After witnessing the proposal, I felt a lot of emotions. It was too much and almost overwhelming.
It was just...seeing their happiness, being in this moment with them, I couldn't do it. At one point, I did really love him too. I had thought about my happy ever after with him. The crushing blow of reality was just a lot to face right now.
I didn't have to say anything, thankfully, since Danny spoke for the both of us. He said we had to go back and I smiled and nodded along with Danny's words, however much both Liam and Julie asked us to stay.
After saying our goodbyes, we were in the car and on our way to the airport.
The journey was quiet, only the faint sound of the radio filling the air between us, so that it wasn't suffocatingly silent.
My mind would just replay the moment he asked her. The moment he proposed and everything changed.
This really shouldn't hurt. The whole idea of Liam and I stopped the day he saw Julie. That was it for him. She was it for him.
However, that tiny part deep within me, one that I kept buried, that probably still thought of him as something more, that was hurting. It had just been crushed, it'd a take a second for it to recover.
"Are you okay?" I heard Danny ask.
I turned my head slightly, to see his focus was still on the road ahead of us he drive, but a frown was etched across his face.
I shrugged a little at his question. "I'm not sure," I told him.
It was an honest answer, because I really didn't know what I was feeling. I couldn't decipher it myself, I wouldn't even know what to say to Danny. It would probably be non-coherent rambling.
"Do you need a hug?" Danny asked.
I smiled at his question, knowing full well that he'd probably stop the car on the side of the road to give me a hug.
"I'm not sure," I replied, at least I didn't think I need one.
My answer clearly didn't sit right with Danny, who let out an annoyed groan. "What are you sure of, Rena?"
Unintentionally, I let out an amused breath. "They're engaged," I said out load, letting the words sink in.
Danny hit his palm on the steering, which caught me off guard and jumped slightly.
"I told you, you shouldn't have gone," he said, sounding frustrated.
"I'm sure it's a little too soon for an 'I told you' so moment Danny," I told him, turning away to face the window and everything that we were passing by.
"Right. Sorry," I heard Danny say. I didn't turn my head, but I could tell that he sounded apologetic and probably had a frown on his face.
I understood why he'd say that. He probably thought that if he had tried harder and stopped me from going, I wouldn't have been a part of what happened today. But then, it wouldn't change anything either.
"Even if I didn't go, they would still be engaged, Danny. You heard Liam, he'd been carrying the ring around all day, this was the intent. He probably thought to just include me in their happiness. Friends do that," I told him.
When I was little, my Mum used to sing the song 'Que Sera, Sera.' It was like a lullaby for me and she'd still hum along to it every now and then. I understood from that, there there was no changing things. If it was meant to be, it would be. That's what this day was.
It was just meant to be.
"Yes, but you're not just anyone," Danny told me, his voice as calm as ever. "You once loved the guy, or still do."
"Please. Don't," I said, squeezing my eyes shut. "Just not right now."
The rest of the journey was silent. Neither one of us saying a word.
***
I waited at the airport lounge, as our flight still had some time and whilst Danny had gone to buy some hot chocolate. I guess he really wanted to cheer me up.
It's really annoying when you think that you're completely over someone, but then the smallest thing could happen, and you realise that maybe you're not. The strings were still being tugged.
I thought that they had been snapped already, but maybe that had only happened today.
When I felt a figure approach me, I assumed it was Danny with the hot chocolate, but when I looked up, I was surprised.
It was Julie who stood in front of me, which left me incredibly confused.
I hesitantly stood up from my seat, whilst giving her a questioning look. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if she was actually here or I was just that deep into my thoughts, that I had begun hallucinating.
I really hope this wasn't my imagination.
Julie, or at least her hallucination, moved towards me and pulled me into a tight hug.
Okay, so she's real.
I continued to stay frozen as Julie hugged me, because I was very confused.
"Thank you so much. For everything," she she and I frowned.
When her tight grip began to turn a little painful, cutting off my air supply, I let out a sound of discomfort. Sensing this, Julie quickly loosened her hold on me, stepping back and looking a little apologetic.
However, she then had this strange look on her face. It seemed like her eyes were searching mine for something.
"How didn't I realise this before?" She asked.
I wasn't sure what she was even talking about.
"Julie, what..." I began to say, but she stopped me by raising her hand and shaking her head, simultaneously.
"No, no. Please, let me talk," she said.
I just nodded and let her continue, curious as to what she wanted to tell me.
"All this time, all these years, I always knew that you were my friend. One of my best friends, in fact. I just didn't know how much of an amazing friend you actually are," Julie told me.
I looked at her perplexed. I had no clue what that meant. Was she still happy that I came to her graduation? It's not that big of a gesture.
"You love him, don't you?" She asked.
Suddenly, it felt as if the chaos of the airport and all the noise just drowned out. It was only Julie's question just lingered in the air, the silence becoming the answer.
It was obvious who the 'him' was, but I still was speechless at why she would even ask this. What would make her ask me this?
She didn't look the slightest bit angry or betrayed. Instead, she had a genuine smile on her face, that I wasn't able to comprehend.
It kind of worried me that she was smiling, since that was not the reaction I was expecting.
Julie shook her head, as if finding my speechlessness, somewhat amusing.
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. In fact, your silence says more than your words ever could," she told me, her smile still not wavering.
"Julie, what are you talking about?" I said, clearing my throat.
It was my obvious attempt to dissuade her from what she thought, yet she doesn't seem to budge.
"You love Liam," Julie stated. It was no longer a question.
I don't know why I couldn't just open my mouth and flat out deny it. But it just felt like I couldn't say anything.
