I'm dead?
I died?
The fork I was holding audibly clanked when I dropped it on the plate. Nakauwang ang labi at nanlalaki ang mga mata. My chest feels tight and I feel like something was squeezing my heart painfully.
I feel like the walls in this room were closing in and my vision was getting darker. My whole world spun that I had to grip on the table to keep myself from falling.
I heard the screeching of the chair followed by hasty footsteps. Hands held my arm and I heard Noah asked, "Kinsley, are you okay? May masakit ba sa'yo?"
Hindi ako makasagot. Nanatili ang isip ko sa narinig na balita. Fabienne Leona Sloan died yesterday. Papaano? Paano ako namatay? Anong nangyari? At kung namatay ako, bakit nasa katawan na ito ang kaluluwa ko?
"Jakob, tubig," utos ni Noah. Wala ako narinig na nagsalita pero narinig ko ang pag-atras ng upuan.
"Kinsley, namumutla ka," Noah said again but I still didn't say anything.
Bumalik si Jakob dala ang isang pitcher ng tubig. Orange juice kasi ang nasa hapag. Maya-maya pa ay inabot niya ito kay Noah. Noah's the one who handed it to me.
"Uminom ka, Kinsley."
I inhaled sharply and shook my head. I pushed the glass away from me. I don't need water. I need to know more about my death.
"Paano mo nalaman? How did she die? Are you sure she's dead?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko rito.
"Drink and I'll answer your questions," Noah gravely said.
I clenched my jaw but I still did what he said anyway. Kinuha ko ang baso mula sa kanya at masigasig na ininom 'yon. I emptied its contents para masaya siya.
"Tss. I don't know why you're so interested." He rolled his eyes. Bumalik siya sa kinauupuan niya kanina at ganoon din naman si Jakob.
"Tell me," I urged.
Noah frowned and paused as if recollecting the details in his head. "The night of September 28, she fell from the fifth floor of the engineering building and was said to be found by her ex-boyfriend, Silver. Naisugod pa siya sa hospital pero kahapon nag-announce na ang pamilya niya na namatay ito."
"She fell from the fifth floor?" I incredously asked.
Kinsley's brother nodded. "They said she slipped. The whole story is posted on a Facebook page somewhere. It's even on the news since her family's big time. They own the several branches of that famous hospital, Mary Clair Medical Hospital."
I scoffed. "Slipped?"
"There are rumors that she probably... committed suicide," Noah whispered the last two words.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. I suddenly feel violent and defensive. Of course, I am! I am being accused of suicide. "I would never!"
"Kinsley..." maingat na sabi ni Noah. Malalim na ang simangot niya pero may bakas ng pag-aalala sa mga mata.
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at pilit na kinalma ang sarili. I have to careful with my outbursts. Kinsley. I'm in Kinsley's body. If I keep suggesting that I'm a different person, they'll worry about my mental condition at baka hindi sila magdalawang isip na ipadala ako sa mental hospital.
"Sorry. I'm sensitive to that topic," I lamely excused.
Noah's facial expression softened. Sadness crossed his eyes but he quickly hid it. Maybe he didn't want to show any sign of weakness. Ipinagpatuloy niya na lang ang pagkain ng pasta.
I looked at my own plate. May laman pa ito pero nawalan na ako ng gana. Who would still have the stomach to eat if you found out that you're dead?
Oh, wala nga pala. Dahil kapag namatay ka, walang kasiguraduhan kung malalaman mo pa 'yon. What am I doing here then? Shouldn't I be a ghost and then ascend into heaven or something? Why am I residing this body? Is it a glitch in the system?
And why am I at the fifth floor at the night of September 28? Ano bang meron nung araw na 'yon? If my schedule's right, gabi ang klase ko. If I fell then bakit si Silver ang makakakita ng katawan ko? My classmates for that night should have witnessed my fall and be the firsts to see me. Silver, really? Of all people, siya pa talaga ang nakahanap sa katawan ko?
Unless I fell way past our dismissal time? Nasa likod ng building ang parte ng room namin para sa araw na 'yon. Wala masyadong tao roon at halos bakante na ang mga rooms dahil sa oras. The only reason why our room is located there is because it's a laboratory subject.
I have to see the place. I have to know where I fell. Maybe I can remember something. Maybe I can remember what happened that night. I just need to know.
"Pwede na ba akong pumasok bukas?" mahinahon na tanong ko. Umangat ang mga mata ni Noah sa akin.
Sumimangot siya. "You should rest."
"I'm done resting. I want to go to school."
"Mom asked the doctor about it. Kung kaya mo naman, pwede ka nang pumasok. He said familiar environment will help you regain your memory," paliwanag ni Noah sa akin.
