Songs for this chapter -
Breathe Me - Sia (x2)
*Harry's POV*
My hand reaches towards the bed side light, switching it off, leaving the room pitch black.
"I need you Louis, your body pressed against mine, our breathing in sync," my voice becomes shaky as I lean closer to the bed, his breathing has increased by the sound of it, and it's as if he's trying to talk but he's caught between his words, not knowing what to say or do.
"What are you doing?" his voice becomes lower, a bit raspier and shaky. I put my hand over his mouth, covering it so no sound escapes from him. He tries talking, but his words are muffled into the palm of my mind. I can feel his heart beating faster and faster, his breathing become heavier, and the room become hotter. My body takes over his, moving on top of it.
His body moves around under me, almost as if he's trying to free himself, but I won't let him. My arms, legs, body won't comply with my brain, and everything is moving so slow, I'm stuck in a haze and I can't get out, but I don't want to get out.
With my hand still over his mouth, I move my hand up and down his body. As my hand rises up his torso, I get hold of his shirt, pulling it slightly up. His skin now full of small goosebumps becomes heated with my touch, yet he's still trying to get away from me.
"I love you, I never stopped," I mumble into the crook of his neck, peppering it with kisses and soft sucks at the delicate skin. His body tries to fight me off, hands pushing at my chest trying to free himself yet again, but I still won't let him.
For a split second I blackout, then come back to reality. He's still under me, fighting me off, I'm trying to get off of him, I am, but I just can't. No matter what I do, my body and my brain seem to be on their own. For a moment it's as if something is taking over me, someone who I'm not and would never want to be. I begin yelling at him, pushing him down under, continuing to touch every inch of his body.
"Shut the fuck up," I hiss, sucking harder at his neck. He won't comply, why would he?
My fingers run down to the hem of his jeans, pulling at his belt, trying to unlatch it with my one hand. I'm unable to completely unbuckle it when his arm reaches for the bed side lamp, turning the light on again. This time the light illuminates the whole room, giving all of it color. I keep my eyes closed, my hand still over his mid-section. Nothing's happening, it's not feeling right, not like before, and I still continue.
I tug at his jeans, trying to pull them down, he lets finally breaks from my grip when he begins to cry out, "Harry stop!" he shouts.
My mind clicks back into place, my vision now clear, thoughts are straight, and I can finally see what I'm doing. His plea for me to stop, the desperation in his voice, the small cries and sobs coming from him is what has woken me up from this haze.
Here in under me, lays a boy, a boy who's almost been taken advantage of, and I can see myself in his eyes. It's not Louis, should've known, but how could I've known? It's a mess.
Harry stop!
The words echo inside my head as I stare at him, eyes red, cheeks wet with tears. This is what it was like, and for once I'm finally understanding what I'm going through. This same voice of this boy, Luke, is me and I'm Sam. I've lost myself, and I don't know who I'm becoming. But whatever it is that I'm doing, feels so wrong, but I feel so empowered, I hate it.
It doesn't take long for me to get off Luke. His quiet sobs fill the room, he scoots to the corner of his bed, legs folded against his chest, arms wrapped around them. The sight is frightening, scarring to be exact. It's something so scary, to see him so frightened of me makes me think, this is what Sam saw everyday yet he never stopped. How could he live with himself. Was he even aware of what he was doing?
My entire body trembles as I stare at Luke. I want to go up to him, try to explain but I know it'd only scare him more. If I leave, he'll live with this his entire life asking himself why. I can't leave because I know for a fact that that's what he would've done, he would've run away from his problems like he always would. Sam was such a coward, never wanting to face what he's done, but I'm not him and I'm not planning to take his place any time soon.
"L-Let me try to explain," I stutter, stepping closer towards Luke.
"Leave!", he yells back between his sobs.
"Please, I'm sorry, I just need to explain," I plea pressing my hands together, begging.
"No Harry!" Luke stares at me dead in the eyes, and for a solo second I swear I'm looking at myself from 4 years ago. The same helpless, 14 year old boy who was scared. "There's nothing to explain, you're fucked up in the head. There's something wrong with you, and you know it. You're broken Harry, and you need to be fixed. I knew that the moment I stepped foot on this campus. There was always something off about you, now I know what it is. Just leave Harry, just leave and don't come back. It's for the best if you leave, now. And don't you dare say no, because if you don't I'll call the authorities to come and get you and I won't show mercy on you." his words take me by surprise, making me take a step and and think about what he's said.
I was broken once, and I got fixed, I'm broken again but this time I'm not sure there's any fixing that can be done. I can't keep depending on him to help every time I need saving, but maybe I need him to be in my life forever, not because I need him to keep me sane, but because I know he's one of the only people that I have left in my life right now, the only one in fact.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, turning around walking to my desk. There's no use in trying to explain, he wouldn't listen.
No words leave my mouth after, I simply grab my journal that's set on the desk and walk out. As soon I close the door behind me, I break into tears. All is gone and I'm left with nothing.
...
I have nothing, no one at all.
