How I loved watching her sleep. It wasn't often that she slept more than me but I knew she needed the rest so much. I rolled on the other side to grab my phone and faced Brooklyn again to be able to take a picture of her.
I couldn't help myself. I probably looked obsessed but she was just so beautiful. And I really was obsessed with her, let’s be honest. When I saw the time, I assessed my options and decided to act. I was in my underwear already so I didn’t even have to waste time in the closet.
I texted Linda to tell her that I wanted flowers for Brooklyn. I specified which size of bouquet I wished, the colors, the types of flowers and told her to take Brooke’s credit card to avoid losing time. At least she knew where to get it. I’d make a transfer later.
While she took care of that, I got out of bed quietly and made my way out of the room discreetly. I noticed that she was already shifting uncomfortably so I thought best to hurry the fuck up to leave her alone the less time possible. You know, just in case.
I opened the fridge and took at least half of its content to lay them all on the counter. It gave me a clear view of the range available and was easier for me to pick what she could want. I made her a little bowl of fromage blanc that I knew she loved a lot, put several sorts of fruits in another bowl, prepared her a hot green tea and, last but not least, chocolate chip cookies.
I was hungry too after all.
“Miss Lawson”, I heard Linda call behind me. I spun around and observed the flowers she was carrying attentively.
I needed it to click. If I didn’t feel like it was perfect, I wouldn’t even bother giving it to Brooke. She only deserved the best. I approached her and took the bouquet from her to scrutinize it. It was very beautiful. The colors were not aggressive, they were soft and pleasant to look at. I envisioned her holding it and this image itself convinced me that it was a good choice.
“Thank you, Linda”, I said kindly and tucked the flowers under my arm to be able to carry the tray at the same time.
I quickly made my way upstairs and peeked in the room. My baby girl was missing and the shower was running so I had to think of another way to create the surprise. I mean, she’d still be happy even if she didn't wake up to the flowers and breakfast tray. I set everything on the nightstand and took care of making the bed as neatly as possible before placing the tray and flowers in the middle of the mattress to create a cute setting.
I obviously took a picture for my Snapchat and added a nice caption for her to see later before lying back on the bed to wait for her. I would've joined her in the shower but I wanted to give her some space. Maybe she didn't voice it out but I knew she needed some alone time to think and let her brain create all kinds of crazy scenarios. And I respected that. So I busied myself with my phone and let her all the time she needed.
“What’s all that?”, Brooke asked in an astonished voice. I raised my head and automatically smiled at the sight of her.
Her wet hair was gathered on one side and her body was only covered with a towel which was very pleasant looking. I couldn't believe how oblivious she could be as to how beautiful she was. She was legit a walking goddess. Everything she did was so spectacular and breathtaking.
“Surprise”, I said enthusiastically as I put my phone down on the bed and sat up quickly. She walked towards the bed excitedly and came on my side in order to sit down next to my legs.
“Tay, it’s so beautiful”, she said softly and lay a hand on my thigh as her happy face took in the scene in front of her.
“How did you sleep?”, I asked in my nicest voice and placed my hand on top of hers to stroke her smooth skin. I needed to touch her and feel her.
“God, I love you so much”, she said as she spun her head to look at me and she cupped my cheek before bringing her lips on mine always so gently. “How did you sleep, baby?”, she asked as soon as she pulled away and let her thumb stroke my cheek tenderly.
Was that a joke? I'd just asked her the same damn question. Maybe she was just too lost in her brain.
“I love you too and I slept great”, I answered chuckling.
“What’s so funny?”, she asked confusedly and let go of my cheek to shift position. She decided to kneel down on the bed between my legs so I didn’t question it and let her get comfortable.
“It’s nothing”, I assured her with a slight shaking of head but I snorted and it made her frown frustratingly. She was so adorable.
“You’re making fun of me”, she said, not hiding her irritation.
“No, babe. I promise”, I said in my most genuine voice but I was clearly holding back from laughing which didn’t help my credibility at all.
“Can I just have my breakfast?”, she asked in a small voice. I caught her eyes looking at my body quickly which I found very cute. She always tried to be filthy and discreet but it never worked.
