I got out of the vehicle being followed out by Rian. Alex and Ryleigh drove to find a parking space. I had been rather silent. I tried to walk faster then Rian to avoid his questions that I knew He was going to ask no matter what whether I was going to talk was another thing. I went to the check-in area pulling a number that was almost called immediately.
"What brings you-" A monotoned nurse says from the desk.
I tilt my head down and to the side.
"My god. Follow me," She got up from her desk and I followed her back into what imagined to be a fast track area.
I was guided to an exam bed. I climbed up on the bed as Rian followed. I handed the nurse my ID and an insurance card. I heard soft music from the nurse station which seemed to be outside the fast track area. I bopped my head up and down as the nurse then had me lay back and put a neck brace on me.
"We are going to have to send her for X-Rays make sure her neck isn't broken," The nurse looked at Rian who looked at me tapping my foot up and down doing a little dance.
"That's fine. Hey, Logan, I'm going to go and sit with Ryleigh and Alex. Do you want any of us back here? I will stay if you want one of us back here."
I shrugged my shoulders as the nurse finished some paperwork and went to get a wheelchair. Rian sighed sounding really annoyed with the fact I wasn't talking. The nurse pulled him out in the hallways and a different nurse came in to take me back to get my X-rays taken.
"That your dad?" She asked and I tried to shake my head but couldn't.
'No.' I signed as she stopped the wheelchair at the radiology doors.
"Well, he seems like I nice person. Don't ignore him, hun. He is probably just looking out for you even if you are twenty." She said and I tried to nod as she chuckled.
Everything from there seemed to move pretty quickly. They shot the X-rays didn't see anything I was going to need a few stitches and a few staples. I was wheeled back to my area in the fast track. Rian was sitting there with a really bouncy Jack.
"Jack you gotta calm down. They think she is really- Hey Lo," Rian said and cupped his hand on Jack's shoulder to stop him from bouncing.
'Hi' I waved as Jack looked at me as I moved onto the bed.
They lowered the exam bed and took out a long needle. I looked at it for a while before closing my eyes. I never had told anyone I was highly terrified of needles. It didn't make sense honestly because I wanted tattoos, and with my past but you know, it's whatever. Rian went and stood at the foot of my bed and grabbed the top of my shoe.
"You're gonna be okay Lo," He sad and drummed on the top of my foot.
Jack came and sat beside me and wrapped an arm around me. They draped this shield over the side of my head. I put my head on Jack's shoulder and they told him he had to stay there while they did the stitches and stables. I was numbed at first and it wasn't too bad but the last couple staples I felt everything and yelped in pain. I was given a note in case I had to fly or anything saying that is why I might go off. I got up as Jack was still pretty hyper. I figured he was drunk, you could practically smell the alcohol on him. I wanted to know how he got here but also didn't.
Beckett was out in the waiting area when I walked out with Rian and a bouncy Jack. He grabbed my face examining it and saw no immediate injury until he saw the top side of my head. He pulled me into his chest and leaned down to whisper into my ear saying the same meaningless words. I held onto Beckett though and felt so unworthy. Beckett didn't seem to want to let go until Jack said something along the lines of us having sex later. I flipped him off and Jack gave me a knowing smile. I walked out and climbed into the rental car Alex was still driving.
"I don't understand why I can't drive!" Ryleigh said and Alex sat playing on his phone.
"Because my ass is here," he said as I climbed straight to the back.
"Hey you see who Mike dropped off for you," Alex said and I just nodded slightly and handed my script forward to him.
"So a pharmacy?" Alex asked Rian who climbed in the back and sat beside me.
Beckett took the middle seat and sat by Ryleigh who Alex made sit in the back. Jack climbed up in the front and reached for Alex's hand who turned the ignition on. Alex though being himself stepped on the gas while the car was still in park. I heard the engine rev and glared as Rian kept watching me from the corner of his eye.
'I'm fine Ri,' I signed as he leaned over.
"If you were fine you'd talk," He whispered to me.
It was weird not sitting with Beckett but Rian put his hand on my knee in a comforting manner. He drummed a pattern on my knee that I then repeated on the side of the car off the hard plastic interior. Rian smiled at me and sped up the beat trying to confuse me. I kept up though which surprised him. He then made a mistake and I realized the song we were drumming to was one theirs.
