"I'm slowly drifting to you (you)."
My Tears are Becoming a Sea- M83
TW: talks of rape and severe violence
--
Anxiety. That's what I'm feeling right now. I can barely hold any of the oatmeal down this morning, but I swallow as much as I can with the coffee. I didn't get much sleep last night. One reason being, well, Jake, but I couldn't sleep either.
This is the day where everything changes. If Jake fails- then I'm Ledger's. There's nothing I can do to prevent this ultimatum. And if Jake does defeat Ledger, what's next? Does Jake become the leader? Is he able to leave? So many questions that no one will answer me. I'm afraid of the truth- I'm afraid of our ending.
"You okay?" My mother asks me as she sips her tea.
"Yeah." I clear my throat, "Just started that time of the month this morning." I lie.
She nods her head in understanding.
"Have you ever thought about dying?"
Jake asked me that last night, and I still don't exactly know what he meant? Does he mean his possible death after his demise, or something more sinister?
Death. It's something I've thought about multiple times in my life, but it's too dark to ponder now. There's much going on for me to even think about death. Suicide. Something that's not an option. My father would win if it were. Ledger would win- everyone would be right, and that the sick are helpless beings, and the only way to end their misery is to off themselves.
And Jake has thought of these thoughts. I know he has. The way he spoke those words of dying, it felt so familiar. I thought of dying- thought of ending things for me. If he didn't exist any longer, I would have no ties to the Underground. It's not that simple. Without him, life would be meaningless. And I know that's not healthy to say or to believe, but his death would be my ending.
I feel it now. The anxiety that fills my veins, entering my mind and makes me feel insane; like I'm a buzzer on a game show, and it continues to be pressed over and over again. I know he feels it too. He just doesn't want to say anything because it may overshadow my problems. His problems are my problems as well. But no, that's not Jake. He is the polar opposite of me. He's selfless, and I've come to realize that he only cares for me. I only care for him as well, but I guess in my eyes it's selfish to think of one person, but in his, he puts my needs before his. He's doing it now, fighting a fight that he might not know he will win.
"I'm hanging out with Alice after school. Won't be back until late." If I come back home, that is. I try to relax myself by clicking my fingers and breathing slowly.
"Is something else going on? Are you and Jake okay?" The concern is now filling her voice, and I snap my eyes at her. Her eyes now stare at my hands- she knows I'm anxious, but she's not sure of what.
"We're great," I answer. "I have to go."
"You didn't finish your oatmeal."
"Don't feel like eating," I say as I dump my food in the sink so the garbage disposal can eat away at the maple muck. "Alice is here anyway. She's picking me up."
"Oh, well, alright. What time will you be home?"
"Before you hopefully."
"I'll be out late tonight."
"Well, good." I walk over to her and begin to squeeze her waist. She's taken aback from the affections. We haven't hugged like this for what feels like in years. "I love you, mom." I don't know what will happen tonight. I may survive, but I'll come back home differently if things don't go our way. I'll be broken again, and the thought of falling into a spiral of depression causes my hands to form into fists; my short nails indenting my palms but not harsh enough to break the skin.
"I love you too, dear." My mother says back. When she pulls back, I can tell she's worried from her eyes alone, but she leaves me be.
I head out the door shortly after, and I expected Alice to be outside, but instead, I'm met with Jake's car. He's leaning against it like always. Even after being with him multiples times- holding his hand, kissing his lips, I still find it hard to look at him without feeling like I'm falling, my heart speeding up every moment my eyes ever meeting his. But his eyes aren't visible. Of course, they aren't, but each moment, his eyes aren't able to connect with mine, I yearn the intimate connection. It's like looking into his mind. What he's thinking, if he's feeling happy, sad, shy, scared, angry- he was always able to read when his eyes were visible.
His head his down, but he knows I'm nearby the perk of his ears, my footsteps lead me right directly in front of him.
I'm the first to speak, "I thought Alice was picking me up today." Ever since the Ledger situation, I'm not allowed to walk to school. School was only a few blocks away, but I didn't want to fight about it if it meant Jake was able to sleep better at night.
"Told her I would."
"I thought you were skipping class. Training with Martinez until the...." I trail off, not wanting to mention the duel at all. If I say it, then it's real. Realer than it already is, "thing," I muster out.
