The day I have dreaded since he told me the news two weeks ago. Today, Ross leaves Colorado to move in with his family.
I'm not going to act like I'm not devastated. He has been my rock these last few months and I don't really know how I'm going to survive this year without him. I would essentially call him the missing piece to the puzzle of my life which is stupid and cliché, but it's true.
I didn't want to make it a huge process because I know I'll break down in front of him. He's leaving at 10 AM with only himself and his bags. I decide to wake up a little before him and walk to the coffee shop right next to his apartment. With a quick 30 minute adventure because the line is way too long for this early in the morning, I walk back with our coffees.
I open the apartment with the key he made me a while ago. With a coffee in each hand, I walk into his bedroom. He's still sprawled out and sleeping. He was up packing until 3 in the morning so I'm not surprised when I see him knocked out when he didn't move an inch when I slipped out of his grasp forty minutes earlier.
"Hi babe," I say softly to wake him up. "Time to wake up."
Ross opens his eyes slowly and blinks a few times. "Hey," his sleepy voice replies.
"I got you some coffee." I lean my hand out and begin to push back his wild hair from his face.
Ross continues to stare at me, clearly confused. "Thank you. What time is it?"
I glance at my watch before replying. "8:15. I think you snoozed your alarm."
"Mm." He sits up and I hand him his coffee. "Thanks, I definitely needed this. My coffee machine is packed up and I have no idea where it is." He leans over and kisses my forehead before drinking some of his coffee.
My heart aches hearing that and I try to act calm and collected. I can't cry in front of him anymore. I have done it one too many times.
Ross gets up and walks into the bathroom, his bare feet padding against the wood floors. He comes out fifteen minutes later with a freshly cleaned body. During the time he was showering, I glanced around at the empty room with the only thing in it was his mattress, blanket and pillow. My eyes teared up at the realization that he was actually leaving. I can't do this. I can't sit here and I act like I can hold myself together.
I wipe my eyes and collect myself once I hear the shower turn off. "I have to go. I got called into work," I lie. I need to leave. If I stay here any longer, all I will do is cry and it won't be pleasant for either of us.
"Really, babe? You have to go now?"
I nod. "I'm sorry. It was, um, some emergency. I love you. Call me when you get there, okay?" I rush my words. I walk over and press my mouth against his quickly, allowing myself to savor his kiss.
I pull away only moments later and quickly walk out the door. I hear him call my name, but I keep walking. I hurry down the hallway as the tears start streaming down my face. I cover my mouth to contain any sobs as my whole body seems to cave.
"Hayley... your keys," Ross yells from down the hallway.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I refuse to turn around. I continue walking to the stairs when I hear his feet running up behind me. I'm hyperventilating at this point from the number of tears rolling down my face. It felt like my whole body was convulsing. Why is this so hard for me?
I think it's mostly because I've never had someone I can truly depend on. Someone I can run to for advice, someone to cheer me up and someone who brings me so much joy. I never had the connection to my parents or any cousins when I was younger. I never thought I was going to be able to connect with a person as I didn't know how to. Then I found Ross and he made me feel something. I'm scared if he leaves and we do happen to break up down the road, then I will lose that. I don't like change.
I feel his hand grab onto my shoulder to turn me around. As soon as his eyes meet mine, I let out a loud sob. "I'm sorry," I cry.
"Come here." He whispers softly.
I shake my head and continue to back away. "I can't. This is too much. It's too hard." I cry, my hand covering my mouth. My words are muffled slightly by my hand, but I know if I move it away, it'll break down the small barrier I still have up.
His eyes fill with tears as I continue to back up until I can't anymore. My back is against the wall. I can hardly catch my breath. Fuck. "Baby, please. I need you. Come here." He begs.
Ross opens his hands out to me and I can't even stop myself from running into them. I bury my head into his neck, my loud cries echoing throughout the hallway. "I'm so selfish. I don't want you to leave," I cry.
