Review by Sunshine: The Elementalists
Author: PZino1
Summary: 5/5
I genuinely, with all my heart, think this is a perfect summary. You have captured the mood of the story within the summary, using clipped sentences and ellipses to evoke a rather dramatic blurb. The whole summary was fluent, and by the end, I almost forgot to write about the effectiveness of the blurb because I just wanted to read on. That is a sign of a fantastic summary.
You included the characters, gave the reader the perfect amount of information about them, and showed how their lives converge. Additionally, you've introduced the conflict that they will find themselves facing, and while the stakes aren't really emphasised (what happens if they fail?), the whole concept of 'destruction' and 'toxins' and 'dictatorships' is enough for the reader to understand the intensity of the story. So, excellent work!
Grammar: 4/5
Okay, so overall, your grammar was pretty much polished! You very clearly know your grammatical rules, and as I was reading, I barely took any notes in the grammar aspect. Well done! However, as your story is complete and long, there are inevitably some little slips that we authors are bound to make. Here are two that I caught:
"The look in his eye – it like he hates me – but then Musa's by my side..."
The word "it" should be "it's". I'm pretty sure it's just a typo, since you didn't have any problems with contractions in other chapters. Another mistake I found:
"He and Samma are now cling to each other like they'll never let go."
Again, I think this is just a matter of accidental, human error. It can either be 'are now clinging to each other' or 'He and Samma now cling to each other'.
That being said, I did find an actual punctuation error throughout your story, and this had to do with dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"Fine," I nod, spreading my features into a smile.
That above line is incorrect. 'I nod' has nothing to do with the way the words are spoken. It should be:
"Fine." I nod, spreading my features into a smile.
I found a few of those errors throughout your story. Just revise those, but otherwise, I've got no qualms here.
Character Building: 5/5
A bit of a forewarning: I am an absolute sucker for stories including multiple perspectives. I love seeing the different backstories converge, and I love how drama can unfold through different lenses to produce a different experience. That being said, it has to be executed extremely well.
And, boy, let me tell you, you executed it masterfully.
First of all, I love that all characters start off completely differently! We have one dealing with snobs, one literally coming back on his birthday to find a massacre in his own home, and one who is drone-racing. They don't all meet each other in a sudden flash moment – rather, the build-up of their acquaintanceship and, ultimately, their friendship, was paced perfectly and realistically.
I think the development of the characters was simply fantastic throughout the story, as well. I love that Rai, who initially feels 'nothing' but shows the potential to feel, begins to want to feel – and we see the full stretch of his development in those final chapters, as he is inspired by Kass. I loved the way Sammi also developed to leave Musa behind in a realistic, dramatic, and heartbreaking manner.
And Kass? His narration was also brilliant. I love the little sprinkles of humour that we see from the very start – from when he noticed he was talking to a goat. I adore his sass (unlike Eldred, apparently). I love how realistic his characterisation is – I felt him mourn throughout the story, which was brilliant. He didn't just forget his family, adopted or no, and move on. Their deaths were part of him throughout the entire story.
Also, your characterisation of Eldred was so great that, on the first page of my notes, I had written 'Eldred is the best character', and by the last page, it was: 'ELDRED IS TERRIFYING.' I was genuinely shocked when he lost that warmth and went on to kill Hayden – that was a fantastic twist, one that left me clinging onto your every word. Your characterisation is just spot-on.
Writing Style: 5/5
As you can probably tell by my thoughts on your characterisation, I am absolutely in love with your writing. It is sleek and engaging, occasionally using flowery language to describe the setting but also using snappy sentences to drive the action home. Well done!
I love your description, I love the way you weave sensory elements throughout the story to build the world and make it seem completely natural for the characters, and I love the way you contrast the longer, denser paragraphs with short, one-line paragraphs. The manipulation of sentence structure throughout your story was excellent, and it made your writing incredibly rich whilst also helping to establish a powerful, effective mood.
My only issue – and, believe me, it's not even really an issue – is that you used capital letters a lot in dialogue. That's kind of off-putting if used more than a certain amount. If you're trying to capture intensity or amplitude in the dialogue, maybe just include an appropriate dialogue tag to show this? Or even italicise, rather than capitalise? Or use descriptions such as, 'his voice ripped through the air', or something that gets the point across so that you don't have to overuse capitalisation. I think capitalisation should only be sprinkled in there every now and then, otherwise it loses its effect.
Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5
As you can probably tell, I really fell in love with this story. It's been my favourite story to review of this entire month. Your balance of plot, characterisation, and world-building is magnificent and seamless. Your pace is simply brilliant – it doesn't drag, nor does it leave the reader feeling overwhelmed.
The plot twists throughout your story were always engaging – while Eldred's sudden coldness and brutality horrified me, it was a pretty darn great way of making the characters branch out even more. There was fluency between the chapters, the storyline was executed with wit, and the climax of the story was (quite literally) explosive.
The final chapter that was short and sweet and summarised everything from Kass's perspective was a perfect way to tie everything together – it truly was the perfect way to wind down the reader through the beauty of the writing and Kass's character. The philosophical edges throughout the writing, concluded with the final, 'We're life' was fantastic.
Question: will there be a sequel? My guess is that there will be a sequel. There are a few loose strings that I see that need some resolving. Eldred is still out there, as well as the Ra, everything with Rai hasn't been resolved, and I really want Kass and Rai to get together. Like, come on. The chemistry between them is literally written to perfection.
OVERALL SCORE: 24/25
First of all, congratulations! I think this might actually be my highest score given thus far. I was really, truly impressing by the quality of the writing and the story, so please, give yourself a pat on the back! I didn't have many improvements to suggest at all, but regardless, I hope the whole point about punctuation and dialogue helps. Overall, I hope you enjoyed this review because I certainly enjoyed this story.