Title: She's Feisty
Author: euphemian
Reviewer: awesomeSTG
Summary/Blurb: 2.5/5
Okay. So like most authors, you decided to pull the 'excerpt' card. This isn't really an issue for me since this is a rather popular option, but for me... it's pretty disconcerting. You're not even using proper punctuation marks in the very beginning of your summary, and this, mind you, is a really huge turn off, especially to those Grammar Nazis.
"You don't know what you're going into newbie" I saw his face redden with anger "I'm going to give you one last chance. Get up and leave"
"Make me"
(Gosh, this phrase needs work.)
First of all, you don't have pauses because you neglected to place periods. There aren't any verbal tags, so you should place periods before you close each quotation mark. Also, place a comma before 'newbie'.
And another thing. You showed too much in your blurb that I pretty much lost interest. You shouldn't have added those unnecessary parts about Maxwell Lawrence and how he's gonna fall in love with Kayla, but then Kayla's into Raymond and stuff. See? Even when I'm mentioning those perks in your story now I can already see what's happening. So, doesn't that crush the point of a blurb supposedly created to lure readers in?
Description: 1.5/5
Okay... I'm glad you're placing tons of efforts into weaving this story. It's nice, though I felt dead. Why? Eh, probably because you've been using purely 'telling words,' instead of showing us the world. Sure, Kayla's describing how awesome her school is and all, but we don't really feel the 'awesomeness' emanating from your words. Actually, to be quite frank, there are barely any words in your story describing sensory images.
Then there's the info dumping. It's... er, making it hard for us to be invested in the story and the main character because of all the unnecessary info you've been dumping and shoving down our throats. I could hardly feel sympathy for Kayla's supposed 'sad' backstory because aside from the fact that we don't even know anything about her yet (for short, we don't care), the past sounded quite forced and redundant. Not to mention that she just told us everything plainly.
Remember, while it's important that we must know a lot about the MC doesn't mean that you throw her entire sob story over to our faces and expect us to immediately relate to her. No. Instead of being invested in the MC and 'sympathizing' with her, we end up gritting our teeth because we've already seen this scene for like... I don't know. Sob stories are common here.
Take a peek and look into the eyes of an avid reader. They've seen a lot of stories and became picky. They'll look for something unique, though that doesn't mean that you have to thrash your sob story. Just look for a better way to convey it to us without making it sound cliché.
Grammar: 2.5/5
As I've stated before in your blurb, you're lacking punctuation marks, and while I'm reading through your story I've also found it quite attention-grabbing.
First of all, make sure to place periods after your sentences and before closing them in with the quotation mark. If there's a verbal tag, use a comma, and so on and so forth.
Then there's your tenses. They really kept me from making progress because they flew back and forth so frequently.
For example:
'"She's right here" I grumble, looking down at my feet.'
'"She's right here" I replied again.'
Well, as you can see, you're missing your commas. They're strewn all over your story too, but that's not that big a problem. You also need to STRICTLY follow only one tense.
"Grumble" is present and "replied" is past.
They make your whole story look messy, so I advise a few revisions.
And then there's your letter 'Is'. Capitalize them at ALL TIMES because it's literally the person speaking. Next would be the way you suddenly capitalize a random letter even though that certain word isn't a proper noun.
'"The assignment would be submitted next Tomorrow without no excuses" was the only thing I heard...'
This sentence also creates confusion. Firstly, 'would' is past and the word it's accompanying is 'tomorrow,' which signifies the future. They pretty much contradict each other, so instead, this should be:
'"The assignment will be submitted tomorrow, and there will be no excuses," was the only thing I heard...'
(I also omitted the word 'next' since it's unnecessary.)
Then there's your singular and plural words.
'My children probably thinks I'm the worst mother... '
*Change 'thinks' to 'think' because the word 'children' is in plural form.
'"I'm gonna makes her beg"
Even though 'I' is a singular word, its also an exception to the rule, along with the word 'you'. They will always be plural.
Other things I need to point out are your ellipses. They're supposed to consist of three periods only [...] and no more, no less.
Keep an eye out for your double punctuation marks too, such as these: [?...]