"Goddamnit!" He said a little loudly making Ryleigh and Beckett turn to look at us.
'drum contest' I signed and they both nodded.
"Don't worry guys just them drumming in the back and Logan messing Rian up." Ryleigh forwards the memo upfront.
"Do we need to look for a new drummer Ri?" Ale shouted back pulling into a CVS.
He started to go through the drive-through as I unbuckled sending the stupid alarm system to go off. It turned off the music and began the annoying beeping noise that someone was not buckled. Alex pretty much immediately slammed on the breaks causing everyone's seatbelts to lock only throwing me forward. My hands slammed into the back seat along with the rest of my body. I hit the back of the seat as Alex looked at me like a parent would.
"I was just going to drive-thru it kid." Alex and began to drive again ignoring the beeping.
"I want to go in," I murmured softly and just sat back in the seat and buckled back up.
"Sorry, we have to be back for bus call in a few for warm-ups and shit," Alex said.
"Then forget it. My head doesn't hurt and if it does I think I'd rather suffer." I mumbled as Alex hummed.
"Okay, whatever you say." He said and pulled out of CVS and back on the road.
We made it there in time for bus call. Dad was goofing off with Mike, and Dan. Nicole was jamming out to some song. Jack ran inside the venue to go to the bathroom. Alex went to talk to the manager. Zack greeted his girlfriend with a kiss. Beckett got on the bus to get his computer.
I nodded my head and got on the ATL bus and looked for my bunk. I found my suitcase and dug through it. I went into the bathroom throwing on a new set of clothes that was not a bathing suit and a weird shirt from the police station. My bunk was all the way at the top when I went back looking for it. I looked up at the bunk and then climbed on Jack's bunk and looked in the bunk. There was junk in my bunk. I rolled my eyes seeing Alex's guitar taking it out and placing it on my body. The strap was far too long for me and I adjusted the strap. I walked off the bus carefully carrying Alex's guitar on my body and walked around.
Before I knew it though I was being pulled away from my guitar strumming by Ryleigh. We were rushing toward the stage to soundcheck. I played the piano for a little while. I waited around until the stage was empty after watching everyone soundcheck. I climbed over the barricade and back up on the stage making it a struggle.
"I want to feel weightless," I sang softly and stood in Ryleigh's spot at center stage.
I felt so guilty. I had hurt so many people in my life and it was not worth any more pain. I had to decide what bed I was going to lay in. I stood there and looked at the guitar guy and went over picking one up of the racks and began to strum on it. I strummed the guitar walking around the stage jumping and just being me. This was the side I didn't let out much and went I heard the wolf-whistling from Jack I stopped immediately and put the guitar back on the rack. I then noticed that it was his guitar.
"Fuck I need to go sanitize my whole fucking body," I said and went into the dressing room stripping off my shirt.
"Put it back on Logan Blake!" I heard Mike yell at me as I walked around in a bra.
"Bite me!" I yelled back and rummaged through the stage clothes finding a shirt that looked like mine.
"That is mine," Ryleigh said and took it from me.
I looked for more clothes and only found Ryleigh's. Why is there only, oh yeah... Alex threw me and all black t-shirt and I went to stagehand finding a pair of scissors.
"Can I?" I said holding the scissors and Alex nodded.
I cut the shirt slipping it on my head. I didn't have the pants to change into. I groaned looking up at the ceiling as everyone was walking around doing shots of whiskey or drinking wine. Ryleigh had snuck some of Zack's Alcohol. Beckett was on Skype with what looked like Katrina and Kolbi.
My head began to hurt and I now had a full-on throbbing headache right before time to go on. I was shaking and had taken a breathing treatment feeling this thump forming in the back of my throat. I had pushed people out of my way and did it in the All Time Low dressing room because I knew no one else cared. No one was in there anyway so it wasn't like anyone would be there to watch me die anyway.
The salty tears rolled from my eyes to my chin. I felt my body rack for a feeling that was anything but pain of bitter numbness. It was what I was accustomed to. I was so scared of letting anyone break down those walls all the way. I didn't have the strength anymore to climb up the stairs of the tower. I didn't have the force to break the bricks. I build a sturdy tower only able to look out and look in.
