A/N:
..........missed me? ;D
now i'm pretty sure no one will be reading this, for obvious reasons. But I'd like to address and clear some stuff up before jumping to the "long awaited" chapter.
((In case you're a new reader; you're doing amazing, sweetie! You can start the chapter right away!))
In case you've read my book before and decided to come back, then...THANK YOU!!! I won't let you down.
*To freshen your memory up a bit before the beginning of this chapter; the first italic part was something Jade wrote a while ago in her own book.
*After thinking long and hard about it, I decided to change the plot line's direction, hence the title of the chapter, since I discovered that it wasn't as realistic as I first thought. So, maybe consider checking the book's description to understand more? It won't affect what I already wrote, except adding some modifications to the last two chapters. Consider giving them a read as well, you'll be needing the recap to join in on all the fun!
It will be worth your while, promise.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Now I just wanted to wish a very happy birthday to the one who motivated me the most to write just by her enormous faith and support in my writing. She also made updating this story again happen. I'm so thankful that our paths crossed.
Seriously dude, I owe this to you.
And voalá! Enjoy the new chapter. xo
-
"The greatest human tragedy is that we want what we can't have, grow disinterested in what we do, and terribly miss the things we lose."
"I need her to make me feel like she wants this as much as I do! How many times will I assure her that I won't leave her when she's the one who's always leaving me?" He drank the whole cup that was in his hands and poured another. I was sure that it wasn't the first cup he drank and I never saw him that broken and honestly I never thought I'd ever see him that broken, sad part of him that it makes me feel sad for him. I couldn't help but gently take the cup from his hands.
At first, he didn't want to give it to me, but when I looked at him with an assuring look, he gave me the cup. I put it back on the table and took his hand in mine.
"Love isn't easy okay? It's messy and complicated, but people who truly love knows the consequences and still choose to willingly fall anyways because they believe and also so sure that the person they love, the love they feel for them, is just enough and worth doing it all for them. I've never felt that I was worth falling for, or that anyone would take the messy complicated way for me. If you're so sure that she's the one who's worth the complicated way, then you should be patient with her 'till the end." I kept rambling, but I felt like I wanted to get these words out, and I wanted to make him feel any better, but I wasn't sure how to.
"You just always know how to say the right thing, don't you?" He asked as his head was resting on the couch with a small smile showing on his face. I felt his fingers of his hand that I was taking in mine move in small circles slowly. I don't know why but I felt a strange feeling when he did that- actually I felt a lot of things, but I wasn't sure of any of them or what were them.
"Can I ask you something?" He asked.
"You just did, but yeah you can." I chuckled.
"Will it be okay if I kissed you?" He asked, I tried not to take him seriously because of his condition.
"And you're totally wasted." I joked, breaking the eye contact with him.
"No, but seriously, I've got that strong feeling that I want to kiss you right now."
"You have because you're drunk, you should get some sleep and we'll talk in the mo--" I was about to take my hand away from his and stand up, but he pulled it back which made me sit back down and I don't know how but that led us to be so dangerously close. Without any chance for me to try to get up again, I felt his lips already on mine and he started to move even closer. I didn't respond back, in fact I was trying to pull him away, but he was too strong. After more failed attempts, his grip loosened up which made me pull quickly away and without any second of thinking I slapped him right in his face. I didn't mean to do it, but he really gave me no choice but to do so. I can tell that he was shocked too at what I did.
"I think it's enough for me for today." I mumbled, taking my bag and quickly standing up.
"Wait!" I heard him calling but I was already on my way to the door. As I was stepping outside of the door his hand reached my arm and pulled me to stop me.
"I didn't mean to upset you I swear."
"Why are you acting like this? It's not the first time you ever fought with each other." I angrily said.
"I don't know what came over me, just please don't be mad at me. I can't risk losing someone else." He seemed like was almost begging me and his blue eyes were almost teary that it made me feel sad again but I couldn't just say it's fine because it wasn't.
"We'll talk later when you get your brain back." I said then I pulled my arm away from his hand then turned around and kept walking, but this time he didn't chase over me and I couldn't dare to look behind me a--
"Lame! How the hell did I come up with that shit?" I made a face at my laptop screen as I was taking the life out of the delete button.
