I woke up feeling myself being shifted into another person's body. I began to panic and soon I was laying on the ground staring up at the studio lights. I breathed in and out heavily trying to focus on anything. I heard the voices around me it was somewhere between a ringing sound and Cheryl, Lisa, and Alex. Cheryl grabbed my arm and help prop me up. I looked at her and my body was shaking. She pulled me close to her. I had given her a little bit of a rundown on why I don't sleep anymore. I force my body to go to the max on what little sleep I can get. Every time I go to sleep though I have the same terrifying dreams. Not the ones from the past anymore but where he comes back.
Cheryl held me close as Zack got down beside me and tried to hand me a water as I calmed down. I shook my head and looked down at the floor. I wanted to sleep but knew it wouldn't be a good idea. I looked at the boys and put my hands out as a 'please help me up'. Zack pulled me up and I jumped to my feet a little. He then pulled me into his body just holding me there. I stood stiff as a board but eventually, I wrapped my arms around him and hit my head into his chest crying. I never realized at that moment how much Zack smelt like him. I began the whole fight or flight again pushing off him and turning to Alex. Alex wasn't going to let me go anywhere.
I knew Zack wasn't going to hurt me. It was just a bunch of bad memories. Lisa grabbed my hand and interlocked her fingers with me. Cheryl kept telling me it was okay but all I wanted to do was scream. I think Rian noticed it. He slowly got me to walk into the sound booth. I sat there alone for what felt like a few seconds. Rian played a set of headphones on me and then walked out of the room. I could see everyone on the other side of the glass. Rian spoke into a mic and I heard his voice in the headphones.
"Go ahead, it's okay. I've muted the audio to out here nothing is recording," He spoke so softly into my ears.
I felt the tears prick at the corners of my eyes first. I moved my hand to wipe the only to feel that no tears were coming. I then began to do the movements and sounds of crying. Eventually, the tears came and I was full-blown crying. I screamed for a little while and part of me knew that Rian hadn't cut the audio as everyone tried not to look at me. Lisa stared at me though and watched me sit there miserably just try and find any peace in my mind. Eventually, she had enough of it and came in holding me into her chest and taking the headphones off me. I sat on the stool and just cried into her chest.
"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," I murmured over and over again.
"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault," Lisa said and ran her left hand from the back of my head down my back.
"I wish I would've died," I sobbed loudly as Alex and Rian stood in the doorway connecting the sound room to the studio.
"No you don't," Lisa whispered to me as I just kept crying.
I could tell she was trying to be strong and not cry any more than she already had. It was one thing to bury someone just to find out they aren't dead. I wanted to know what happened at the funeral but at the same time, I didn't. I wanted everything to go back to normal, it would never be normal again though. I eventually calmed down enough where Rian and Alex wanted to ask me questions about what happened. I was invited to the band dinner they were having. Cheryl had been invited along with Lisa. I went even though I was informed by pretty much everyone, I didn't have to.
I sat at a table as everyone had some sort of alcohol or sparkling water. I had just got water to drink. Alex sat beside me and Lisa on the other side of him. I was sitting on the corner and the next closest person to me was Cheryl but in reality, she was across from me. She asked the band questions about what certain countries were like, who were their inspirations, did they ever have back up plans. It finally came to the question I hated most that night.
"What was Carter- sorry Logan, like before everything?" She sat as everyone was finishing dessert now.
"Logan was Logan. Quiet at first, infectious laugh, hot-headed-" jack rattled off as I rolled my eyes at the hot-headed comment.
"Madly lovable," Rian said and pointed a fork at Jack.
"Yeah super lovable. Even though she'd never would have admitted it. Coffee lover, Talent-" Jack continued his list.
"she was a good friend," Zack added as Jack nodded.
"Yeah and-"
"and one of the deepest people I have ever met. No matter what she never gives up." Alex said and finished it noticing how uncomfortable I was.
I got up from the table excusing myself. I walked outside the restaurant and sat on the steps by the restaurant. That is when my heart broke down in two. I saw Beckett working as a waiter on the other side of the restaurant. My eyes found his, and they met for a moment. He dropped the order of drinks he was carrying and stared at me. He looked somewhere between scared, shocked, and mad. I got in and ran to Alex pulling on his hand. Alex wasn't easy to get to follow though. Before I knew it Beckett was in the party room where we were seated. He shut the doors to the room and looked at me. I felt this sharp stab right through the middle of me.
"What the hell!" He shouted as I flinched and backed up against the table.
"I thought you were fucking dead! You all lied to me!" Beckett was furious.
This was probably the most irate I had ever seen him. I was practically sitting on top of the table as Beckett continued forward at me. He kept screaming this before Zack stepped in front of me. Zack told him to get out and to talk to me maybe when he had cooled down. Rian had moved food out of the way for me to slide off on the other side. I didn't slide across the table though, I slid off the table and onto the floor and crawled under it. Alex grabbed his plate of macarons and sat on the floor with me. I was crying once again as he reached and felt the table for his beer. I knew he was looking for his beer but settled when he grabbed my glass of water instead.
"He didn't mean it and you and I both know that. He is just shocked like the rest of us." Alex said and looked at me while he stuffed his face.
