12: Steady Spiral
Midterms are in less than three weeks and Teagan has realized more and more that she is less and less prepared.
Her nightmare has become obscure.
She can't remember it after she wakes up anymore. It's as if something is playing with her mind. Inducing her with all the terror and fear and taking away the image of what had scared her so ruthlessly. She doesn't see the golden dragon at night any more.
It appears in the day, when she's trying to study, when she's eating, when she's talking to Lila.
It flashes in her mind hard and fast for a soul sucking second and blurs her reality, taking away seconds from the real world and obscuring it with an image that isn't there. Her migraines are getting worse at random moments of the day and she's becoming more aware of the whispers of her classmates.
The rumors are getting worse.
People look at her as if she's a sick person now. They avoid her vicinity and can't understand why Lila and Chrys are still involving themselves with her. Thad's become extremely busy as of late and Teagan's not even certain he knows that Lila's speaking to her again.
She plans on speaking with him during practice today which is where she's headed.
She's pulls at her leather gloves and tightens her vest around her waist as she walks across the court yard, The cold months are waning, Teagan finds herself wishing for snow instead of the cold grey that happens every year. Spring is crawling in and Teagan wonders how most of the year is already over.
She can hardly remember where it went.
She stops at the door of the stable and reaches for her riding harness. She freezes as her reflection comes into view. The mirror over the rein hook startles her. It hadn't been there before had it?
She fears her reflection.
It grins viciously back at her for one shape horrible mind prickling moment. Teagan shudders away and squeezes her eyes shut. She opens them after ten dreadful seconds.
Her own eyes and gaunt expression look back at her. She finds relief in her horrific appearance. She's going mad and that's... That's less comforting.
With a shaky breath she goes to get Lyra.
"Hello girl, how are you? I've missed you these days." She reaches for her favorite Pegasus.
Lyra shies away for one awful moment and Teagan's heart cracks a little at the realization that Lyra can probably sense something wrong with her aura.
"I'm not going to hurt you girl. I'm not..." She swallows thickly, refusing to feel pitiful. So her Pegasus is looking at her suspiciously, so what? It shouldn't hurt this much, as if she's a person or some such.
But it does.
And Teagan suddenly wishes she could drown in the darkness that was probably eating her aura. It must be fractured again or something.... Perhaps she should ask Headmistress to check... But then she'd know what was wrong and Teagan would still be left in the dark. Also, she's not sure what to think about Headmistress and her lack of forwardness yet.
She's not sure she should trust anyone.
Maybe that's why Lyra wasn't trusting her at the moment.
The winged beast gives her a sudden nudge and Teagan feels the warm tears threaten to spill as she hugs Lyras head. "Sorry girl. I'm Sorry. Thank you for giving me another chance." She refuses to accept the strange tingle in her mind that's telling her Lyra finds her unworthy in the first place.
She mounts her gracefully, having practiced much over the course of the months, and walks her outside in the afternoon sun. The field is gray and the sky is a bitterly cold and cloudy. But they were still out here, practicing.
The second years where to have a game in a few months. Before the end of the year, it seems second year students don't participate as much in the sport yet. Teagan heard third year starts off straight away, so she looks forward to that.
Her mind flashes an image of the golden dragon and her own reflection, black eyes and a devils smile. "If you have a next year. " It taunts.
Teagan shivers and snaps back to reality, realizing Lyra was walking into a gallop and preparing to take off.
Teagan's off balance and she teeters half way up into the air.
She shakes, not noticing the harness isn't buckled in and she topples to the side.
"Teagan!" Thad's voice cuts through her fear clouded mind as she tries to catch herself on her horses head, her left leg brace unbuckles as she teeters over.
Thad flys towards her and manages to grab her hand from Lyras head, who's handling this remarkably well, if a little annoyed. He pulls her upright and Teagan tries to clip her front harness on, her fingers shake so hard it's like a mini earthquake in her arms.
"What are you doing Teagan?" Thad says as she adjusts herself and latches onto Lyras neck, trying to stop her shaking.
Teagan looks up, eyes wide and startled, Thad's brown eyes are narrowed and she realizes he means a lot more than his question is saying.
"I -I don't know anymore." She whispers bitterly and tilts her body to move Lyra forward to land. She can feel Thad's eyes on her back.
He follows her down. Teagan jumps off her horse and tries to get away but Thad's faster and he has longer legs, curse his height. He grabs her arm and Teagan tugs away.
"Stop it Teagan. You aren't acting normal, what's wrong, why won't you tell us? We've tried to ignore your lies but no more." He yanks her around and Teagan's surprised by how hard he pulls her, she looks up and stutters, he's never looked that angry before. Or...more hurt.
"Talk."
She doesn't want to. She yanks her arm away. "Leave me alone Thaddeus."
"Oh really, after everything, and now it's 'leave me alone Thaddeus?" Thad sounds hard and definitely angry. "Come off it Teagan. I deserve more than that!" He snaps heatedly.
Teagan doesn't want to show her hurt, so she glares at him and he glares back. He's sensible and loyal and kind to her. Thad has only ever said things that makes sense and tries to help. Teagan feels the guilt in her heart rise up, but she channels it as rage for no sane reason.
"No you don't. I don't owe anyone anything, and if you can't understand my need for space then maybe you can't be my friend the way I need you to be." She doesn't know what she's saying, she only knows she hurts and she wants to cruelly make him hurt too.
Even though he doesn't deserve it in the least.
Thad doesn't back down. He's had enough of her selfishness it seems. "If you think that's what you need in a friend then maybe you don't know what a friend is Teagan." He says, anger simmering in his voice like a pot ready to explode.
