"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."
-
"I'm happy to announce that our second project with Black Ink Translations will begin in two days! I'd like to personally thank Mr. McCarthy for taking these projects as his own responsibility, this really boosts our company's rep." Mr. Andrews, my boss, went on and on about how great this project will be for us and more ass-kissing for Steve's company.
I know we already went over this, but it still feels surreal to be working with Steve in the same room and seeing him dressed all formal, despite the fact that he hates it. Of course, that didn't stop him from being cheeky anyways, sending me winks here and there and even texts with some really stupid emojis and jokes. I found myself enjoying them nonetheless.
I looked at my phone to see yet another text from him.
From: Stevioo
What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?
Corny.
I snorted unintentionally, causing everyone to stare at me like I'm turning into an alien.
"Something's the matter, Miss Jefferson?" Mr. Andrews narrowed his eyes.
"Oh! I'm so sorry, no." I quietly apologized, feeling my cheeks turning into bright red.
I could see Steve from the corner of my eyes that he's trying to fight a laugh as well.
Mr. Andrews nodded and continued talking. I took it as an opportunity to glare at Steve for embarrassing me. He just shrugged with a hint of a smile playing on his face.
It honestly feels like such a relief sometimes having Steve as a friend, it was unexpected, but also very much needed. He's so many things; flirty, corny, and cheeky but he's also funny, pretty smart for his looks and caring.
"Anyways, Mr. McCarthy will be here to share with you some details." He signed for Steve to stand up and take it from here. He stood up, still smirking.
"Oh, please, call me Steve." He said to Mr. Andrews, buttoning his blazer as he stood in the middle of the room to face all of us.
"This project is so much bigger than the last one, and there's a deadline we'll have to achieve so I'm afraid it's gonna take more than me and Miss Jefferson to perfect this one. We'll start July 25th and we'll have to finish within two months from there. I will walk you through more details when we begin our first meeting in two days, best of luck to you all." Steve nodded his head, sounding so formal it makes me feel like he's a complete different person from the one I know, which really impresses me how easily he could pull this off.
People started gathering around him it was hard to spot him anymore, so I took it as my cue to leave him be. Some started to leave one by the other as I was collecting my stuff, I felt someone stopping next to me.
"Well, if it isn't our talented editor slash writer!" Daniel excitedly said, having the biggest grin on his face. "Meet me on the rooftop in 5." He informed me quickly, then left. I stood in confusion, shrugging, I left the room to go to the rooftop as he told me.
"Here you are!" I greeted him as soon as I saw him, "I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon." I continued before giving him the chance to reply.
"I didn't finish reading your book yet, if that's what you thought." He explained.
"Oh." That was all that came out as I placed my elbow on the fence to rest my chin on the palm of my hands.
"Sorry to disappoint, it's just that there's something I've been meaning to tell you." He smiled apologetically.
"It's fine, tell me." I smiled back to be polite. I don't realize how much I care about that book until it gets brought up, it's unfinished and it has a lot of flaws that will take time to work on, but it's my unfinished flawed book. I poured my heart out in it, I've never held on something as hard as I did for this book.
"As for our last conversation..." He paused, giving me a second to recall what we talked about, "I didn't exactly talk you through whatever you're going through, so I felt like doing right by you this time." He chuckled, earning from me another smile to let him continue.
"So...emotions. They are irrational, crazy and hard to understand. But we need them. We all need them. I tried to run away from them at some point in my life as well, closing them off, denying them for all the pain they brought me, but I also understood what it felt like to run away...it sucked." He started to explain, his eyes spaced into the nothingness as if he was returning back to times where things were a lot worse than now, where he found hurt and abandonment. It's hard to imagine Daniel facing hardship, or how he would be like broken and alone. The thought alone shuddered me, he deserves nothing but the happiness he's been receiving now.
"Everyone of us has his own special way to survive the cruelty of this world, yours happens to be writing. So, no matter what you face in this world or feel about it, you just keep writing. Don't let it shut you down, be the reason that motivates you to write even more." I found his hands reaching for my shoulders when he finished talking as some kind of support.
