Drowning sorrows and dealing with the aftermath.
Headcanon; The boys' accent gets thicker when they're drunk, emotional or nervous.
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The first hour of drinking was done so in silence, awkward at first like no one knew what to say. It eased into a more companionable silence after the alcohol started working its magic though and by the end of the hour, they were all well on their way to being drunk considering the amount of whiskey drank. Rocco had been the first to talk, he hated awkward situations and comedy was like his knee jerk reaction. So he opted to tell some funny stories from work and succeeded in making them laugh. Then Connor joined in, telling his own stories or commenting on Rocco's. Lila and Murphy had stayed silent. They kept glancing at each other and locking eyes until one of them would look away. There was still the large elephant in the room but neither wanted to address it tonight, they'd much rather get drunk instead of dealing with the problem. A few more drinks in and Murphy finally warmed up enough to join in the conversation, and in their usual fashion, the twins told stories, switching it up between them as they told them.
Lila was laughing her ass off by this point at one of the twins' stories from when they were only 10 years old. The alcohol had done wonders to ease her tension as well as the boys and they weren't thinking about the events of the night. The four of them had flushed cheeks and were practically swaying as they sat as their brains were saturated in alcohol.
"-so obviously Murph was furious, he was gunnin' for Jimmy Flanagan like a fuckin' pitbull. Bare in mind, Jimmy is a huge fuck, five years older than us, but Macho Murph here fuckin' went after him anyway!" Connor laughed animatedly, eyes lighting up as he told the story with his hands waving all around.
"Aye, but I wasnae gonna let him say that shit about ye deartháir (brother), only I can say that shit about ye." Murphy snorted, making a fist with his hand to prove his point.
"Yeah well, a lot o' good it did ye, ye went down like a sack o' shit from the first punch!" Connor laughed loudly as the others erupted into a chorus of laughter.
"Fuck you! I was ten! He was fifteen, at least I had the balls te even go after him!" Murphy scowled offended, making his twin laugh even harder.
"Aye ye did. But t'was Ma that ended up whoopin' his ass inte next week for hurtin' her precious wee Murph." Connor howled, remembering his mother's fury at the asshole that dared to hurt his brother as the others laughed.
"You can't be serious! Your Ma kicked hi--" Lila's sentence was cut off by a rather loud burp that left her lips and she slapped her hand over her mouth as her eyes widened. There was silence as the boys looked at her shocked before they burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. Lilas' cheeks flushed but she snorted and shook her head.
"Fuckin' hell lass, think ye've been hangin' around with us too much." Connor laughed, looking at her incredulously.
"How the fuck did that burp come out of a tiny thing like you?" Rocco snorted, looking somewhat impressed and also amused. She glanced to Murphy and he was looking at her with a small smile, shaking his head. She felt a warmth spread through her chest and she smiled back before looking down. Even with the alcohol, she was still conflicted and she hated it. She missed how things were, she missed Murphy. Her mood was going downhill rapidly.
"Why didn't you guys just tell me you liked me instead of being dicks?" She blurted out, the alcohol apparently making her brain filter malfunction. She glanced at Murphy and then Connor, noticing their laughter stopped abruptly. Connor shifted awkwardly where he sat. He didn't really expect the question, it caught him off guard. Murphy glared at his hands and chewed his lower lip, suddenly feeling anxious. Rocco felt like he was intruding so he got up and slipped onto the fire escape to have a smoke, not wanting to stick around whilst shit got serious.
"Do we have te do this now lass?" Connor asked regretfully as he blinked at her a little. They were all pretty drunk and he didn't think this conversation was a good idea.
"Yeah, we do. It was a shitty thing to do to me. And If I'm gonna forgive you for it, I'd like to know." The whiskey had made her bolder, and she didn't seem angry now, she seemed curious and sad instead. Murphy wiped a hand over his face and squirmed a little. He'd hoped to avoid the topic of anything that had happened for the night.
