How It Ends- DeVotchKa
And in your heart- you know it to be true; you know what you got to do. They all depend on you. And you already know. Yeah, you already know how this will end.
-
I sit at the steps with a coffee mug in place of both of my hands. My fingers tap steadily at the side. It's been nearly an hour, and my anxiety continues to grow and grow. The coffee is growing colder because I'm too busy staring at the door, hoping he walks in at any moment.
So much has happened in the last few hours, I begin to worry that this is all a dream. I'm going to wake up next to Jake, and he will have to fight Ledger again. And this time, he may lose. I want to leave the house in search of him, but Martinez's men surround it. Hopefully, my mother won't notice when she gets home.
My phone rings off on my lap, and I turn the phone on it's back to see the screen.
Alice: Have faith.
What does that even mean, and why is she texting me? I should of went after him; demanding what the problem was. Everything's falling apart before my eyes, and before I can react any further; I receive another text.
Alice: I need you to think clearly.
Before I can dissect any further of Alice's weird messages, my doorknob begins to shake, and I panic at the thought of it being anyone else except Jake, but by the stumble of their feet, I know it's him.
"Oh my god." I sigh out in relief, placing my coffee mug on one of the steps, and walk right up to Jake. His head hangs low, but that doesn't stop me from encircling my arms around his torso. He squeezes me back, and I revel in the heat. "Is everything okay with, Andrew?" I ask.
"I don't know." He mumbles in my neck.
"Well, what happened?" I laugh.
"Because I didn't see Andrew."
I knew Jake was lying, and he knew as well. "So who'd you see?" Slight anger fills my voice, but I'm also afraid of the truth. He has no reason to lie to me now.
"Serena." He doesn't miss a beat.
I pull back from the embrace, and my eyes try to connect with his, but they're covered once again. "What?" Confusion lacing through my brows.
"You heard me." His voice is soft.
I try to snatch his glasses, but he steps back. I don't need him to take them off; his tears are already falling across his cheeks.
"You're lying," I call him out. After all the hardships we've gone through, he lies to me again and again, but what's the reason for it this time.
"I'm not." His voice quiet once more. His feet are backing up to give us space.
"You are." I feel the water form in my eyes, but it's out of anger this time around. What isn't he telling me?
"Jake-"
"It's not over." He says.
"What do you-"
"It's not over." He voices much louder, and he clears his throat before saying again, "It's not over."
It's not over.
It's over.
It's not over.
The game we've been playing since the beginning of our relationship isn't over. Something happened. And it wasn't stupid Serena or Lauren this time around. Something more sinister is at play. This is at least what I hope it to mean. The riddles we've written for ourselves are hard to decipher. I'm going to go mad if I'm not right at my assumptions.
"Why?"
"You were right all along." He scratches the back of his neck, and it's hard for me to know what he's talking about. He's talking cryptically, and the only reason for that is someone is watching, or worse, listening.
I think back to the conversation we had. I had doubts about everything being settled. And my suspicions were valid now, considering the circumstances.
"I told you. I told you it would, and yet you didn't feel like telling me everything." My word choices will confuse the person who's listening in, and I hope they don't catch us that I know the truth.
"I didn't know. Okay. She was my first."
Even though he's lying, it hurts to hear the words come out of from his mouth.
"And I was going to be your last."
"Dawn-" He reaches out for me, but I pull back.
This has to be good. Pretending was easy, but acting as if this was real was even harder. I cross my arms tighter. I hope this isn't real.
"It had to be like this." He says, and I know it means much deeper.
"So you'll leave me for her?"
"I have no other choice. She has my heart. She always has." His tears stream harsher, and I know it's not because of what he is saying, but because this is the only way.
"Don't say that to me." I cover my hands with my face, not knowing how to feel or what else to say. Where are we at this moment? Are we actually breaking up, or is this the show? Maybe it's both, and I feel myself lose control of emotions. Our whole relationship has thrown me into a spiral of emotions, and I'm second guessing myself every second that a tear drops from my face.
Jake grasps me, and I let him this time. Letting him sway me back and forth. He pulls back from me, both of his hands grasping mine, and swinging them back and forth much slower. He slips something in one of my hands, and I let my composure fall slightly. He shakes his head at me. He doesn't let go of my eyes, but he grabs my other hand and lets his index trace along my palm. I look down at our hands.
He traces two letters.
JC.
Now I know the truth. I'm not so crazy after all, but is the truth better than the lie? "I'm sorry it had to be like this." He says.
He kisses my forehead, my eyes closing in longing, and before I can react any longer, Jake bolts to the front door.
I wait until his car pulls out before rushing upstairs and locking my door. I don't have time to sob. I have questions, many questions.
I open the paper he gave me, the letters wrinkled by Jake, but I don't care. His words are all that matters at this moment.
