Official
"You can start answering now." anunsyo ni Dean na nakapagpatahimik sa lahat. Inilibot ko ang tingin ko at nakita kong kanya kanyang hawak na sa ballpen ang mga kaklase ko habang 'yong iba ay nakakunot pa ang noo. Napahawak naman ako sa dibdib ko dahil sa lahat ng exams na ti-nake ko sa buong buhay ko, hindi ko alam kung bakit dito ako pinaka kinabahan.
I heaved a deep breath first before looking at the questionnaire given. 100 items ito at tungkol sa halo halong subject. Other questions are quite confusing pero sana ay masagot ko ito ng tama.
Napatigil ako sa pagsasagot sa item number 13 dahil nalilito ako kung ano yung isasagot ko. Napatingin ako sa unahan. I saw Andrew looking at me. What is he doing?
"Mr. Forde eyes infront!" suway sa kanya ni Dean. Our seats are arrange alphabetically at una 'yong boys.
I don't know the reason why he is giving me that kind of worried stares now that we're in the middle of our exam.
May problema kaya siya?
Or is it about what happened last night? Bigla tuloy akong na-guilty. Jose was right. As long as pinapatagal ko 'yong pagpili, I'll keep on hurting him.
Bagamat gusto ko nang magtanong, pinilit ko munang pansamantalang walain 'yon sa isipan at nagfocus na lang sa ginagawa ko.
We're just given 1 and a half hour to answer. Napainat ako dahil sa matinding pangangalay. I look at our wallclock hanggang sa tumayo na si Kenrylle. He finished answering the exam in just a short span of time. Samantalang ako ay hindi pa rin nangangalahati. Ramdam ko na 'yong pananakit ng ulo ko dahil naghahalo halo na.
I saw hin glanced at me and smiled. I guess he's trying to cheer me up even if I'm not used to it. I don't know if my answers are correct. I'm sure about the other items pero mas madami pa rin ang hindi ko sigurado.
I'll just pray and pray after this even if passing this exam was too impossible.
"Pass your papers forward." Dean Morrison announced. I look at my classmates. Narinig ko pa na may bumulong na hindi daw sila natapos. I sigh in relief as I put my ballpen down.
"You'll know the results right after the machine checks your paper." Dugtong niya pa bago ito lumabas ng room. I just decided to get my bag bago ako lumabas. Gusto ko kasing isipin kung may nakaligtaan ba akong sagot kanina.
"Teh, ang hirap! Nakakaistress ng bangs!" rinig kong reklamo ni Jose na wala akong kaalam alam na nasa tabi ko na pala.
Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yong sasabihin ko dahil halos matulala ako sa nakakahilong exams na nangyari.
"Valderama, someone is calling you inside." wika ni Kenrylle.
"The who Mr. President?" kunot noong tanong ni Jose.
"I don't have the damn time to identify who's damn interested with you so better check it yourself." masungit na wika ng aming class president.
Umikot tuloy ang mata ni Jose bago siya nilampasan.
Nang marealize kong kami na lang dalawa 'yong naiwan dito sa labas ay umakyat na naman yung kaba sa dibdib ko. I remember what he told me the last time. I don't know if he's just kidding or like the usual, playing pranks on me again.
Habang naglalakad kami ay naramdaman kong hinawakan niya yung kamay ko. PDA is not allowed in the campus at hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag nahuli kami lalo pa't panay tingin ang ibang estudyante sa amin.
"Don't stress yourself. The most important thing is, you did your best earlier." napalunok naman ako dahil sa sinabi niya. I just can't believe it! Kenrylle is never been like this.
"H-hindi naman. Hmm, may tanong lang pala ako." wika ko. I bit my lower lip because of being nervous. Something also change in me. I just can't help but to get conscious about my looks while facing him that's why I ended up avoiding his stares.
Ilang gabi ko na din itong pinag isipan. What does this feelings means? Did I already fell for him?
"M-mahal mo ba talaga ako?" I asked. I know we're too young for this. There's a high possibility that our feelings will change. This is the very first time that I felt this way at aaminin ko, natatakot at kinakabahan ako.
Pero above those feelings, I am happy. They were right. First love was really hard to forget.
"How much do you love your parents?" my brows furrowed when he asked another question instead of answering me.
Tumigil kami sa paglalakad at hinarap niya ako.
"W-words can't explain it,"
Ngumiti ito nang malawak sa akin.
"You already answered my question, Astrid. This will be the last time that you'll doubt my feelings for you. I've never been serious about my decisions not until I told you I love you. " he replied. For so many times that I'm with him, I always felt butterflies in my stomach. I'm still confused about my feelings but one thing's for sure, I am more than happy when I'm with him. Hindi ko lang matanggap. I keep on denying it.
Maybe because it wasn't a good start.
I won't judge him anymore if he agreed before to be Jayniah's fake boyfriend just to prove his brother that he already moved on from my sister. If that time comes na mulit yung ga'nong senaryo dati, ipapaubaya rin niya ba ako para sa iba? Will he let go of me? If he do that, I'm definitely sure that his love for me was not that strong.