My currents thoughts were that Julie must think that I'm horrible. She has to. I'm her friend, yet I was once in love with the guy, she's now engaged to. I'm the worst kind of person, she has to hate me.
I tried to avoid eye contact, only for Julie to gently cup my face, so I would look at her.
Her eyes didn't hold any malice, distaste or hate. It was something that couldn't seem to understand.
"I don't hate you, Rena," she said, as if reading my mind.
"You should," I told her.
"I don't hate you, Rena. I can't hate you," Julie repeated.
Again, I didn't understand that.
"You know, a part of me always wondered that you were Liam's neighbour for so long, how did you never fall for him? Did not one part of your heart call for him? I never realised that had already fallen for him and judging by the pain that I see in your eyes, it was a long time ago, probably before I ever came into the picture. Am I right?" She asked.
I didn't utter a word and Julie took my silence as an acknowledgement of this being true.
Julie held her hands against her chest. "I don't know how I didn't see it before. I was so blind to not see your feelings but today, when I saw you hug Liam, I couldn't forget that face. You had your eyes squeezed shut, as if you were living in that moment and when your eyes opened and you had to let go, it was like everything came crashing down."
"In that moment, I thought back to everything. When you first told me about your heartbreak, it was because of Liam and I wasn't it? You helped us become a couple, helped Liam this whole time and not once did you tell him about your feelings? I was living in my own world, but I didn't know my world was resting upon your broken dreams. You think I hate you? Rena, I don't understand how you don't hate me? How can you not blame me? Curse me? How can you even look at me?" She continued, bowing her head down a little.
This time I took her hand and gave it a squeeze.
"You did nothing wrong. You just fell for someone, who fell for you. There's nothing wrong in that," I told her honestly.
Julie looked at me in surprise. "But you fell for him first," she said, in an exasperated tone.
"I fell for him when I was five years old. He was the boy that crashed his bike outside my house and forgetting everything, I went to help him. I fell for his smile and then everyday after that. I didn't even know I loved him, until he asked me about you and I realised, this was only ever going to be one-sided. You became my friend before I ever realised my true feelings. No matter how I felt, you're my friend, Julie, and that means a lot to me. No matter what, I wouldn't betray that," I confessed.
At this point, she knew. I wouldn't lie to her, so thought it was best to just tell her the truth.
I saw the way her eyes brimmed with tears, as she seemed surprised by my words.
"I always thought in terms of friends, Liam was more important to you than I could ever be. But after this, I never realised how much of a good friend you were to me, until now," she said.
Julie wiped away a tear that had escaped and then smiled once more. "You know, I once told Liam that no one could ever love him more than I do, but now, as I stand here in front of you, I'm not even ashamed to admit, that your love is far greater than mine could ever be. I'm so sorry I took that away from you."
I shook my head at her. "No, don't apologise. This was was all in the past anyway, you don't even need to think about this."
"Your eyes are a lot more honest than you are," Julie smiled at me. "I'll tell Liam. You guys can-"
"Don't finish that sentence, Julie. You can never ever tell Liam." I told her sternly. I couldn't let her say the words, because it didn't make sense. Not now.
It wouldn't be fair to Liam either. His feelings counted too and he loved her, immensely. I was never a part the equation and knowing things now, it wouldn't change anything.
Julie looked at me and nodded.
Instead of saying anything further, I just hugged her.
"Take care of him," I said and felt her nod against my shoulder, hugging me back just as tight, which caused me to smile.
We moved apart and at the same time, I heard someone clear their throat from behind us.
I turned around to see Danny stood near us with two cups in his hand, a little awkwardly. He was probably as confused as I was earlier.
Glancing back towards Julie, I smiled. "You should head back now. I'm sure Liam is losing his mind right now, wondering where you are. Wait, what did you even tell him? And Lily?"
"They're waiting for me back in my room and let me take the car. I said there was something really, really important I had to tell you and after some insisting, they let me go," she said.
I shook my head. It was such a lame excuse, I wouldn't be surprised if Liam would keep bugging Julie after, to find out what she needed to tell me.
Julie then held my hands in hers. "Thank you for everything, Rena. I'm sorry for all the pain I've unintentionally caused you. I could never repay you for helping us both. If I could take it all back..."
"Don't," I stopped her from continuing. "You deserve to be happy I was never part of this story, it's only you two," I smiled.
She nodded her head and I gently tapped her cheek.
"Goodbye, Julie. Take care," I told her.
"Bye, Rena," she smiled at me and after a last glance, she began to walk away.
***
As we were sat in the plane, up in the air now, all my thoughts were now rapidly beginning to stir up emotion within me.
I wanted to look outside the window, at the peaceful view we now had, so calm and serene, yet I couldn't. My thoughts were so far from calm. The boy next door was now engaged. He's so in love with her. He proposed.
Despite all the denying and however sure I was of my feelings now, it still really hurt. I suddenly felt so lonely.
"Hey, Danny?" I whispered, looking down at my hands in my lap.
"Yeah?" He asked.
I gulped back that painful lump developing in my throat, which I would only assumed were feeling that kept trying to rise up, not matter how much I insisted on pushing them down.
"The seatbelt sign is off now," I told him.
"Okay?" I could hear the confusion in his voice.
Finally, I looked up at him, my vision slightly blurred by tears. "I could use a hug now," I said, my voice cracking by the last word.
He gave me a faint smile, unlocking his seatbelt, raising the arm rest between us and then moving his arm around my shoulders.
"Come here," he said, pulling me to his side.
I leaned into him and squeezed my eyes shut.
Hoping, that just for a moment everything would stop. That I could hit pause, only for a little bit, just until I gathered myself again.
I couldn't let myself break.