It was a normal day at work- and yes, I actually go to work and have responsibilities to do. Even though I didn't own up to it very much lately. But still, I had to convince myself that it's better than to sit idly at home, or just waste my life hanging out with my friends because, shockingly, there's more to life than that. Of course, I'm not reaching the 'more' part whilst sitting at work, but at least it brings me money and money helps buying stuff and afford doing new things. I'd rather actually sit and count all the beneficial things I get out of working 'cause if I let myself think of other stuff for just a second I might as well just leave my office and risk something happening to me...like actually getting fired.
"It's like everything is coming from a cliché, sappy romance over here. What's wrong with me, seriously?" I asked no one in particular, glancing at another scene I had written a few months ago.
"You're talking to yourself for starters." Said a familiar voice, snapping me out of my maze of thoughts before I could delete any further. I looked up from my laptop screen, to find a smirking Daniel. I didn't even feel come in since I was too busy cringing at my own work.
"Haha, very funny." I faked a smile, bringing myself back to reality. "What do you want? I'm trying to get my head back in the game, regardless of how much of a failure that turned out to be." I rolled my eyes out at myself.
"I was thinking that we could hang out for a bit today?" He suggested, showing me his best puppy eyes.
"Hmm, sounds like a good idea but I think I'll pass." I pretended to think about it, hiding my smile.
"C'mon. Stop being mean." He gave me one final warning look. I sighed, getting up. I'm starting to think I have some serious issues, and not just anger. Everywhere I go, I just find ways to screw my relationships up with everyone whether by being an asshole, or doing the wrong thing.
We sat on the building's rooftop, a place I don't usually get to see much since I barely even make it to my office. But I must admit, it's nice. The rooftop overlooks the busy streets nearby, all these people with their stories that no one will get to know.
"You really look terrible today." Once again, Daniel snaps my head back to reality, handing me my cup of tea.
"And you sure know how to make a girl feel special." I said sarcastically, taking the cup from his hands.
"You know what I mean; I'm just hoping you'd finally drop the act and start being honest with me. Like, you know, what friends usually do." He dropped the friends' card just to make me feel bad, which worked.
"The point is;" I said, taking a sip from my tea. "I'm just really tired of feelings. Like, I'm really fed up of always complaining, and being emotional all the time. I just gotta find a way to stop these moments of over-thinking."
"Maybe it's because of the fact that you only just complain? You don't act on it, never do anything to change it." Daniel argued, pushing up his glasses.
How is he even sure that I didn't try? Do I look this hopeless to him?
"There's nothing for me to do! I'm already too deep in my fucked-upness to solve or redo anything. I wish there could be a real life redo button, that would be cool though." I found myself fantasizing about all the thing I could've done differently with just a switch of a button. I could've been a successful rich writer by now!
"Only that there's no a real-life redo button, you have to be true to yourself and find a way to fix things the way they are right now." He said, quickly crushing my fantasies in a blink of an eye, as he leaned on the fence and rested his head on the palm of his hands.
"If only that was easy," I chuckled, resting my cup on the fence.
"You can at least start somewhere least difficult." Optimistic Daniel strikes again.
"Is this where you tell me to share my permanent unfinished book with you? 'Cause it's getting kinda old." I rolled my eyes, feeling like my legs were getting kinda numb from standing.
"Since you already gave up on the whole thing, why just throw it away and start over? Why are you so overprotective over something you don't want to be bothered with anymore?" His eyes were sparkling as there was this challenging tone in his voice.
"Because, my dearest friend, I got through so much crap and the only thing that made me survive is the escape of writing it. It helped me so much I didn't even realize it until now." I smiled honorably.
It's true. I say I'm lost now, but without every single word I had written, nothing I'll ever try to do in this world would ever matter. I know I don't take it seriously most of the time, and I always complain about how badly I write. But I've been wanting to publish a book ever since I was 12, I leave people in awe with nothing but simple scrap of random thoughts. Imagine what I would do with a whole book?
If only writing a book was as simple as writing some random thoughts...
"What changed, then?" Daniel asked, reminding me that we were still arguing.
"I did. Like I said, I'm tired of feelings. Everything that made me enjoy it the most was how connected with my emotions I was while writing it. Now I only just overthink, but it's not enough anymore to give me the same old passion." I was staring outside while talking; lowkey just didn't want to make eye contact with him while I'm 'shockingly' opening up. Only to find his hand reaching my shoulder that was facing him, which made me have to glance at him.
