Title: En Garde
Author: SIColorsOfTheRainbow
Reviewer: awesomeSTG
Summary/Blurb: 4/5
To be honest, I'm the type who gets attracted to a book especially when it's packed with pinches of humour. And that's why, in my opinion, your former blurb was better. But don't get me wrong though! I think your current blurb is also great, though quite basic and typical for a fantasy book with knights, monsters and magic. Personally, the stakes you placed at the end were pretty typical too—the good vs. ravaging evil and getting rid of it thing.
Revealing the stakes in a summary/blurb is one of the main essentials so that the reader will be able to know what's on the line, but sometimes, you need to hold a few things back. Yes, this is subjective, and a lot of different elements to help contribute to a hooking summary or blurb, but I think what you need best is to end yours with a captivating, tempting line from the characters, or a thought-provoking query that will only be answered when one gets to the near-climax or ending. It's one of those common, yet still highly effective. What do you think?
Description: 4/5
The way you wrote the description was pretty neat!
Maybe it's just me being picky and looking for more extraneous details, but your balance of show and tell was tilting a little more to the "telling" side. The actions of Emily and Luna were merely told, and even if there were some parts with the bandits and stuff that's supposed to make us feel the tension, my mind was just imagining a scenery with Emily—without the emotions. I couldn't feel her fear or anger or anxiousness from the screen.
I've also had this hazy feeling every time I read present tense actions. That's probably because most first person point of views are in past tense. But no biggie, everybody has their own writing style!
You balanced Emily's narration, about what she thinks and does, without the excessive monologuing I often find in other first person stories. I seriously didn't notice this before when I was writing in first person, but now I knew that it's essential—it can bore readers out of their wits.
That's why reading this was a breath of fresh air and an inspiration for me. Great job here!
Grammar: 3/5
1. "Do you have any necrosomin?" She asks.
2. "I'm Luna," She says.
Okay, stare intently the two sentences. We'll be tackling verbal tags, and I noticed that even though you ended Luna's statement in a comma, the 'She' was capitalized. This shouldn't be. Why? Because the verbal tag indicated that the sentence is not finished yet, hence the comma. The first statement is also the same, and the question mark doesn't change anything. Be careful though, I noticed some of your sentences end in a comma even though there's no verbal tag.
3. "W..What?" I stammer.
Yeah, this is about the usage of ellipses. It should consist of three [...] periods, no more, no less.
4. 'The sun is has risen above the horizon.'
I think this was on Chapter 2. I suggest you remove the 'is' here. Also, I think you're beginning to switch to past and present tense here, no? Risen is past, right?
'As the sun rises above the horizon...'
Or:
'The sun rises above the horizon...'
Hmm, which one's better?
5. 'It's bright and early, though, so I don't need to worry...'
I noticed your commas. You're using them excessively, even though there are times when one isn't supposed to pause. In my opinion, the 'though' isn't needed, or the comma after 'early' needs to be removed.
6. 'She looks back up at me as she takes the basket from me...'
Hmm, it sounds pretty repetitive—if you ask me. Maybe try:
'She looks back up at me as she takes the basket from my hands.'
What do you think?
7. 'I, and the other vendors..'
I don't think you should place the narrator first when you're stating it this way. 'I' should always be placed at last.
'The other vendors and I...'
Other than those, you're already great in grammar usage!
Characterization: 4/5
I was in love with the way you portrayed Luna! You made her appear mysterious, but at the same time, caring. Even though the POV revolves around Emily, something in me craves for more of those sweet encounters and talks, hopefully in Luna's point of view—if ever you plan on switching in the future.
Speaking of Emily, I'm a little stumped about her presence because there's only a bit of info about her, nor any hint of distinctive personality that can make me distinguish her from others. I still don't have a concrete image of what she looks like, but no sweat, it's still the beginning. Her character is a little hollow, but maybe this is because there was no major trigger for character development just yet. Hopefully, the trigger I'm talking about is her soon-to-be encounter with the guild and it's members. (Other than Luna of course.)
Plot: 5/5
I'll make this one short. Because your story is still on it's fourth chapter, the plot is a little vague, though thanks to the summary providing info, I'm able to piece out a few theories. Perhaps someone powerful—royalty—will come seeking for their help, and fame would skyrocket. Nobles might run out of options and choose them as the final line of defence, all in order to make some openings to an adventure. I'm just guessing blindly, I'm sorry...
What I'm saying is that you'll never know what the unexpected twists and turns are, but I'm tempted, fascinated and hooked enough to know more!
Realism: 3/5
It's just an opinion of mine, but I think I need to point out a rather strange scene. It was in chapter 2, when Emily bothered to sneak out at night and ventured into a cave on the underside of a cliff.
Why did she do that? I mean, I knew about the bulbs she wanted to use as decoration, but did she really have to do it at night, or was this something simply used to create an 'interaction time' with Luna? The first chapter clearly said that the nighttime version of the forest is taboo—filled with vicious monsters and vampires that'll sic her more than rabid dogs do.
She could've just collected those bulbs early in the morning, or right before sunset after her herb-gathering, right? There was no proper explanation on why that scene really had to happen at night, so I was confused.
OVERALL SCORE: 23/30
Hello! Thank you so much for choosing me—again. And even though it was a short array of chapters, I enjoyed the read. I'm so sorry it took such a long time for me to finish this, I really am.
The final advice I can give to you is about the commas. To know if they're placed in the proper positions, read them aloud. Haha, I tried that, and it's a little embarrassing, but hey, it's effective. I hope you are satisfied with my review, and please be reminded that this critique is purely subjective and may vary from one reviewer to another.
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