Characterisation: 1.5/5
First thing's first, I want to mention the part before your chapter one. Yes, your 'character' section. I don't know about other reviewers, but I don't really agree with the fact that you just placed your character's personalities and flaws in there like a chart. Readers should discover those attributes themselves because it's part of a character's depth and how well one makes them. You don't need to say that character A is happy-go-lucky or that character B is too lazy for his own good. We will know them when you show them to us.
A character's depth is actually rated by the standards of the reader, even though it's the author who creates their quirks and traits. As we read on, our perspective about that certain character and what we think about them will change based on their reaction to certain obstacles, interactions, and the like. So for me, it's already a huge turn off that you're shoving these very valuable things without giving us the liberty of getting to know them first. It's pretty much our choice if we will think that Maxwell is indeed 'soft on the inside'. All you have to do is to show us their actions and the way they perceive things.
For example, Miss Sunshine and I are reading this book about Norse myth. Then we come across the God of Magic and Mischief, Loki. I might think that he's cool because he always manages to worm himself out of troubles (that he caused himself), while Miss Sunshine might think that he's nothing more than a sucker for attention that needs to be whacked by Thor. We readers treat each character differently, and even though you've placed that certain personality in them, you can't just say 'soft on the inside,' just like that. What if we don't think so?
Speaking of which, I'm pretty picky when it comes to characters so I'll be blunt and say that they're two-dimensional and common here in Wattpad. Maxwell's a Greek god born in earth but is an absolute bully because he literally owns the school, Kayla is the nerd who 'miraculously' stands up against him and stuff... well... There must be something more to them than the typical tales of feisty, badass nerd and the hot boy. Broaden their characters!
Plot: 2.5/5
I've watched that Korean drama when I was a child (well, my grandmother watched it) and I was actually pretty fascinated by the girl's attitude and the four boys ruling the school. Now... I feel like that certain trope has been overused. I haven't read all of it — well, I tried, I really did — but from the flow of things and from the summary that revealed just a little too much, the predictability of your story is going higher. I just hope this has more twists and turns than the normal 'nerdy girl fights back against the hot Greek god incarnate bully and then continues said banter until one falls in love but there's this dreaded love triangle with such a handsome kind-natured guy and now there's also the 'b*tch' trying to destroy the MC' trope.
Realism: 2.5/5
I only have a few issues here that need clearing up, and they're things that broke the law of reality.
First issue here is the 'nerdy talk' of Raymond who miraculously knows instantly about Kayla. He took a peek at the files, yes, but are attributes of a certain student supposed to be listed down on a school form? I don't think so.
It said there that Raymond found out about Kayla's 'bookworm and loves sports' attitude in the school form. No, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't really think that's possible.
If Maxwell wanted to find out more about Kayla and what his enemy is like then you should as least make him strive for it! Make him question the students and stalk her account or have some private investigator look her up if he's really that furious. This unrealistic convenience is an example of the phenomena called 'Ex Deus Machina' (Hmm... Is this right?), where something absolutely providential just forces the story to propel onwards without any form of effort because the answers just land oh so easily on the character's lap, therefore eradicating a sense of realistic justice.
Another issue I have is the way Kayla established FIRST friendship with Sabrina. They just met! And then Kayla just miraculously waltzes over to her house that night like they've been attached to the hip ever since they were toddlers. This totally contradicts to what Kayla stated in the earlier chapters that she's awkward in making friends and all that.
Of course, we want our characters to have peers, but those certain friendships don't happen overnight — or over a spilled spaghetti on a bully's head. We don't really want to prolong minor details like these, either, I understand that, but try making it seem like how new people on the path to becoming friends act. A little awkwardness here, a few stutters and curious questions and glances there. Hope you understood the point I'm trying to say.
OVERALL SCORE: 13/30
Hello there, euphemian! Thank you so much for choosing me to review your story, it's an honour. I'm terribly sorry for the delay, but I hope you were satisfied with the overall critique. I'm really, really sorry if I was blunt on most parts... sorry...
Please be reminded that this particular review is halfway subjective and may vary from critic to critic. Thank you for choosing Sapphire's Review Store, and keep on writing!