"I know this sounds impossible to you, but can you trust me? As one of the rarest friends of yours that can tolerate your mean attitude for that long, you owe me that much." I know he didn't want to make the whole thing sound so serious, hence the jokes he kept throwing here and there, which I really appreciate. And now that I think about it, he's right; the book is of no use to me if I don't have it in me to work on it anymore.
I sighed, can't believe I'm actually on the verge of being convinced. "What're you gonna do with it anyways?"
"I'll give it a read, and I know that I'll never be able to bring that same old passion you were so attached to, but maybe I can give you a new good enough one to get you by." I stared at him for a while, it's actually harder for me to say it more than I ever imagined. His gaze is making it even harder to refuse, I've always wanted to give in and trust someone to give me a hand but also ignoring the problem always seemed a lot easier.
"Fine. But if you got halfway through the thing and realized it's an absolute garbage, I'll have to say I told you s-" Before I could even continue, he jumped excitedly and threw his arms around me.
"Awww! I can't believe you finally agreed! Oh God, I might actually tear up." I couldn't help but laugh at his goofiness, I patted his back and let him enjoy the moment before I pulled him away.
"Stop now before I lose my position as the meanest editor of the month in the company." I joked.
"Pssh, don't worry sweetie, you will never lose it. You cling to it the way a child cling to his mother at a supermarket." I playfully hit his arm; faking being hurt.
"Speaking of being clingy, where's our mighty boss at? It's been a while since I saw him too." Daniel started after we fell in silence. I gave him a look after realizing he was talking about Steve.
"He's technically not our boss; his book is finished so his work is temporarily done here. And since when is Steve clingy?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Aw, c'mon, you don't see how he comes here just to see you?" He asks, creepily winking at the end of his sentence.
"Maybe it's because we're friends?" I said, rolling my eyes out. Why does he sound so sure?
"And that's what being delusional sounds like."
"What are you impl-"
"Look who's having a tea party without me!" Steve's voice rang through the place, despite it being an open one, interrupting the conversation.
"Speak of the devil," Daniel whispered to me before following my gaze to Steve.
"I was about to leave anyways; I have a book to review." He said the first part to both of us, and the second one for me to hear with yet another wink at the end. I rolled my eyes again, even though I wanted to know more about what Daniel 'think' he knows I know I won't take it out from him anytime soon.
"How's my favorite editor doing?" Steve said with a smirk, walking closer to me. It never stops amazing me how quickly he changes his personalities. Exactly a few days ago he was all sincere and nice to me, and now he's back to all cheeky and flirty like nothing happened. But I guess I got used to him like that by now, he does and show all this stuff and then suddenly he goes back to his old self.
"Oh, you know, I've been better." I replied, shrugging all these thoughts off.
"Still having drama?" He asked, probably referring to what we talked about last time.
"When did I ever stop having drama?" I asked sarcastically, mentally face palming myself. "But no, nothing happened since the last time you saw me." I added with a ghost of a smile.
"Good, I have some good news actually." He smiled widely. "Since our translated book worked out so well for us, we've got another project coming our way, and it's gonna benefit both our companies so well!"
"That's actually amazing!" For the first time in a while I smiled, feeling hopeful about something in my life.
"I know, right? More time to spend with me, how exciting." He smirked. I didn't bother to glare at him, instead I found myself giggling.
"As surprising as it may sound, I don't hang out with anyone as much as I hang out with you lately." As soon as I said it, I realized how true it was. Every time I find myself in a crisis or having issues, Steve would be there to save the day, even if he didn't know there was a problem to begin with.
"I should be getting used to you being nice to me by now, but it actually never gets old." He slightly shook his head with a smile still playing on his face.
"I should stop then." I said, pulling my tongue out at him like the child I am. "When will we start, boss?"
"This very next week,"
"Aw, seriously? My birthday is next week." I pouted. "Not that I'd celebrate it or anything, I hate birthdays anyways." I quickly continued because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It's true, though, birthdays are not my thing.
What's so good in a day where everyone just fakes their love for you to make you feel better for yourself?
I'd actually rather spend it alone, than be with a company that makes me feel the same way.