"He said he didn't want to tire me out beforehand. I'm going to warm up a few hours before the event, and then it will happen." He finally raises his head. I can't read on how he actually feels, but I can only guess his nerves are eating away at him by the second. The tap in his foot is the only sign of how he is feeling. "What's wrong."
"Nothing, why?"
He brings my hands forward, revealing my nervous habit is getting the best of me. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. It takes a few words to break me, and this is one of them. Mentioning my reason for my anxiousness; letting the reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to be emotional anymore; I don't want to cry away from the pain. I want to yell and scream at the world at the top of lungs, but I can't do either because I'll be deemed as being insane. So I become emotional, show my weakness to the world. It takes only two seconds until I'm in Jake's arms again.
"Dawn, stop crying." He begs me. "I don't like hearing you cry."
"I'm sorry." I croak out. My nose is running, and I pray to God no snot gets on his jacket.
"Don't be sorry, baby." He kisses the top of my head, and I sigh out in comfort.
"I-I just don't want you to die because of me," I admit.
He pulls away from me, his eyebrows in a scowl. "I'm not dying because of you. If I do die, I'm dying for you, and I'd gladly do it." He cups my cheeks in hands, grazing tears off my cheeks. "I'm not going to die, Dawn."
"Good because then I'd have to kill you."
He chuckles to me and kisses my nose in response. I close my eyes in content. "Let's get to school before class starts."
-
We drove straight to Martinez's after school ended. I couldn't even pay attention in class if I wanted to. Anxiety is following me everywhere I go, and there's no way I can stop it. I'll let my fingers click all day if I have to keep myself in check.
There are more men here today. A militia of some sorts and they will follow us to the Underground. Protection if you must. Jake has been telling me since the beginning that he has a plan. A shootout? A fight against each side? I have no idea for what's to come, but Jake is confident this won't be his ending, and if he that's the case, then Ledger's Underground will be over.
"We aren't going to Ledger's," Jake announces once he turns a corner.
"What do you mean?"
"Braydon's Underground."
I remember his mentioning of multiple Underground, but I didn't understand why we were going to his specific one.
"He's a third party onlooker. He's supposed to watch the fight, to make sure there's no cheating and no ambushing."
"That's good, right."
"Sure." Jake says, "it doesn't really matter."
"Why?" He stays silent afterward, "Jake? What's going on? What's the plan if everything goes to shit."
"All you need to know is stay close to Martinez. Don't leave his sight. I mean it." His voice harsh.
"Why won't you tell me?"
"Because you don't need to worry about it."
I scoff and look out the window. There's no need for that. I'm already extremely worried as it is. "Hey," Jake says, as his hand clasps around my mines. He encircled his fingers around my knuckles, "Look at me." I don't move, "Please." He begs, and this time, I do as he asks.
His glasses are off now, and I know he's not as hard as his voice is. He's scared shitless, and I know that he believes not telling me everything is for my own good. But I want to be mentally prepared for what's to come. "Everything's going to be okay." He says, but the emotions behind his voice don't convince me, but his lips do when they collide with mine. The worry, the stress, roll off me like tidal waves.
Kissing him is like leaving this world. There's nothing else to think about when all I can hear is our breath, the lips smacking, the moans coming from our mouths. I wish it were enough, but reality hits the window.
We jump in our car seats, and Jake looks to the see outside his door. Ronny. I've met him once before at the Underground, and now he's here as a reminder that everything is becoming real.
Jake looks back to me once more with a squeeze at my hand, "Let's go."
-
Jake P.O.V.
"Ready Dennings?" Ronny claps the back of my shoulder, accidentally pushing me away from Dawn. The only thing connecting her and I are our hands interlocked. I pull her to my side and slowly drift away from Ronny.
"Ready as I can be." We reach the entrance of Braydon's Underground and Ronny knocks the same knocks as last time. The two men from before open the door. Sly smiles pressed to their lips.
"Ready to die Dennings." The bald one sneers.
I roll my eyes under my glasses and pull Dawn even closer to me when I notice them linger their eyes to her. "Watch your eyes Tweedledee and Tweedledum," I mutter under my breath.
I'd say out of the two of us, I'm the clingier one, but Dawn can't get enough of my touch. Her lips reach my cheek for a quick peck, and I know she's beginning to panic. This is new territory for her, as it is for me.
