"I can't afford to lose another second with you. I've been waiting a long time."
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May 12. 11:30 PM.
Should I confront Scott? Ask him what his deal is? I don't plan on telling him I'm still in love with him (even as I'm writing that, me in love with Scott, it feels... wrong), I really just want to know why he's been acting different. But how do I approach him?
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May 13. 9:45 PM.
I should make a plan. I think the best thing to do would be to ask him casually. I will let him know I've noticed that he's changed, but I also have to make him feel that it's not a big deal to me. EVEN IF IT IS. Oh my God, now that I'm writing about it, I realized it really is. Shit.
Best case scenario, he tells me he loves me. (Ha, a girl can dream, right? A gay can dream? Princess. A boy princess can dream.) I'd tell him I love him, too, and we'll live happily ever after. That sounds like more of a delusion than a dream. So not gonna happen. Average case scenario (I don't know what's in between best and worst), he confirms what I've been thinking - that he just misses Alex and he is, instead, spending his time with me. Actually, that doesn't sound average. If he tells me that I will get hurt. I don't want to be his rebound. Let's make that bad case scenario. Worst will be what? He realizes that the reason I'm asking him is because I'm in love with him. Nobody knows me better than Scott, and he might see through me. If he brings up the past and tells me he only wants me as a best friend and that he doesn't love me back, that will be worse case. But worst case will be if he stops what's he's doing altogether and he gets crazy weird around me.
There seems to be more risk and more all-kinds-of-bad scenarios waiting to happen if I confront him. Maybe I should just let him be? See if he goes back to normal eventually.
I will go crazy, yes, but I don't think I'm ready to lose my best friend.
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May 14. 10:00 AM.
Today marks the 3-month deadline for Alex to make things right with Scott. Not that either of them knows about that stupid rule. I was probably the only one who read that article. Not that I care either... Okay... fine. I care. Why am I even lying when I'm the only one reading this. There is no point lying to myself. My hands just get tired from all the extra writing I have to do when I elaborate on my lie.
Here's the thing. I was thinking that after today, if Alex doesn't make his move, I will confront Scott tomorrow. I know I said yesterday that I wasn't ready to lose my best friend, but I won't let it come to that. I just want to know why Scott has been behaving that way. I promise to be casual. Whatever he tells me, I will accept it and drop the subject.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
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May 15. 8:00 AM.
Can you tell from the time how excited I am... sort of? Alex was a no-show yesterday and Scott stayed home the entire time, as I did. I mean I don't know if Alex tried texting or calling, but Scott would've told me. I'm thinking dinner time. We have rehearsals with the rest of PTX today.
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May 15. 10:00 PM.
Rehearsal went well. On the other hand, my thing with Scott went in every direction I wasn't expecting.
So we had Chinese food delivered. We were on the couch, on opposite ends with our feet touching, eating dinner while watching some cheesy chick flick on HBO. I was a little nervous since I wanted to bring up my concern but I wasn't sure how. I was going through different opening lines in my head when Scott suddenly spoke up.
"Hey, Marjorie?"
"Hmmm?" I kept my eyes on the TV even if I wasn't really watching.
"You think we'll ever have that?"
"What do you mean?"
"That..." He grabbed the remote and put the TV on mute. "That kind of love. Not the all-consuming, passionate, crazy-kind of love. More like the let's-grow-old-together kind of love, you know?"
Okay, did he mean we as in like us together or in general? The thought made my cheeks blush. My body is a traitor! I looked at him and saw that he was looking at me, his face all serious. I felt myself blush even more and I hated myself for it. "Why are you asking me that?"
"No particular reason. Just wondering, I guess."
"Didn't you already have that? With Alex?" I held my breath and waited for his answer.
His brows wrinkled a bit when he thought about his answer. It was adorable. "To be honest, no, I don't think so. He was... okay but he was neither kind of love."
I gave myself a mental high five. "Oh."
"I don't want to grow old alone, Mitch."
Whoa. First, he used Mitch. Second, why is our conversation like this? "Scott, where is this coming from?"
He put down his food. What is happening? "Mitch, there's something I need to tell you."
HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. Is he going to say what I think he's going to say? Do I want to hear it?
"Skeeter, you're starting to scare me!" I let out a nervous laugh.
He stood up, moved my feet off the couch, sat next to me and faced me. "I know we've been best friends and..." He stopped. He closed his mouth and opened it again, but no words came out.
Why did he stop?! I slapped his arm lightly. "Spit it out. Now." My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, and I was starting to feel lightheaded.
When he spoke again, his tone had changed and he looked like he was forcing a smile. "When we're thirty and we're both still single, can we like... I mean... You know? That promise thing. We'll stick together when we're 30 and we're still both single."
That must have been one of the most disappointing moments of my life. I was too stunned to speak and I was concentrating hard on not screaming at Scott or punching him. How dare he play with my emotions like that. Well, actually, he most likely didn't have an idea that I was falling for him again and all that so he couldn't have known. But at that very moment I hated him. "Don't be silly, Scott."
"Wait, just hear me out." He took both of my hands in his.
