Summary of Chapter 29 (SPOILER WARNING!!)
Since Clinton fears Franzi is being torn between life and death, he hurries up and brings Franzi back to Bri's house.
In the hospital however, Mitchel decides to stay there by himself with Christian together.
On the next day, Clinton and Ellie go visit Franzi. There they find out why Franzi wasn't feeling good lately: she is pregnant!
This makes Ellie happy yet she feels empty inside during the whole car ride due to the mishap she'd been in, and is still struggling with the consequences of it.
Out of nothing, Clinton suddenly suggests Ellie to have their own baby.
**********
Ellie's POV
"Wait what did you s- baby are you kidding?!"
"No I'm not"
Clinton stops the car and stares into my eyes.
I can't realize what he just said.
Make a baby?!
How did he suddenly decide to make this up? What is he even imagining in his beautiful head?
"Look, I don't want us to rush like that"
"Me too, but I don't think we're too fast. It's going to be fine I promise"
"Yeah alright- but I think I am- do you remember when I lied in the hospital, I was placed in a coma, and.. I lost our beautiful child meanwhile.." I faintly say as my voice slowly dies away.
"I know- but I won't let this happen once again, trust me.."
"How could you even forget this?" I look at Clinton with watery eyes.
"What do you mean- I never forgot this-"
"Why do you wish to have a second kid out of the blue then- I'd give myself some time if I was you." I look outside, avoiding eye contact with him.
He turns my head to face his.
"Princess.." he kisses my lips "I never forgot this, alright.. and alright, if you want some more time then fine, I'll wait.. I'd do anything for you"
"Then bring me home and leave me alone please" I say with a cold voice as I wipe my tears away.
He could talk to me any second I think, but he doesn't open his mouth while driving me back home.
Neither do I, because I keep overthinking what he has said all of a sudden. Why would he even say something like this? Or is it just me overthinking shit at the moment? Do I overact a little bit, or too much?
Honestly I don't freaking know what it is, I exactly know one thing at this point: I do not want to have a child after all the shit that I'd been going through.. but how should I let Clinton know? Damn.. if he only knew how I feel about this situation.. I don't want to hurt his feelings too..
_______
After Clinton had brought me home, I slowly walk upstairs and knock on my door, waiting for my mom to open it.
"Hey sweetheart, how is Franzi?" she gives me a kiss on my cheek.
"Mom she is pregnant!" I hug her for a minute straight. I missed her long hugs, they are the best.
Not only do I hug her because I'm happy for Franzi, yeah, that too, but also because I need my mom right now. I feel so lost and she is the only one who could help me.
Yet I try to hide my emotions from her, otherwise she will find out I was pregnant and even lost my child a few months ago.
_______
"That's amazing! I'm so happy for her!"
My mom makes coffee while I'm sitting on the chair, thinking about Clinton's words.
As she finally turns around handing a cup of coffee, and I take a sip of it.
"Ellie are you fine?" my mom asks.
I somehow don't feel like talking so I ignore her question.
"Ellie?" my mom tries to wake me up from my abstraction. I still give no reactions at all.
"Sweetheart!"
"Hm" I finally react to my mom looking straight into her eyes.
"Is everything okay?" she pouts.
"Oh! Well, I don't know.. I'm just a little tired I guess.."
She puts her cup onto the table and looks into my eyes.
"I'm your mom, I always feel when something is wrong. So tell me"
"It's nothing mom really, I just need a couple hours of sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day"
I strictly refuse to talk about my problems, because there is no way I'll be used to talk to anyone about them. I don't know why, it makes me uncomfortable when people suddenly talk about my negative sides or weaknesses.
"I want to sleep a little bit, if that's okay for you" I faintly smile and stand up, running my fingers through my hair.
"Okay, if you say so" my mom gives me a second hug before letting me go.
"I might not always show you this but.. I love you. God bless you my little angel, but I wish you could get rid of this long haired dude, he's making you upset" she whispers into my ear.
How I felt the first part she said. Her words hit me so hard that I couldn't hold back a few tears while we're hugging. But damn she didn't need to talk like that about Clinton. She always does this. I hate it.
"Mom don't start again. And I love you too"
Getting rid of the hug, I turn around and walk away quickly before she sees me crying.
I lock my door and throw myself on my bed, slowly crying into my pillow.
I don't even know what or who is making me cry and feel completely lost at this moment.
The words Clinton said to me come across my mind once again, which somehow won't calm me down. As soon as I hear the word: baby or pregnant, I can't get over the few days I was in pain. Mentally in pain.
I shouldn't have done this to my baby. He should've lived still..
But Clinton talking about a second baby made me think that he forgot about what happened to our first baby, I don't know whether I should be pissed at him or not.. it confuses me so damn much.
This time I wouldn't want talk to anybody not even to Teo, I just decided to note my feelings down.
Sitting in front of my desk after crying a whole ass hour, I start writing:
I've been going through some tough shit which made me sick of living, weakened me drastically.