"Daniel..." I was speechless. I never realized the wisdom that could come out of him, I pretty much underestimated it even though he was always trying to show it to me this whole time. I didn't want to give him a chance back then, not realizing that by giving it to him would be the best thing I could ever do in this messed up life of mine.
"The world ain't all sunshine and flowers, pumpkin." He said. "I may have overdone it with 'pumpkin', but you get what I mean." He chuckled again, lightning up the mood. I chuckled as well.
"That was everything I've ever wished someone would tell me, I can't thank you enough, Daniel." I admittedly said. I don't usually know how to show my gratitude to someone, but at times in my life where I feel lost with no clue of finding the guidance to the right path and someone reaches out in the middle of all these darkness to pull me back is the best gift I can ever receive.
"You don't have to thank me in any way! That's what friends are fo-" Without even giving the chance to continue, I was the one who pulled him in a really tight hug this time. He recovered from the sudden hug, but quickly embraced it and hugged me back. I secretly wiped a tear that was starting to fall from my eye with a smile on my face.
"That was unexpected, but very welcomed." He joked, making me giggle.
"Would it be okay if I asked for your help here and there?" I found myself asking.
"I...I wouldn't want anything else more." He said, pretending to be unaffected with my suggestion, but it was clear that it made him very happy that I'm starting to finally let him in and reach out. After that, he left and I took my time to breathe in some fresh air and clear my mind before deciding to go back to my office.
It's not easy to guide yourself through something you have no idea how it will turn out in the end. All you can do is blindly trust your gut, and see the results of your own decisions. It doesn't sound so encouraging when I put it this way; that I'm responsible for my own path, and it would've been so much easier if someone else took control over my life and decided everything for me. All I know right now is that it does get clearer from time to time, even if I failed or had a step back. At some point, I'll be able to get past it and step forward again to a whole new set of mistakes to learn from.
I slowly walked back to my office as all these clouds of thoughts surrounded me. I found it a great opportunity to start to write again, and so I let my fingers and the inspiration take control.
~
Is this really happening?
Was the first and the only question that kept running through my mind as I stared back at these pair of blue eyes I didn't expect to see so soon. Or ever for that matter. His scent smelled the same, even that half smile that has always been my weakness is still there. My heart started pounding louder, I could faint any second. But I stood still, I'm not going to be the weak person I was last time.
"Long time no see." He said, hitting me with electricity of déjà vu running through my mind. Everything about him looked the same, yet very different. It's like looking at someone you once knew so well and now they're nothing but strangers.
"What are you doing here?" With every ounce of my body, I tried to look unaffected by his presence around me anymore.
There were times where I wished we could have move conversations, more time being the way that we used to be and to just be able to tell him how things are going and laugh about it like we used to, but he's not that person anymore, and I'm not going to be the second choice again.
"Isn't it obvious? I came for you." I can't count the times where he would sweep me off of my feet with his sweet lies and innocent eyes, forgetting the fact that they were also the reason of my suffering.
"I thought it was clear how we left things between us."
"But today was a special day for us...and I miss you." He smirked for the sake of me understanding what he meant.
"You don't have the right to miss me, or be here at all. Please leave." I demanded.
"Tell me that you never thought about me," He paused, slowly getting closer to me.
"That you never regretted how we left things and how much you'd wish you can kiss me right now." He whispered as his face was inches away from my face, his lips were hovering over mine as his breath hit them. I started to get nervous and my knees were a bit weak.
"You've hurt me." I could barely say, breaking eye contact with him.
"It's all in the past. Just say the word and I won't go anywhere." He said, pulling my chin up with his hand so that I can look at him once more. Just looking at them brings back so much memories and feelings, I can't bring myself to remember them.
"You don't understand, it's not that easy." I slightly shook my head. It's so hard on me to refuse the thing I've wanted the most at some point in my life, but that was then and this is now and there's no place for him in my life anymore.
