Title: Irony of Fate
Author: Molokolulush
Reviewer: awesomeSTG
Summary/Blurb: 4/5
Wow, I really liked the way you introduced us to your world! Short and direct, (would've loved to see a little of a December-styled intro though) you paved way to hint us of the unusual and 'perilous' journey awaiting the main protagonist. You also hinted us of some possible double meanings along the lines of your blurb.
It's just an opinion of mine, but I think the 'strange things' are a little too broad, right? Don't you think you should include the existence of Them in the blurb, such as, 'the creatures roaming amok in the world were of those who had fallen victim to their own guilty conscience.'
Lemme know what you think!
Description: 3/5
Show and tell. The two of them should be balanced properly, for far too much show results in purple prose, though that's pretty rare. I loved the way you managed to weave them both intangibly in the first few chapters, but then I ventured further and saw that the threads had been cut, and I'm left longing for something I couldn't feel anymore.
There were moments when you simply 'told' us the emotions that would really be better off fleshed out. Surprise, confusion, loneliness, without the proper words of the stabbing heart, needle-like knives, constricting of the chest, churning of the insides or whatever else, those emotions will never be felt.
December is one of those who had fallen victim. You just said he was confused. Okay. We know he's confused, but how can we feel his confusion? Were his once clear irises lost and flitting around, as if he had been nothing but a mere child left to explore the dangerous world alone? Show us!
Also, I couldn't quite insert myself in the character's boots and 'feel' the spine-tingling sensations you wanted us to share with December and Naomi as they slipped past Them with only nothing but a phone and a recoding to keep their grubby devastated hands at bay.
I think it would probably help if you'd describe the appearance of Them in a way that we'd be able to touch them if we wanted to. Are their skins misty, leathery, or damp? Decaying? Worms? Slurping, sucking sounds? Glazed blank eyes staring into oblivion, or no eyes at all? Stench of copper? Scent of death? Or the scent of rotten eggs mixed with wet socks and mould? Hands filled with regret as they brought others down in their mindless, mad frenzy? Yeah... well, something like that...
Grammar: 2.5/5
Okay. There are a few things you need to work on in this department, some of them easy fixes, and some pertaining to the way you structure your sentences.
1. 'This time, December listened carefully without asking any questions knowing that he wouldn't get any answers only more questions which would make his head hurt even more than it already does.'
To be honest, my head also hurt from reading such an exhausting thing aloud. Try it out, I say. If you're already catching your breath by the time you reach the period, then use a comma, or a dash for that matter. Or you could just rebuild this.
"This time, December listened without asking any questions, FOR he knew that he would never garner the answers he wanted in the meantime — only more questions which would make his head hurt even more than it already had/did."
(Does is present tense, so don't use that word when you're writing a past tense narration.)
2. 'December followed Naomi who lead the way to the...'
Speaking of tenses, they're clashing right there. 'Followed,' is in past tense, but notice that 'lead' is in present. You better watch out for those.
"December followed Naomi who (had) led the way..."
3. "...It's the only hope I have left" Naomi said..."
Add a comma before you add the closing quotation mark.
4. "Oh shut up," Naomi said rolling her eyes.
Yeah, on this part, add a comma after 'said' and before 'rolling'. You need to indicate a pause after the verbal tag, for that would sound pretty off.
5. 'Most of the goods probably stolen by other people who had come to its doors to take refuge.'
At first I didn't quite see what was wrong with it. I just thought it was choppy, but then I noticed that you had failed to add a supporting word next to 'goods' and 'probably'. I suggest adding 'were' for fluency purposes.
One last thing! I noticed that the word 'said' had been placed all over the story. It's getting redundant, so I suggest you look for other possible verbal tags. The possibilities are endless!
Characterisation: 3/5
I love December's character! Calm and collected an first, then easily disgusted and completely human in nature, not just a 2d block. I liked the way you handled his character and made him care about his life, though a small part of me still mourns for the 'telling' of emotions on his part.
I was also fascinated by Naomi's past, though you could've been a lil more creative and did the flashback minus the dream. I think it was a little of an info dump, where you're pretty much 'forcing' us to eat the facts you have created for Naomi. To be honest, I had the urge to skip that flashback.
'December could see the frustration in Naomi's eyes and understood that this girl has been through a lot since she was young.'
Aside from the fact that I think it's impossible to see all that with merely your eyes and not clairvoyance, that phrase just sounded bland. How are we supposed to feel Naomi's frustration? We can see it, but we can't feel it.
(Also, change 'has' to 'had'.)
Plot: 5/5
Your plot is flowing smoothly, and I'm very eager to know more about December's dad. That man might be the key, and the survivors are clocking him for something he didn't remember — which, I think is also the doing of December's dad. It isn't exactly unique in my opinion, but hey! We're only just beginning. I just hope there's more twists than the apocalyptic world their living in and trying to survive it.
Realism: 3/5
This one is purely subjective, but we don't really know much about the strange reason Them exists just yet, right?
It's just that I found the 'Naomi-and-December-escaping-with-a-recorder' facade a little too easy for a way to sneak out. So does that mean Them can't sense or smell that December and Naomi are different? Day shouldn't alter those creature's features so much, because it will be much too easy. Hindrances are hard in order to help the protagonists discover that they possess some sort of inner ability. I know you didn't make it relatively easy for them, but I sometimes wonder about the availability of electricity too. There's a reason why there aren't any supplies in an apocalypse, and these can dig deep through your story.
OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/30
Hello there! Thank you so much for choosing me to review your story, it was something I enjoyed — along with Naomi and December's banter.
I'm terribly sorry for the delay, and I hope you take into account that while I'm trying to be as objective as possible, it couldn't be helped that I preached some subjective opinions as well, so they may vary from one critic to another.
Thank you, and keep typing!