“Of course. Just go for it”, I said softly to show her it was okay to touch the tray.
“Great”, she mumbled.
Out of nowhere, her mouth was attacking my stomach as her hands grabbed the sides of my underwear eagerly. I was so taken aback by her action that I just burst out laughing.
“What are you doing?”, I asked between my giggles and she raised her head to look at me. Her face was displaying so much confusion that it was funny.
“You said yes”, she said in a small saddened tone that made my heart melt in adoration. I felt her grip loosening on my panties so I grabbed her hands and pulled hard to make her fall on top of me and have her pouting face right in front of mine.
“One, the door is open. And two, I don’t want to spill anything on the bed”, I said in a fake bratty voice and kept a straight face to try to make her believe I was serious.
Her expression turned so mad. She detached herself from me and stood up to walk hastily towards the door. She literally slammed it shut, locked it and went on the opposite side of the bed to move the tray and flowers to the nightstand.
“What’s your excuse now?”, she asked and climbed back on the bed to claim her previous kneeling position between my legs.
“You just showered”, I answered right away.
“Don’t care”, she shrugged nonchalantly.
“Since when?”, I asked blankly to push her further.
“Since I want to make love to you but you keep rejecting me”, she said unctuously and smiled tightly before frowning again.
“Come here”, I instructed in a low voice.
I activated my seduction eyes to lure her in and make her cave in. She raised an eyebrow condescendingly and did not move one bit though.
“Brooklyn”, I simply said huskily which was enough to make her groan frustratingly before she lay back on top of me. I knew her weaknesses.
“Why do you do this to me?”, she mumbled under her breath.
“You want your breakfast?”, I asked seductively to show her I was the one with the upper hand there.
“I don’t even know anymore”, she said in a disappointed voice and looked at me with her sad blue eyes.
“Maybe you need some convincing”, I whispered teasingly and reached behind my back to unclasp my bra.
I held her eyes fixed upon mine and squarely threw the bra away to assess her reaction. Her eyes immediately went south and she let out a loud whine as her face crashed against my chest with a whine which I found hilarious.
“Are you really into it or are you just playing with me?”, she asked in a muffled voice but I could hear her perfectly.
“Brooke, I want you”, I voiced out in a reassuring tone to be sure I wasn’t hurting her feelings.
Her face was back in front of mine again in no time but this time she was smiling so genuinely that my heart could barely handle it. I raised my hands to cup her face and bit my lip seductively before guiding her head to bring it closer to mine.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I really needed to kiss her. Her lips were just so addictive. Her eyes flickered up and down a couple of times as her face was getting close to mine so painfully slowly. I slightly raised my head to speed up the process up and…
My eyes opened out of nowhere as I gasped. I had to look around me to understand what was happening. When I saw her body plugged to all those tubes, the only wish I had was to fall asleep again and replay this moment. The real world was just too painful. I preferred my dreams. Brooke always appeared happy and lively in my dreams. She didn't get shot by her sociopathic ex-boyfriend while millions of eyes were stuck on her. Especially mine.
That scene would always be stuck in my head. It would sharp Brooklyn and I’s relationship forever. I knew for a fact that she wouldn't even be able to pee without me standing next to her from now on. It might seem excessive and completely insane but I'd almost lost her again and I couldn't live with that thought in my head. It was just so frightening.
I hadn't stopped crying for the last couple of weeks. I hadn't eaten anything, I'd barely drunk, and the only shower I took was to remove all the blood from my body. Other than that, I hadn't left her side. And I intended to stay in this hospital chair until I got her back.
If I got her back. I needed to have her back.
I stood up slowly and used my weak shaky legs to approach the bed without any hesitation. I took a look at the monitor to make sure everything was still normal. I didn’t notice any change compared to a few hours ago which was a good sign. The doctor said her vitals needed to stay like that.
I set my ass on the mattress and immediately reached for her hand to be able to kiss it lovingly. I really wanted to kiss her on the lips but I was scared. She could breathe without a tube now but I didn’t want to make her choke or suffocate. We never know. I preferred waiting a little and let her muster all her strength back.
“I miss you so so much”, I whispered against the skin of her hand and kissed it one more time before putting it back on the bed carefully.