"Ryleigh Dun to the stage!" A crew member said as Ryleigh walked to the side stage.
I followed her and she smiled softly at me wrapping me in a hug. We did our handshake and I watched her as she smiled looking at the crowd. She popped her head around and was so excited. I was handed an old set of ear molds as Ryleigh had gotten a new set. I shook my head and Rian put them in my ear and handed me a set of drumsticks. Ri gave me a dorky smile and I wrapped my arms around him. Rian's body immediately wrapped his arms around mine and rubbed my back taping into my back. I waved at Alex who waved back at me a little caught up. I ran over to him and Zack quickly giving them a hug before running and hugging dad from behind. I then ran to the stage where Ryleigh was finishing her speech.
"This is Six Feet Under the Stars!" She screamed and I didn't have a guitar.
A guitar tech threw me someones and I began the guitar part fort he song. Someone had come on for the drums and I smiled seeing Dan up there. I stuck my tongue out there at him. I moved toward the piano as we moved further into our set. I finally sat at the piano and the same tech who threw me a guitar came and set a microphone up at my piano.
"This final song we have some good friends who wanted to come to sing it with me! Give up for your next act All Time Low!" Ryleigh shouted and began to clap.
I went to stand up a little confused. I thought were going to be playing a cover to some song but I was mistaken when Dan and Rian switched spots. The guys came out with their instruments and I saw dad at side stage. He was telling the tech it was stupid to give me a microphone. I could read his mouth movements and I heard myself breathing in the mic. I pushed the mic a little way off from being so close to me.
"Hello!" Jack said into his mic as Alex was handed a mic he could walk around with.
"This song is therapy and usually I make a speech and stuff. I just want to let you guys know that no matter what you are worth more than you will ever fucking know. I don't mean that just as words. I mean that in you mean the fucking world to the band, to me, to the people in this room. This song isn't usually played until later but I wanted to add some new voices and a new instrument into the mix!" Alex said and put the mic on the stand.
I heard through my earpieces that I was to play Therapy so that is what I played. I began the opening chord to Therapy. Zack came over and moved the mic closer to me and I glared at him as he poked my side. Everyone was playing a part in this version softly. I then heard something I didn't think I'd ever hear.
"A handful of moments," I sang out with Alex and stopped hitting the black and white keys.
Alex gave me a smile that I had seen so many times but it was so genuine and pure. I saw Ryleigh's whole face light up and Jack excitedly starts bouncing from the right stage. Zack smiled and kept moving the mic toward me.
"I'm a walking travesty," Alex sang along and I looked back at dad who stood their a little shocked.
Alex walked over toward me and smiled sitting on the bench with me. He held out his mic for me to sing into Zack had moved my mic away with his elbow walking around. It was on a swivel so it was easy to move in and out. Alex looked at me with this look like he was so proud of me. I was so fearful and I wanted nothing more to stop playing the piano again.
"My lungs gave out as I faced the crowd," Alex sang and then put the mic toward my mouth.
"I think that keeping this up could be dangerous," I sang softly as he shook my body proudly and we missed a few lines.
The song ended and I tried to make a b-line off the stage. I was not about to run into my dad on the left side stage so I had to cut across and try and exit from the right side stage. Jack stood in my way though and put his hands out like he was going to tickle me. I had tried to get off so stage so quickly I didn't feel Zack come and pick me up placing me beside Ryleigh so we could bow. I quickly bowed as Alex was telling everyone to give us a hand.
"Give it up for the ever so great and awesome Ryleigh Dun! Give it up for the ever so equally cool Logan Urie!" He said as Jack then trapped me from exiting the stage again.
Rian was now laughing into his mic. Zack was getting ready for their first song and Alex was paying not attention so I went to Jack's area. By his mic stand already had a ton of bras already thrown up by it.
"Excuse me, but Alex can you force Jack to let me off sta-"
"She wants to stay and sing another song guys!" Jack shouted into the mic as Alex just laughed.
"Let her off Jack!" Rian joined in the joking and I smiled as Jack pouted.