"Stop it." She turns away. He grabs her again.
"Not until you tell me the truth."
"There is nothing to tell." She's keenly aware of the eyes on them now as she yanks away from Thad and trips, her anger boils over unexpectedly and she leads in a cold puddle on the grey ground.
She looks down at the ripples in the water from last nights cold rains.
Her reflection looks back with black eyes. "Kill him just for the fun of it."
Teagan hits the water so hard it splashes in her face. She stands, sputtering and whips away, dripping wet, her red hair limp and sticking to her face, her legs already freezing from the cold air as she stomps away, the wind picks up speed and she doesn't notice it as she throws the stable doors open with force. Somebody scream as and Teagan turns around, heart in her throat, all the boys go running towards a fallen Pegasus.
Teagan's anger dissipates as she realizes with horror that she might have just done that.
She runs forward, forgetting her hurt pride and the cold and sees the great black wings with Snow White tips of Scarrow's Pegasus.
His horse was on the ground. And Teagan doesn't think it's breathing.
Thad yells at Henry to get Gripes as the boys try to untangle the horses crooked wing from under itself. Scarrow lifts his head by the reins and looks at him.
His eyes snap up up to hers and Teagan expects venom , suspicious, hateful rage even.
But the fear and pain she see there shocks her so much she feels like throwing up. Scarrows terrified. His Pegasus might be dead and he... He looks the way, Teagan felt for a moment, when Lyra had turned away. As if something precious was wretched away from him and he doesn't know what he'll do if it is.
She swallows thickly as Gripes hobbles in as fast as possible. He pushes the crowding boys away and puts a hand on Scarrow shoulde as the boy hangs his head over the Pegasus, holding his reins so tight his knuckles are paler than his skin originally is.
Teagan sees his hands shake. And she doesn't dare to notice the possible tear drop onto it as he hides his face from them.
She turns and runs.
She runs as if wolves are chasing her and threatening to eat her whole. She runs... And she doesn't look back lest the guilt eat her alive.
----------
"You can't be serious, Teagan?" Lila says as she twist a lock of hair around her finger.
Teagan is trying to study in their room and Lila is laying across her bed as if nothin in the world matters.
"I think I killed it Lila. And I don't know how I'll every face them again. Or Thad." She admits out loud. Telling Lila things has become easier since she told her about that mirror thing.
She hasn't looked in a single reflective object since the horse incident. She wishes, to stars, that she knew what happened with Scarrow's Pegasus, but she doesn't dare ask. Doesn't dare go to find out out of guilt and fear and shame.
"I could ask for you." Lila says kindly as she rolls over onto her stomach.
Teagan threads her fingers into her hair and sighs deeply. Her eyes hurt from looking at the tiny words on the potion book Chrys had given her. She wasn't really studying like she's supposed to. Lila thinks she is.
The book is strange, It's in a language she can barely decipher and only because of last year when... When she'd been possessed and read all those strange books. The language is similar to that one.
It strikes her as odd how Chrys could read it though. Huh, Teagan thinks she should ask her.
"I suppose it would be strange if I asked though." Lila continues on with the conversation herself.
"It might be since Thad knows I was there." She frowns at the thought of Thad. She'd been horribly unfair to him... Perhaps she should apologize. Teagan rubs at her eyes tiredly again. This book makes less and less sense as she read it. Perhaps she should go back to her Artifacts of Old text book
"When's the last time you've slept?" Lila asks suddenly, rolling off the bed and landing in front of Teagan at the desk that rests against the wall between their beds.
"I - last night I think." She cringes at the thought, she'd been tossing and turning most of the night, afraid to sleep because of the terror she can't remember plaguing her. She feels like soemthing is laughing at her too.
A cold sinister laugh that taunts her fears.
"You look like a corpse . Maybe you should sleep more and study less. These pressures are making you crazy. Does your reflection talk to you anymore?" Lila has been very unnerved every time she asks that question.
And who could blame her. It's a very insane question to ask.
Teagan's about ready to give up an considering herself sane anymore.
"I need to study Lila... It helps me... Not think of everything else." Teagan says tiredly. Her eyes water as she rubs at them again. It feels like sand is behind her eyelids every time she blinks.
"Well, I think you shoukd talk to Headmistress ab-"
"We talked about this Lila. No telling anyone. They're lying to me and I can't take the pressure." Teagan says sternly.
"Lying to you huh? I can't imagine what that must feel like." Lila gives her a pointed look that stabs Teagan almost as if she sunk an actual dagger and in her.
Teagan looks away from her eyes. "I - I don't deserve to defend myself."
"You don't. But Thad deserves your trust. I think you should apologize and talk to him." Lila says suddenly.
Teagan looks up sharply and Lila gives her a mischievous look.
"You knew about yesterday?"
"We're cousins, of course I know Teagan. Also... The Pegasus is alright, he just fainted from the impact of his fall, In case your wondering." Lila says with a look of pure innocence.
Teagan feels angry and relived at the same time. She throws a pillow at Lila to show it.
"That's for lying to me for months when you promised not to." Lila says flatly.
Teagan sighs and tugs at her hair."I deserved that."
"And more. But we'll talk about that later. Now, are you going to talk to Thad or not?"
Teagan sighs and wishes there was a text book that teaches you how to solve life's problems.
Oh, and how to keep dark evil mages from ruining said life.
----
Spring solstice End Year of the dragon.
The king is dead. We've been betrayed and I fear the worst is yet to come.
Harden has succumbed to insanity. His hands are stained with our king's blood. He killed him and I let him, I was powerless to stop him.
I am alone.
And my name is traitor.