"I want things to go back to the way they were before, we've been through so much together for you to erase it just like that." He continued, brushing some of my hair behind my ears. "Don't you think so, too?" With no hesitation he pulled me closer with a quick swift, making our lips almost touch for split seconds. I pulled him away, with tears starting to fall from my eyes.
"You think that showing unannounced, saying all these lies and trying to kiss me would just let me forget what you've put me through? This is exactly why I don't want to be near you. You didn't choose me, remember!? We could've had everything we wished for, but you just had to go and ruin it." I brushed my tears away, stopping myself from looking weak anymore.
"I didn't know how much you mean to me until you were no longer there, I really do need you." He pleaded.
"I thought I needed you, too." This time, I looked at him straight into his eyes. "But now that I heard you say the things I wanted to hear you say the most, I've realized that I don't need you anymore." I smiled. He looked puzzled, unable to reply to my unexpected confidence.
Maybe the reason he liked me so much was because of how weak I was around him, it just makes him feel stronger with the upper hand and I'm not going to be fooled by that anymore. I always give in and turn weak when it comes to him, but as the days passed, I learned to live without his existence in my life.
"Thanks for clearing things for me, now I can move on with myself knowing that I made the right choice." Without giving him any chance to reply, I stormed out, feeling as proud of myself as ever.
With a visible smile on my face while I was in the middle of writing, my phone buzzed next to me.
My fingers stopped typing on the keyboard, darting my eyes from my laptop's screen to find a text from Candice. She wanted to let me know that we're having a sleepover in her house. Of course, she didn't mention that it's for my birthday, even though it's still the day before, but she knows I'm not very fond of birthdays so she chooses not to bother...sometimes.
-
"Incoming!" Was the last thing I heard before my face got hit repeatedly by a soft pillow. I let out a scream, crossing my arms over my face to block any further attacks. I sat straight on the couch and grabbed the first thing that was close to me, which was Grace's purse.
"No! Not with my purse!" I heard Grace dramatically yell from across the room, but it was already too late. I moved quickly from Candice's couch, with the purse in my hands and I started hitting Scar with the same pace. She whimpered in pain through her laughter, eventually surrendering herself by throwing the pillow on the floor.
"Ow, okay th- ouch! That's enough!" Scar said in defeat.
"That's what you get when you fire at an unarmed soldier, loser." I said in a heroic deep voice.
"I honored your fair fight, sir." Scar mimicked my deep voice, bowing to me.
"We shall do this again some day." I bowed too. I heard applause from the room, when I looked up, I saw Candice, Grace and Marlene cheering for us as if we just won the Oscar.
I fell on the couch again, taking the past events in.
Candice invited us to her house for a girls' night since we haven't done that in ages and decided to invite Marlene too because they can't just leave her out and it would be a great chance to know each other more.
As if they weren't doing that the past couple of days.
Regardless, I've missed being surrounded by them without having to worry about the stuff I may say or do. I used to tell them all sorts of stuff, but I feel like they grew out of it now that it became irrelevant to talk about boys' drama or what I'm going through. We barely see each other, and they go through more serious stuff than mine, so why be selfish and make everything about me, just like I always do?
"Hey, guys?" I said, rousing from the couch. They all stopped what they were doing to look at me.
"I feel like it's been a while since we sat down and just talked about normal stuff, so, what's been going on in your lives lately? What have y'all been up to?" I nervously said, as if was learning to talk in public for the very first time. I just didn't want to keep feeling this weird vibes between us, despite the fact that we still act like our goofy silly selfs around each other. There might be stuff more important than that.
"Okay, I'll go first." Candice said, raising her hand after a while of silence. I nodded, waiting for her to talk.
"Before you do, we might as well drink up a bit to make the most of tonight." Marlene was the one who interrupted this time, already pouring whisky in everyone's glass. They cheered, clicking our glasses together and drank up.
"Jason decided to retire, like, five or four years early." Candice started to say.
"Ugh, I've always hated the guy, it's a good thing what he did." I said, making a face.
"Isn't that the guy that flirted with you none stop this past year?" Marlene asked Candice.
"Yeah, I'm relived he's finally leaving." Candice replied, agreeing with her. And leaving me as confused as ever since it's the first time for me hearing about this.
