Review by Sunshine: All Too Well
Author: edith_snow
SPECIAL REQUEST FROM THE AUTHOR:
- Could you mainly focus on the style/structure of the story?
Summary: 5/5
You didn't exactly go with what I like to call a 'traditional summary', in which we learn the characters' name, goals, conflict and stakes. However, I loved this summary regardless. I loved the figurative language and the diction, I loved the ambiguity of it all, I loved the way you juxtaposed those longer paragraphs with shorter, one-sentence paragraphs. Great work.
And I absolutely loved that you led it all to a final sentence that contained the title of the story, which not only highlighted the relevance of the title but also made me smile because it was just so damned clever. Great work!
Grammar: 4/5
You were so close to perfect here! There was just one type of punctuation error that I found in your story. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"That was sweet of you," he smiled.
'He smiled' is not a verbal tag. You can't smile your words. So it should be either:
"That was sweet of you." He smiled.
OR:
"That was sweet of you," he said, smiling.
Character Building: 5/5
When it comes to letters, character building can be extremely tricky. Why? Because letters are all about telling. While you did show some scenes to us, with the uncle in hospital, most of it was all told. That isn't a problem – in fact, that is a good thing. That means you've captured the concept of a letter.
And even though your story was mostly telling, it was executed excellently. The voice of your character bled through the pages. The voice wasn't overly formal, and there were little quips that made the voice sound incredibly real. Even with the poetic and figurative language, the character didn't sound pretentious – it sounded like someone thoughtful, someone strong, and someone who knows how blunt they are. Very, very well done.
We even learnt about Phoenix through the narrator, and you didn't info-dump – which was excellent. You slowly revealed glimmers of information, and seamlessly wove in the backstories of both Phoenix and our narrator. I have nothing constructive to say here. You've done a fantastic job.
Writing Style: 5/5
I'll try to keep this one short because you wanted me to focus on style and structure more. So, I will say that I absolutely loved the figurative language that you utilised throughout your letters. I loved the way all the science contrasted the poetic language. I love the research that has clearly gone into the story (that, or you just know things). Love, love, love.
And I like that you kept the tone conversational. Again, it made the character feel even more real, it kept the story more engaging, and just the writing itself tugged at my heartstrings. Excellent work.
Style + Structure: 4.5/5
Your story is more or less a series of letters, so there isn't too much of a traditional plot to this. So I changed the title of this criteria from 'Plot + Uniqueness' to 'Style + Structure', because it is far more relevant.
First of all, I love the structure of each letter. I like that you always started us off with a vague, rather unusual topic that our narrator is learning about, but then streamlined this topic and linked it back to the overall theme of the story: suicide. Each chapter flowed smoothly.
I also liked the slips of information that came with each chapter. First, we learn about how the suicide happened, then we know more about Phoenix, then we learn about Phoenix's family. And, as the chapters progressed, we learned more and more about the narrator and could finally see the way everything tied back to them. It's very clever writing, and an equally engaging structure to the story.
You've done the style of letter-writing justice, as I mentioned before in the section about characters. You've nailed the tone, so well done. I have seen stories with a similar style that utilise compilations of letters, but I like that yours isn't a series of letters that has been written by a lover. I love that it was someone who rarely spoke to Phoenix, someone who didn't even read their suicide letter or go to the funeral, but still found themselves writing these letters. It was a unique take, one that I very thoroughly enjoyed reading.
It's very clear that research has gone into this story. That, or you just know a lot about science, anatomy and windows. However, I do urge you to be a bit careful. Since you tend to start your chapters with these chunks of scientific information, you have to ensure that there aren't too many unfamiliar scientific terms and concepts. I know it's crucial to the story, but I'd suggest trimming down some of those informative chunks – just a little bit. Too much unfamiliar vocabulary can be extremely disconcerting for a reader, and can even turn them away. So I suggest cutting those down just by just a little bit.
I wasn't sure whether it was just me who felt this way, so I did show your chapters to a few friends who are very qualified in literature, and we all agreed that there were moments where we found ourselves skimming over those scientific paragraphs to get to the crux of the story. So I'd suggest trimming it to ensure that your readers are living and breathing every single word on your page.
OVERALL SCORE: 23.5/25
Overall, a fantastic and intriguing collection of letters that are heartfelt and thought-provoking. Excellent, excellent work. You have us mental illness as it is. You didn't romanticise it, nor did you make light of it. You were very sensitive and careful with the topic, so thank you for that.
I don't usually review letters – so this is new territory for me! Hopefully it is up to your expectations. I sincerely hope this review helps.