The past couple days haven't been great. Today wasn't a great day for me. It was just one of those days where everything was hitting me really hard. I miss Michael. I miss Luke. I've just been so exhausted. I keep crying myself to sleep.
I've been going to class and work still, even though I really don't want to. I don't have the energy for it, but I'm managing.
"Kelsey?" Ashton calls, knocking at my bedroom door.
"Yeah? Come in." I reply, sitting up in my bed.
"Hey." He smiles, closing the door behind him.
"Uh, hey. What's up? It's three in the morning." I chuckle, looking up at him.
"Is it? Shit, you can go back to sleep."
"I wasn't sleeping. I'm just watching a movie."
"Oh. Okay. Can we cuddle? I'm sad." He replies.
"Yeah. What's wrong?" I ask, watching him close the door.
"I'm not really sure. I'm just sad." He tells me, climbing into bed with me.
I curl up with him, a small sigh passing my lips.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
I shrug, "I'm kinda sad too."
"Oh, did something happen?"
"You know what happened, Ash. I cheated on my boyfriend, so he left me. I understand that. I don't like that he's gone missing. I kinda miss Luke. I've only been sober for like, I don't know, a couple weeks? I'm fucked up."
"I'm sorry. I know. I feel like we haven't been able to talk much recently. We haven't really talked through all of this yet."
"Yeah. I mean, you did leave for a few days and then we did fuck and like, didn't talk much after that, so..."
"I- I'm sorry. I wasn't sure if after... what happened, you were still good with me."
"Obviously, Ashton. We just did something stupid. Nice, but stupid." I lightly laugh.
He chuckles, "I mean, at least you enjoyed it?"
"Yeah. Great job." I reply.
"Okay, anyways. I do want to apologize for not talking through your Seattle trip with you. We've talked about this stuff a bit. But, I just haven't been around."
"It's okay, I guess. I can't expect you to be around to help me the second I get a bit sad."
Ashton frowns, "I should be, though. We're best friends, Kels. Is there anything you didn't tell me about?"
"Honestly, you heard most of it. I'm just glad I'm getting closer with Calum and Kiana again. I'm always texting them now. They're so great."
"I'm glad!"
I pause, taking a deep breath, "I- I'm also talking to Luke."
"You are?"
"Yeah. We actually talked on the phone the other day. He texted me this morning too."
"Kels..."
"We're trying to be friends. The divorce is still happening." I quickly tell him, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.
"Just, please, be careful. I don't know what I'd do if he hurt you again. It sucked seeing you so upset over him."
"I know a lot of people would probably judge me for this. But, it's my life. I'm going to see how things go. This isn't me getting back together with him. Yet."
"Kels!"
"That would be a long time from now! I'm just saying!"
"I know you never really got over him. I know you've always loved him. Please be smart about this. Please don't let him hurt you again."
"I'm going to be extra careful this time around. So far it seems like he'd do anything for me. I'm still worried, though."
"As long as you know what you're doing. I know you're smart. I just don't trust him."
"You don't really know him, Ashton."
"But do you?"
"I mean- I guess-" I pause, before sighing, "I guess we only just started talking again. But he hasn't changed much! I mean, he's changed physically. Wow, that boy got hotter somehow." Smiling, I look up at him.
"You seem like you're... happy?"
"Trust me, I've been feeling sad lately. I'm not kidding when I say I miss Michael. I feel so bad. But, I don't know, Luke sort of... makes me happy, I guess? I hate saying that, because I feel like he shouldn't. I said I relapsed because of the stress of Luke. And I think the stress of Seattle, and Michael finding out really did. I just- I get confused on how I switched so quick. I think it's that the divorce is happening. Maybe because I got to talk with him?"
"Hey, Kels. It's okay. It's okay, to be confused. It's okay that he makes you happy. You're going through a lot, if he's helping, don't fight it. I won't judge you. I understand it, I think."
"I want to be happy, Ashton. But all I do is overthink. All I do is fuck everything up." I mumble, nervously fidgeting with my bedsheets.
"I get this Michael thing is hard. I can do my best to try and talk to him. I know relapsing is serious. That's why I'm watching over you. I'm not letting it happen again."
I groan, curling up in his arms, closing my eyes, "I wish my life was just... easier."
"I mean, you're in the middle of a divorce with a guy you still love, and are now talking to again, and cheated on your boyfriend after he found out you were married so you broke up and now he's gone missing, you broke your sobriety and ended up fucking your best friend. It's like, not that bad."
I groan again, even louder this time, "Thanks for the reminder!"
"Sorry. But like, things could be worse, probably?" Ashton suggests, trying to make it seem like my situation isn't bad, when it is.
"I doubt it." I mutter, closing my eyes as I relax.
Ashton chuckles, running a hand through my hair, "Kelsey, go to sleep."
I yawn, "You- you didn't tell me what was wrong with you."
"Because I'm not sure. I just feel sad. But, I'll sort it out. Get some sleep, Kels."
-
I couldn't sleep. I woke up an hour later. Ashton was still awake and on his phone when I finally opened my eyes.
"You didn't have to stay here if you can't sleep." I tell him, rubbing at my eyes.
He turns his phone off, putting it down. Ashton shrugs, looking down at me, "You looked comfy."
I chuckle, shaking my head, "I'm so tired. I don't know why I can't sleep."
"Yeah, same."
"Wanna take Kyle's car and go get pizza, or something?" I ask, looking up at him.
"Yeah, for sure."
Ashton goes to his room to get dressed, and I get dressed as well. I sigh, looking at myself in the mirror before making my way downstairs to meet Ashton.
Waiting at the door, I put my hood up, and pull the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands. I look like a mess, but had nobody to impress.
Ashton finally meets me downstairs, also in a hoodie and sweatpants. He giggles, "I guess we thought alike."
"I guess so. Ready to go?"
Ashton grabs the keys, and we make our way to the car.
Once we get to the pizza place, it's pretty much dead inside. There was a small group of friends.
Ashton went and ordered a pizza for the two of us, while I went and sat in a booth tucked in the corner of the small pizza joint.
"It'll be a few minutes." Ashton tells me, sitting down across from me.
"So, are you sure there's nothing going on with you?"
"Kels, I'm good."
"You said you're sad."
"Okay, Kels. I'm just having girl problems. That girl I liked that I brought up to you a few months ago? I was sort of seeing her. I didn't want to tell you guys because it was kinda... strange? I don't know. Turns out she's now with some guy way hotter than me. She just kinda strung me along."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I question, confused about why Ashton wouldn't come to me with this.
"I didn't need to bother you with it. You were stressed about Seattle. Then Seattle happened. Then we fucked. It's just- there hasn't been a good time for it. I'm fine. Girls can't hurt me. I don't have feelings."
I shake my head at him, "Ash, you deal with my shit all the time, even when things like this are going on. I can handle it."
"You've been through a lot. I'd rather make sure you're okay. I can deal with my shit on my own. I can talk it out with Kyle. I really want you to be okay."
"Ashton, it's- it's fine." I tell him, yawning.
"You need to get sleep. We should've just ordered in." Ashton chuckles, looking over at me.
I shake my head, "I'm tired, but I can't sleep."
When they call out that the pizza is ready, Ashton goes to get it, bringing it back to us.
Sitting back down, Ashton opens the box, "Alright. Let's eat this whole thing now and try to pretend we aren't sad."
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I'm SO SORRY I know it's been a while I'm going to be updating more often!!!