"Hold on- what? Why am I the last one to know about this?" I asked.
"It's just didn't come up in our conversations, let's just say that he was hard to work with? But still it wasn't as bad as with Grace." she tried to explain.
"What was he doing with Grace?" I asked them both. I can't believe they didn't mention something like that to me. I mean, yeah, we stopped telling each other every single detail in our lives, but that doesn't mean that I should be the last to know something. And it's not just any thing, it was kind of important.
"Don't overreact Candice, I just kept politely rejecting him and he understood... eventually." She shrugged, not really giving the subject any importance.
"But it wasn't something serious, right? He didn't get physical with you?" I asked, trying to understand the angle more to be able to be as unfazed as she looked while explaining.
"Oh, yeah, he did." Grace replied. I almost choked. "I couldn't face him with any accusations though, I just knew I needed to get by until this year ends because we knew he was gonna retire."
"Did he, like, decided to retire early because of other girls that he's been inappropriate with and he knew he couldn't keep working there anymore? You guys! This is serious!" I was starting to panic as so many bad thoughts started going through my mind on after the other, and they still looked so unfazed by what they're saying as if they were talking about taking a day off to go to a spa.
"Relax, Jade, it's not like he's gonna work anywhere else. Let's be thankful that it ended without any serious damage." I wanted to argue more and tell her that you of all people should know better than just keep your mouth shut when you've been treated as an object. This is so wrong in so many ways, but from the way that they look I don't think that anything I'll say would matter.
"Okay, so, he was the boss, right? And he needs a replacement before he leaves and..." Candice's voice trailed off. I looked at her, waiting to continue but then I realized where she was going with this and may face lit up with realization.
"Holy shit, dude!" Grace exclaimed. We all cheered when we realized that Candice may actually become the new CEO of the company. This was huge! Despite everything that I've heard tonight, this might be the first and maybe the only thing that will cheer me up. "Why didn't we hear about this before?" She asked.
"Well, I still haven't made my decision yet, it's a big step after all." Candice replied.
"But you've been busting your ass the most and you deserve to get something big like this." I said, not making any effort to pay attention to Scar anymore. Candice genuinely smiled at me, and then nodded.
"And you, Grace?" I asked, turning to her. She seemed surprised by the sudden attention that was put on her, but she quickly recovers as she smiled.
"Um, well...as much as I tried to bury myself in work, I still feel like there's a lot missing in my life." Grace started, looking like she's in deep thinking. "I traveled to so many places, I learned every language you can think of, worked in a variety of fields, and I even had a few classic theater classes." Her eyes sparkled as she was imagining the life she built for herself, then suddenly she looked down and the spark was gone.
"Aww, boo! Do you still think that having a partner will complete your life goals?" Marlene quickly asked. Again, how did she know where she was going with?
"It's not like she didn't achieve anything in her life." I cut her off anyways. "She's done some pretty badass stuff on her own without the presence of a guy controlling her, she deserves to find someone eventually." I continued.
"Everything worked out for me so well, but it gets pretty lonely when you don't have someone to share these achievements with. Like, other than you guys of course." She giggled nervously.
I kinda was wondering the same thing about Grace, she was this definition of an independent strong woman despite all her awkwardness layers, yet she wasn't that strong from the inside. She really tries to stand out. Of course, she doesn't like it when it shows, because who wants to look vulnerable in front of others when you can fake it 'till you make it? You can almost never hear her complaining about boys drama or even having the slightest crush on someone, 'cause she's always up and about doing something different in her life.
Me and Grace, we were the closest at the beginning actually. Same interests, same kind of humor and thoughts. At some point in our friendship she grew out of it, but not entirely because obviously we still hang out and do almost the same stuff we always do. Just not with the same energy and vibes that's all. She traveled here and there, got caught up with work and family, and it's okay. As much as it sometimes hurts me how much I feel drifted from them, I know that it's not their fault we have responsibilities, hopes and dreams to fulfill. If anything, I should be proud for how much they survived.