"Lila, I think this conversation would be better for the mornin'." Murphy said softly, glancing to her through his lashes. She looked at him and the raw hurt in her eyes made him swallow the lump forming in his throat as his heart ached. He lowered his gaze, unable to meet her eyes out of pure shame.
Connor shifted to sit to face her fully and took one of her hands in his carefully, watching for her reaction. She just looked down at their hands and blinked for a minute before turning her eyes back on him. The whiskey seemed to have quelled her anger.
"Look...we know we did wrong, and we'll spend the rest o' our miserable lives fuckin' grovellin' if we have te, but we are sorry. We just...didn't think I guess? I dunno. We just didn't think ye thought o' us more than friends. Which makes it worse in a way, that we'd do it anyway thinkin' that we'd never have a chance." Connor rambled drunkenly, struggling to find the right words with his alcohol-soaked brain. Lila just stared at him, letting his words sink through the layers of alcohol.
"We were selfish, and we're sorry. I'm sorry." Murphy whispered as his gaze practically burnt her with its intensity, almost pleading with his blue eyes. She nibbled her lower lip for a minute before she turned back to Connor.
"I need time, to trust you both again. Out of everyone, I never thought you two would do this to me. I thought I could trust you both with my life." She said sadly as she looked down to where Connor was still holding her hand.
"Ye can lass. I know it might not seem like it, but we'll fuckin' prove it te ye." Connor said sincerely. Lila then looked back to Murphy who was still watching her carefully, painfully aware of his brother holding Lilas hand and how he himself had no right to even look at her now, let alone touch her.
"Me and you need a serious talk tomorrow, when we're not drunk." She stated seriously, her eyes still showing her pain from what he had done to her. He lowered his head in shame and nodded as he swallowed thickly. He was dreading that conversation but he counted himself lucky she wanted to talk to him at all.
Rocco came back in, looking at them all to see if it was safe, and Lila shot him a weak smile letting him know it was fine. The mood in the loft had grown somber and without words, they all decided they should sleep. Rocco crashed on the couch and almost conked out right away and Lila got up, going behind the screen to change into the shirt she'd been sleeping in. She tried not to think about the fact it was Murphys. When she came back from behind the screen, the boys were in Connors bed and Murphy looked at her. Seeing her still wearing his shirt made his heart hammer hard inside of his rib cage and he closed his eyes. Lila climbed into Murphys bed and curled up facing away from them. She really wasn't looking forward to waking up and having to face everything that had happened with a clear head.
Lila woke first the next morning and she climbed out of bed. She looked around the loft with a frown. The table was in pieces and her clothes were strewn about the place from when Murphy had snatched the bag from her. She was more than shocked she didn't have a hangover but she presumed she was getting used to drinking so much because of the boys. Rocco was still passed out on the couch and she presumed he wouldn't wake until at least noon. She slipped on some sweatpants that Connor had given her previously when she was cold as she looked down at the boys. They were spooning, Connor being the big spoon of course with his arm around Murphys middle, and despite the dull ache in her chest, she smiled to herself. It was amusing and endearing all at the same time. She jumped out of her skin when she heard the door handle rattling a little, watching with wide eyes as the door opened. She relaxed when she saw the maintenance man, she hadn't even noticed one of the twins making a call to him the night before about the flushed away key. The man glanced around at the state of the place and the three sleeping men with almost amusement, presuming they just had a wild night. The man knew the boys, it wasn't the first time something like this had happened. Lila walked over and gave him a grateful smile as he handed her the spare key silently, clearly not wanting to wake the sleeping men in the loft.