"I-I know." It came out soft and airy as Alex almost choked on his food.
I patted his back and then he wrapped an arm around me. He kept telling me he was proud of me for escaping. He really wanted to talk about what had happened but I didn't want to. I asked him for a piece of paper. The other thing he could for me to write on was a paper napkin and shitty pen Zack had been carrying his pocket.
I began to write the end of what had happened. At least what I remember and then I closed my eyes tightly not being able to handle it. I felt as though saying it made it more real for some reason. I held out the napkin for Alex. He looked at it and read it carefully before handing it up to Lisa.
"You didn't deserve that. I know you feel different. I am telling you now no one deserves to be treated like that. He tried to dispose of you like you were nothing. Logan Blake, you are something. You are my little stargazer and sort of my adoptive kid. You are like a little sister and best friend at times. You are a beautiful author and artist. I want you to pinkie promise me you won't go." Alex held out his pinkie for me and I looked at it.
I lifted my pinkie out for him. We locked pinkies and Alex looked me in the eyes for the second time that night. I think he knew the fear in my eyes. Alex pulled me out from under the table and went out to talk to a manager. Beckett came out from the bar and looked at us as Alex waved for him to come over.
"Yes Mr. Harrington here has been such a great help with our waiter tonight I think he should get the recognition he deserves," Alex said as Beckett stepped closer to us.
"Well, I am very glad. Mr. Harrington is one of our best waiters." The manager said as Beckett looked at me.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this. Look, Anne, I screamed at her. She looks like someone I know to be dead. It's still really hard but I can't take it. I know him he used to be my girl- the person I mentioned a best friend and we were all friends." Beckett rambled like always as I spoke up again.
"I'm not as dead as you think," I mumbled as he looked at me with horror in his eyes.
Beckett looked, honestly, terrible. He looked like he hadn't slept and I wanted to no more than hug him and tell him how much I missed him. I dreamt of him sometimes while he beat me. I dreamt that anyone would break in and save me. I dreamt of getting out and living a life I knew I'd never have. Alex watched Beckett as the next movement were the ones of an incoming hug. I stepped behind Alex as he protected me. Beckett looked hurt and then followed us to the party room.
"If I get fired tonight Logan Blake you are still my greatest need in life," Beckett whispered as he came over and sat beside me pulling a chair over.
We inner-locked pinkies under the table much like on our first date. I looked at Beckett not knowing what we were anymore. Nothing felt uncomfortable right now. It was all this bitter numbness. I didn't feel comfortable but I didn't feel uncomfortable. I felt welcomed while at the same time feeling like a burden. As the night rolled on Alex got a call from Brendon asking about this surprise. Alex cussed and looked at me motioning to get up. Alex began to drive us toward Brendon's. Lisa and Cheryl were in the car behind us. Everyone else stayed behind to pay the bills and to finishing hanging out.
"You ready to get back to having a life kid?" Alex said and I shrugged.
"Well, I want you to know you're worth every tear that has been shed and every tear yet to be shed," Alex said as we pulled up to the familiar house and gate.
"Let's get you back to having a life." Alex pulled forward as Brendon stood at the door.
I locked eyes with him as Brendon ran toward Alex's slow-rolling car. Brendon opened the door and pulled me seatbelt and all toward him. He sobbed violently and then let me go and ran his hands through his hair telling himself he was insane. Alex patted my back. I unbuckled the seatbelt while Sarah came out of the house asking Brendon what was wrong. I hadn't been seen by Sarah yet but once she saw me she slowly fell to the ground. Brendon then got mad at Alex, he then thought he was insane again. I stood there motionless, what I wouldn't do to feel weightless.
"I'm-I'm okay." I lied through my teeth as I ran and hugged my family.
Mom held me so close to her chest we both lost our breaths for a few seconds. I couldn't tell if it was the tight embrace or violent sobbing. Dad then came and I was unsure for a while. I put my hand out for him to shake. Dad was never one for shaking hands. He went to hug me as I flinched and tried to pull away.
"I'll tell you later what I have got out." Alex's murmurers could be heard as mom pulled me back into a warm embrace.
I had to stay the night with Alex that night as my room had sort of me left the way I had left it. It was destroyed but the door was shut so no one could get in. Dad had my room preserved for a reason I couldn't help but think about what it would be like when I got back in that room. That night Alex laid down beside me. Cheryl was staying in the guest room. I was offered a spare bedroom which I had accepted. Lisa and Cheryl moved our bags in as Alex had a nice set up for spare and guest rooms. I guessed I was in the room jack usually stayed in as there some of Jack's items miscellaneously around the room.
"Do you know how much your life is worth?" Alex asked as we stared up at the ceiling.
I shook my head. Alex scooted closer to me and pointed up at the ceiling. He began to tell me about how Jack had accidentally been jumping on the bed and hit his head and made a small crack in the ceiling. I could clearly see the crack that had been filled in with wall putty. I laid there thinking of my room before going to the window.
"How did you know to get out?" Alex asked me softly as my body suddenly felt cold.
"I didn't I figured I'd die there. The last thing I saw were the stars. I told Sirius goodbye for the final time."
Because who says life is worth having?