"Guys don't matter, they will only slow you down and no boy will ever meet your potentials babe." Marlene explained her opinion more. Sure, most of the guys are garbage and doesn't deserve girls with much bigger potential, even though I had my fair share of garbage guys I still believe there's a guy out there that will truly acknowledge my potential and let me shine brighter by truly loving me.
"You really think so?" Grace asked, actually considering Marlene's opinion.
"C'mon! There must've been any guy that you once liked or shared a moment with." I chose to ignore their conversation entirely.
"Yeah, didn't you used to have a thing for Phil when he used to hang out with us and Steve?" Candice asked.
"Weren't they supposedly Candice's friends, but now Steve follows Jade everywhere she goes like a lost puppy and Phil just kinda drifted?" Marlene replied instead of Grace.
I rolled my eyes. It started to annoy me how Marlene suddenly knows everything about everyone and keeps interfering as if they were actually her friends and I'm the one who's the stranger.
When did this happen?
"Phil, other than his cool haircut and hot bod, we have nothing in common. His head is literally empty. I can't imagine myself being with him." Grace actually remembered to answer Candice's question instead of Marlene answering everything on her behalf, laying on her back.
"I don't entirely say that I agree with Marlene's opinion but, really, who needs guys anyways?" Candice asked, moving next to Grace on the floor resting her head by her arm.
"Hey! Just because you're the most stunning person in the room and yet your taste in men is trash doesn't mean that they're all a waste." I said. They all let out 'Owww's for the nice friendly burn I landed on Candice.
"Ouch?" Candice faked hurt.
"I'm sorry! But I'm not wrong though. 'Adam the fuck boy' in high school? And 'Connor the rich snob' in college? Not to mention the one-night stands, even Jason hit on you once!" I started listing names of the fuck boys she was seeing, some of them were a shame that they didn't stick around more but it was true that they were never the kind that would actually stay, no matter how hot you look.
"Okay, maybe I have a lot of toxic admirers, but that doesn't mean that settling down with one of them is a must. I'm happy the way I am."
"Candice is super woke." Marlene said in a drunken tone, making it clear that she's already wasted. I don't blame her though; we drink a lot.
"Alright, shuddup y'all. It's my turn now." Scar said, joining the others on the floor as she sat hugging her knees.
"As you all obviously know I'm engaged now, and that probably was one of the many things I dreamt of doing, like, I know I'm a lot to handle and can't be serious for more than two seconds but my man handled me through every mood and made me a better person." We all aww-ed as Scar finished her sentence.
"Wow, I never thought you had it in you to say nice things." I joked, they all laughed. I know it wasn't that funny, but we were drunk and we practically laughed about anything.
"Must be the alcohol, ugh." Scar faked disgusted. "But enough of that, I'm thinking about doing something different for a change, like learn to play the piano or violin. I've always been kinda into this stuff but I never had time for them." She smiled childishly. That side of Scar almost never shows unless there's alcohol included.
"I mean, it's never too late. It's a good thing you guys don't want to settle down for less and want to experience life to the fullest." I said, smiling a proud smile at them, but also a drunken one.
"What about you, Jade?" Candice asked, putting the spotlight on me. I sighed, not knowing what to say anymore. I didn't want to make things about me too much or talk too much as it's the only thing I do so I eventually smiled and looked at them.
"Work is going well, I've got another big project about to start and I finally started working on my book again, it's not a huge progress yet, but it's still something." I said. They shared a look, but quickly returned to look at me with a smile.
"No drama here and there?" Candice said, with the same smile.
"None of great importance," I shrugged, planting yet another smile that could merely match theirs. They kept staring at me, as if giving me a chance to confess that I've been trying to hide. I sighed.
"I just didn't want things to be about me, you know? I've been such a bad friend these past couple of months because I was caught up in my own drama that I stopped catching up to yours." I finally confessed.
"Jade, it's sweet for you to do that but," Candice started.
"We don't need permission from you to tell you our dramas." Scarlet said, finishing Candice's sentence.
