The next time I wake up, I wake up in my boyfriend's arms.
Holy shit that's new.
Facing him, I slip my arm underneath my pillow, and have my other one on top of the blanket that's covering both of us. Though it's covering more of me than it is him, which gives me a perfect view of his bare chest. I can't help but admire the perfect, tanned, incredibly muscled chest.
Wow.
That's a sight I don't think I will ever get tired of seeing. Watching his chest move up and down with his even breathing, I can't help but think about how much I've always wanted this. How much I have always wanted him. It's almost surreal to know that he is in my bed, holding me, rather than my brother. I mean, never in my wildest dreams would this have happened, but it did.
Maybe real life can sometimes be better than dreams?
Watching his eyes move underneath his eyelids, I can't help but wonder what's going through his head as he sleeps. Is he having a dream? If so, what is he dreaming of? My eyes fall back down to his lips, unable to pull them away. I have always fancied looking at his lips, to better imagine what it may feel like to have them pressed against my own, but now that I have actually had them on mine, I know exactly how it feels.
And boy does it feel significantly better than I ever imagined it would.
My eyes slip back down to his chest, watching it rise and fall gently, the two sparrows sticking out at me. I can see the top part of the butterfly, which is usually the tattoo that my eyes draw to, but for once, the sparrows have caught my attention. I wonder what the significance behind them is; why he chose them specifically; why he decided on sparrows, and having them mirroring one another; and just how much they hurt.
My hand, with a mind of its own, apparently, slowly makes its way to the inked lines, permanently on his skin, and my fingers lightly trail across them. I feel the slight ridges and bumps from where the ink is set, imagining just how much they must have hurt to get. Granted, I have a feeling that my pain tolerance may be way lower than his, because I feel like I would completely cry if I were to get a tattoo, nevertheless on my chest.
I feel his breathing alter a bit and decide to stop, as I don't want to wake him up, but as soon as I set my arm back down on top of the blanket that covers us, he speaks.
"Don't stop," he whispers, his voice deep and slow and gravelly from sleep as his accent is significantly more pronounced, and I can't help but smile at the fact that I get to see and hear him like this. I bring my fingers back up and continue to lightly dance my fingers over all of the tattoos I can see, admiring them as I go.
"D-did they hurt?" I ask quietly, so as to not wake Nick who is most likely still asleep.
"Eh, nothing I can't handle," he says and smiles sleepily, obviously proud of himself. I can't help but smile at him, knowing just how brave he is. Even if they hurt terribly, I have a feeling he still would have gotten it, just to prove to himself that he could - not to mention the fact that he probably quite likes them. He is most definitely the strongest person I know.
"Th-they look like they h-hurt," I say as I trace my fingers across the butterfly, wincing a bit as I imagine the pain on such a sensitive spot.
He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer, forcing me to stop running my fingers across his skin and trapping my arm against his chest as he presses a kiss to my forehead.
"But you like looking at them don't you," he says with a light laugh in his voice, leaving me flushing red. So what if I like looking at them? He doesn't need to know that.
"N-No," I say lamely and duck my head down a bit as his chest bounces with laughter. He knows I'm lying, dammit.
"Liar," he accuses, leaving me unbelievably embarrassed. I don't say anything, beginning to feel a little bit guilty. I worry that he doesn't like me looking at him the way I do, and now I'm scared he might be upset with me, so I keep my head down, trying to shrink as much as possible.
Good going, idiot, he doesn't want you staring at him like a piece of meat. Way to ruin everything, just like always.
I begin to mentally scold myself, hating that I continuously make a fool of myself in front of him, and upsetting him in the first place. I really do not deserve him...
"Hey, c'mere," he says and rests his hand on my cheek, tilting my face up to meet his, "I love that you look at me the way you do. I love that I make you blush, and I really love that I get to admire you, as well. I just really love you, Ni," he says quietly, forcing me to look him in the eyes. I see the clarity in his tired green eyes as he tries to convince me that he rather enjoys how much I enjoy looking at him, and I feel my face heating up with a blush once his words fully seep in to my mind.