I shifted a little to be able to bring my face closer to hers and I couldn’t stop the urge of cupping her cheek. I needed her touch. I needed to know she was still here with me but that she was just getting some rest to come back stronger.
“I won’t leave your side, okay? You just focus on healing and resting and I’ll take care of everything else. I’m gonna make sure you and I can live our best life together. I’m gonna find us the perfect beach house, just like you’ve always dreamed of. I know you always feel at peace around nature so I’ll make sure we have a huge garden with a nice barbecue and a giant swimming pool. I’ll give you the life you deserve. I promise.”
I observed her unmoving figure and thought that maybe I could take this risk. If I just dropped a super light kiss it wouldn't hurt her. Even grazing them would be enough for me. I simply wanted her to feel me, to know that I was here and that she was safe. Maybe that would give her more strength and motivation. Not that she lacked of them. She was the strongest person I knew.
I took a deep breath to relax and leaned extremely slowly to take the time to observe her face and stroke her cheek gently. When my lips were lingering right against hers, I closed my eyes and simply lay my lips carefully for a couple of seconds. I didn’t move them, I just created this little contact. I inhaled deeply through my nose to keep my composure but literally jumped away from her when the monitor beeped loudly. I immediately looked at it and noticed the heart line going higher and faster for a second and then it was back to normal.
“What the fuck, babe. Don’t scare me like that”, I whispered to myself.
“Knock knock”, a voice startled me so I spun my head and saw Laurence and my mother entering the room with several bags in their hands.
“Hey”, I simply said and approached them to give a quick hug to each of them before returning to my previous position on Brooklyn’s bed.
“Taylor, I brought you some clothes and toiletries. That way you can actually try to keep a healthy hygiene”, my mom said kindly and set the bag on my chair.
This was not a bad idea to be honest. We'd gotten a private room for Brooke with an ensuite bathroom so I should probably take advantage of it. If she woke up tomorrow and saw me looking like crap, she’d wonder why she was dating me. I needed to take care of myself because she would be heartbroken to see me neglecting myself. I wanted everything to be ready and perfect when she woke up. I wanted her to be welcomed like a legit queen and to be taken care of the best way possible.
“I have to make some phone calls, I’ll be back in a few”, Laurence announced in a low voice and kissed Brooklyn’s forehead before heading out of the room without any other spare glance.
“Has she decided what she wanted to do about Paris?”, I asked my mom.
“There’s a high chance she’ll cancel it. It’s only in a few days and no matter how things evolve with Brooklyn she won’t be able to leave the city any time soon”, my mother explained in her usual soothing tone.
“And I doubt people would feel safe attending the event anyway”, I added frankly.
“At the contrary, I think more people would show up to express their support but Laurence should focus on her daughter’s health. Her head is on too many fronts at the same time and she’ll explode if she doesn’t prioritize what really matters.”
“Do you have any news?”, I asked with apprehension. Considering her expression, I figured that the answer was yes. “What happened?”, I asked bluntly. She sighed deeply and glanced at Brooklyn before looking back at me.
“They caught him and shot him down”, she whispered softly.
I honestly didn’t care. No one deserved to die at such a young age, that’s for sure, but it was him or my baby. After what he did he would have spent his whole damn life in prison so might as well free some space. They were overcrowded anyway. And no, I was not being a bitch. I was just emotionally and physically drained and desperate. He had been a burden in Brooklyn’s life for too long, now she’d finally be able to sleep without a worry. And me too.
“How is she doing?”, my mother asked as her eyebrows frowned worriedly.
“It’s still the same”, I said shrugging and brought my attention back on my angel.
“I brought some food”, she said softly so I looked at her but didn’t react. I had no desire at all, I was numb. “If you want I can keep an eye on her while you take a quick shower and then we’ll eat something. We don’t even have to leave the room”, she offered nicely so I nodded in approbation and turned to Brooklyn.
Since I'd done it once, there would be no harm if I tried again. Right? I bent down to lay my lips on her cheek and moved them a little to drop a light kiss at the corner of her lips. I did the same as a few minutes before by simply laying my lips on hers chastly. And just like before, the monitor startled me and made me jolt up in fear. I looked at the screen irritatingly and just watched the green line going crazy for two seconds before going back to normal.
