Title: Cee's Collection of Short Stories
Author: hottiesoftie
Summary: [NO SCORE – WILL NOT BE INCLUDED IN FINAL SCORE]
I decided not to judge this summary because it's not so much a plot-based summary or anything. It's more like a general, informative overview that tells readers that this is a collection of short stories. Personally, I think it is the perfect way to show the readers what this collection entails.
Grammar: 2.5/5
Okay, so apart from run-on sentences, I found that your biggest issue here was when it came to punctuation and dialogue. There were instances where, during dialogue, some question marks were missing during questions, some incomplete sentences were present, and there were some moments of redundant punctuation. Let's go through them:
"And don't forget that I love you!," Hamda said.
The above example is inaccurate because you have placed two types of punctuation in one place. You only need one and, since this dialogue is exclaimed, the exclamation mark overrules everything. It should be:
"And don't forget that I love you!" Hamda said.
Next, we had a few instances of incomplete sentences after the dialogue. For example:
"The blonde woman interrupting my thoughts."
That above example is an incomplete sentence. Since you're also in past tense, it should be:
"The blonde woman interrupted my thoughts."
Now, the biggest issue I found was punctuation in dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"You won't miss it," she smiled at me.
You can't really 'smile' your words. So, therefore, this isn't a verbal tag and it should be:
"You won't miss it." She smiled at me.
Or, it can also be:
"You won't miss it," she said, smiling at me.
And, finally, as mentioned before, question marks and exclamation marks override commas when it comes to punctuation. So, let's look at the following example:
"What the hell are you talking about Steph," Henry asked.
It should be:
"What the hell are you talking about, Steph?" Henry asked.
Character Building: 3/5
It was a little tough to score this because it was a series of short stories and I don't want to give away too much, but I did find patterns in your writing which helped me shape this review.
There were some good things happening with characterisation. Dialogue was always clear, engaging, and easy to follow. The characters' emotions throughout the stories are very clear, their interactions are kept purposeful and meaningful, and your use of first-person made the narratives very character-driven.
However, since you are in first person mostly, I encourage you to use that to your advantage. You have the opportunity to dabble in some internal monologue and really expose your character to the reader. As the reader, whenever I read in first person, I want to know the thought-processes that underly the characters' actions, and I want to see how that influences and shapes their characterisation. I want their backstories (if relevant) to seep through their thoughts, and I want to see how they are influenced about the culture that surrounds them.
I also found a lot of instances where you told instead of showed. For example:
"I was angry at myself for giving up." Or: "I sounded angry."
Don't tell us that – show it to us. Did her voice sound clipped? Could she feel her blood heating up? Show it to us – that way, the reader will feel more engaged.
Writing Style: 3.5/5
Okay, so I found that, while your writing was rather fast-paced (which I liked, by the way), there were moments where I thought you definitely could have elaborated to make your writing more rich, and more fleshed out. For example:
"Today felt like a good day, and she knew that something good would happen."
This was the perfect opportunity to expand. You could have described the setting, or described the character a bit more – did she feel her heart sing? Was the sky orange from the liquid sunshine? What was it that made her feel this way? It's a great way to set up the mood, and then juxtapose it with the conflict to come.
Also, in general, I felt like the stories lacked setting – which is such a shame considering how culturally rich some of the stories were. And, when I say setting, I don't just mean:
"Looking around, you could see how elegant and advanced the building looked."
You need to take time out to really show what makes the building seem elegant and advanced. You need to flesh it out with literary devices – personification, metaphor, simile. Take the reader there and ground us.
Also, if we're talking from a professional point of view, writing things such as 'ding!' or 'SMACK!' would be considered rather unprofessional. Again, use literary devices to flesh these out and make the reader feel it – was the sound sharp? Did it sound like a clap of thunder?
Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5
Okay, so I loved that some short stories had more comical ends, while others had sadder, more ambiguous ends. It was a great way to keep the stories different, diverse, but also engaging. Great work!
I also like that your stories occasionally tackle some rather big, social topics – such as marriage being a 'vital' part of a woman's life, and the role of a woman as a wife. There were also stories about the impact of family and culture, and some thought-provoking stories about domestic violence.
That being said, while some of these short stories were supposed to be heart-wrenching, they did lose their impact because the pace was too quick to let the reader delve into those emotions. I encourage you to slow the pace down, add some emotional depth to it, and also consider fleshing out the culturally rich setting and environment that some of your stories showcase. The diversity within your work is a strength – use it to your advantage.
OVERALL SCORE: 13/20
Overall, a sweet and thought-provoking set of short stories! Just work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!