"Wh-what made you realize that you wanted t-to end it with Nick?" I ask, the question having been on my mind for a while. He takes a moment, thinking about my question and coming up with his answer, and I can see the gears turning in his mind.
He takes a breath before answering, "I knew it was time to end it with him when I realized that the pain I would feel if I were to ever see Nick kiss another person wouldn't come close, or even compare in the first place, to the pain I felt when I saw you kissing Toby," he admits and I see his cheeks dust pink as well, but mine burn bright red. I can feel the heat on my face, and I have no idea how to respond to that.
"W-wow," I breathe out, feeling my face burning.
"Yeah."
"U-Um..." I trail off, not knowing how to ask this next thing I want to know, and I see his eyebrow raise slightly as he waits curiously for my next question to come through.
"What?" He prods me on, but he doesn't sound impatient. If anything, he sounds more curious than anything else.
"Um...i-if I was still with T-Toby, w-would you and Nick ever have b-broken up?"
"Yes," he says with such a sense of surety in his voice that I wasn't expecting, my eyes going slightly wide.
"R-Really?"
"Of course. He and I both knew that I wanted you, and he wasn't upset about it anymore. I don't think. I hope not, but I do sometimes feel bad about leading him on, because I never wanted to hurt him, even though he knew that you and I were meant to be, so...here we are," he says and holds me a little tighter, but not so tight it hurts - just tight enough to make me feel like, for once in my life, I could actually be put back together.
"I-I thought you d-didn't want me," I whisper so quietly, I almost hope he doesn't hear me, but I know he does by the way his hand tightens on my waist, and his eyebrows furrow together.
"Why would you think that?"
"B-Because you'd say all this stuff about l-loving me and everything, b-but had never asked me t-to be your boyfriend, so I-I started thinking that m-maybe you didn't want that i-in the first place, a-and that you were g-going to find someone else, s-someone b-better," I tell him, getting emotional. I notice that my stuttering always gets worse when I'm getting emotional, so I generally do everything I can, everything in my power, to avoid getting emotional. And if I do end up getting emotional, I try to keep quiet about it.
He pulls me flush against him in an embrace, my head going into the crook of his neck as I feel my eyes glossing up as my chest constricts with emotion.
"Niall, love, I could never find someone better, nevertheless someone better. You are the best there is, Niall Horan, and I will love you with my entire life," he says gently and I feel a few tears slip over my cheeks, but hold him back regardless, "I have wanted you for too many years to let you slip by when I was so close to finally having you."
He pulls away from me slightly and runs his thumb over my cheek, lightly brushing away the tears that have slipped out.
"Please don't cry, baby," he pleads, his voice still a whisper, "I love you."
"I-I love you t-too," I whimper, wanting to stop crying but any attempts at ceasing are suddenly futile.
Curse me and my fucking emotions.
"Why are you crying, my love?" He asks as the back of his fingers lightly trail down my cheek bone to my jaw and going back up again.
"I j-just never thought th-that you w-would want me, e-especially now that I-I'm b-broken," I cry out, trying to be as quiet as possible as he does what he can to soothe me.
"I don't think you're broken, baby. You've just been through something incredibly awful, and you're healing from it. You are the strongest person I have ever met, Ni. You inspire me every single day and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you," he tells me sincerely, his eyes filled with love and sadness.
"I love you," I whisper, not knowing what else to say.
"I love you too, baby. What do you want to do today?" He asks, still stroking my face gently
"I-I don't know," I say honestly, "I-Is Nick still a-asleep?" I inquire, hoping I didn't wake him with all of my blubbering.
He peers over my shoulder to see, but furrows his brows, "No, he's not here," he states quite frankly, leaving me confused.
"What?" I ask and turn around, seeing that Nick is, in fact, not here, "Wh-where is he?"
"I'm not sure," he says and pulls out his phone, reading through something, "Oh, he texted me. He went out early and won't be back until dinner tonight."