“She looks very responsive”, my mother said impressively.
My brain just snapped.
That was why her monitor got all excited. She knew it was me. She could feel me. I started crying like a fucking baby but I didn’t care. I was only focused on Brooke. I cupped her cheeks carefully and let the tears flow out as my insides were feeling some hope again.
“Baby”, I whispered under my breath and brushed her soft skin delicately as I was contemplating whether to give her another kiss or not.
Maybe that would confirm my thoughts. It would prove that she still reacted to my touch and recognized me and kind of missed me. Without any further hesitation, I lay my lips on hers more firmly than the previous times. The beeping sound became louder and even quicker than before.
I couldn’t help but laugh happily as more tears fell down my cheeks. She was here. She was actually here, reacting to my kisses, showing me that she was fighting and that this love we shared was so much more powerful than any shit that came our way. It proved me that no matter what, we’d be okay. We’d overcome this obstacle and we’d get through this whole mess because we had each other.
“I love you”, I whispered against her lips and when I heard the beep going even faster, I just started sobbing and let my face collapse against her chest as I kept on laughing and crying at the same time. I was so happy and relieved. But there was sadness and tiredness too.
I only wanted her by my side.
“Taylor”, my mother called above a whisper and lay a hand on my back. I lifted my body up to stop crushing my baby girl and spun my head to look at my mom. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up”, she said softly and grabbed my arm to help me get on my feet.
She took hold of the toiletries bag and walked me to the little bathroom as my sobs were still resonating in the whole room. I would have stopped them but I couldn’t. My emotions were taking the upper hand over any kind of rationality.
“Start taking your clothes off while I set the shower”, she instructed always so soothingly so I followed her orders and immediately removed my hoodie - which was actually Brooklyn’s.
“I want to find a house for us”, I announced in my hoarse crying voice.
“I thought you wanted to live in yours”, she said a bit questioningly but there was no judgment in her voice, it was only interest.
“But it doesn’t have the beach”, I retorted as I unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them down my legs.
“You’re at a five-minute drive from the beach, honey. I think it’s a pretty nice location for someone who wants both the beach and some intimacy.”
“And my garden is perfect for her”, I added in a low voice and took my underwear off quickly before stepping in the tiny shower.
My mom had already turned the water on and several products were set in front of me. I closed my eyes and released a huge breath that I didn’t even know I was holding. The hot water felt extremely relaxing.
“I can help with the move if you need me to. I don’t know how long we’ll need to stay in Milan but I can totally take care of it remotely”, my mom offered which truly warmed my heart.
“That would be amazing. Thank you so much”, I answered sincerely and poured a good amount of shampoo on my hand to start scrubbing my greasy hair.
I didn't know how I'd managed to hold that long to be honest. I guess one forgets about all the rest when such a tragedy touches them.
“Do you think Linda will come with you to L.A?”, she asked blankly.
“I don’t know, Mom”, I slurred and submerged myself under the water to kind of cut the conversation short.
I was only thinking about Brooke to be honest. It wouldn't be long until she woke up so I decided I would always be clean and smell good. Brooklyn relied a lot on my perfume and it always comforted her. I’d make sure my smell lingered around her to show her subconscious that she was in a safe place.
When I stepped out of the shower after four shampoos, two balms and five body soaps, I applied my usual oil on my whole body to make my skin smooth and hydrated. I got dressed and proceeded with my disaster of a face to make it more presentable. I didn’t need to be ready for a gala but at least to be decent to look at. Brooklyn would have never allowed my face to turn that bad.
But the truth is, it would have never turned that bad because she wouldn’t have been in that situation so I wouldn’t have cried so much and stuff. Anyway, time to make my baby girl proud now. The next step was to brush my teeth and then my hair that I left to air dry. I gathered all my belongings and put everything away in the bag before walking back in the bedroom.
Laurence was back with a nurse who was doing god knows what with my girlfriend’s tubes.
“What are you doing?”, I asked a bit harshly and approached the bed hastily.
