[] uh....warning? Yeah, triggers in this chapter unu you have been warned
Ashton's P.O.V
To say that I was completely done with everything was an understatement. I really can't do this....No one knows. No one knows what exactly I do after hours. How I lock myself in the washroom and cry. I always feel like I don't fit in at all. Like I'm a complete stranger in this house. Yeah, they're all kind of nice to me. But I still feel out of place. I feel out of place everywhere I go. Memories of my past just flood back to me. Every time I got bullied, harassed, picked on. When I feel insecure, these are the memories that flow back into my mind after strenuous attempts to making them stop and just disappear forever and ever.
I've now deemed it impossible. Because my past will never go away. I've left little mental reminders of how stupid I am. How much of a fucking idiot I am. I could go on and on and on and on and on. But I just have to look at my wrists to remind me of those flaws. Each scar that runs across my wrist represents something different. They each show something. Maybe times where I cut myself multiple times to numb the pain of the first and second and third and fourth, however many there are. When the blade meets my skin, oh that eternal feeling I feel. I could never find that feeling of sheer bliss when the blade glides against my already ugly skin, leaving just another imperfection.
I can feel the tears pooling around my nose and I open my eyes which seem to have been closed the whole time I had been doing this. I miss my family, mostly my brother. He was all I ever really had. My mum just...didn't want to understand that I am still her son, no matter what I do. So I accepted that, I moved out. I got away from home. But I thought I would feel better being around strangers who knew nothing about me. That I would never have to tell them, because then I'd just have to leave again. Because even though I know some people are accepting, not many others are as accepting.
I started to cry, a silent sob escaping my lip as I continued to do what I was doing. I bit my lip and let out a sigh, shutting my eyes. But before the blade could meet my skin again, I felt it being yanked out of my hand roughly. "Ashton?!"
I slowly opened my eyes, wiping the tears away as I looked up at the person.
"M-micheal.." I mumbled, looking away from his face because it was looking at an open book. He wore a face of disgust, staring at my forearms like he was searching for the answer to the hardest math problem in the world.
"Ashton, stand up right now." He whisper-yelled to me, lightly helping me up. He guided me to the sink, turning the tap on to warm water and getting a towel from the cupboard. Wetting it slightly, he took my left arm softly and started to dab at it, soaking up the blood and cleaning the wound. I bit my lip, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Does it hurt?"
"N-no, it doesn't hurt.."
"Okay, its about to hurt though, I have to properlly clean it.."
I looked at him, wondering what he meant before I felt the stinging of the alcohol rub meeting my wound.
"Ow! Mike, that hurts.." I whimpered to him, biting my lip harder. He laughed softly and nodded, dabbing at it a bit more till he deemed it clean. He reached into the cupboard above the sink again, pulling out some gauze and a bandage wrap. Michael just wrapped the gauze around my arm tightly, then wrapped the bandag around it, fastening it with a safety pin.
"Is it too tight or too loose? Does it feel weird?" I shook my head, looking to him with tears in my eyes. "I-I...how do you know how to do that?" I sputtered.
"I kinda just...picked it up after some experiences of mine. Nothing much, really. Now, may I ask you a question, Ashton?" I nodded hesitantly and looked up to him.
"Why do you do this to yourself?"
The question struck me almost as hard as his face. I could see the actual concern on his face, and even if I wanted to deny it so bad, I was hoping, praying, wishing that Michael may just care about me. No matter how cold and mean he has been..
"I do it...because I'm never good enough. I'm too ugly, I'm too flawed.." I was cut off as I felt arms surrounding me, and that's when I noticed I had been crying and shaking like a helpless puppy.
"Ashton, please never say that. You are so good enough. You are beautiful. I always knew you were beautiful. And I always knew the most beautiful people can never see just how beautiful they really are. Everyone has flaws, but you can never be too flawed, Ashton. Its just impossible because you're so perfect. You have people who care for you. You have Luke and Calum and me. You have me, I know exactly how you are feeling right now because..." Michael's sentence trailed off, detaching from me. He sighed softly as he removed the many bracelets that covered his forearms and you could hear the choked gasp that escaped from my lips as my eyes scanned the many, many, many scars that travelled up and down his pale arms. There were so many, way more than mine. And I could see that most of them were long ago healed, but some seemed...pretty recent.
"Michael, I...I never knew.."
"That I self harm? That I'm depressed? That I am constantly suicidal? That I find joy in hurting myself and also hurting others? Yeah, I don't think I would have ever showed you...but seeing that you are going through what I go through, I feel...at bliss with myself. I want to help you, Ashton. I never want to see you do this to yourself again, please. Just promise me you will never cut again. Please, Ashton.." I could just see the tears brimming at Michael's eyes, his blue eyes becoming a sad shade of pale blue. I brought him into my arms, nodding as I felt him shake a bit. "Mikey, I promise. I promise I won't. Just...you have to promise too, okay? I want you to not do it anymore, too." I mumbled to him, stroking his back soothingly. He gave a soft nod and looked to me, sniffling rather cutely and rubbing his eyes. "Okay, Ash...I also promise not to tell Luke or Cal, if you want." Shaking my head softly, a sigh escaped my lips. "Its fine, Michael. Its not like I want to keep it from Calum or Luke, they'll find out.."
Calum's P.O.V
I tossed and turned the whole night, not being able to sleep very well after today. I
had managed to fall asleep around 5am though but was rudely awoken by a giddy voice. I blinked open my eyes, rubbing away the last bit of sleep before sitting up and looking to whoever woke me up.
"Good morning, Calum~"
"Mmh, morning, Ashton. Why are you waking me up so early?" He grinned and pulled me up out of bed quickly, a smile plastered on my own face. I glanced around before my eyes fell on his forearm, my eyebrows furrowing slightly. "What happened to your arm, Ash?" I asked, stopping him before we had left the room. Ashton shook his head quickly and smiled softly. "Oh nothing, I fell down in the bathroom yesterday and got a few scrapes, thats all." I gave a slight nod before we started walking again.
I gave the air a quick sniff and hummed, tightening my hold on Ashton's hand. "That smells truly divine..." "I know, right? We all woke up pretty early and ended up cooking breakfast for when you woke up." I blinked as we got to the kitchen, eyes trailing over all the food that was on the table.
"Holy shit...that looks way to good to be real. Am I dreaming? Someone fucking pinch me..- Ow!" I was cut off by Michael rougly pinching my bicep, a laugh errupting from him. "Haha, you're not dreaming, cunt! Just sit your fuckin' ass down and start eating." I couldn't help but laugh as well, plopping down next to an already seated Ashton and dug in, putting a bit of everything onto my plate.
[] Aloha, my friends. Literally multi-tasking and kinda distracted. My friend just texted me "my selfies are so ew, why just why." I dunno why she texts me that at 12:33am sheesh. Anyway~ I liked this chapter, it was interesting for sure. I just felt like this would give the story more, even with the story triggers and stuff. Trust me, I understand what's happening. Triggers me too heh. There's a warning at the beginning if I remember to put it in after this but still WARNING AND IM SORRY, I COULDNT HELP IT T^T Just too interesting~
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-Jess