"What's going to happen next?" Her mouth sounds like music in my ears, so light and cosmic, every fiber I can decipher from her voice.
I don't respond to her, but I pull us down a hall where Ronny leads us to. It's unfamiliar. This is there fighting headquarters I assume, and each door we passed the next, I knew there were stories behind each one. Down the great hall, we've been walking towards leads to an end. The large doorway lets us see the arena-- covered in fence and wire that engulfs the whole top of the boxed caged. So no one can leave or enter. Dawn's hand in mines begins to sweat, and I slide glance to see her eyes widening in fear at the unknown. I pull her as close to me as I can to make sure her eyes don't see him.
She hasn't seen the Ledger since the night of the beginning of our fall. I haven't seen him since the night of the duel compromise. I can sense he's here, I don't know where, but the smell of fear falls on everyone's shoulders, aside from Braydon who is sitting in his same chair that he was sitting at last time. They are probably able to move around as they please. Ledger was the complete opposite of Braydon. He lived in his cave where he tormented his victims, and yet Braydon was like a monarch in their piece.
They worshipped him, but at the same time, they didn't fear him as much as Ledger instilled it in us. I couldn't be afraid him anymore- I haven't been since the day of Alice's confess to what he did to her. I was only frightened when he had Dawn in his possession, and I'm glad Alice was able to get us out of there in time. If not- I don't think if I'd even be alive right now.
"Jake?" Dawn calls out to me, breaking me out of thoughts of suicide.
"Hm," I hum to her, my eyes falling towards her small height. She wraps her arms around me, and I reciprocate the same.
"What's going on in your head right now?" She asks.
"Nothing." I lie so that I won't worry her. Death has been on my mind more often than I ever wanted it to be- but it's not only my possible fall that I'm thinking about.
She's annoyed by my answer but doesn't say anything. She hugs me to her momentarily, before only connecting our hands. In a few moments, she and I will be separated. I'll start warming up, and the duel will begin. I'd rather her not even be here, but this revolves around her. I can only imagine what's going in her head.
Dawn P.O.V.
I can barely comprehend what's going around me, but Jake says something along the lines that he's going to be warming up with Martinez and that he'll come back to me right before that match. I nod my head in understanding, but I feel entirely numb, especially when I hear his laugh.
I've only heard it once, but the shrill sound is embedded in my brain, and I have to swallow the bile from coming up my mouth. I turn away from the noise and focus on Jake and Martinez, who are a few feet away. Jake's glasses are now off and tucked away in his shirt. His eyes focus in on my contracted face, but I let out a smile to relieve some stress from my forehead. Martinez clasps over Jake's shoulder to get him to pay attention and our eye contact breaks.
I hear Ledger's laugh again, and I can't help but let my eyes linger to his figure. I've only really looked at him once; I should at least know the monster's face before he takes what he wants.
There's the negativity again. He's not taking me. He won't take me. Jake has sworn to me multiple times that nothing will happen. Jake's lied before, why wouldn't he do it again? Stop. Stop, stop. Within my mental breakdown, Ledger's eyes connect with mine, and his wide evil smile spreads across his lips. He licks his bottom lip, and his hand travels down his neck to his chest, and down he goes. I snap my eyes away, disgusted at the way he takes my displeasure for enjoyment.
I would dwell in my discomfort, but in the corner of my eye, Alice appears from Martinez's group of men. I could tell she spots Ledger. Her arms sank, and I begin to feel sorry for her. He hasn't touched me-- well hasn't sexually touched me. But he has her... multiple times, and yet she's stronger than me. Or at least I think she is. She's always been the tough one in our friendship, and yet the way she falls back a few steps and her eyes begin to focus on the ground instead of forward makes me think otherwise. She isn't so put together as I thought.
We're all sort broken in a way. Abuse. Trauma. Rape. It's a pinwheel that spins around and around, and one day some poor soul will face something so dramatic that they don't think they'll survive.
I knock myself out of my thoughts and approach Alice from behind. I hesitantly reach my hand to her shoulder, and she jumps to where she stands. She turns to me, and I give her a sympathetic smile, and I mumble, "Sorry."
"It's fine." Her voice low, and she looks down at her feet for a second before looking past me. I can tell by the moisture of her eyes that she wants to cry, but she won't.
