Mirrors- Justin Timberlake
"'Cause I don't wanna lose you now. I'm looking right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart. Is a space that now you hold. Show me how to fight for now. And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out. You were right here all along."
-
Jake P.O.V.
I'm on the edge. I know I am. She's with him. Leaving with him has caused me physical and mental pain. I black out most of the time when I'm angry. I need to control my anger more, or she'll never want me.
She doesn't want me. If she wanted me, she would of left with ME, not him. I knew I should of never trusted Martinez with having Marcus watching over her. Of course he's into her, she's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
My phone buzzes off as I drive aimlessly around town. I don't know where I'm going, and I kind of don't care.
I answer without looking at the phone, and I hope it's Dawn.
"I'm surprised you answered with the way you ran out the door like that." Serena says through my phone. Shit. I can't handle her right now. I can't handle myself really.
Why did I kiss her back? I'll blame it all on the lack of affections I've yearned for Dawn, but it doesn't dispel my hypocritical actions of Dawn doing the exact same thing. I lashed out, and Dawn didn't. I mean she doesn't know about the apparent kiss, but I have to tell her soon. If there is even an us after what I did to her.
"What do you want?"
"Why'd you kiss me?" Her voice small and so unlike her.
"You kissed me first."
"You and I both know you leaned in halfway. You could of stopped me like before, but instead you pushed on." I stay silent at her true words, "You can't deny on what you feel Jake."
"What do you want me to do Serena?" I whine, "I'm telling you honestly I don't feel anything. You don't listen."
"I want you to be honest with yourself and me. I want you to kiss me and not think of Dawn. Then we'll both know if it's real. Because how you kissed me today wasn't you. You weren't there. I could feel it."
"It's not fair to you if I go and kiss you. It's not fair for her either."
"One more kiss Jake, and I'll leave you alone. I swear of it. I'll never bother you again. I'll never bring up the past. I promise." She nearly cries over the phone.
What am I to do? Dawn dismissed me, and a girl that I used to be in love with wants me. She still wants me with all these years separated. Should I still give her the chance? What if I'm making a mistake waiting around for Dawn? What if it's a waste of time?
How could you think that? She's everything I've dreamed of and more, but Serena's making me second guess everything at this moment, and I can feel myself drive towards her neighborhood without even thinking. Is this logical? What would Dawn think if she were to know what I was doing? Would she hate me?
No she doesn't care. She left with Marcus, she told you she was afraid of you. Why would she want to be with someone that she is afraid of?
"I'm five minutes away." I say solemnly.
"Okay." I can hear her smile a mile away. I end the call shortly after.
I squeeze my hands against around my steering wheel, and I wince. The cuts on my hands of beating Dawson up have reopened from Marcus. It's a reminder of my failure. If I wasn't so violent, I wouldn't be in this mess of confusion.
If I never went after Dawson, I would be wrapped with Dawn in a blanket at her home. My home.
Before I know it, I'm in front of Serena's house. She's already waiting for me at her front porch. A soft smile plays at her lips, making me think of those smiles we shared when we were younger, but the smile is replaced with Dawn's.
Stop. If this is going to work. You have to stop thinking about her for ten seconds!
Serena walks up to my car, and I leave my vehicle. We are only about a foot apart before I move in for the kiss. Her lips are softer then when we kissed earlier today. Her hands wrap around at the nape of neck of hair. My hands are limp, until I force myself to connect around her hips.
I wish I could enjoy this. Not because I want to, but because it would be easier to get over someone like Dawn. There it is. It didn't take long for her to creep back into my thoughts. Her smile, her laughter, and her kisses invade my thoughts. I pull back abruptly from Serena, and she whines for more of my lips.
"No, no." I push her back. "We can't. I can't. I don't feel anything for you, Serena. Not anymore."
"You can't do this to me Jake." She cries. Her hands try to hover over mine, but I let go of her shoulders.
"We had a deal. I kiss you and see how I feel. I don't feel anything."
"You thought of her didn't you!? This won't work unless you don't-"
"That's the point! I can't stop thinking about her!" I yell, "She's my home."
"Don't say that to me." She wipes her tears away.
"It's true. I'm sorry for coming here." Her sunken eyes imprint in my brain, and I feel horrible for what I've revealed to her.