Magkasama kaming kumain ni Kenrylle ng lunch sa labas. After the last subject in our afternoon class ay inihatid niya na rin ako pauwi. My mother keeps on asking me what's going on between us. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. Kenrylle told me that he loves me. I can't say if we're already in a relationship since I'm the one who did the first move and I also did that for a purpose.
Sinabi kong boyfriend ko siya at ngayon, ayaw naman niyang bawiin.
"Sweetheart, naiintindihan kita. Hindi mo man aminin sa akin pero nakikita ko sa mga mata mo na may pagtingin ka rin sa kanya." wika ni mama habang nag uusap kami ngayon sa labas. I was hugging her while telling her what's going inside my mind.
"Ma, tama pa rin po bang magmahal lalo na't alam mo sa sarili mong may masasaktan kang ibang tao?" tanong ko. I still remember back then when I happily told my mother that I have a stalker. During that time, hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano ako kasaya dahil sa takot na nararamdaman ko noon na walang magkagusto sa akin. There's this guy who proves me that I am also worth it. He's the very first one who confessed his feelings for me but now, what I'm going to do is to reject him.
"Alam mo anak, hindi na ako magtataka kung bakit marami ang nagmamahal sa'yo. Kahit na madalas mong pinagdududahan ang sarili mo na hindi ka kasing ganda tulad ng iba, gusto ko lang malaman mo na hindi mo na kailangan ng lahat ng iyon dahil pagdating sa pagiging busilak ng kalooban, panalo ka na. At gusto ko lang malaman mo na 'yon ang tunay na kagandahan." gumaan ang loob ko sa payo ng aking ina. Hindi ko maiwasang maluha dahil sa halos araw araw ay napapagtanto ko kung gaano ako kaswerte.
"Hindi ka makasarili, anak. Halos lahat naman tayo ay dadating sa puntong iyon na hindi lahat pwedeng piliin. Kailangan mo pa ring piliin ang mas matimbang. Kung patuloy mo s'yang papaasahin, mas lalo s'yang masasaktan. Sabihin mo na kay Andrew kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman mo bago pa mahuli ang lahat." paliwanag ni mama. Alam kong boto sila kay Andrew para sa akin pero mas gusto ni mama na sundin ko kung ano yung sinasabi ng puso ko.
She was right. I need to end this. Andrew deserves someone who can reciprocate his love.
I don't want to hurt the first man who admitted his feelings for me but I think it's for the best. He can still find someone 100 times better than me.
Pumasok na si mama sa loob. Sinabi ko sa kanya na susunod na lang ako dahil gusto ko munang makapag isip isip. I get my cellphone beside me and then I compose my message for him.
To Andrew:
Are you free tomorrow? Let's have a lunch. I have an important thing to say.
Andrew:
Sure, milady. I'll be there tomorrow to pick you up.
Napangiti ako sa reply niya. Hindi man niya aminin sa akin pero alam kong nasasaktan na siya. Alam ko rin na alam niyang iniiwasan ko siya nitong mga nakaraang araw.
I decided to go upstairs nang lumalim na ang gabi. Humiga ako sa kama habang nag iisip isip pa rin pero hindi ako dalawin ng antok. Binuksan ko na lang iyong bintana namin at dumungaw ako sa labas. Hindi ko inaasahan na may isang pamilyar na lalaking nakatayo doon. If I'm not mistaken, it is Kenrylle holding a paperbag. Dali dali akong bumaba at lumabas ng gate para puntahan siya sa labas.
"A-anong ginagawa mo dito?" tanong ko. Iniabot niya sa akin yung paperbag na dala niya kaya't tiningnan ko ang laman noon.
"It's Hyacinth drawing for you. She told me that she already miss you like how I feel." he smiled that made my heart jumped out of ecstasy. He can easily made me feel that way.
"D-dapat bukas mo na lang ibinigay. G-gabi na kasi." sagot ko. Instead of answering, nagulat na lang ako ng bigla niya akong niyakap. At pagkatapos, paulit ulit niyang hinalikan yung noo ko.
"I miss you." he whispered into my ears. We're just together earlier at hindi ko maiwasan isipin kung pina-prank niya ba ako.
Pero honestly, we felt the same way. Hindi ko alam kung bakit magmula n'ong araw na malaman ko yung totoo, hindi na siya mawala sa isipan ko.
Kumalas ito mula sa pagkakayakap sa akin at pagkatapos ay hinarap ako.
"Unsaid feeling really sucks and it's hard to just keep it without telling it to someone you love."
Hindi ako makatingin ng ayos sa kanya. I can't even find the right word to say.
"Sorry for being slow. I'm just earning enough courage to face your parents and told them how I feel. Can I ask you for one thing right now?"
Marahan akong tumango sa tanong niya.
"Will you be my official girlfriend, ugly duckling?"
Nang dahil sa sinabi niya, mas lalo akong natahimik. I never expect that we'll reach this far.
"You knew me as the person who's never been serious at anything, Astrid. I just want you to know that you taught me to be selfish just for once in my life. I only want you. Give me a chance to be part of your life and I'll do everything to make you happy even if that means that I'll hurt myself in the end."
He wiped the tears running down my cheeks. He kissed me on my forehead once again afterwards.
"Do you love me too?"
I wasn't able to say anything. But after hearing his confession, I just found myself hugging him.