer into Jisoo, her hand rubbing gently at Jisoo's back. "Jisoo, I'm fine. The past is the past. I had some rough times, and some rougher times. But I'm fine now. I have some nightmares, and sometimes I'll get sad, but so does everyone. It's just healthy."
"But I...god, Jennie, I wanted to throw that woman out of a window. I've wanted to hurt your parents for a while, and then I just saw her and instantly wanted her dead - It's terrifying, I shouldn't be wanting people dead. I shouldn't be wanting people hurt, and yet, I'd want nothing more than to land a punch into that sniveling face of your dad..."
"I do too." Jennie admitted quietly.
"Really?"
"Really."
Jisoo was actually surprised, and even more surprised by the fact that she was surprised. After all, Jennie had grown up with them, and surely had built up plenty of anger to do a number of painful things to them.
"But we won't. They don't deserve that. They don't deserve to occupy any part of our minds."
Jennie heard Jisoo's words, and took them to heart.
They don't deserve to be in my head. They don't deserve any of my time at all.
And so she sighed, and settled against Jisoo's shoulder, and felt a little better.
"Is there anything else on your mind?"
Jisoo tensed up, and Jennie knew that was a yes. And so when she said no, Jennie looked up, and smirked.
"I know you're lying, Jisoo. Go on. Ask."
"I already nearly cried once."
"So cry. There's nothing wrong with that."
Jisoo sighed. "I just...I know what your...tutor, what she did to you. But...were you afraid when you saw her? Are you still afraid? Cause if you are, I'd like to know, so that I can make sure you never have to see her again."
"I...I'm not afraid of her. Not me me, but like...young me. It's like a residual fear, you know? I spent so many years jumping at the sound of her voice that it just...just seeing her was painful. And most of my nightmares are about her. She's...I didn't expect her to be there, that's all. It was a shock."
"I'll kick her ass."
Jennie chuckled. "You're cute."
"I will, I swear. If she ever so much as comes within a mile of you, I'm kicking her ass." Jisoo said. "I just want you to be okay."
"I am okay, Jisoo. More than okay. I want to know if you're okay."
"I-" Jisoo began, but she sighed. "Sometimes I don't know what to do. When you're...crying, or sad, or whatever. It scares me, and I just feel so useless, and I just...I hate feeling like that, you know? I hate not knowing what to do to help you."
"Jisoo, listen to me. You don't need to do anything to help me." Jennie said sternly. "Most of this I have to do on my own. It's my mind, it's my heart. But you do help, trust me. The way you wait until I initiate a hug or something, or the way you hold me tight when I do ask for it; it's perfect." She pressed her lips to Jisoo's, and was glad to find them curl slightly upwards into a smile against her lips. "You're perfect," she added, and Jisoo's hand came up to her neck, pulling her even closer as Jisoo kissed her again, deeper, with love and devotion pouring into Jennie's being through that touch.
"So you're okay?" Jennie asked for the last time. "Just to make sure."
Jisoo rolled her eyes. "Yes, Jennie, I'm okay."
*****
After a brief nap on the couch, they both awoke feeling rested and significantly lighter at heart; Jisoo no longer felt guilty for keeping herself contained, and despite the pain of knowing about Jennie's past, she also relished knowing - Jennie trusted her enough to have her knowing about it, and she felt at peace with what had happened and what their future was.
"Let's go for a walk," Jisoo whispered into Jennie's ear, who was refusing to get up altogether.
"No."
"Why not?"
"It's cold out. I'm warm here."
"Come on, Jennie. We haven't left the apartment in days. We gotta go out some time."
"But it's cold."
"I'll let you wear my hoodie?"
Jennie looked up and tugged at the hoodie which Jisoo was currently wearing. "This one?"
"I'm wearing it."
"Please? It's my favorite."
"Remind me again how many hoodies you own?"
"None of them smell like you."
"See, now that's just creepy."
"Oh shut up."
After exchanging hoodies and suiting up for the chilly wind outside, they headed out into the world, where the sun was shining and the streets were full of people with a heading. They headed into the park, walking aimlessly around, enjoying the sun and the feel of the day itself; there was a taste of spring in the air, despite the creeping coldness that still resided over the city. There were a few odd performers in the park, and Jisoo made sure that she'd grabbed enough change for each of them - anyone who dared(or needed) to sit outside in the cold, playing music for money, deserved whatever they could give.
"Jisoo, look. The vendor's here."
Jisoo looked over to where Jennie was pointing, and smiled widely when she saw the familiar short man in his usual place beneath an oak tree.
"It's January," she pointed out. "You really want ice cream?"
Jennie tugged at Jisoo's arm. "Come on, we gotta."
"Fine, fine. But I call dibs on the chocolate."
"Jii-isoo-"
"Do you want the ice cream or not?"
"Don't you go treating me like some kid," Jennie grumbled as she pulled Jisoo along to the vendor, "I'm going to have half off your chocolate and you'll have half off of my vanilla. Like always."
"We've had ice cream from him like three times. That's not always."
"We'll make it a tradition."
Jisoo couldn't help but smile at that. "Fine, fine. We can share. What's mine is yours, right?"
©artsypolarbear