“It’s just a regular check up, don’t worry. Apparently she’s doing much better than this morning”, Laurence answered with a smile on her lips which made me smile in return. I was so relieved to hear such good news.
“Her vitals are very promising. She should have a quiet awakening”, the nurse said in her thick accent but I understood everything very well. Perfectly well even.
“Do you have an idea of when she might wake up?”, Laurence asked in a low voice.
“Considering the time lapse it shouldn’t take more than a couple of days”, she answered in a soothing and reassuring tone.
My instinct was to cover my mouth to hide my smile, although my hand was probably too small for the amount of joy I was feeling. My heart was beating so fast, my stomach was being pulled on every part and tingles of excitement were traveling my body. It was almost surreal to imagine Brooklyn waking up soon but it was the only thing I wanted. Just knowing that she might wake up in a few days was bringing back so much light inside me. I could actually feel something other than pain and despair.
“And after that?”, Laurence asked softly.
“We will need to keep her in observation but the duration will depend on her recovery”, the nurse explained nicely.
“Just make sure she isn’t prescribed any pills or hard drugs, okay?”, Laurence said in a firm tone that left no place to discussion. At least she'd learned from her lessons.
“We can totally try homeopathy then. It is an alternative method that is very soft and contains tiny doses. We can start with that and see how she reacts to these medicines.”
“Is she going to feel pain at all?”, I asked worriedly and let my eyes observed this angelic face.
“Normally yes but mainly around the point of impact. The most important will be to soothe that pain and to control her stitches to make sure she gets a clean scar”, the nurse explained while manipulating her tubes and plastic bags.
“And when will be a good time to fly back to the States?”, Laurence asked and grabbed Brooklyn’s hand to stroke her skin tenderly.
Her therapist would be so happy to see that. Speaking of whom, I should probably start checking my phone to see if anyone important had asked news about Brooke. I spun around and approached the little table under the TV where my phone was set. I sat down, took hold of the device and unlocked it to start my mission. I started with my text messages and in the list was obviously the doctor who had texted two weeks ago.
Dr D. - I just saw the news, is everything okay???
Dr D. - Taylor, I know it’s not a good time but I need to know how she’s doing
Dr D. - Please
Me - She isn’t awake yet but her vitals are very promising.
What I did not expect at all but pulled on my heart was to see my sister’s name. After everything that had happened, she'd still reached out.
Jo - Hey, T. Just wanted to send you all my love. Brooke is a strong girl and she’ll make it bc she has the most amazing person by her side. Keep hoping and don’t give up. Love ya.
Me - xxx
I didn’t know what else to say for now. This answer alone showed that I got the message, that I appreciated the gesture and that I thanked her for her support. And I knew she would get that.
Next step: Messenger. I just scrolled to read the names and didn’t actually open the messages because there were too many. I’d just post something on Twitter or Instagram as a general message. I scrolled back up to the top of the list and I froze at one name that I hadn’t seen before. Lisa Fieldman.
Lisa Fieldman - Call me asap. I’m worried af. Idk what’s happening. I just heard about Justin and I’m in deep shit. I really need help, Taylor. I need to know my best friend is okay.
Me - She should wake up in a couple of days. You have problems?
She read the message right away and started typing which proved me that she must have been glued to her phone waiting for an answer.
Lisa Fieldman - He is dead…
Lisa Fieldman - The man I love is dead and almost killed my best friend
Lisa Fieldman - And I don’t know which one destroys me the most
Me - Look, I really wanna be nice and all but I have other things to do than playing counselors rn
Lisa Fieldman - Taylor, I’m pregnant.
“Holy shit!”, I shouted in horror and raised my head, only to find three pairs of eyes fixed upon me.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?”, my mother asked worriedly.
“Lisa’s pregnant”, I announced mindlessly and I noticed Laurence’s face going into pure shock. “With Justin”, I added to clarify the situation and her eyes opened so big that it was almost funny to look at.
I couldn’t answer to Lisa’s text. I mean, what was I supposed to say? I couldn't congratulate her but I couldn't insult her either. And I could certainly not help her with that. It was neither my job nor my desire. We weren't even friends to begin with and she was lucky to still be a walking woman after what she'd pulled at my baby girl. I focused my attention back on my phone and left the conversation to leave me some time to at least digest the news.