She heaved a sigh when the man left as she knelt by the mattress next to Murphy. She took the moment to just look at him. He looked so peaceful and calm when he slept, he looked even younger and boyish. There were so many facets to Murphy, it made her head spin. There was angry Murphy, full of primal and menacing energy that commanded a room. It was sexy as hell unless it was directed at her, then it just made her heart hurt. Then there was sweet Murphy, the side of him that would rub her feet without asking after work when her feet hurt, the side that would ask her continuously if she was hungry or needed a drink, if she was too hot or cold, wanting to make sure she was okay and comfortable at all times. The side she had seen of him the night before was scary, and she needed to be clear to him that if he ever did that again to her, he'd never see her again. It was fine when he was mad at someone else, they always deserved it, but it was uncalled for last night. She wanted to know why he had acted that way with her, she felt like maybe if she heard him out, it could help her to understand and maybe be able to forgive him.
She chewed her lip nervously as she reached a hand out, stroking his hair softly.
"Murph, wake up." She whispered, rubbing her fingers on his scalp soothingly. Murphy blinked his eyes open tiredly, his eyes settling on her stroking his hair. He gave her a sleepy smile but then it vanished when his brain had given him a mental recap of all that had happened. He felt his heart constrict as he looked at her, she looked so sad and it was his fault. But here she was, stroking his hair and looking down at him like an angel in the light of the loft. She moved her hand and he felt the loss instantly. He watched as she stood and gestured to the fire escape before walking off and going out the window. Murphy sighed and managed to successfully get out of his twins grasp. He chucked his robe on, grabbing his smokes and followed after her.
She was stood leaning against the rail and looking out at nothing in particular and she glanced to him when he joined her side. They were silent for a moment, neither of them looking at the other as Murphy lit a smoke and let the nicotine calm his nerves. He was fully expecting her to tell him she was leaving forever and he felt sick at the feeling, though he knew he deserved it. He wasn't sure what to say so he stayed silent and waited for her to gather her thoughts and talk.
"Why did you act that way?" Her soft voice cut through the air and he still couldn't look at her, instead he opted to focus on his smoke and stare at nothing. He worked his jaw a little as he tried to make sure the words came out right.
"The thought of ye leavin'...I just...When I don't know how te deal with somethin', negative shit, I get mad...I dunno why, I've always been that way I guess. Ma sent me te a fuckin' head doctor once 'cause o' me temper. But... Wasn't really interested, didn't listen to 'em, didn't care. They gave up tryin' in the end... I was scared...when ye said ye were goin'. I knew we fucked up and...I was terrified o' losin' ye forever. 'Cause I can't imagine ye not bein' in our lives now. And me head...It gets all mixed up when I'm upset, 'cause I cannae deal with it, so it turned inte anger. The shrink told me once it was some kind o' defense mechanism, 'cause I can deal with anger, I can break shit, scream at someone or fuckin' get in a fight, ye know? I've never really lost me temper with someone that don't rightly deserve it, but last night...was a first for me...and certainly a fuckin' last." He admitted, rubbing his lip with his thumb thoughtfully. She nodded a little, glancing at him waiting to see if he continued. She could practically see the cogs in his head turning as he tried to gather his words.
"I know what I did was...I fuckin'...I'm sorry. Can't even tell ye how sorry I am. I let me anger get the best o' me and I hurt ye. I'll never forgive meself for it and I don't expect you too either. Surprised Conn didn't put me in the fuckin' hospital last night, 'cause if it was him that did that te ye, I woulda fuckin' killed him." He sounded so bitter and angry at himself, sneering at himself almost before taking a long drag of his smoke.
Lila stood there thoughtful for a moment. She was glad he was being open and honest with her, and she already knew he had a temper, his twin had told her as much. She didn't realise it had been that bad he'd had to see someone about it though. She knew he hadn't done it intentionally, she knew deep down he wouldn't hurt her on purpose. It was something he seemed to have no control over. He was scared, scared that he was going to lose her and it had gotten out of hand.