His one hand holds my back as he presses me against him. The other hand is laying on the back of my head. My feet are dangling off the floor and he takes that opportunity to have me wrap my legs around his waist.
"I know. I don't want to leave you," he says back. I feel the tears continue to roll down my face as I tighten my arms and legs around him. Ross begins walking back to his apartment with me latched pathetically onto him like a baby koala.
I hear the door to his apartment close behind us as I continue crying into his neck. I definitely soaked his collarbone area and his t-shirt, but I can't stop these emotions. I know he's not moving across the country so I don't know why this hurts so much.
"I'm sorry," I cry again. I feel him place me down on the counter top and he slowly leans back so he can observe my face.
Ross observes my face as the tears continue to roll down my face. It's as if they can't stop. "Shh. Don't be sorry. I'm sorry."
"I just... I love you so much," I say as I cup both of his cheeks. His hands move to my face as well so he can wipe away the tears.
He nods. "I love you, baby."
The pit in my stomach doesn't seem to go away as I keep my legs tightened around his waist to keep him from moving away from me.
"I'm a mess," I whisper as if he didn't see any of my breakdown. His fingers continue to wipe away my tears, his lip forming into a small pout as well.
"I know, I am too. I want to spend this last hour with you, babe." He says. "Stay."
I nod. "I'm sorry I was trying to leave. I don't know, my body was in full flight mode," I explain. He nods in an understanding way as his hand wipes away any remnants of tears.
"I wish you could come down with us now. When can you finally take off work to visit me?" Ross asks.
The whole reason why I couldn't make the drive down with them was because they're only taking their cars and filling all of their apartments/house items inside of their cars so there isn't much space. Plus, I only found out about them leaving less than two weeks ago so I didn't even have time to take off. I have an afternoon shift today.
"I just need two weeks in advance to take off, that's it. Once you give me the okay, I'll be there," I reply, my hands dropping from his neck down onto his hands that are beside my thighs.
He leans up and kisses my cheek. "I will," he whispers. "My little baby," he murmurs.
"Don't tease," I say, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
Ross shakes his head. "Not teasing," he replies, his hand going into my hair. I lean my head down onto his shoulder, exhaling loudly. "Got it all out of your system?"
I nod. "I think so. I think I needed to really break down and get it all out, ya know?" I smile, leaning my head up to look at him.
He smiles. "Yeah, you booked it out of here like a bat out of hell," he responds. "You scared me."
I put my head back down. "I know, I was sad," I pout.
"I know, baby, I'm sad too. We can make it work, you know we can," he responds, leaning down and kissing me softly. I nod. "Can't get rid of me," he teases.
"Don't want to," I say softly. "Ever." I tighten my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me.
Ross laughs. "Keep me here locked in the space between your legs? Hell yeah, I'd love that."
I roll my eyes and glance around the empty apartment. It's absolutely crazy how different it looks with lack of furniture and memories. I glance back at Ross who is already staring at me. "What?" I ask.
"I thought you were going to cry again honestly," he admits, a small smile taking over his previous expression.
I shake my head. "I think I'm good," I reply. I loosen my legs so they are normal because I don't regularly exercise my legs so keeping them tightened for the past 10 minutes is absolutely killing me. "What else do you have to bring downstairs?"
"Well, you almost ran the hell out of here without your box of things so I would've had to chase you regardless. I think I have one more box to carry out with things that I had to use today like toothbrush, shower stuff, ya know."
I nod. "Sounds good. Are you tired? You probably could've slept for a little longer, I'm sorry I woke you."
"Stop apologizing for everything, babe." Ross pinches my thigh. "I was supposed to wake up at 8, anyway. I wanted to spend the last hour with you. I have to leave in 15 minutes to meet up with everyone," he says, his hand moving to trace my cheek.
His eyes move from his hand to my eyes, his eyebrows lifting slowly. "If you think I will cry again, I won't. Maybe once we are in the parking lot, but definitely not like that again."
