After dinner, I went to my bedroom. I needed to rest.
Walking down the corridor I noticed the open door to my parents' room. Out of curiosity, I stepped closer to hear their conversation.
"How long are you going to hide it?" my mother asked.
I was surprised. What did my father hide from me?
"You know that nothing will help me. You know I have little time left," my father said.
I swallowed. My father had cancer?
"We must tell her. She must be prepared for it."
"I know that we must tell her," I heard his groan of pain and gritted my teeth.
I didn't want my father to suffer.
"Pancreatic cancer is a verdict," he added, and I took hold of the wall not to fall.
I took a few steps towards my room, then dropped to the floor. I couldn't catch my breath, my body suffered a momentary paralysis.
My father had pancreatic cancer. He didn't tell me about it ...
I clenched my hand in a fist and bit it hard not to scream. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I barely crawled to my room. I immediately closed the door behind me and cried out loud, knowing that no one would hear me.
It was all unfair. Why my father? Was this a punishment for what he did to me ten years ago? What would I do now? What could I say about that? Should I talk to my mother and father?
I sat on the bed. I didn't fall asleep because of these stupid emotions.
In the morning I had a nap for a moment, but I was awakened by the sun's rays. I rubbed my eyes and stretched myself. I was sleepy and tired.
I sighed quietly and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I dipped my hair and put on shampoo. I started to massage my head.
I closed my eyes and murmured when FP appeared in my imagination. He came to me from the back and began to rinse my hair. Then slowly, gently washed all my body.
I knew it was just my imagination that he was not here, but I didn't want him to leave. I needed him so much, especially now, when I carry his child under my heart.
His lips began to kiss my neck, and my hands shifted to my hips. I bent under his caress and staggered. One of my hands went up to sink into his hair, and the other one leaned against the wall to keep my balance.
"I missed you" he murmured in my ear and I moaned.
"I missed you too," I said, catching my breath.
"Don't leave me," I asked miserably.
He smiled and, with one quick movement, took my chin with his hand. I looked into his eyes, turning to face him. I patted him gently on the cheek and kissed him on the lips.
After a moment I opened my eyes and breathed deeply. It's just your imagination, I kept telling myself...
I went to the dining room, where I found not only my parents but also a doctor and nurse. I looked at them and greeted them. I sat at the table.
"Why is the doctor here?" I asked and looked at my dad.
"Mr Brown comes to us every month for check-ups," my mother replied, and I nodded.
"Doctor, everything all right? " she turned to the doctor, her voice trembling.
"What can I say, Mrs Smith... "he said, and I opened my eyes wide.
I couldn't pretend I didn't know anything.
"Do you have cancer? "I asked and looked at my father.
I had to pretend that I hadn't heard their conversation yesterday.
"Maybe we'll talk about it later, Alice?" my mother looked at me and I snorted softly.
"How much time has he left?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound firm. In the middle, my heart suffered.
"Alice, save it for later," my father asked, and I raised my eyebrow surprised.
"I don't want to make scenes in front of your doctor, but dad ... Why did you hide from me?" I asked quietly, and tears appeared in my eyes.
"I think you can go now" my mother came up to the doctor and shook hands with him. The doctor and nurse nodded and left the house.
When we were alone, I got up from the table and started walking into the dining room.
"How many months have you left?"
"A few weeks" my father sighed quietly. I approached him and sat down beside him.
"Dad ... How long have you been fighting this?" I asked quietly and grabbed his hand. He was surprised by this gesture because he didn't know at the beginning what he should do.
"Six months" he answered and looked at me. "I never wanted you to see me suffer," he added. A tear ran down my cheek.
"Now I'm suffering even more," I whispered. "I don't want to lose you," I added in a trembling voice. "I don't want to lose you now when I'm pregnant," I whispered and stood up.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I put a hand on my chest and ran out of the house. I ran ahead, straight towards the forest, where I always hid when I was a little girl.
My father was dying of cancer, and I could not do anything about it.
~~~~~
I came home after a few hours. My parents were sitting in the living room. I looked at them and sighed heavily.
"Have you calmed down?" my mother asked, and I shook my head.
For a moment I felt like a little girl again. My parents knew that when something overwhelmed me, I ran to the forest to think about everything, and then I came back home. That's why they never looked for me because they knew I was safe.
"I'll go to bed," I whispered and went to my bedroom. I lay down on the bed and pulled the phone from the bedside table. I chose the number for Hermione.
"Hi, amiga," she said, and I smiled slightly.
"Hello, princess," I said and lay down on my back. I looked at the ceiling.
"How are you?" she shouted and I jumped. "I'm sorry, Veronica just splashed me with water," she added, and I laughed.
"Nothing has happened," I replied.
"So tell me..."
"My father is dying of cancer," I said quickly.
"Are you kidding?" Hermione asked, in a serious voice.
"I would like to ... But unfortunately, it's true," I replied with difficulty, refraining from crying.
"Should I come here?"
"Don't come especially for me," I replied.
I knew that Hermione was crazy. She was always crazy, but I didn't think she would want to come here. Such a friend is a real treasure.
"Amiga, you're important to me," she said, and I smiled. "I will come in the evening, I must be with you especially now, when ... When you are pregnant," she added.
"I will wait for you," I whispered.
"You have no other choice," she added, and I laughed.
"I love you," I said.
"I love myself too", she muttered, and I turned my eyes. All Hermione.
After a while, I called Hal. I didn't plan to tell him that my father had cancer, but I told him about it anyway.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, and I sighed quietly.
"I'm strong, I think so"
"You gave birth to our two daughters, you are very strong"
"Thanks, Hal. Can I talk to them?" I asked.
"Sure. Girls mommy is calling" he said and after a moment I heard my daughters voice. I smiled broadly when they started telling me that they are preparing for a school play.