"Didn't think you'd be here," I admit.
"This might be my cousin's last day on earth or yours depending if Ledger takes what he wants." My stomach turns, and I'm the one this time to hold back tears, "if Jake loses, just know that Ledger isn't soft, and he isn't quick." I want to barf.
"But Jake's going to win, and if he doesn't- well there's the plan."
What plan?"
"They didn't tell me," she begins to zone out, and I know that feeling so well. The feeling of distress and loneliness. She's surrounded by people, but there is only one voice that she is listening to and it's inside her head. And I begin to realize that Alice and I aren't as different as it appears.
"Alice," I call to her, and she snaps her eyes to mine.
Moisture has been appearing around her eyes, but with one long blink, her tears disappear within her eyes. She shakes her head to herself, and she begins nodding her head to herself, "Stay close to Martinez." She says before walking back towards Casper.
I follow her, and it seems to me that Casper and Alice might be back together, or maybe they're leaning on each other now because that's all they can do.
"Hey."
I turn around towards the voice, and Marcus is in front of me. Quite bruised up, but is stable enough to stand.
"Hi." I pull back a piece of my hair behind my ear. I take a step backward, afraid of the closeness. I'm not afraid of him, but more so if Jake will see. He nearly beat the shit out of him last time I was that close to him. I haven't spoken to Marcus since that night. And for some reason, I feel terrible for how I left him.
I went to the hospital with Marcus, expecting to leave with him. Instead, I got back together with Jake and fucked him at my house. Wow, I'm a great person.
"So I can tell that you and Jake patched things up then?" Marcus looks down at my chest, where Jake's mother's ring hangs. I have yet to take it off since that night full of passion.
I don't know what to say, and Jake's immediate stare halts any words that I try to come up with. He's only a few feet away, but his eyes tell all that he's not happy that I'm conversing with Marcus.
"Are you listening to me, Dennings?" Martinez clasps his hand on Jake's shoulder. Jake snaps his glare back and listens more thoroughly.
"He still hates me, I assume." Marcus looks back to me.
"Can't blame him. I'd react the same." I admit, and it's only the truth.
"He's a romantic that's for sure." He jesters once more to my necklace.
"He doesn't like to think that, but I will agree with you." I bite a smile back from my thoughts of Jake.
"Baby," My eyes glance back towards where Jake was, but I feel him at my side; his hand is wrapped around my waist. He glares instantly at Marcus, but just nods his head at him, "Marcus." He mutters.
"Jake," Marcus mumbles back. His lips form into a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, but I can tell he means well, "Good luck tonight." He turns on his heel and marches back to Martinez's group.
"I feel bad for him," I say out loud as I watch Marcus get lost in the crowd.
"Why?" Jake scoffs with an eye roll.
I turn in his arms, my hands resting on his shoulders, "Mostly because I know I don't feel anything towards him. I used him for my own benefit."
His eyes break from a glare to sympathy. He kisses my forehead, letting his lips linger at the heat. My eyes close in content, and I pray this will not be the last time we embrace.
Jake P.O.V.
"Jake. It's time." Martinez breaks me out of my shell with Dawn. Her eyes hold worry, and I let myself get lost with her lips for a few seconds. Warmth and reassurance are all I can do for now.
When she pulls from me, her eyes begin to water, and I have to look away from her before I start crying like a little bitch in front of everyone. I lead her to Martinez, and she stays beside him. She may not leave his side, or I will not be able to focus during the match. I begin rewrapping more tape around my hands and wiping any remaining sweat I had from warming up with Martinez.
I can feel her eyes on me like a deer awaiting its predator, but I can't focus on her anymore expect the demon that mocks me. His laughs and anger roll off to me in tidal ways, and my eyes finally land to his. Braydon's people control the floor, and they allow me to enter the ring the same time as Ledger. This is it - no going back. No mistakes. I can't get lost in my anger because I'll black out and I don't know what I'll do. Usually, when I black out, I win, but I can't do it this time. Ledger can take advantage of that.
Sweats already bearing off his skin, and a smug smirk places at his lips. Braydon sits on the outskirts still, and he stands, but that doesn't stop Ledger from running his mouth, "Tell me how she feels? It will help me to victory much faster."
He's trying to bait me. To make me make a move first when the match begins. That's not happening.