I don't know if it's all my fault for what happened, but I'm sure it is anyways. I seriously don't want to hurt anybody around me, but I always end up doing so. I don't understand this. I wish everything was just a bad dream, but it's not like that. It's far away from being a nightmare. I wish I could return things back and live innocently, I wish I could delete my experiences I've had neither once nor twice in my life, but every single time until today. I wish I could erase the thoughts in my mind like a small text, but I know: it may sound very easy to many people out there, even though it's far from being something simple. I'm tired of making bad decisions, or to be more specific: I'm tired of being me...
I notice a few tears dropped onto the paper while I was writing the whole time.
I suddenly hear the door open as I turn around facing Nathan; I didn't expect him to be here..
"W-what are you doing here-"
"You cried.. who hurt you"
He comes closer as I slowly stand up, as our eyes lock. It's a weird feeling, I don't even know why I'm not doing anything against it.. I dearly want to turn him away, but I just can't.. something is somehow preventing it.
"Nathan.."
"Shhh" he says slowly touching my lip with his thumb, coming up to me..
He leans in, as I feel his lips on mine. Although I'm trying to scream, it won't come out of my mouth.
_______
"Ahhh!!!"
I immediately wake up and breathe heavily. I think about this ugly moment. Thank god it was only a dream. Me kissing Nathan?! Bitch, get the fuck away. Never ever. I hate him so much, nobody can make me do the same mistakes again.
Yet I feel lost, it feels like I'm the guilty one. I don't feel comfortable about this. Damn, why is this bitch almost everywhere?! Like every time I'm so close to forget his presence, he pops up at that fucking moment. Why. Why does this always have to happen to the poor girl Ellie.
Also this letter I wrote in my dream. I don't remember what I exactly wrote, but damn that shit was dark.
"Even though I barely know its content, I could agree on the fact that most of the things I wrote were true, because that's how I'm feeling all day. I feel like I'm just an unnecessary soul in this world - would be the old me like, but I'm never going to be the one giving up anymore." I tell myself proudly.
"What the fuck is happening to me" I say to myself.
I don't know why but I suddenly feel like I need to apologize to my baby Clinton, because I think I've hurt him by being a cold ass bitch towards his beautiful soul. My eyes automatically start looking for my phone, and I grab it, messaging the love of my life.
Me: Baby.. can we like meet up at a restaurant? I need to talk to you.
Clinton: Yeah sure, which restaurant do you want us to go?
After texting I go prepare to go outside once again. I say goodbye to my mom, and meet Clinton in front of the building I just left.
I kiss his cheek after hopping inside the car.
_______
Clinton's POV
I genuinely didn't expect her wanting to meet up with me, because I thought I kind of pissed her off. I thought I should give her some time to think about things and rest, she truly did sound pissed.. I'm glad she now wants to see me.
"How could you even forget this?"
"What do you mean- I never forgot this-"
"Why do you wish to have a second kid out of the blue then- I'd give myself some time if I was you."
"Princess.. I never forgot this, alright.. and alright, if you want some more time then fine, I'll wait.. I'd do anything for you"
"Then bring me home and leave me alone please"
My thoughts always switch back to this instant while driving the car.
The words she said kind of hit me, but I can't blame her for that.. she was right, I shouldn't have said these things in the first place.
I quickly look at her smiling, as she does the same.
"This one sounds like a beautiful restaurant doesn't it?" Ellie points at the small building a few miles away from us.
I utter a little "yeah" searching for a place to park the car.
Finding one, I park it and we finally get out of the car, looking for a comfy place to sit.
At first I struggle with talking to her, but since she talks to me first, I don't really mind talking frequently.
She tells me things where I nearly burst out in laughter. Which is happening right now again.
"Clinton?" she smiles at me
"Hahaha yes!" I look at her with a bright smile on my face.
"I shouldn't have reacted spicy earlier. Please forgive me" she touches my hand as our eyes catch each others intenesly.
"..baby it's fine, I completely understand you, I mean you weren't wrong, it's not your fault either- I just- I shouldn't have acted like an asshole you know. But please don't you think I forgot about our dead baby.. because I truly didn't.. but I thought.. I don't know.. maybe I thought we could start over and have a beautiful life like Mitchel and Franzi. I guess we deserve it too"
"Wow you actually spoke for a few minutes straight" she smiles.
"I know- yet I'm not surprised. I'm glad I have someone who constantly listens to what I have to say- you're definitely not like Mitchel. One more thing I love about you" I kiss her hands.
She giggles.
"I must be the luckiest woman in this world- but hey I want to tell you something else"
"I'm listening"
"I thought about your suggestion and I have come to the conclusion to accept it. Like I guess I want us to have a kid- not even do I guess, I want to have a beautiful little Clinton!"
_______________
Hey my angels,
I'm back with another chapter!!
This was a mixture of sadness and happiness somehow (in the end), I hope you liked it!!
Is there anything you wish you saw before we come to and end? I mean I cannot guarantee to fulfill what you guys suggest if it doesn't fit to the content, but I'd definitely give my best😝❤
Anyways don't forget to vote and stay gorgeous❤❤