I leaned over and kissed Jack's cheek causing people to whistle. The other guys groaned and complained about wanting good luck kisses. I rolled my eyes climbing up on Rian's drum kit and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I then ran to Alex who kissed my forehead getting the crowd to go 'ooh' at us.
"She is like a band little sister guys!" He shouted and I went over to Zack.
Zack pointed at his cheek and left his finger there. I thought about it for a moment before making a dash for the exit. I collided straight into my dad's body who stared down at mine. He put his hand out for me and I looked him in his eyes.
"I'm sorry I have been a terrible dad to you. I don't want you moving out and being alone. I don't want you to get hurt. I thought that if I could keep you close and with us at all times maybe I could protect you from that pain." Dad said and I looked at him nodding.
"I am sorry I have to grow up. You're not my dad, Brendon. You can't replace my dad," I spoke the words that felt like a knife stabbing into my chest.
"I know I never meant to try and-" He interrupted me but I just spoke over him.
"But you make me feel loved, accepted, wanted. You have been there no matter what to offer me everything. A life that would have never been attainable for me. I am so, so, so, sorry." I said and felt my headache from the tears coming and the dehydration I was feeling.
"Why are you sorry?" He asked and bent down to talk to me.
"Because all I do is cause you and Sarah pain. I wouldn't speak to you for the longest time. The nightmares, pills, all the attempts, it's like everything I do is a fucking disaster and I'm just sinking deeper. Please don't let me sink," I violently sobbed as he pulled me into his body picking me up.
"I won't ever dream of it." He said and just held me close to his body.
I got his shirt wet with my tears and he had to go change before the All Time Low boys got off. He left me on one of the stage boxes where the but stuff after the concert for transport. I sat there and tried to finish crying but it just felt more violent. It was an assault on my body I had been holding on to for so long. Beckett was still off talking to Kolbi. Ryleigh was down in the pit watching her boyfriend.
Dad never came back to me though he ran past me to the stage as All Time Low ran off toward their dressing room. Ryleigh stayed in the pit interacting with fans. Zack was the first one out of the shower and looked at me sitting on the box. He came over to me and wrapped his arm around me.
"You okay?" He asked and for once I looked into his eyes and shook my head.
"You want Alex?" He asked me and I nodded my head.
Alex came out of the showers shirtless and in a pair of sweatpants. Zack had on a pair of shorts and a random t-shirt. Alex came and sat on the box with me. We sat there in this bitter silence. It wasn't silent though there were screaming fans and loud music around us.
"I want to start the pills. I want to get better. I want to stop- to stop hurting," I sobbed out quietly as Alex pulled me into his chest.
He was careful of my staples and stitches. Rian came out and joined in the conversation as Jack went into the dressing room to grab more alcohol. Rian and Alex watched me carefully as I listened to the music behind me lost in my own mind.
"You will never be good enough!"
"Just fucking die you, worthless bitch."
"I don't know why we continue to foster."
"Logan?" Rian said and waved his hand in front of my face.
"Yeah," I whispered softly and I realized the concert was over and dad was coming out of the showers.
"Are you staying with us tonight or your dad?"
"Can I stay with you?" I mumbled out as Alex rubbed my back hopping of the box.
"Do you want to go, you know stars?" Alex said and I nodded.
I really wanted to sleep though. Alex and I stood outside watching the sky but it was hard for me to breathe after crying so hard for so long. I climbed onto their bus and texted dad a simple goodnight. Everyone seemed to make bus call but Jack. I woke up in the middle of the night to the same nightmarish dream. Alex was up though as I jumped out of my bunk and sat in the back lounge. I rolled up the curtain just enough to see the star and passing lights of buildings and cars. Alex came in and threw a blanket over me. We sat and chatted for a little while before we both fell asleep. I woke up again though to the same nightmarish dream.
"Swim Logan!" I heard someone shout.
I couldn't seem anything around me though. My body moved up and down with the waves. I wasn't fighting the water to try and tread it though. I began to sink and scream. I screamed gulping down various harsh chemicals only to realize I wasn't in an ocean but a pool. The scene flipped and no one was there. It was bright white other than the night sky and the sound of waves.
Oh, what a sweet harmony to be drifted away by the tidal sea. We will be waiting ashore for your body galore. Remember me, sweet girl. Here once but not forevermore.