"You don't have to look so sad, Jongin." Key said, opening the door to the dorm. "Taemin is in what used to be his room -"
"I wanted to talk to you actually, Key."
"About what?" Key asked, walking through the rest of the dorm and into the kitchen. "Don't tell me you're here to offer me your condolences as well - I'm tired of hearing how sorry people are. But I mean, at least you know the truth."
Jongin nodded, "I mean I did want to say how sorry I am about everything. But I wanted to get your opinion on something else." He said, motioning his head toward the familiar door down the hallway. Taemin and Jonghyun's old room.
"Ah - you want my opinion on Lee Taemin. I hate to admit that I don't know how much I can help you there." Key admitted, shrugging slightly as he opened the fridge. "I don't have the same relationship with him that Jjong did. I don't know what kind of bond they shared, but it wasn't what I have with him."
"Yeah, I've always been a little jealous of their bond, kind of feel like Jonghyun knew Taemin better than I ever will. I just - I don't get why hes avoiding me."
"You remind him of Jjong." Key said, sad smile sliding onto his face. "He told me that back a few days ago during one of our talks. I've been trying to watch out for him - I really feel bad for him, Jongin. Jonghyun made sure to watch out for Taemin at every twist and turn, always thought Taem had debuted too early."
Jongin nodded, "I just - ...I'm worried about him. We all saw how he was at the funeral, it was like he wasn't even really there. And he won't talk to me, even when I'm sitting right there beside him."
Key looked away from Jongin, his eyes focusing somewhere far off. "You got to give him time, Jongin. But you can't give him too much time or space. Taemin's going to need you there eventually, despite however he's acting now."
■
Jongin walked quietly back the hallway, walking toward the long ago familiar room. He paused outside the door, already hearing the small cries from inside the room. All the memories that Jongin and Taemin had that were associated with the room were still so easy to imagine.
"This is my half of the room - and that's Jonghyun's half." Taemin said, pointing out the sides.
"I better stay on this side then." Jongin said, smiling and dramatically stepping onto the side that Taemin had pointed out as his.
"So dramatic. Jjong doesn't hate you, he just.... doesn't really think you're the best I could do."
"No, he definitely hates me. I can tell that much."
Jongin pushed the memory to the back of his mind and slowly opened the door, finding Taemin in a small ball - hugging his arms around himself - on what used to be his bed, staring blankly across the room at the bed that had belonged to Jonghyun.
"Hey babe." Jongin said quietly - it was barely over a whisper. He shut the door behind him and walked over to the bed.
Taemin glanced up at him briefly, tears flowing down his face. Jongin sat down on the edge of the bed, running a hand up and down Taemin's back as more sob's wracked through his body.
"Taem -"
Taemin shook his head quickly, his eyes switching back away from Jongin's face and to the bed across the room. "I don't wanna talk, Jongin."
"I need you to though." Jongin said, "I need you to tell me that sure you're not okay right now but that I'm not going to lose you."
Taemin nodded, "Can you hold me?"
"Of course. Scoot over some."
Taemin immediately moved further back in the bed and Jongin laid down beside him, pulling a blanket over top of them. Jongin grabbed hold of Taemin's waist and rolled them over slightly, to where Jongin was laying on his back and Taemin was on top of him. Jongin wrapped his arms tightly around Taemin's waist.
Taemin buried his face in Jongin's neck, breathing in deeply. "Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, Taem. I'm your boyfriend and I'm going to be here as much and as long as you need me to be."
■
Jongin got used to holding Taemin as tightly as he could most nights of the week. Every night he would get a text with just a location - either Shinee's dorm or Taemin's parents house - or asking if Jongin was at the dorm, Jongin knew it had been a bad day and knew what his role would be for the night. Hold Taemin as tight as he could, physically holding Taemin together because Taemin couldn't hold himself together.
If Jongin went to either Taemin's parents or Shinee's dorm, he'd have to let himself in or be let in by Taemin's mom or dad - finding Taemin laying in a heap on either of his beds.
If Taemin came over to the EXO dorm, he'd be barely holding it in when he got there. Jongin standing in the doorway waiting for him, pulling Taemin into a hug the second he got close enough.
Their nights together would never be a consistent night of sleep. Jongin would wake up to Taemin crying, having woken up from a dream - whether it be a nightmare or not depended on the night - featuring Jonghyun in it.
There was even nights where Taemin wouldn't even let Jongin touch him in the slightest, but also didn't want Jongin to leave him alone. So Jongin would sleep on the floor on those nights - if he got any sleep at all, most of the time he spent the night laying there listening to Taemin breathe because he couldn't doze off due to being unsure of whether or not Taemin was actually okay.