"I'm glad you made the rule to not look at you. You look pretty beat." I quip.
"Just because you think you have looks doesn't mean you have the package. Don't worry, she'll be good and stretched once we're finished."
"Shut up." I'm losing it. Already.
"The match will begin in 5..." Braydon says suddenly, and I feel my palms sweat. My arms sit in front of my face, and I know that this is how it ends. "4, 3, 2, 1. BEGIN!"
Her eyes. They hold worry within them the whole time. Her lip is quivering when I make the first assault. I said I wouldn't, but when a piece of shit runs his mouth about touching the love of your life, you think that you can defeat the whole world.
He aims for my ribs, as a sadistic smile takes hold of his mouth. I'll admit, I've never fought someone so hard. His body is rigid, and barely moves when I swing at him. He blocks with ease, and once I begin to step forward, he trips me and begins pinning me down. This cannot end this quick.
This is the Underground; we don't fight fair.
I feel myself slowly lose air from my lungs, but I muster enough strength to grab is his foot, and dig my finger under his big toenail, and I begin to bend it up until I hear a tear. He screams bloody murder, and his hold on my neck relents, and I push forward and rip his whole big toenail off.
He groans out in pain, stumbling back. I choke out for air.
"So that's how we're playing Dennings?" Ledger seethes.
I lunge at him, before dipping back to block his hit, getting a chance to stomp on his bloody foot and twist it. He stumbles back and pulls me on top of him. A choke hold is around my neck once more. Before he tightens his grip, I jolt up, and it causes him to let go of me. I elbow him in the face, and I'm about to do it once more, except he grabs my arm and twists it. His other hand socks me in the face over and over, and I'm beginning to see double vision of Dawn. Her face is broken, and the furrow in her brows can show me how she feels helpless right now.
I catch his last hit, but he knees me in the back, and I fall to the ground, huffing for air. He doesn't give me a chance to stand, and he kicks my stomach over and over.
"Jake!" Her voice rings in my head.
Ledger suddenly stops, and a roar of laughter echos in the room. He's gloating, one of his worst qualities about him. He doesn't know when enough is enough. He begins walking around the arena with his arms raised, his eyes lingering to Dawn's.
I begin to sit up, but Ledger senses my attack, and I feel a force hit my face knocking my head against the ground. A white sound invades my head. His laughter sounds deeper now, and his eyes are no longer blue, but red. I hear whimpers in the crowd.
Get up, Dennings. Get up. Get the fuck up.
Dawn.
Dawn.
Dawn.
"Don't worry; I'll fuck her right. Do you want to see how to fuck a bitch properly." His voice is near me.
"Baby, it's okay." I hear Dawn say in the crowd. She wants me to give up.
"Looks like she wants it too. Tap out, or I might end up killing you."
"Never." I croak.
"Jake--" I hear her start.
"Suit yourself then," Ledger says. He stands once.
"Remember his movements. He's repetitive. He's predictable. A strong force, but you're stronger. Younger. Possibly faster."
He raises his foot once more to kick me, but I catch it in midair, twisting his ankle and pull as hard as I can. His weak foot stumbles him, and he's now on the ground.
Adrenaline pulsed my veins when he spoke words about my her. She's my bitch, and no one else's. In fact, she's not a bitch; she's a fucking goddess.
I stand up quickly. I'm off balanced, but I jump on him, my knee meeting his jaw repeatedly. My hands are twisting his wrists above his head. He struggles below me, but I let go of one of his hands and wrap my hand around his neck for a squeeze, before letting my fist meet with his jaw repeatedly, blood sputtering from his mouth. My knuckles begin to sting, but I can't possibly stop. He pushes my head back, his thumb encircling my eye, and I relent slightly. I raise my hands, and he knows as much I do. We are evenly matched, and one of us will fall now.
We both are opposite of each other.
The difference between Ledger and I is I won't ever give up.
At the corner of my eye, I see his hand grasp around his waist. A silver glare pierces my eyes.
He will cheat if he knows I could win.
He lunges at me, and fear flashes my eyes.
Shot.
Blood.
Fall.
Ledger lies on the floor with blood gushing out the middle of his forehead. Gasps are made in the crowd, and the lights turn off.
-
Mini A/N: 3 more chapters left babygirls, and I've already finished the book, so the updates will be quicker... Vote. Comment. Cry.