I keep repeating to myself while I walk alongside the streets. The rain still pours, harder and harder as time goes by. My clothes are soaking wet, but I've managed to keep my journal dry inside a small plastic bag. I've been walking around for hours, just thinking. Thinking about what I'm supposed to do now, what I did back there, what I'm becoming, what's happening with my life.
Back there, I became someone who I'm not. It felt like I was a completely different person, not me at all. It was in my moment of haziness, drunkenness, I was at my highest, mind clouded with nothing but lust. Drinking and smoking was to try to forget about him, numb the pain, escape reality, and it didn't help. Everyone always tries to take the easy way out, finding excuses, finding ways so they won't have to face what's really going on, and maybe that's exactly the problem, running away from our fears. We spend so much time running away from them, away from reality, that we could have spent that same time facing it and trying to move on with life.
I don't have a clue to what was going through my head while on top of Luke, but it felt wrong yet I continued. When I saw his face, the helplessness was evident in his eyes. His shout for me to stop was what awoke me. At that very moment, it was as if I heard my self screaming at Sam to stop, there's a difference to what happened, I actually stopped. Sam never showed mercy, he didn't know what it was.
After what just happen, I'm left to wonder if Sam was going through something similar as me right now. Maybe he did love someone and he was hurt at the time as well, maybe. All I know now, is that I can't go on living life like he did, miserable? Hell no.
The lights flicker on and off. The rain his the pavement, the noise nearly loud enough to overpower any noise out here. I'm tying to think positive things, all to try to get the recent scenes out of my head, no luck, I need help.
Coming around the block, I turn to the bus too, only a small umbrella covers it, nor enough to keep me dry. It's then I realize I'm alone, I really am.
I try to think about someone, people that are willing to take me out of this town, no one comes to mind. I'm out here alone, rain covering every inch of this place. Between the rain and the tears, you would never be able to tell them apart. I'm breaking again as the recent scenes with Luke play back in my head.
What the fuck is wrong me me?
I yell, no one would ever be able to hear me, therefore I continue to scream out to the heavens.
What have I done to deserve this misery. I have done nothing but love one man. All I ever wanted was to love a man, and I did, but what's the point if loving them if they won't show it back! Everyone I love gets pushed away or turns on me, what the fuck have I done wrong!
My head throbs in pain a I try to pick my phone out of the plastic bag. My cheeks are warm, only due to the tears.
Without hesitation I scroll down my contacts, skipping through each one because I know I've already pushed then away to the point where they would never considering coming back no mater what. Others have turned on me, and some, one, is the only thing, only hope I have left.
Fingers shaky, they hover over the call button until I've finally gained the courage to press it. The number dials, one rings two rings, three rings, nothing. The voice behind the voicemail weakens me to where I'm no longer standing. My back hits the side if the metal rails for the bus stop, slowly sliding down as I tug at my hair. Eyes hurting, chest rising, tears falling, heart pumping, sending shivers down my spine, he's still got it.
"Hey, this is Louis! Sorry I can't get to the phone now, leave a message after the beep, beep!" his voice clear as day, it brings to a complete different high. He didn't have this before, never, he sounds happy. No matter what I do, I just need someone to help, I'm not looking for anything special, but if the opportunity shows up, I won't let it slip..
The beep of the machine sounds, nothing comes from my mouth, at least nothing that I've thought of saying, it all just comes out. I shouldn't worry Louis, but I can't help it, he's the only thing I have.
"I miss you," I begin breathing into the phone, "I'm scared, Louis, I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm becoming. Everything is so fucked up, I- I don't know who I am anymore. I forced myself onto someone thinking it was you, and I don't know how to fix this. Everywhere I turn, I see backs turned to me. I have no one, Louis, no one. All whom I trusted are gone, lost my trust, and worst, stabbed me right in the back. Zayn won't speak to me, Liam turned out to be my worst nightmare along with Noah. My mum won't tell me where she is, and I'm afraid to know what Niall has done. You're the only one I have left. I'm so alone, confined in my solitude with no place to go. I'm becoming a shattered piece of glass that's been broken too many times, it'll take a miracle for it to be able to be put back together. I believe that miracles do happen, because you were mine. The whole time I've been gone, I've been trying to convince myself that I'm over you, but all I'm doing is trying to replace you, and no one can do that. I'm scared, so scared. I'm out here alone, with no place to turn to, no safe haven. I need you Louis, even if it's just as a friend, because I don't think I can take much longer. I'm losing myself, if I don't seek help now, how will I be sure it won't be too late after. Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my entire life, that's exactly why I'm going after you, I'm getting you back Louis, no matter what it takes this time. Nothing can come between you and I this time, I promise you."
I hang up the phone, standing up off the ground. My eyes are nearly swollen shut, barely able to see what's in front of me. Small sobs slip through my lips as I breathe. Taking one last look around, I begin sprinting towards the nearest metro station, it's the only way. There's no telling if I'll find him or not, or if he'll want to see me, but it's better to take a risk than none at all, what else have I got to lose, I have nothing.
{please vote and comment 💖 Thank you so much for reading! I want to thank the people who watched my twitcam earlier, had some good questions, said a couple spoilers but don't worry! I'll be doing another one very soon! Hope you guys are looking forward to the next few chapter 😏 I LOVE YOU ALL, XX}