"What? Why didn't you tell me this before!" Steve asked, looking genuinely bothered that he didn't know such an important info.
"Like I said, I hate birthdays. Why would I?" I replied. Steve let out a sigh in frustration.
"Fine, since you probably won't like me getting you any presents how about I just make the project start after your birthday, hmm?" He said after a moment of looking like he was thinking hard.
"As weird as it sounds but I don't actually mind working." I shrugged. It was seriously no big deal to me, working was going to benefit me more than my own birthday anyways.
"C'mon, Jade. For me?" Steve insisted. I didn't understand why would he insist that much since delaying the project even for a day could not be in our favor, and he's willing to risk that for a birthday I don't even like?
"Look, I know it may sound inconvenient to you, but I just feel like I owe you that much for giving our friendship a chance." He smiled, his eyes filled with hope. This time his smile wasn't a cheeky or a flirty one, just a genuine smile, which made me find myself unable to refuse any longer because it looked pretty clear how much he wanted this.
"No, Steve, forget it." And yet, that's what I found coming out of my mouth. Before I know it, I was storming out, right back to my office and closing the door shut behind me. I stood there for a good couple of minutes as my back was slightly resting on the door, guilt was already starting to build up inside of me, but it was too late to fix this uncalled for action that I did. It's like there's no control over my body, I think about one thing and I say the other. I really wanted to accept his offer; I don't want to be always remembered as the grumpy adult that no one likes, but I'm clearly showing zero effort for wanting to change that.
I sighed deeply, making my way to my chair with some dramatic fall. I felt my phone vibrate on my desk, when I checked it I found a text from Candice telling me to come hang out with them after work. I honestly had no time or energy to just fully sit and talk heart to heart with any of them about what's been going on lately, and so I couldn't possibly refuse to come since she doesn't even know there's any problem to begin with. Anyways, it may be a good idea to keep my mind off things. I texted her a thumbs up emoji and locked my phone.
It was very tempting to keep trying to ignore my true thoughts, so that's exactly what I did. I opened my laptop again and continued editing the failure that is my book.
As hours passed by, I realized that my working hours were long finished, and I stayed way more than I intended to. Remembering that I have to send my book to Daniel, I emailed him the book and closed my laptop.
-
I went back home later, but it was empty. Which means that either Marlene stayed at one of the girls' house, just like she's been doing the past couple of days or...honestly I don't know what else she'd be doing. I'm supposed to feel something about this, right? They hit it off right away and started to hang out regularly, I mean, I'm aware that I get invited and refuse or postpone for having yet another 'drama' of my own. I don't blame them anyways, Marlene here wasn't at all troubling, she seemed really anxious and doubtful at first and then she came around after getting to know everyone. We didn't talk about that night when I found her again, but it looks like she's already getting her shit together step by step.
I grabbed one of the bottles of whisky that were placed on the counter. Without even bothering to grab a cup along the way, I opened the bottle and took a long sip from it while making my way to the couch.
Not to sound like a broken record, but my life really sucks. I have opening up issues because as for every time I try to do that, it either comes out me pushing people away and ruin it eventually or turn into an insult machine. I don't even know how I manage to do it. Ever since I broke up with Jack and my emotions are always messed up, I say the wrong things and distance myself from everyone even the ones that I need to be close to the most. I'm on bad terms with everyone. And now Steve, the guy that's been there for me whether he knew what was going on or not. I rarely appreciate everything he's trying to do for me, I don't even ask him about his life, or his feelings and he doesn't complain about it. Meanwhile me, everything must be about me and my messed-up feelings. God, when did I become so inconsiderate and self-centered? I don't get why he hasn't given up on me yet, I would've.
While I was lost in my trace of thoughts, I felt the door slowly being opened and closed with the same pace. My head snapped to the direction of the door to find Marlene there, walking to the living room until she saw me sitting in the dark.
"Oh, you're awake! I thought you'd fallen asleep by now, so I used your spare key to not bother you."
"Nope, still awake." I replied with a smile. Marlene smiled back, but her face turned troubled, taking the state that I was in. She sat next to me on the couch, looking at the bottle that I just took another sip from.
"I was just with the girls actually." She stated, deciding not to ask me anything right away.
I raised my eyebrow as if I didn't already predict it. "Really?"
