I can't fall asleep questions keep swirling though my head. I get up and try to quietly walk down stairs. The stairs creaking every so often. Then on to the back porch. I slide my body under the rails and hang my legs off the side. My gaze shifts up to the stars.
"You said everything would be okay," I feel the words tumble out of my mouth.
"You always seemed to promise," slips out of my mouth again I let it go.
I can't keep holding everything in. One day I'm going to explode from this. Not wanting to tell anyone. Not wanting to feel weak or not in control. One day is going to come sooner than later. And I terrified of if and when that day is going to come.
"I thought you were telling me something good. Or we're you trying to warn me," I say again as my eyes glass over and memories of the rainbow I saw this afternoon start to flood my memory.
Just then I let everything flood out, all of my anger, all of my sadness, everything not holding one thing back. Not even the tears.
"You always said that I you were good then good things will happen to you. What are you saying now? What did I ever do to deserve that," I talk a little louder.
I hear the wood behind me creak but don't bother to turn around. Just then someone comes and sits next to me. Not knowing who it is I shut up. They just wrap there arms around me and I feel like that's all I need. Something to pull me back together again.
"Thank you," I say to the person hugging me.
"Even the strongest people break sometimes," the figure says and I know it's Josh.
"And thank you for that," I add.
"For what," he says seeming really confused.
"For doing something. I'm so use to people just watching with horrified faces. No one ever seems to do anything. But you did," I say meaning every word that comes out of my mouth.
"I couldn't just sit there and watch. It wasn't in my nature," he says still not letting go of me.
We sit there for awhile just looking at the stars. Him slowly letting me go. I lean my head on his shoulder from my complete lack if sleep.
Another creak starts from behind us and Josh's arm quickly goes around me. It must be someone from inside because he relaxes and someone sits in my other side. They grab my hand and intertwines our fingers and I feel the electricity though my body.
I let myself drift as I feel safe for once since he came for me. My eyes drift and theirs must too because we all start to lean back. The wood still warm from the sun the was beaming down a few hours ago. I don't let go of Connor's hand as I lean against Josh. Not wanting to be obvious about what they don't know.
I wake up still in between Josh and Connor. Connor closer to me than I remember. But then again I don't have a vivid memory of last night. I try to get up as queitly as I can as to not wake them up.
I walk back inside the house and up to mine and Jen's room. I walk in thinking that Jen would still be asleep but supriseingly the bed is empty. I take out mediccines and walk back down stairs. I grab a water zoning everything out. I take my pills and can already feel them starting to work. Me becoming happier by the minute.
I walk into the living room and flop on to the couch not knowing what else to do. I throw my feet over the back of the couch then lean my head back so I'm upside down with my hands above my head. Jen comes and does the same.
"Hi," she says looking at me.
"Hi," I say back not feeling like talking much. To be truthful I'm still shaken up from last night.
"What's wrong," she asks me still not feeling like turning my head on the floor to look back at her.
"Nothing," I say trying to hide the pain in my voice.
"There's something," she says trying to ring it out of me.
"Just......" I say dragging out the 't' as to not have to say why.
"Just......" she mocks me.
"Still a little scared about what had happened I guess," I say
"Why," She says.
"It's never been him, it's usually been my other brother. I didn't even know until I turned around," I say still upsidedown.
"Another brother," she questions my past words.
"Yeah," I saw as the words and memories still flashing.
Some time passes before either of us talk at all.
"So, you want to come today," she say with a lighter voice than before.
"Where," I ask worry.
"Set," she says simply.
"Sure," I say with a still worry tone.
"Then come on," she says as she tries to get up but fails brutally. I sit up with ease and sit there watching her for awhile.
"Help me," she says clearly talking to me. I grab both her hands and try to pull her up. As soon as she is sitting up I fall backwards. Catching myself with my hands, not a good idea. I feel my wrist pop and already know exactly what happened.
"Okay, now it's you turn," I say reaching a hand towards her. She gladfully takes it and pulls me up.
"Ouch, you okay," she says looking at my wrist.
"Yeah, it's happened before," I say as I spin around and stand up. I run upstairs and grab my brace as I thank myself for bringing it.
I put my thumb tough the hole and use my one hand to tighten it with the other popping it back in to place. I take some pain medicine. While I'm upstairs I change into a pair of short and a t-shirt. Quickly I head back downstairs with my phone in my hand.
I get downstairs and all the guys ready, including Connor. I think he's just doing so he knows I'm safe. I guess it didn't shake me up too much but I can tell it really did to him.
"Hey," I say walking over to them.
"Hey," everyone replies back at the same time. I give them a weird look and stop where I am laughing at all of them. They all state at me then laugh too seeing as to what just happened.
I start to scroll though Instagram then twitter, liking and favoriting some as I go.
"Come on," Jen says as she walks towards the door. I jump up and follow her out and into a car.
The car comes to a stop and Jen jumps out I follow her like a lost puppy. Cause I truly am one.
We walk up to a older man with a gray beard. "Hey, Jen," he shouts as we walk closer to him.
"Hey, Frances, this is Anna," she says walking up hugging him, then motioning towards me.
"Well, hello, Anna," he says looking me over.
"Hi," I say back to him feeling shy and quiet again.
"Well, Jen go head to hair and makeup," he says to Jen.
"You can stay and wonder if you want," Jen says walking away from me and towards some trailers.
Before I can say a thing back two arms come around my body and lift me of the ground. I let out a high pitched scream from prior experences.They put me down and I turn, my leg swinging into there's and they fall to the ground.
"Ouch," they let out and then it all clicks. I stand there and laugh for a minute thinking he should have known better than to do that. He lifts himself up of the ground and wipes some of the "dirt" off of himself. "What was that for," he says walking towards me.
"You deserved that," I say slowing down my laugh so he can understand a little more.
"Why," he says defensively.
"You saw wat happened last night. you should have known better," I say sassing him a little.
"Yeah, I guess your right," he says walking closer than he should be while we're around 'them'.
"What are you doing," I say taking a step back.
"Oh, oops, sorry. I kind of forgot," he says rubbing the back of his neck looking at his shoes.
"It's fine," I say almost taking a step forward.
~
The rest of the day is pretty boring. Only laying around in Jen's trailer and watching Tv and youtube with a mix of Twitter and Instagram in the mix. We all get in our cars and go back to the house.
The rest of he night goes by pretty normal. We eat, talk and then go to bed. Where no nightmares await me.