"H-He never goes out e-early."
"I know, that's why I'm so confused."
"I-I'll call him," I say and reach for my phone. Dialing his number, I put him on speaker so the both of us can hear him.
"Hey, Ni, what's up?" He asks nonchalantly, as though this isn't unbelievably uncommon for him to do.
"N-Nothing, wh-where are you?" I ask, propping myself up on my elbows as Harry's fingers trail up and down my spine, leaving me shivering slightly. He shoots me a cheeky smile and a wink, but I just stick my tongue out at him. He sure does enjoy teasing me, knowing just how much of an effect on me he has.
"Um, I'm out. With Dustin. He wanted to take me out for breakfast so I had to wake up at 0 Dark Thirty," he says, his voicing growing a little louder, and I hear someone laughing in the background, "In order to get to this little diner he wanted to take me to."
"I-Is that him?" I ask curiously.
"Yeah, he's laughing at me. I'll be back for dinner, though. We're going to be out all day. But if you need me back sooner, just call me and I'll be there, okay?"
"O-Okay, I-I'll be fine. Have fun," I tell him.
"Thanks! Hello to Harry too because I'm sure he's listening!" He shouts into the phone and, even though he can't see me, I'm blushing suddenly.
"Hey! Have fun! We'll see you tonight!" Harry shouts back, making me jump a little bit at both the volume and the proximity to my face, "Oh, sorry baby I didn't mean to shout into your ear," he apologizes to me when he sees the scared look on my face.
"Hey! Be nice to my brother you twat!" Nick scolds loudly, making me laugh slightly at his sudden protectiveness.
"B-Bye Nick!" I shout and hang up, laughter bubbling out of me. Harry soon starts laughing when he sees me laughing, and we're dissolving into giggles.
"I miss hearing your laugh so much, Ni. You just...you look so pure and happy and perfect," he says to me, quieting down a bit as he brings his fingers up to trail on my cheek again, sending goosebumps straight down the entire right side of my body.
"I-I'm sorry," I apologize sheepishly, suddenly growing shy again. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.
"Why, love?"
"B-Because I've been so s-sad. I-I feel like I'm d-dragging you down all of the time," I admit shyly and lean my head back onto the pillow.
"You're allowed to be sad, you know that right? After everything, you're allowed to feel that way. You've been through a lot, and it's really affected you, but you're getting better. You're laughing more, you're smiling more, you're eating more, you're opening up a bit, and you're allowing yourself to love. You're making progress, that's really all any of us can ask of you. That's what is important.
Here, tell you what, how about we call the others over and then go out and do something. Or, we can just hang out, the two of us. Whatever you want. We can go skating again," he offers with a wink and I can't help but smile, blushing slightly at the memories of me embarrassing myself.
"N-No, I think I'm d-done with that for now," I tell him and he fake pouts, "B-But we can c-call the others and hang out?" I offer and he smiles again.
"Sure thing, let me give them a ring," he responds and dials someone's number.
"Hey Lou, wanna hang out today?...Yeah, Liam, too...Of course he's invited, why would I only invite you?...Yes, you are definitely my favorite...What? Sarcastic? Me? Nooo...you fuck off...alright, see you two soon," he says and hangs up, me watching with amusement the entire time.
"Th-that was crazy," I say with a laugh.
"That's Louis for you," he says and drops his phone down, "You want to call Zayn?"
"Y-Yeah," I pull out my phone and dial his number, waiting not so patiently for him to answer.
"Hey Ni, what's up?"
"D-Do you want to c-come hang out? Liam and L-Louis will be here soon."
"Yeah sure, when?"
"Um...n-now?"
"Give me ten minutes and I'll be up."
"Okay, s-see you soon," I say and hang up, smiling at Harry.
"I guess we should get dressed," Harry says and I realize he's still shirtless.
"I-I am dressed," I retort and he chuckles at me, kissing my forehead quickly.
"In yesterday's clothes. Come on, up and at 'em," he tells me as he climbs off my bed. When he's pulled on some pants, someone throws open the door and makes me jump in surprise, letting out a slight shout.