"Yeah, we all know you go through so much stuff whether you tell us or keep it to yourself." Grace said.
"We're just waiting for you to be ready to say whatever it is you're still holding back." It was like they practiced saying that before I could open up any conversation with them because of how much they sound so prepared. However, it warmed my heart to hear them say those things. I tried to convince myself all this time that I should do everything on my own, and that I don't need to bother anyone with my problems as if it may sound irrelevant to them when it meant the world for me. I just hate disappointments, you know?
"You're right, guys. I'm sorry I felt it an obligation to keep stuff from you," I smiled warmly at them, they aww-ed and suddenly got up to go for a group hug which I didn't mind at all.
"So? Tell us!" They all demanded in union.
"I just have no idea how to start or what to say at all... All I know is, I'm not doing okay. I keep screwing things one after the other, even the ones that helps me the most. I push them away, treat them like shit, and refuse to let them in when it's all I need." I admitted disappointingly.
"You think that you're a hopeless case, but all I see is someone who's well-aware of her issues and that alone makes you not so hopeless. There's still a chance for you to be better." Candice pointed out in hopes of assuring me.
"Yeah, but, why am I the way that I am in the first place? What made me that way? I wasn't always like that, right?" I asked, as if the answer will magically be handed to me on a silver platter.
"I think the real question is who?" Scar said, they all shared yet another look.
"Are we bringing Jack again in this? Because I swear it's not about h—"
"No, Jade, it's not Jack." Grace cut me off. I looked puzzled, still have no idea who they're talking about.
"Oooh, are you guys talking about Luke?" Marlene asked.
"She knows about Luke too!?" I exclaimed, officially annoyed, but also trying to ignore my heavily pounding heart. "But no...t-that was a long time ago."
It surely can't be about him after all this time...can it?
"The things that we bury way too deep inside for too long are the things that we're mostly afraid of facing." Candice said, putting her wisdom cape on.
"But there's nothing to face, the whole thing was just a pile of nothingness. We all fell for the nice guy act, why did you all of a sudden made it all about me?" I asked, feeling in denial all of a sudden.
"It didn't feel like nothing when we hadn't heard from you in months and then you come back one day a whole new person...dating Jack." Scar replied.
"You guys act like you know nothing and that's bullshit." I shook my head in disbelief.
"We all know what we saw, but we never knew what you felt. You shut us down so quickly, we just wanted to be here for you, that's all." Grace said.
We fell in silence as I let their words sink in. I sighed. "It's not that I didn't want to...I was ashamed, okay? The minute it ended, everything came rushing back to me and I realized how stupid I was for letting him in. I felt used, weak and naïve. And instead of facing all that, I believed that Jack was the one who could be my escape."
"It's okay, Jadey. Not everything is your fault." Scar said, patting my back slowly. "I mean, yeah, at some point we all saw through his shit, but I know it felt nice to just believe that his acts came from good intentions."
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything back then, or for the past few weeks for that matter." I paused, resting my head on Scar's shoulder. "But it actually felt nice to admit all that after all this time."
"Talking about stuff could be hard on some people, so we won't pressure you to come talk to us whenever something happens, but it actually feels nice to know that there's someone here for you whenever you're ready to talk." Candice said. They all agreed right away and cheered, too. I just laughed about how dorky they are, even at times like this. I felt so lucky to have them in my life, that despite how everything going wrong in my life and me screwing things even more, I can count on them to make it all okay.
"I love you guys." That was the last thing I said, before drifting to a long deep sleep.
*
A/N:
It's kind of a boring chap, I admit, just felt like I should make you connect a little bit more with the rest of the characters as much as I tried with the main ones.
so here's how things gonna go:
Since last update, I decided to start updating once a month. This way is easier for me, because I get to edit for as long as I want until I'm perfectly sure this is how I want things to flow.
I've written more chapters than I could ever even imagine I could write, so this is a huge progress for me and I'm hoping that some will stick around to see how this fascinating journey going to end. I, myself, is very excited and proud of what I planned.
So stay tuned! And kindly vote/comment, it's always nice to feel connected with you guys. :)