I nodded. "Papasok ako."
He heavily sighed in resignation. "I'll tell Mom about it."
Bumalik ako sa kwarto matapos kumain. I immediately searched about Fabienne Leona Sloan's death. There were several articles. There was a post of condolences on the official page of my university's swimming team. A photo of mine was even attached to the post.
My visions blurred. I'm dead. I'm really dead. Hindi ako makapaniwala pero ngayong binabasa ang mga post na ito ay napatunayan ko na totoo nga. I died.
After a few more browses, I opened one article. The title states 'Mary Clair Medical Hospital Heiress Falls To Death'.
On September 28 9:10PM, Fabienne Leona Sloan's body was found by a friend named Silver Mondragon.
Fabienne was still alive but in critical condition upon arrival at the nearest UST Hospital. After hours in the emergency room, she was briefly placed in ICU before being immediately transferred to Mary Clair Medical Hospital only to be proclaimed dead on the next day.
Investigation found that Fabienne's bag was found at the laboratory located at the fifth floor of the university's engineering building. Although her medical reports already showed the sign of falling, this further confirmed that she fell from the fifth floor. Other than the confirmation of her death, the family refuses to give any further statement.
My family. I've almost forgotten about my family. How are they dealing with my death? Are they mourning over me? Kamusta si Mama? How about my father? Ang kapatid ko?
They must be so angry, having to lose me so suddenly and without any goodbyes. Bigla ko silang iniwan. I can imagine my mother's heartbreaking wails.
My father... He tried so hard to keep me safe. We kept our family business private. Being the daughter of one of the powerful men in the Philippines wasn't disclosed to the public because we were trying to avoid attracting unwanted attention. His position attracts enemies and he didn't want eyes on us, his children.
He must be blaming himself right now. That his task is to protect the country but he couldn't even protect his own daughter from death.
My younger brother, Flynn... He must be so angry. I know him so well. He probably locked himself up in his room to prevent others from seeing him grieve.
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata. I can imagine him screaming in frustration and throwing his things around the room, just like he always does when he's mad at the world. Sumikip ang puso ko roon. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko sa aking mukha.
I'm dead and I don't know my own truth. Hindi ko alam sa sarili ko kung paano ako namatay at hindi ko 'yon matanggap-tanggap.
Thinking about it gave me the motivation I needed. Kailangan kong tibayan ang loob ko. I still have to find out what's happening. To do that, I have to go to where it happened. Maybe being there will give me a clue somehow.
The next morning, kasabay ko si Noah pumasok. He also gave me a copy of my schedule. I wasn't familiar with the subjects but I think I can wing it.
I planned to head straight to the engineering building but Noah insisted on walking me to my room. Wala akong nagawa at napilitan um-attend ng klase.
A few people's stares lingered on me, as if they know something's weird, but then I realized maybe they heard how Kinsley commited suicide and failed.
I was used to getting some looks back when I was in my own body, so this didn't bother me anymore. I just ignored them and diverted my attention to the professor.
After my class, I received a text message from Penelope. Pen lang ang pangalan niya sa phone ko. I opened it.
Pen:
Hi. Your kuya told me na pumasok ka. Sabay tayong maglunch nila Maqui, ha? Sunduin kita sa room mo!
Hindi na lang ako sumagot. I hid my phone and decided to skip Kinsley's next subject. It's not like one absence will hurt her record. Babawi na lang ako sa susunod.
Nagmamadali akong naglakad patungo sa engineering building. My heart was beating frantically loud as the elevator halted at the fifth floor. Halos hindi na ako makahing habang naglalakad paikot ng building para puntahan ang lugar kung saan ako bumagsak.
I immediately saw the flowers and candles that were placed on the floor from a distance. I gulped hard. My knees were shaking as I walked towards it.
Napasinghap ako nang makita ang mukha ko sa isang malaking picture frame. The whole thing looked like a shrine because of the flowers and candles. There were other stuff,too. May medals na siguro ay galing sa swimming team at mga envelope na tingin ko ay mga sulat para sa akin.
I brought my eyes back to the photo. On the picture, I was wearing a white dress. I looked so carefree, smiling brightly at the camera with the sunlight escaping behind me.
Nasa harap ko na pero hindi ko pa rin matanggap na patay na ako. I bit my lip hard. The denial inside me is too strong. My eyes watered as I continued staring at the shrine. I had to look away or I'll end up crying.
I transferred my gaze to the railing. I breathed in hard before slowly walking towards it. Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang iangat 'yon at hinawak sa bakal.
I closed my eyes and my jaw clenched. I have to stop being emotional and look for clues. I have to think rationally about this.
Huminga ako nang malalim at muling ibinukas ang mga mata. I brought my gaze to the railing and glared at it.