"We're here bitches," Louis says dramatically and notices me in the bed with my wide eyes and partially cowering under the blanket, "Sorry, did I scare you?" He asks sincerely.
"N-No, I'm fine, I-I promise" I lie, hoping he buys it. However, since he's Louis, he of course does not buy it. I can't get anything past him. Or Zayn, for that matter.
"Bullshit, Niall, you always stutter more when you're upset or lying," he points out. How the hell did he know? Is it that obvious?
"N-No I d-don't," I say, still lying.
"I'm sorry, Ni, I didn't mean to scare you. But yeah, you do stutter more when you're lying. I've noticed that quite a bit lately," he tells me, softening slightly. I must look so pathetic.
"H-How do you know I-I'm lying?"
"Because I'm a genius, duh," he says as though it's the most obvious thing in the world, making Harry and Liam chuckle. Louis turns to look at them, feigning offense, "Harold! Put on a shirt!"
"Hmm...Ni, baby, do you think I need to put on a shirt?"
"Y-Yes, I-I don't want to see th-that," I lie, pretending like he's ugly. Louis busts out laughing and Liam watches with an amused smile as I fight to keep one off of my own face at Harry's appalled expression.
Harry's face shows hurt, but the small smile on his lips shows that he's trying not to laugh, "You cut me, babe. You cut me real deep," he says and pulls a shirt on, the rest of us still laughing.
"I love you," I say cheekily and he can't help but smile warmly at me, before walking over to the edge of the bed, where I'm still hanging off, and kisses my lips. The others, and by that I mean Louis, are pretending to gag at the display, but Liam just smiles.
"I love you too. What do you want to do today?"
"I-I don't know," I answer truthfully.
"Hey lads," Zayn says walking into the room. Everyone greets him and start discussing what to do for the day. I'm feeling pretty social, and it's a Saturday, so I don't mind spending the day with everyone at the same time.
"W-We could go to the park," I suggest suddenly and everyone turns to look at me. Usually I've always been the one to suggest staying inside or whatever, but now I'm suggesting going outside where things and socializing happen, so they're a tad bit confused. Understandably.
"You want to go to the park?" Louis asks me, a bit baffled, and I nod.
"That's new," Liam says and chuckles a little, making me feel slightly shy. I'm not the same person they left five years ago, I've changed. Maybe not much, but I've still changed.
"Ni and I have gone to the park together quite a few times," Zayn says on my behalf, most likely thinking the other two are making fun of me or something, and he's getting a bit defensive.
"I think the park sounds like a great idea," Harry pipes up, attempting to diffuse whatever tension may potentially build between Zayn and the others.
I hop down from my bed and pull on a pair of jeans instead of my sweats, switch my t-shirt - not so afraid to be shirtless around others because my bruise is pretty far along in the healing process - and put on my trainers. Before I know it, I'm ready to go, as are the others.
We head out of the building, off campus, and make our way to the nearby park. One of the boys runs and grabs a football from their room, and I made sure to bring a book so I could read.
Just because I suggested the park doesn't mean I can't still read instead of participate.
Settling myself down at the base of a tree, I open up my book and begin to read until someone interrupts me by pressing their lips on mine.
My hand cradles his face and I kiss him back, feeling his curls tickling my forehead ever so lightly. I melt into him.
"I couldn't help myself," he tells me and kisses me again.
"H-Have fun, babe," I say and he smiles at me.
"How about I make this fun for you, too?" He offers, his eyebrow cocking with interest.
"Wh-what do you mean? R-reading is fun."
"You know what I mean. I'm thinking, how about every time I score a point, I come give you a kiss. Or you can just collect them all at once tonight," he says with a wink, making my eyes go wide and my cheeks tint pink.
"Harry, j-just go play," I urge him and he laughs before running off to meet the others who have been calling after him.
"I love you!" He shouts at me from where he's positioned on the field, and I can't help but laugh and shout it right back at him, without stuttering one bit.