I so wanted to look away. The closeness, the touch, the way he was making me feel inside was unfair. "I'm giving you 30 seconds."
"Look, I don't want to grow old alone, and I know you don't want that, too. So we'll be each other's... safety blankets."
I know people make this deal a lot but does one of them ever feel the way I do? Safety blanket sounded more of I-have-no-choice-so-might-as-well-have-you. It didn't feel very comforting. Or maybe because the ones who make this kind of deal are usually platonic friends who have no feelings for each other.
"Why 30? Isn't it supposed to be 40?" Of the many thoughts in my head, that was what I said.
"Eh. Forty's a little too old, don't you think?" He gave me an awkward smile again. His blue eyes looked as if he was hiding something. They seemed like they were pleading, but for something else. Not this whole nonsense that Scott was talking about. "So?"
What was I supposed to say? I could look at the situation as a glass half empty - Scott having no choice but me, or as half full - a chance with Scott. Granted a lot can happen in 9 years but it's still a chance, right? "Fine."
He looked really relieved. "Thank you!" He squealed as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly. I didn't reciprocate; I was too busy being confused over what just happened.
"Now, now, Sandra, don't get too excited. You have to wait 9 more years."
He released me but he had a grin on his face. He grabbed his food and went back to the spot beside me. We ate the rest of our meal in silence while watching the movie.
As soon as the movie was through I headed for my room. Now here I am, writing.
So things didn't go as planned today. I still don't understand what happened over dinner. Did I really just agree to Scott's proposal? Of course I did. That was something I couldn't really say no to. But you know what I hate? It's the fact that I am probably going to spend the next 9 years of my life waiting for him. Waiting for my chance with him. The thing I just agreed to will screw up every possible relationship I will have (if I have any at all) because now, at the back of my mind, I will always hope to end up with Scott.
I'm screwed. After this entry I will get a bottle of chardonnay, drink until I'm numb, and cry myself to sleep. Oh and probably pray that in the next 9 years, every single relationship of Scott fails.
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May 16. 1:00 PM.
I woke up late and hoped that last night was a dream. But I read my recent entry and it's not.
I hate it. I don't think this is as big a deal to Scott than it is to me.
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June 1. 9:00 AM.
I tried not thinking about Scott's proposal (promise?) but it's hard. It's only been two weeks and yet I've been going crazy over it. Those kinds of promises are supposed to make you feel secure, right? That you won't grow old alone? But what if in the next few years Scott found somebody else and I don't?
How am I supposed to go into a relationship with someone else when I know there's a possibility with Scott? Flirting's easy. Casual dates I can do, too. But a relationship? Falling in love with someone else?
To make things worse, Scott hasn't gone back to his old self as I had hoped he would. He still does all these sweet and thoughtful things that it's making it harder not to fall in love with him. Or fall deeper since I've already established that I never fell out of love since we first got together.
God. What did I get myself into?
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June 27. 11:15 PM.
Just checking in. I'm still crazy, still in love with Scott (Oooh crazy in love with Scott! That perfectly describes it!). Scott, quite frankly, is doing things only a boyfriend should be doing except all the fun, er, intimate parts. I'd be a hypocrite if I say I don't enjoy it. But what'll happen when he finally decides to stop?
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July 1. 9:00 AM.
It's my birthday month! For the next 31 days I will indulge myself and be happy and not worry.
I will try not to worry.
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July 17. 9:45 PM.
Scott's been acting weird. I expected it, sort of, because he's always been like that whenever my birthday was coming up. He knew how much I loved my birthday so he tries to give me a little surprise every year. It's just that he's more secretive than usual. I don't want to spoil the surprise so I will not snoop around.
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July 22. 10:40 PM.
I received an early birthday present from Scott. It was a short video with people from home greeting me a happy birthday. My parents and sister were in it, Scott's whole family was in it, a couple of our friends from high school, and people from CATS. I don't even want to know how long it took him to prepare that to think we have been so busy the last couple of months.
How can I not fall deeper in love with him?
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July 23. 8:50 PM.
Scott told me about his other gift over dinner. VIP tickets to Sophie's concert!!! He knew how heartbroken I was when I didn't get my hands on those. Now we're going. Together. Ahhh I'm so happy!!!
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July 24. 12:05 AM.
HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! The messages are starting to come in. Better put my phone on vibrate if I want to get any sleep tonight. I just wanted to be awake for the first few minutes of my birthday. Time for my beauty rest. I want to look flawless for the next 24 hours!
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July 24. 11:50 PM.
I want to tell you about how lovely this day was and how amazingly sweet people have been (PTX, Esther, Jonathan, some fans, etc.) but I might be having a panic attack soon.
Scott and I got home 20 minutes ago. When I entered my room, I saw something on my bedside table. There was a coffee cup and on the sleeve was written, "I know I keep telling you that you deserve better. I don't know if I'm good enough. Please don't hate me."
Beside it was a box with a cake inside. On it was written:
"HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY, MITCH"
Is it what I think it is? Oh my God I'm gonna vomit.