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Chapter 48
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I wake up to Atol shaking my shoulder. Startled by his curtain of black hair covering my face, I come to with a gasp. The barest of blue eyes come into focus. Mesmerized by the oceans staring at me, I lay there, barely breathing.
Is this what the depths of the sea looks like? I take a mental picture for when I finally escape this hellhole. One day I'll find the ocean and see if it's true, if Atol's eyes are actually more striking than an ocean.
The death soldier leans over me, an unreadable expression on his face.
"Princess..."
That one word shifts my heart in a direction it should not go. A thrill rushes through me and goosebumps lift on my skin. My heart beats overtime, going on overdrive and behaving unreasonably. I tell myself I am scared of him. I tell myself anything but the truth.
When I sit up, his lips seem so near. Our faces are only inches apart. In a haze of exhaustion and wonder, I lean forward, determined to view those soft lips up close.
Atol catches my chin, holding it between thumb and forefinger.
"Jewel. She's-." The tone of his voice snaps me from my haze. Reality filters in and blackens the picture. Remembering my friend, I suddenly forget Atol. I pull away abruptly, turning to my right. Jewel lies on the furs, sleeping peacefully. I crawl to her side, touching her forehead. She's fine, just a little cold to the touch. Nothing to fear. Her fever must have gone down immeasurably during the night.
"Wake up, Jewel." I rub her arm to encourage her open her eyes. As I do, I glance back at Atol. In a startling move, he reaches for me. The heat searing my skin heightens and I scoot back. Embarrassment rushes through like a tidal wave.
Is he acting this way because of this morning? He caught me off-guard in my least conscious moment. I behaved foolishly and in a manner, a fully alert Phoenix never would have. I hope he does not take any of my actions to heart or believe they were genuine. He confused me, that's all. I could never feel anything but gratitude for him.
"I can handle her," I say. "Did you find any breakfast? When she wakes up we should eat."
"Princess..."
I turn away, blushing like a schoolgirl. "I can take it from here."
I give Jewel my full attention, calling her name. "Jewel, wake up. C'mon. I know you're tired. So am I, but we have to go."
She ignores me. Rolling my eyes, I move in closer, shaking her shoulders now. Atol stands behind me, watching. Bewildered that he has not already gone, I squint my eyes, trying to conceal my worry. Why is he still here? Will he now finally demand payment for saving our lives? Is he tired of waiting? When his hand grasps my shoulder, I close my eyes, deciding to give into every request. I imagine myself lying on my back. After everything, nothing I do could ever repay him anyway. It's only fair... I clench my eyes shut.
But he only squeezes my shoulder, as if trying to get my attention. When I ignore him, he lets go.
I shake Jewel's shoulders three times before confusion finally takes over. She rolls gently with each push, easily moving left and right. There is no resistance, no sign of annoyance. She sleeps so deeply, nothing I do can wake her from it.
Finally, it hits me.
"Jewel?" The question comes out as a hoarse whisper. Trembling, I jerk her head to the left. She moves like a raggedy doll, without feeling or care. Frozen on her face, lies an expression of contentment and peace.
"Jewel?" My voice rises. I grab her, shaking until her teeth chatter and her empty eyes open and peer blankly at the sky. Hollowness crowds the blue orbs. No whisper of breath escapes her lips. I shriek, shaking her harder and harder, willing life into her. Willing this all not to be true.
"Wake up. Wake up!" Someone screeches.
"Jewel, it's me. You can hear me! I'm here, waiting for you. Come back. Come back to m-."
A desperate wail cuts me off, reverberating through the hills and shaking snow loose from its perch. The wail echoes, sounding even more frenzied. The vividness of the sound brings reality to life. If I could convince myself this was all a dream, that echo would destroy it. This is real. I have lost her.
Truth stabs me in the lungs. Dissolving into fitful, tormented screams, I draw Jewel into my arms and bury my face in her hair. The truth hits in waves, huge crashing waves that drown me beneath their force. She's gone, never to breathe, laugh, or smile again. Jewel will never again walk in the light of day. Xaro banishes her to a land of eternal darkness, one I cannot reach. One I cannot save her from. Control slips into the cracks and wild, agitated dread creeps in. I scream into red hair, over and over.
I should have never returned. I should have ran into tomorrow, until I passed out from exhaustion. Until I forgot about her. I could've saved her if I'd been smarter about Xaro. Her recovery was all a ruse, all a ploy to fool me into killing my own love.
I can't even cry. The horror in my chest tightens. I yell, gripping the remnants of my beloved.
When calloused hands take hold of me, I stiffen, voice dropping to a low growl.
"Don't touch me."
Despite my warning, Atol pulls my struggling form away from Jewel's. I scream, clenching my arms around her cold body. Once I let go it will all be final. I will have to admit her existence is no more. I can't do that. I won't do that. But Atol's strength is relentless and when his large hands clap over mine and pry them free, I lose the last member of my family. Death sweeps over with its cold breath and sinister laughter.
I bow my head and give one final, wrenching cry. The noise shakes the trees and snow springs down. With it, a touch of sanity sprinkles over the scene. I scramble up and step back, unable to take my eyes away.
It's over.
Jewel's red hair splays out like a fan. Her body falls limply without me. I wait for the nightmare to end. The rosy color will return, won't it? Jewel will get up and run to the end of this awful game. I wait and wait.
When nothing happens, I at least wait for the tears to come streaming down like they always do. The rivulets of water that remind me I'm human, that it won't always be this way. Instead of receiving cathartic relief, my face stays dry and hard, void of all feeling. Just like him. I stand there, bitter and forlorn. I have to remind myself to breathe.
Atol carefully wraps Jewel's dead body in the Fynx fur and carts her off into the woods. The clouds darken and the heavens pour down snow. My Fynx fur tumbles around my ankles and I let the downpour swallow me in its fierce, unrelenting hand. I open my chest, my lungs, willing the cold to take me too. There's nothing to live for anymore. Nothing to pray for anymore. Nothing to fight for. Nothing to love.
Nothing to love me.
Atol disappears for about an hour and a half. When he returns and sees me shivering, he approaches. Bowing down, he retrieves my fur from the snow and encases me in its icy hold.
"You haven't cried," he observes. "You need to cry. You need to let go."
The truth slams me like a brick. I crumple, shuddering. Atol catches me before I crash. I fall into his warmth, pressing my head into his chest. Finally, the tears burn behind my eyes. I release a cracking sob. Wracked with oncoming grief, I clutch Atol's robes and try to hide from the pain.
"I can't do this anymore."
In a surprising show of gentleness, Atol wraps me in his strength. I collapse into him, weeping.
"Yes, you can, princess."
"I have no one left."
"You have me."
I fade into a sorrowful abyss, screaming out at a hardened world.
You have me.
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A TRIBUTE TO GRADUATE JEWEL (Evergreen by Yebba)
I kissed my penny and I threw it in
I prayed I'd keep my soul
Went down to the river where the water bends
The only place I know
Oh, I can't see
The forest, for the trees
So will you wait for me?
Will you wait for me?
Will you wait for me?
My evergreen
Standing at the water's edge
The Mississippi's overflowing
Hold your current in my hands
You bring the meaning to my moments
Oh, I can't see
The forest, for the trees
So will you wait for me?
Will you wait for me?
Will you wait for me?
My evergreen
So will you wait for me?
My evergreen
I know it's just as hard in heaven
So will you wait for me?
My evergreen
I know it's just as hard
My evergreen
Evergreen
My evergreen