Dawn,
JC has me over his head. Alice and Casper's are in danger, and if we are together, he won't allow us together. I guess you were right all along, but Ledger's death had to become a reality. Now I only fear that it was a mistake. We can no longer be together, not because I don't want to be with you, but because I can't be with you. He has my phone tapped, and that's why I didn't flat out say it. Now I sit here in traffic thinking about the decision of almost being happy. You're right there.
Was this always the plan? Our destiny? Are we not meant to be? Why is this happening? Why does everyone else in the world get what they want in life, but I can't. I can't have you.
I prayed for the first time last night. Hadn't done it ages- since my parents passing. I prayed that I'd survive, that everything would be okay. I thought since I'm putting faith in God, maybe he will put his trust in me to take care of you. Was I an idiot.
But then I remember how you looked at me the night before. Your eyes filled with it; your whole essence is pushing me forward that this isn't the end of us. I won't let JC or anyone tear us apart because he has the men behind them. We may not speak every day, lie together at night, or even share the same air in the next few weeks, but I'll make it happen. I will see you again. Not just at school in passing, but in a way where you know that I only see you, that makes your heart speed up and your mouth forming into a smile.
I love you.
You told me you wanted to write me letters, well here I am now. I left my notebook that you bought me in San Fran under your bed. Read at your own risk of my slightly cheesy words.
Love, from your asshole
I can barely read the last word as my eyes have welled up into tears. This is our ultimate ending. He says this isn't, but it won't be the same. Everything will be hidden.
Every touch, every kiss- it won't be the same.
My arm immediately rummages around under my bed until I feel a notebook between my hands. The edges are worn.
I pull it out quickly; my back is lying against the side of my bed. I'm breathless but impatient to read more from Jake. To get to know him more and more from each page. I calm myself down before I start the read. I don't need to have watermarks everywhere.
Dawn, 1-3-19
So you told me to write to you. It's funny; I haven't written in a while. Not how I use to. Where my words become more than just commotion, and they are phrases that mean more than filling the air.
I hope you wear the necklace long and proud. It looks so good on your perfect tits. Sorry, can't help it sometimes.
Sometimes I just want to bite your cheek - all four of them.
Dawn, 1-12-19
Fucking you isn't always easy.
Don't get mad, love, but it's hard to control myself when I'm around you. And I'm afraid I hurt you more than physically. I don't know what's going on in your head sometimes.
It's funny really, I feel like you know me best in the world, and I never tell you everything that's in my thoughts. Like how when I fucked you in the car. I wanted us to stay there forever. I could live in the car with you in the middle of nowhere, and I'd still be happy, and you would have been too. Or better yet, we run away. We had a few days of clothes; we could have driven anywhere without a worry in the world. I'm sure you've thought about it too.
Gotta go. You've just awakened from a nap, and you're looking at again with those eyes. God, I'm glad you've gotten on birth control.
Dawn, 1-21-19
It's your birthday in a few days. I have everything planned, and I hope you don't kill me when you find out what your birthday contains.
You know what baby, you are the biggest hypocrite. You nearly broke up with me because I didn't tell you about my birthday. Reason being, I don't care to celebrate, and yet you hate to celebrate yours as well. It's mostly because you hate the attention, but hey, it's either to celebrate you or to celebrate the last day we can be happy in peace with no stress or worry.
Happy birthday.
Love, Jake
Dawn, 1-26-19
Today's the day. My ending, or maybe it's our beginning. I don't know yet. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing you, whether that's physically or emotionally- I don't know what's worse really.
I thought about it, you know. Death. I know you already are aware of it, but it's been eating away at me every day. And only you can ease my mind. I could end it, and Ledger could not lay a finger on you.
Ride my car into a river. Take every medication that's in my cabinet. Drown myself, and it wouldn't hurt as much as the thought of you being touched in a way you didn't like.
But I guess that would mean you'd be alone with your thoughts. Maybe we can meet in another life.
There I go with the dark thoughts, but it's hard to think about the good ones when I think about what I've put you through. My words have hurt you on accident and purposely so many times. Why do you love me? These are the questions that I ask, but I guess only you know the answer, love, and you've answered them multiple times. I still can't believe you see me in that way. I'm nothing special.
Self-deprecation at its finest. For the life of me, writings kind of fun. It's like writing down everything that I feel, and things I never thought I'd ever think about either.
I thought these letters would be sweet, maybe even cheesy, but they hurt. I hope they don't hurt you.
I hope I win, but I have a plan that you aren't going to like. Ledger will die tonight, whether I win or lose- maybe even die along with him. Love wins all right?
There's the cheesiness.
I love you.
Love, Jake.
I throw the notebook across the room, looking up at my ceiling and screaming the loudest I can muster, not caring who heard.
God hates me. He has to. Why have someone love me so much, and yet there are so many obstacles between us.
