Once we are back at Max's, I sit on his bed and contemplate a little more before I decide to grow some balls and call him.
The phone rings three times before his voice breaks out. It makes me nauseous, sad and happy all at the same time.
"Hayley?" Ross says in disbelief.
I can already feel my heart racing and my breath quickening. "Hi," I whisper and my voice sounds so sad, it makes me sick.
"Are you okay?" He asks. "Fuck, I mean how are you? But also, are you okay?"
I smile sadly to myself. "Yeah, I'm okay. How are you?"
"Can I see you?" He asks and I can tell he did it impulsively as he sucks in his breath immediately after in disbelief.
I furrow my eyebrows. "What do you mean see me?"
"Like FaceTime. Can I FaceTime you?"
I haven't seen him since our last FaceTime. I don't look at any media photos. Although I asked Max to check his Instagram and Ross tripled in followers with now almost 5 million from the last time I checked.
"Sure," I whisper softly.
Fuck.
I pull my phone away from my ear, Max staring me down from the other side of the room as he listens to the entire conversation.
Ross's face pops up on my phone and I feel like vomiting, but I can't. I can't succumb.
"Hi," he says softly.
I smile sadly at him. "Hey," I repeat the introduction.
"Did you lose weight?" He asks at the same time I ask him a question.
"Are you high?" I ask.
The two of us simply stare at each other, both of us thrown off by the others question.
We know each other like the back of our hands.
Ross speaks first. "Hayley, did you lose like thirty pounds? Are you treating yourself right?"
"Are you fucking high right now?" I snap.
"You look... sick. Are you sick?" Ross continues to pester questions about me.
I decide to further ignore his questions. "Where's your girlfriend?"
"Why'd you call me?" He asks. "Did you hear the song?"
I furrow my eyebrows. I now decide to not answer his question with another question in a way.
Instead, I ask for an explanation. That's different right? "What? What song?"
"Oh. Never mind," he says quickly, trying to shut me down.
I glance over at Max who is deeply invested in this whiplash conversation. I look back down at Ross who is staring at me.
"I'm sorry. I don't use my phone anymore really. I don't look at much on social media. I haven't stayed much up to date on what you've been doing," I admit. I can tell it hurt him. "I'm sorry, I've been too scared it'll make me spiral."
He nods slowly. "I get it. It makes sense. Why'd you call?"
"Um... I called to ask you if it would be okay if I went to Rydel's party. And I also wanted to know the odds that your um... your girlfriend will be there," I explain.
I'm letting him know he still has me wrapped around his fucking fingers by being afraid of seeing the two of them together.
Ross smiles. "I can try to convince Danielle to not come if that makes you comfortable. Rydel would prefer you than her coming honestly."
I nod. "But... do you?" I whisper. "Do you mind?"
"It would be nice to see you," he says. "Did you paint your wall?"
I quickly glance behind me as if I didn't know where I was. I shake my head. "Oh, no. I'm at Max's right now. He's in the kitchen though," I lie.
"Are you guys like... dating?"
I shake my head quickly. "No, no, we aren't. Can I ask you something now?"
"What's up?" He asks, his eyes staring deeply into the phone.
I ask him the question from before. Something is off about him. "Are you high?"
I can tell from his slowed down voice, the subtle change in his eyes. Something is odd.
"Fuck, Danielle just got here. I'll text you later if you still want to talk. I'm sorry. It was great hearing from you. Let me know if you want to come to Rydel's party," he blurts, quickly trying to finish his words before his girlfriend walks in.
I nod. "I will. Talk to you later," I say then hang up.
Max jumps up from his seat and crosses the room, quickly trying to get onto the bed. "What the fuck just happened?" He says. "I'm confused."
"He asked me if I heard a song... what song?" I question. "I don't even know his bands name."
"He noticed you lost weight so it's not just me," Max says.
"Shut up. I'm working on it, you know that."
It's one of the worst ways to deal with my sadness post breakup. I'm working on it.
He replies. "The Driver Era is the band name," he blurts.
I nod and pull up Spotify, typing in the name. A list of songs come up and I click the most recent one. Feel You Now.
I can't even guess what song he could be referring to. The album it is listed on is titled "X". Is it a coincidence that we always ended our I love you texts with that? Probably.
His voice floods the small room and my eyes water. I sit silently, absorbing the lyrics and his angelic voice.
Maybe we can love somehow.
When I see you crying, I see you lying even though it's not next to me.
Don't you see me crying?
Some of the lyrics I managed to grasp. But does that relate to me? Us?
As soon as it ends with the three longest minutes of my life, I wipe away the tears on my face. "He sounds fucking great," I whisper.
The next song automatically plays. San Francisco.
I'm holding onto our story.
You are such a sight, the deepest brown eyes.
You know we suffocated our love. You really didn't do a thing wrong. Now I am superstitious of love. And baby, we overplayed our song
You weren't my first. But, you were my first love.
As I continue to listen to this album with tears rolling down my eyes, I feel like I can relate bits and pieces to me. To us.
"Are you okay?" Max asks, a solid thirty minutes after I began the first song.
We lay side by side, my eyes fixated on the ceiling above me. I sniff, my hands reaching up to wipe away the tears.
"Yeah," I reply.
He leans up and turns his body slightly to stare down at me. "Hayley, I know... I know what you're thinking. Please don't... don't just run back to him so easy. He cheated on you and replaced you so easy."
He only knows the half of it.
I nod. "I know," I reply short.
"Hayley, I love you," he blurts, taking me by surprise.
I'm only half surprised. I know by the way he acted around me, he had some type of feeling for me. I didn't think it was anything serious.
I shake my head, leaning up to look at him. "Max..." I warn softly.
"I've loved you since I started working with you!" He defends himself. "And you just... you're just going to run right back to him and I'm right here, Hayley. I've always been there for you."
I slide off the bed and he's quick to jump up. "I told you we couldn't that night. Please don't do this," I warn.
"Please, Hayley. Why couldn't you just try for me?" He begs.
I shake my head. "I should go." Max grabs my cheeks, pushing his lips onto mine. My sternness disappears and I sink into his kiss, my hands frozen at my sides. I suddenly snap out of it and I push his chest. "Please, don't do that. We can't. It'll ruin our friendship - it'll ruin everything. I told you that."
He frowns. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he says, backing away from me. "I don't know what just came over me. I'm sorry."
I nod. "I have to go."
I quickly dart out of his bedroom and straight outside to my car.
What the fuck is going on with my life?
I spoke to Rydel and Ross for the first time in two months. Max admitted to loving me and kissed me. I have a fucking eating disorder for crying out loud. I've never admitted that to anyone. I can hardly admit it to myself.
On my drive home, I just allowed myself to cry. And I got everything out. Everything I had bottled up in me, I sobbed out. All of my pent up anger, my sadness, frustration. Sobbed.
I cried so much I gave myself a headache. I walked up the stairs to my room on the fourth floor... ya know to get my exercise in. I put my key in the door and swung it open.
Liv smiles at me from the kitchen. "Hi, Hayley," she says.
My head is spinning. Next thing I know, I saw blackness.