I opened Twitter and got inundated with people mentioning me to send me love messages, to send Brooklyn their support and to post pictures and videos of us. I was trying to like the maximum tweets I could to show everyone that I was reading them and that their support meant a lot to me. And while doing so, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to make a sort of public statement to thank everyone and give them some news about my girlfriend. I knew people were worried and asking questions about her health. So I opened my notes app to get more space and started typing.
The first thing I want to do is address a massive thank you to all of you, from all parts of the world, who’ve been reaching out and spreading so much love in support of Brooklyn. I am aware of the brutality of what occurred and of the shock it must have caused. I am deeply sorry that you had to witness such a terrible scene. Just remember that Brooke is the strongest person I know and she keeps fighting like a warrior to come back healthy. Her mother and I have been staying by her side for the last couple of weeks. It’s been very hard for both of us but we’re not giving up on her. Because we love her. I love her. And I miss her to such an extent that even breathing seems impossible. I just can’t wait for her smile to light my world again.
I ignored the few tears that were rolling down my face and saved the memo before taking a screenshot that I reframed right away. I opened Instagram and instead of posting only this picture of my message, I added some pictures of Brooklyn and I.
The first one I selected had actually been taken by herself. It was obvious on the picture that we were both naked but it wasn’t vulgar. The picture was our reflexion in the mirror. Brooke was seated at the edge of the bed and I was straddling her, wearing only a black thong. My face was completely buried in her neck, hers was partially hidden by the phone and my body was covering hers. Technically only my back and ass were visible. Which I did not mind. This photo was pure art.
The second one was so beautiful. It was in bed again but we could only see our heads and collarbones so no one would know about our state of clothing. My face was against Brooklyn’s, I had my grinning mouth attached to her cheek as her laughing face was displaying so much joy and spontaneity. She looked free in that shot. Her face was raw and natural, and her smile was so genuine that it was moving. She simply looked happy and fulfilled.
The next and last one was from that photoshoot we had for Cosmo and we were actually kissing on the picture. Brooklyn was holding my waist with one hand and the side of my neck with the other while my two hands were cupping her cheeks. I loved the simplicity of this shot. There was nothing extravagant but just the way our bodies were interacting conveyed so much passion and lust that it was almost overwhelming.
As for the caption, I only added a ring and the blue heart because she found it pretty. I double checked everything and just posted. I went on Twitter to duplicate it and then added the exact same content to my Snapchat story. Same universal message. At least I wasn’t acting like an ungrateful brat and when Brooke woke up she’d be able to see that everybody was behind her and that I'd never left her side.
“Well, it all looks very promising. However it’s getting late so I’m going to have to ask you to leave soon. We already digressed from the hospital’s visitation hours”, the nurse said a bit apologetically.
“We understand, don’t worry. We’ll come back tomorrow morning”, Laurence told her reassuringly.
“Honey”, my mom called in a hushed tone so I raised my head to look at her as she squatted down in front of me. “You eat your dinner and you try to get some sleep, okay? And if you need anything, I’m just one call away”, she whispered soothingly.
“Okay”, I simply said and nodded to give her some peace.
The three women left the room quietly and I found myself alone with my unconscious baby girl once again. But this time I was hopeful. The nurse’s words were stuck in my head and I had this bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got up to go check if they were really gone and I closed the door again before approaching the bed excitedly.
There was no way I was sleeping in the chair tonight. Now that I knew how responsive she was to my touch, I wanted to make sure she could rest peacefully. Maybe that would help her gather more strength. So I climbed on the bed, laid on my side to avoid crushing her and carefully wrapped my arm around her chest.
“Baby, did you hear that? We’ll be together again very soon. I’ll finally be able to see your beautiful eyes and to hear your voice. I love you so much and I can’t wait to have you in my arms again”, I whispered against her ear.
I shifted my head a little and squarely lay my lips on hers to give her a goodnight kiss. After hearing the monitor go off, I put my head down next to hers and closed to my eyes to enjoy her proximity.
I couldn't wait to have my Brooklyn back.