"All of it was a waste." She zones in on my chest. "All of it." She mumbles.
"What are saying?"
"Those notes were fake."
It takes me a moment to realize what she is saying.
Watch out.
You're next.
You're not safe.
"You wouldn't-" I begin to say in disbelief. She wouldn't do something so stupid, so selfish.
"I had to. You hadn't spoken to me in months, and I missed you. I missed our late nights, I missed when you held me, touched me..." she trials her finger across my shoulder blades, "and I knew the notes couldn't be just for me. You wouldn't believe it, so I made one for Alice and you're precious wheda." She grits.
Her nasty words and the way she touches me makes me push her off me. She sways over dramatically. I've caught her off guard. Good.
"You're so selfish. I... I thought you better than this."
"What else was I suppose to do, Dennings. I'll never get over you. I'll never stop loving you. There's this force between us, don't deny it." Her eyes wild.
"That force you're thinking is guilt. That force in that head of yours will not bring us together, and I can't believe I ever loved such a fucking lunatic." I sneer.
"I'm the lunatic? What about you who put a guy in the hosptial." She chuckles. "For me." She caresses my arm once more, and I shiver in disgust.
"Don't contact me. Don't look at me in the hallways, and stay away from Dawn." I threaten.
"Oh Jake Dennings, this isn't the last you'll see me, my amante." Stars from the night sky reflect off her glossy eyes, "Mi amor siempre." She says lastly, as she walks back to her front door.
I'm livid beyond belief, but I can't do anything right now. I would love to beat the- no I can't finish that thought. It's messed up and fucked up. She's a girl Dennings. I shake my head, and my hands form into fists.
The only person that could possibly calm me down doesn't want me. No she does? Doesn't she? She was my... my home? She was armor that I wore at night to stray away from the nightmares that haunt me even more when she's not around.
It's only been 3 weeks, she couldn't have gotten over me so quickly. Because our love felt so real. It felt so domestic but innocent.
Our first kiss being messy but comforting. The second kiss being playful, and our laughter plays in my head when I think back to that time. The first time I touched her was something I'll never forget. The softness of her skin, and the way her body shivered in pleasure around my finger tips send waves through me.
And I as I sit in my car driving once again aimlessly, I only know one place to go. Martinez's hospital. That's the only place I would think dumbfuck Marcus would go to. It's easier for him, but then again it'll be easier for me to find them. Good. I do not need a chase because this is it. I'm not going to screw up what I want anymore. No Serena, Dawson, or Lauren can ruin this. The only people that can ruin my relationship with the love of my life is myself and Dawn. If she doesn't fight what she feels for me, we're in good shape. I just hope I'm not too late.
I pull up to the hospital in minutes. My frantic driving may have gotten me a speeding ticket if I was in a good neighborhood, but luckily Martinez hospital that he resides at sucks balls.
As soon as I enter the building, I catch her instantly.
My vapid speed of walking has now decreased when I watch Dawn stare out into a window of a room. Maybe it was my breathing, my familiar footsteps, or I could of spoken her name without my knowledge- but she's staring at me suddenly with those eyes. Those eyes of disbelief and worry.
Her arms are crossed, and she backs away almost instantly.
Dawn P.O.V.
He just doesn't know when to give up. I can't be with someone so violent. My head aches from the fall, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can't fall back into his trap. His trap of doom.
He'll hurt me again, I know it.
My paranoia always spikes when I'm around violent people.
Shut up. My sickened mind loves to take over my actual one. He won't hurt you, my nurturing voice says. He loves and adores you, let him show you. He's made mistakes. Your father made mistakes, so you're going to forgive him. Those are two vastly different mistakes. A mistake is a mistake, it can't be taken back. One has a bigger blow, and you know Jake would never hurt you purposely.
"Hi." Jake's voice breaks my inner battle. I've been staring at him wide eyed for at least five minutes. My arms around myself has tightened immensely, and I don't think it'll relent soon.
"Hello." My voice broken because on my way here I was crying. I was crying of pain and emotions that can only be described as my heart shattering.
"I'm sorry." He says.
My wide eyes finally relent into slits, "You're sorry." I scoff, "Of what? Please Jake, enlighten me." A lump grows in my throat.