The height of the railing was safe. I'm positive that the measurement is the required size or else it won't be approved. This is a private learning institution. I'm sure the students' safety is a priority so the place must meet the safety standards.
Mataas ito at imposibleng basta ka lang mahuhulog. If I was walking at this hall, I'd be walking at the center and not by the railings. Pwedeng sabihin na nakasandal ako sa bakal dahil may tinitingnan ako, but then it's night time when it happened. Anong titingnan ko rito? It doesn't make sense.
Suicide is impossible. I know myself. I love my life and I don't have any reason to die. I love my family and I have friends. My academic status is exceptional and I'm active in other extracurricular activities. I've never questioned myself worth or purpose in life. I don't have any problems. Imposible.
If I did slip though, like what they assumed, my hips will only hit the metal then I'll bounce back on the ground. Unless... Unless I was pushed.
Images flashed in my head like lightning. My back was pushed forcefully against the cold metal railing. I was being choked but I failed to see anything but a pair of arms. I tried to claw the hands away but its grip around my neck was too strong. My vision spotted with black until I ran out of air. As I was slipping out of consciousness, it felt like I was floating. I experienced brief pain and then I was out.
I violently gasped as I stared at the ground. I can see myself there, my body lying on the ground with blood flooding the surface behind me. My eyes were wide and my lips were parted as I heaved with terror.
Someone pushed me.
My body jump and a small shriek escaped me when a hand touched my arm. I clutched on my chest to catch my heart and quickly turned my body around in reflex.
Si Jakob. His forehead was creased and he looked genuinely confused as he looked at me. Binawi niya ang kamay na nakahawak sa braso ko.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit na kinalma ang dibdib.
"You scared me! Anong ginagawa mo rito?"
"ME student ako. This is our building. Ikaw, anong ginagawa mo rito?" He squinted his eyes at me. He emphasized the last word.
I pursed my lips, not knowing what to say. He continued glaring at me, waiting for my answer. I feel so intimidated under his scrutiny. I looked away.
"I just wanted to check something..." I vaguely replied.
He let out a deep breath. I glanced at him again. When I realized he wasn't staring at me anymore, I allowed myself to stare. He's checking his watch and he was looking around like he was looking for someone.
Malapit siya sa akin kaya kitang-kita ko na ang buong mukha niya. Habang tumatagal ay parang mas lalo siyang gumagwapo. The small dot under his eye caught my attention. That made him look more handsome, really.
Really, Fabienne? Thinking something as superficial as that, right on the spot where you fall to your death?
Huminga siya nang malalim at bumalik ang mga mata sa akin. "May susunod akong klase. Go back to your class."
Hindi niya hinintay ang sagot ko at mabilis na umalis sa harapan ko. Napanguso ako roon. Alam niya na nag cut ako? Does that mean he knows Kinsley's schedule?
Lumilipad ang isip ko habang nakasakay sa elevator pababa ng building. The images that played in my head... Totoo kaya 'yon? If that's true, then that means someone killed me. It wasn't just a freak accident. It's murder.
Lutang pa rin ako nang makalabas ng elevator. I had no direction in mind as I walked. I feel like I was going to die of heart attack when a hand gripped on my arm. Seriously. Ilang beses ba ako magugulat ngayong araw?
I turned my head to see who it was. It was Maqui.
"Kanina pa kita tinatawag. Hindi mo ako narinig?" nakatawang tanong nito sa akin.
"Sorry. I was thinking about something," sagot ko rito.
Tumango lang siya. "Ano palang ginagawa mo dito? You still have class, right?"
Does everybody know Kinsley's schedule? But then again, this is her friend. Paniguradong lagi silang magkasabay kumain. Jakob on the other hand though...
"May tiningnan lang."
Maqui measured me with his stares. "Si Jakob?"
That again. I remember the same way Noah meaningfully looked at me when he asked if I remembered Jakob. Pati ang pagtawa at sinabi ni Pen. What's up with that?
"Anong meron kay Jakob?"
Tumawa si Maqui. "Patay na patay ka kasi sa kanya."
"Really? Naging kami ba?" I asked with wide eyes.
He snorted. "You wish."
I didn't comment any further. Kinsley's feelings are none of my business. "May klase ka rin ba?"
"Yeah." Maqui chuckled and looked at his hand. Hawak niya ang phone doon. I think he checked the time. "I'm way past gracing period. Absent na yata ako. Samahan na lang kita tumambay. You can ask me things about yourself."
Ngumiti ako at tumango. "Okay."
Maqui began walking. I followed him. Nag-umpisa na siyang magkwento pero muling bumalik ang nasa isipan ko kanina.
Somebody killed me and I have to find out who. I have to remember... before it's too late.