"When will you come back to us?" Polly asked.
"Soon, honey. I will bring you presents!" I said with a smile.
"Cool!" Betty shouted. "We miss you"
"I miss you too. I love you"
"We love you more"
"I love you from here to the moon and back," I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks.
I threw the phone back on the bed and put my face on the pillow. I started to cry loudly to vent my emotions.
~~~~~
The sound of the piano woke me up in the middle of the night. I went out into the hall to check if my mother got up, but my parents' bedroom door was locked. Why did I only hear the piano sound?
I couldn't sleep because something inside told me to go and see who decided to arrange a concert in the middle of the night.
I stood in front of the mirror and dressed in a red, long dress. I put my hair in a ponytail and put red lipstick on my lips. I grabbed a candlestick and went to the living room, where I heard the piano. My dad, wearing a suit, sat at the piano and played Here Comes the Sun. I put the candlestick on the table and sat next to him.
"Why are you wearing a suit?"
"Why are you wearing a dress?" he asked and looked at me. I blushed.
"I wanted to look good for you"
"You always look good to me"
"Where's mom?"
"In the bedroom," he answered.
It was strange to me. The very awareness that I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went to the living room, where my father sat, terrified me.
My mother wasn't here. There was no one here except me and him. Was this 2happening, or was it a dream? A goodbye dream?
"Dad?" I asked quietly, and he started to play something in response.
"Have you watched a Star is Born?"
"Yes," I nodded.
"You don't know it yet, but people will hear about you," he stroked my cheek. "Then A Star is Born," he added, and I was moved by those words.
"Thank you" I whispered.
"Are we singing something? Probably the last time?" I looked at him.
"Do not say that!" I asked and stroked his cheek. "Dad"
"I don't have the strength to play," he whispered.
"I'll play for you," I said.
"We will play together" my dad touched my hand. "Together" he added and looked at me. I nodded.
"Tell me somethin ', girl are you happy in this modern world? Or do you need more? Is there somethin 'else you're searchin' for?" I didn't know that my dad knew this song. "I'm falling.
In all the good times I find myself Longin 'for change and in the bad times I fear myself"
"Tell me something, boy aren't you tired tryin 'to fill that void? Or do you need more? Isn't it hard keeping it so hardcore?" I started playing with my dad. "I'm falling in the bad times I find myself ...
"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in ... I'll never meet the ground. Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us. We're far from the shallow now ..."
I smiled when my dad joined me to sing the chorus with me.
"Shall we dance?" he asked, and I nodded. "I didn't have the opportunity to dance with you at your wedding and I probably won't have the opportunity to dance with you in the future," he added. These words hurt me badly. We went to the middle of the living room. I cuddled up to my dad, putting one hand on his shoulder and the other on his left hand.
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now
"Are you dead, dad?" I asked. I looked at his face. He was smiling at me. Then everything went black and...
I woke up in my bed... It was a dream. Only a dream.
~~~~~
I run to my parent's bedroom.
"Dad!" I shouted. My mother got up from bed surprised.
"Alice? What are you doing?"
"Where is dad?" I asked firmly. She looked at me.
She didn't answer me.
"WHERE HE IS?!" I shouted with tears in my eyes.
"They took him," she said and got out of bed.
"Who took him?" I asked quietly. Mother came to me.
"I called an ambulance last night ... He felt worse," she whispered and looked at me.
I felt weak. My legs have softened. Mom hugged me at the last moment.
"Why didn't you wake me up? Why?"
"I didn't want to worry you," she replied calmly. It pissed me off. How could she be so calm while her husband fought for his life?
"How can you talk about it with such calmness?" I moved away from her. I wiped tears from my eyes.
"Alice ..."
"No, mom! I know that you don't love him but it doesn't oblige you to not worry about him! You spent half of your life with this man," I shouted and grabbed my stomach. The pain was unbearable.
"What's happening?" my mother grabbed my shoulders. I looked at her and sat on the floor. I could not catch my breath.
"I have a panic attack" I just whispered, and then I lost control of my body. I do not know how long it lasted, but after all, I felt weak and tired. My heart was beating irregularly, and a rush of thoughts gathered in my head. bad thoughts.
"Take a deep breath and let the air out" my mother instructed me how to breathe. I nodded.
"I had a dream, my father played the piano, we sang a song together ... Mom, he's dead," I whispered, and my mother shook her head.
"That's not true, Alice, your dad is alive"
After a moment, we heard the sound of my mother's cell phone. I looked at her terrified, and fresh tears ran down my cheeks. I knew what this telephone meant.
My mother took it in her hand. There was silence. I waited patiently for my mother to finish talking. When she sat on the bed and put her face in her hands, I knew what it meant.
I cried loudly. I spent too little time with him. I should have visited them more often. Maybe my father was not an exemplary parent, but I knew that he loved me in his way.
"We must go to say goodbye to him," my mother said finally. I looked at her and swallowed.
I felt hatred for her. She knew about my father's illness and she didn't tell me anything. If she didn't love him, she did not treat him as a friend. I have always had the feeling that I was an unwanted child. Perhaps this was true because I was created without love.
I did not have a colourful life. My life was full of winding paths covered with sharp spikes which now and then I came across.
"We?" I looked at her. "Why do you want to say goodbye to him?"
"Because it's my husband," she answered without thinking and went to the closet. Why she was so soulless.
"He meant nothing to you." I got up from the floor.
"Don't you say so? You don't know the truth!"
"I know a lot more than you think" I hissed and wiped tears from my eyes.
"Everybody experiences bereavement differently, Alice." when she pulled a black dress out of the wardrobe, I snorted.
"You do not experience it at all," I said and left the bedroom, slamming the door.
My father was on his deathbed.
And I was powerless.