A click is placed around the curve of his mouth, and I miss his smile. He shouldn't be smiling, or even attempting to right now though.
But the curve drops as soon as it appears, "I'm sorry for everything." He walks closer, and I almost pull back, but the heat of his body radiates off him. I miss the warmth. That's my reasoning, I don't miss him. Yes you do. "I'm sorry for not listening to you about Serena. I'm sorry for lying to you about, Dawson, but what you need to know it was for you. Yes, I also did it for her as well, but you were the only one on my mind baby." My heart swells at the pet name even though I shouldn't. The apology is crap, and he knows it, "But I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have focused on him when I knew my anger was at a high."
His hand touches my cheek, and I rest my face there without a flinch. I crave his touch as much as he craves mine. "You are one of the most important people in my life right now Dawn. There's no one else."
"Serena." I whisper, looking down at the tiles.
"Not anymore. I realized who she became."
"And who did she become?"
"A selfish bitch. That's what. She wrote those notes. The one to Alice, to you, and to herself, so she would get attention from me, and I was too stupid to see the lie."
Now it's my turn to get angry. The bubble arises within me. I pull back from Jake's touch. I don't know where I'm going, but I know who I want to see. Serena.
"Where are you going?" He pulls me back from my strive.
"I don't know." I snap back.
"Love, don't be blind by anger. I've done that many times with consequences. Don't let her take away the time we want to have together."
This is implying that I have forgiven him. I want to forgive him, but in doing so, I have right my wrongs. I'm still angry about Serena, but Jake's right. There's no use to go anywhere but staying by his side. So I relax under his hold instead of pulling back. I haven't done that before. I've been pulling from him this whole time without any resting.
"You want me still?" I question with trembles in my voice. I stare ahead, not daring to look back.
"When didn't I want you? Huh? You said come back to you when I've learned not to lie to you, and I've learned that will be the only reason we ever fall again." He walks closer behind me. His breath laying across my neck, making my hair spike up.
"Will you come back to me? Will your worry subside?" He whispers against my neck, causing me to moan quietly. "You're always stuck in that head of yours, what does your heart tell you?"
"That I've wanted you all my life, I just didn't know it."
"Then stop fighting me. It's just you and me, no one else. Okay?" He whispers in my ear of all the things I've wanted to hear.
Shut off the thoughts and maybe you'll be happy. Stop the doubts and maybe love will consume you rather than jealousy. Think about him and only him and the way he makes you feel.
Happiness.
I turn around towards him, his face is so close to mine. His glasses over his emotions, and I hope one day they'll be an accessory rather than a coverup. I push them up on his head like always, and I see with my eyes that he's telling the truth. He wants me as much as I want him, and I'll be damned to let my toxic thoughts to be one to ruin us whole.
"Can this really work? Me and you?" I tear up at the thought of us ending it all again. The heartache and the sleepless nights ruined me.
"Love conquers all right." He answers cheesily. His smile is so contagious that I might think it's genuine. He's unsure of us as much as I am.
But I'll take that risk if he's willing to as well.
"As long as you don't push me away." He says.
"Don't act like I'm the only one doing such things." I wrap my arms around his neck, and his reside around my hips.
"Okay we both got to work on some things." He laughs quietly, and I for the first time in a long time do the same. "And I promise never to hurt you again. I work on my anger." He brushes my bruise on my head. I know he would never hurt me on purpose, but I'm glad he's going to take precautions.
"So what does this mean?" I gesture with my shoulders to us. "Where does that leave us?"
"It's up to you, but you know what I want, love."
"And you already know what I want." Before he can respond, I connect our lips together, and I almost fall to my knees at the pressure. It's longing and fear that rinses in my bones.
Being completely vulnerable with someone is the most scariest thing to ever happen to someone, but if you're not vulnerable to the one person you love most in the world, then that's the scariest thing. You can never be yourself around anyone.
And I know he feels the same because his vulnerability reflects his tears that mix with mine across our cheeks.
A/N: I'M SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED! I've been so busy with school and work, I just haven't had the time to write. I love this story with all my heart, BUT the updates will be a bit slower. I won't promise certain days when I post because usually I end up not even posting on that day. I'm going to try to post either once or twice a month until college ends. Thank you for your patience. ❤️
Thoughts are the chapter?