"Yeah, they were helping me find a new job and then we hung out a little before heading home. They're really sweet and fun to be around." She said excitedly as she went on about how her day went. At least someone's life is less shitter I suppose, but I wasn't up for being excited about anything I didn't even bother acting happy/excited.
"They sure are." I mean, sure, they didn't even mention anything about looking for a job for her. It's a good thing that they're helping out even though she's technically my responsibility since I'm the one who brought her here. But as I said earlier, I always bail or postpone for my own selfish reasons and drama.
"Jade, what's wrong? You don't look so good." Marlene finally asked the million-dollar question.
"So I've been told today." I chuckled, remembering Daniel's remark earlier.
"Is it about Niall?"
"Someone's been doing their research." I said, sounding impressed.
"No one told me anything by the way, it's just a hunch of what I've been seeing these past few days." I stayed silent. I don't know, is it about Niall anymore?
"Do you remember when you first found me at the bar? I told you then that I had a friend that bailed on me when I needed him the most?" She asked, and I'm guessing there's gonna be a moral story she'll give out of this.
"Yeah?"
"Well...Ashton wasn't 'just' a friend, not to me at least. I had all this family drama with my asshole of a stepdad on my plate then the second I land my eyes on him and it's like all is good in the world again." She breathed out a laugh, as if she was remembering how things were.
"He had this laugh that could be played on repeat and I'd never complain. He was the best distraction I've ever had from all these sad days and thoughts, although I never really admitted because I didn't wanna sound too weak to him but even the fact that he would take me to our favorite pizza place next to the bar, just to cheer me up when I feel like crap, meant the world." She said while whipping a tear that slipped from her eyes.
"I called him a prick that night because I was mad at myself, the truth is that he tried so much to let me open up to him and it only led to me falling for him harder and it scared the fuck out of me. I was scared that if I let him in and trusted him that he'd give up on me and leave, he wanted to help me find home and a new job but I didn't want his help which, as if it was his last straw, drove him away from me. I never regretted anything more in my life than that night."
"I don't know what type of relationship you had with him nor how things are now, I just feel like life's too short to be insecure and live your whole life living miserably alone, at least that's how I imagine myself ending up anyways." I found myself smiling at her, genuinely this time. The similarities between us scared me, even with the feeling of ending up alone crap but I didn't want to show it.
"I've had a long day I'm gonna sleep now, you should too." She gave me a quick a hug with a kiss on my forehead, and then she left.
And again, I was left alone with me and my thoughts. I sighed in frustration, burying my face in my hands.
God knows how much I didn't want to ruin it with Niall, but everything I do seems to be getting me to this direction anyways, like I don't have any control over my fate or that's what I've been trying to tell myself to sleep better at night. Niall didn't even promise me anything, so I better consider thinking whether I got this mad at him for getting with his ex-fiancée that cheated on him with another guy or because he still didn't choose me over her? For all I know he really had no idea what he was saying, and I was leaving the possibility there for nothing.
I know that the easiest way out is to do nothing and end up alone so that I won't have to change or try for anyone, it's hard changing the way you always were most of your life in a matter of days, but I don't want to be alone Goddammit.
The next thing I know, I picked up my phone and without giving it too much thought I dialed a number. For a second I was going to chicken out because it's late and he may be asleep or something, and it would be too embarrassing to leave a missed call at this hour. I was about to hang up, until he surprisingly picked up.
"Jade?" I heard his sleepy voice over the phone. I felt guilty already but what's done is done.
"Uh, hey. I know it's late but...I left things a bit tense between us, I shouldn't have been this defensive I don't know what's gotten into me." And for the first time since forever I actually said what was on my mind without ruining it.
"It's totally fine, I was kinda worried you'd stay mad at me forever or something though."
"Well...guess I finally realized that I'm stuck with you."
"That doesn't sound so bad, huh?" He breathed out a laugh.
"Anyways, I just wanted to let you know this." A smile was playing on my face as things are not gonna be so bad after all.
"Thank you for letting me know."
"Oh, and one last thing?" I paused before hanging up. "You're more than proven that our friendship deserved a second chance, Steve."
*
((Another)) A/N:
What did you think about this chapter?
What do you think will happen next?
And be honest: are you team Steve or team Niall? ;)
Don't hesitate to give any feedbacks, or just simply give this chap a vote. It will mean a lot!