"What happened last night, it can't happen again Murphy. I appreciate you're sorry and I can see you are. But that kind of shit won't fly with me. If you ever do that to me again, you'll never see me again." She said firmly, looking at him. He was shocked, blinking a little as he looked out at nothing still, was she saying that she was sticking around? Did this mean she might eventually forgive him? He nodded and turned to look at her as he discarded his smoke. But his eyes widened, in the light of outside, he could clearly see the bruises formed on the tops on her arms where he had restrained her, he was surprised he hadn't fucking cracked her ribs with the force he used on her.
His face fell visibly and it felt like his heart exploded in his chest and left a gaping hole. Tears stung his eyes and he sucked in a shaky breath, lowering his head in shame. She watched him carefully and when she glanced at herself she noticed the marks, she hadn't even seen them before now. Her heart ached seeing him so upset, despite the fact he should have been since he had been the one to leave those marks on her. But she could see how it was eating him alive. She just wanted her happy Murphy back. She watched him, trying to figure out the next move, what she should do and she saw his chest heaving a little as he tried to calm himself down. He looked so broken and defeated.
Despite her better judgment, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his middle. His hands hung limply at his sides, he didn't deserve her hugs, he didn't deserve anything but a fucking punch from her. He looked at the sky and squeezed his eyes shut as his heart hurt more and more by the second. Tears streaming down his face. Lila felt his body start to shake with silent sobs and she squeezed him tighter, her own tears falling down her cheeks. She would never excuse his behaviour, neither would he, that much was clear. But she couldn't stand to see him hurting like this. It was a bad day and she wanted to move on from it and try to rebuild the friendship they had formed. Because as much as they had hurt her, Murphy in particular, she needed these boys. They meant more to her than she could even vocalize and losing them wasn't an option. She'd told Murphy it couldn't happen again and what would happen if it did, but something told her he would never do it again anyway, it seemed to have traumatised him enough to realise what he had done.
When he felt her squeeze harder, his arms came around her, holding her tightly as one hand went into her hair as usual. His fingers tangled in her wild mane of red hair and he buried his nose in it, the scent soothing him as he broke down. His sobs were pitiful and he sounded like a pained child. Lilas heart broke into pieces and she fisted the back of his shirt as she cried along with him. They stayed that way until both of their sobs eased off and she moved away just a fraction. She looked up at him with her glassy eyes and tear-stained face and his bottom lip quivered. He lowered his head again unable to look at her and closed his eyes, Lila cupped his cheeks and wiped away his tears. Murphy rested his forehead on hers and reveled in her soothing touch, feeling blessed that she was even showing him this kindness. It was one of the things he loved most about her, how sweet and caring she was, always putting others first even if they didn't deserve it, like him.
"I forgive you Murph. Just make sure it doesn't happen again." She whispered through her tears. His heart squeezed and he shook his head, he didn't deserve her forgiveness and he'd surely confess after mass on Sunday and do any penances he had to, to atone for his sins. He swallowed thickly, unable to open his eyes and look at the woman that had captured both his and his brother's hearts, a woman who deserved so much fucking better. She hated how he wouldn't look at her, how he didn't want her forgiveness.
"I want my sweet happy Murphy back. Please?" She pleaded softly, her heart aching terribly. His eyes fluttered open, looking so fucking pained and she blinked at him, her thumbs stroking his cheeks softly. He sniffed a little and nodded, the movement making her head move too since his head was on hers, and she gave him a weak smile. He tried to give her one back but it was so small it was almost nonexistent.
She moved away and took his hand to lead him back inside. She wanted to talk to Connor too now, to clear the air. It was the only way they could move past everything and she just wanted to get it over and done with, like ripping off a bandaid.
"Can you wake Connor for me please?" She asked softly, making him nod and walk over to the mattress as he wiped his eyes. She could hear Rocco still snoring away and she found herself going to walk to the table to sit down. She stopped and looked at it forlornly in pieces and she closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. The reminders of the night before still hurt and she tried to calm herself, she wanted to move on, she wanted things back to how they were.