That night I don't sleep at all. I can't. Not without him. I've grown so used to sleeping with him, that I will never revert to my slumber. I loved sleeping, and now I cannot find it, and maybe I never will.
-
Two weeks later
I've gotten static noise until today.
"Dawn, can we talk?" I jump out of my seat when Reese appears next to me.
Jake has moved to the front of the class; his lie being his vision is going bad. I now sit next to Reese.
"What's up." My voice shakes. What is there to talk about.
Her eyes hold sympathy, as her hand lies flat on the table. She slides it across the surface and lifts her hand. A small, folded up paper is lying flat.
I try to remember back when Reese walked into class today. Jake and she passed each other, but I don't recollect if they made any contact.
I look to her, and she just shrugs, sitting against her new seat.
I pick up the paper, my eyes staring at the back of Jake's head that hangs low.
From one glance, I can tell it's Jake's handwriting.
Dawn,
Once every two weeks, Reese has agreed that we are to meet at her house while her parents are at work. We get one hour together. See you than sunshine.
Jake
I look over to Reese's eyes, and she smiles to me.
"Don't worry." She says, "I won't tell." She looks ahead at the board.
She knows the problem that Jake and I have to endure, and I thank her for it. If this is how many contacts I get from Jake until we figure out what to do about JC, then so be it.
Jake hasn't given up on us, and neither have will I.
So when Reese and I leave together, I walk a bit faster than she does. Not knowing exactly where she lives still, but I don't care. I get to see him again, feel him again. Touch him again. Every two weeks, until we end the cycle of destruction-- until we end JC.
Who knows, maybe I'll pull the trigger this time.
When we reach Reese's house, she leads me to the same spare room as of before, where everything plays back in my head-- Jake's wounds on his back. My sobs fill from that day fill my mind, but I'd rather be here than anywhere else.
I can barely hear Reese's words when she says, "He's dropping his phone off with his brother, something about being less suspicious. I don't really know." She's confused I can tell, but it's better the less she knew.
"Thank you," Is all I can say. My legs shake erratically on the hard wooden floor as I sit on the bed.
"He's going to be here." She assures me. Reese looks at me one last time before exiting the room.
How did I get here? To this point, where life doesn't feel as satisfying as I hoped it was. I thought when you found love, everything would fall into place, but instead, it's filled with hardships and anger, jealousy, mistakes, fights- things I didn't think I'd ever had to endure when I was wondering when I'd meet the love of my life.
But instead I met someone who consumed me, and the consequences of that was a cruel man with a brother who dares to try to break Jake and me apart. I guess it's easier said than done.
I love him, and he loves me- and there's nothing that could change that.
So when I hear the footsteps come up the stairs to break my thoughts, I know it's him. The hesitation is evident within his steps.
He dares to knock on the door, and I spring at my feet. Letting my legs guide me to their will. One hour. That's all I'll get.
My legs are slow but steady as I reach the doorknob. My fingers are twisting the door open before I can register what I'm even doing.
There he is-- standing there with his eyes so visible and raw. His mouth is breathless.
His body looks much better than before, though there's a blemish on his cheek, that doesn't worry me as much as his eye bags. Lack of sleep always being the culprit, and now I understand a little more of his hardships of finding sleep. His hands reach for my face, so gentle, afraid to break me.
My body molds into his, and we don't wait for a second to connect our lips. I pull him into the room, and I hear the back of his foot, shutting the door.
-
A/N: Omg guys the ending is finally here. I am so happy and sadden by this. I've been on an entire rollercoaster with these characters, and I love them so fucking much. Dawn and Jake are babies. I'm not too sad though because there is a SEQUEL. I'm starting the process of outlining, and writing a bit of the prologue. So far it's good, and I'm excited to start writing. The sequel will not be out for a while. I hope to start updating in July when I have everything settled in, and when I have a clear plot and an ending. I need a little break. I haven't had one for over three years lol.
Guys, you have no idea how may endings I had for Benefits. Some of them were OVER THE TOP, some of the original endings were repetitive from other stories. I'm so glad about this ending. I know that some of you are probably upset with me, but hey, this isn't the ending of their story. Thank you for being patient, and supporting through these past years, or for only a few months. For the people who comment so often, I thank you guys the most. I consider you guys my friends. Thank you for the praise, and for anyone who has recommended my book to anyone. Thank you to everyone who didn't give up on this book because there were times where I hated myself so much, that I didn't think I was good at writing, but you guys have given me loads of confidence. Thank you for the votes as well.
Please comment down below any questions you may have for me about Benefits, the characters, the sequel-- anything really. I'm either going to make a q/a video or just copy them onto another part. Keep this in your library as I will be making announcements, and if you want more updates you are more than welcome to follow me as well to get notifications. Thank you for everything, and I love you guys 3000. (I'm annoying lol). Self-depreciation at it's finest teehee.
Also, the title of the sequel is....................
Lovers.