"I don't find it annoying or stupid, Hayl. I actually love how much you care about me, you know? I don't like how you're crying, but that you're... affected by me leaving, I guess? I don't know if I sound like a complete moron, but I-"
I decide to cut him off before he starts to go down a little hole by trying another three ways to explain his thinking when I already understand what he's saying. I push my lips against him, his hand holding my cheek. His other hand moves to the small of my back, pushing me into him.
Before we kiss again, I mumble against his mouth. "I love you."
He kisses me hard, his lips constantly moving against mine. "I love you so much," he replies. His hands go to my hips and picks me up, beginning the walk to his bedroom.
Without any stumbles, we make it into the bedroom successfully. He lays me down on the bed, his body covering mine. His tongue pushes through my lips, kissing me with passion.
My hand is tangled into his hair, his hand on the back of my neck. My legs are still wrapped loosely around him. His mouth moves down to my neck, his hand under my chin to tilt it up so he can have easier access. His other hand easily pulls my tank top down, kissing further onto my chest.
He pushes my bra down, his mouth latching onto the delicate skin there. I feel him begin to suck onto the skin instead of kiss and we have never given each other hickeys before because we don't find the need for other's to have any acknowledgement of our sex life.
Ross pulls his mouth back with a 'pop' and tilts his head up to look at me. "Why?" I ask, laughing at his innocent expression.
"Wanted to mark you before I go," he replies, a smirk present on his smug face.
I laugh even harder. "Mark me like you're a dog trying to mark his territory by peeing on anything?" I question.
"I mean... totally did not try to pee on you," he says, leaning up and giving me another kiss.
Just as he goes to kiss me again, his phone rings out the annoying alarm. I frown into the kiss. "Noo," I whine once he pulls away. "I'm assuming that's your alarm to go?"
Ross nods. "Sadly." He sighs and leans down, burying his face into my neck.
I pout and put my hand onto the back of his head. "Okay, let's go before you're late," I sigh and lean up to slide out of the bed. "What are you doing with this bed?"
"I sold it to a buddy along with all of the other furniture because he's moving into his own apartment so he's going to come tomorrow and get it," he explains.
I nod, sliding off of the bed with Ross trailing behind me. "I'm doing one quick walk through to make sure you don't leave anything," I say then walk into the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, we were at his car. I can see it's packed to the absolute brim. I have my little box beside me on the floor. "I know if you cry, I'm going to cry," he admits.
I shake my head, trying my absolute hardest not to. "We got this, babe," I remind him. I lean up and kiss him softly then picking up my keys from the top of the box. I slide off his apartment key and place it into his hand where he slides it into his pocket with a frown on his face.
"What time do you work today?"
"3 so if you want to call me at any time throughout the trip if you're bored, you can," I say, my arms wrapping around his neck.
He nods. "Perfect. I love you," we say again.
I smile and lean up, pecking his lips. "I love you. Have a safe drive. Please, don't speed or be reckless. I want a FaceTime call whenever you get settled in, okay?"
Ross nods, his arms tightening around my waist. "Yes, I promise." He leans down and kisses me harder.
I smile and pull away, lifting up the box from the ground and tucking it under my arm. "Talk to you soon," I say, grabbing his hand and squeezing it.
"Bye, baby," he replies, squeezing it back then I pull my hand from his and walk down to my car. I put the box into my trunk then watch as his car peels out of the parking lot.
I smile sadly to myself then go to the front seat, opening the car and getting inside. A bouquet of roses, a teddy bear written with 'I miss you' and a little box sit neatly in the passenger seat.
With tears now falling down my face, I pick up the small box. Once I open it, it reveals a small heart locket. I pop it open to reveal the picture of Ross and I kissing at his graduation.
I put the necklace on then grab the teddy bear and roses. He definitely sprayed the bear with cologne which makes me only want to cry even more. I take a picture with them, pouting as the tears roll down my face and send the picture to Ross.
Hayley: I thought I was doing great on the not crying part!! I love you, thank you for this. You're the best. Never taking the necklace off and will forever sleep with the bear until I can cuddle you again xxx