The nights when Taemin wouldn't message him at all scared him the most. Jongin always feared the worst when that would happen. He never knew whether or not to rush over to Taemin's parents or Shinee's dorm to try and find him, or if he should take it as meaning that Taemin had actually managed to forget for a little bit - that he had maybe had a normal enough night and went to sleep normally without Jongin watching over him or holding him as tightly as possible.
■
"Do you think he's in hell for what he did?"
Jongin opened his eyes, tilting his head over to look at Taemin slightly - finding Taemin staring blankly at the ceiling. "No."
Jongin continued after a second, "Jonghyun was in pain, emotional pain - which is worse than physical pain most of the time. God wouldn't punish Jonghyun like that for simply wanting the pain to be gone."
"I just -" Taemin's voice cracked. "I just can't get the thought out of my head that maybe he is."
Jongin's religious views were a little more difficult to pin down than Taemin's. Taemin was Catholic, simple as that. Jongin believed in God, but he couldn't bring himself to believe that God would condemn Jonghyun to hell for not being able to handle the pain he was in anymore. He refused to believe that.
Jongin sat up some, looking over and down at Taemin. "Well get it out of your mind somehow. Cause it's not true."
Taemin nodded, his eyes sliding shut.
"Taem, seriously don't think like that. Jjong is at peace now." Jongin said, leaning down and pressing his lips to Taemin's. "Please don't do that to yourself by thinking like that."
■
I can't do this anymore. we're done.
Jongin hadn't moved from where he was sitting on his bed in his dorm room since the text had came through. The text had thrown him off, everything had been - well it hadn't been fine, but it had been their new version of fine as of the night when Jongin last saw Taemin.
Jongin tried calling Taemin immediately, to try and find out what was wrong. To try and convince him not to do this. But Jongin instead found that Taemin had to have blocked his number almost as soon as he had texted Jongin.
Jongin picked Key's number in his phone next, listening to the dialing tone in his ear for a few seconds before Kibum answered.
"Hello?"
"Key - is Taemin still over there at the dorm?" Jongin asked, panic edging in on his words.
Jongin knew Key would be at the dorm, he still hadn't gone back to living at his own house yet. He found it easier to be with Onew and Minho - and Taemin whenever Taemin joined them at the dorm.
"Yeah. He is. Why? What's up?" Key said, "I think he's asleep - or at least he's in his room - do you need me to go get him?"
"No. I just - he -"
"What is it Jongin?" Key asked, concern clear in his voice.
"He broke up with me." Jongin said, quietly. "Over text a little bit ago. And he's blocked my number. And I don't know why."
"Oh. I'm sorry, Jongin. I'll see if I can talk to him a little later whenever he's up and out of his room."
"Thank you." Jongin said, "I just wanted to make sure he was at least with someone right now."
"You're a good guy, Jongin." Kibum said, sighing. "Taemin's just going through a hard time, I'm sure he's just doing this cause he thinks it'll make things easier or something."
■
Jongin was surprised when Key invited him over to the Shinee dorm. He was hesitant in fact, cause he knew from Key's updates that Taemin had been spending more nights over there than he had been spending at his parents since the breakup.
"Hey." Key said, opening the door with a slight grin. He caught how Jongin glanced around the living room, "Don't worry, he's asleep in his room."
"It's like two in the afternoon."
"Yeah, I know. He only got back here around an hour ago, said he had been up all night and went and crashed."
"So why did you want me to come over here?"
Key walked through the dorm, and into the hallway, reappearing with a box. "He asked if I'd give you this at some point. It's a bunch of your stuff that was still over at his parents house."
"Oh." Jongin said, nodding and taking the box from Key. "Guess this makes the breakup official."
"Jongin, I don't want to compare the situations - but if I can offer any advice at this point, it's that no matter how much you hold onto a person it only helps a little bit."
Jongin nodded, staying quiet as he looked down at the box that held all the stuff of his that Taemin had kept over their years of being together.
"I'll keep an eye on him. As closely as I can. And if anything even seems the slightest bit off, I'll let you know."
■
And that was one thing that Jongin was learning the hard way was that no matter how much love you gave a person; love couldn't heal a broken heart - not when it was broken into millions of pieces like Taemin's had been.
It didn't matter how much Jongin had held onto him or how tightly he had held him night after night. He could never have managed to hold him together completely.
Both he and Key had both hoped at some point or another that they could hold their boyfriends together. That they would be enough to stop whatever was inevitably going to happen
But that wasn't how things worked is what Jongin was learning. Love couldn't hold a person together. Love couldn't save someone from their demons.
And love couldn't fix the broken mess that had been left behind.