Title: Hell's Bane
Author: Yelverton_TheGeek_
Reviewer: awesomeSTG
Summary/Blurb: 3.5/5
Your summary is actually pretty great! The fundamentals are down, introduction of characters, the plot and the stakes, and the suspense that you placed in it. But even so, I sensed that there was something missing. Something very significant in luring in the readers.
When I read your summary for the first time, I wasn't really focused on the mistakes and usage of words and all, but rather, I was like, "Let's see if this blurb can really hook my attention."
But to be honest, I got this 'classic medieval era fantasy world with a ragtag group of explorers caught up in a war,' impression, which—for me—was pretty much enough to make an avid fantasy reader turn back.
What's the special thing in your story that makes it different from everyone else's? In my opinion, Davis is already a unique character, and I found myself curious as to why he doesn't wield a weapon of his own. What makes Hugo special? What about Drea?
Is there a random event that you'd like to highlight, either a funny one or a tensioned one, just to make it enough to make the readers thinking, "I wonder what happened?" And then voilà! They're reading.
Description: 2.5/5
Is this story of yours the first book and only one, or from a series? By reading the first and second chapters, I became pretty much confused. Why? Because I found no explanation as to what is currently happening in the 'world' they're in.
In times like this—usually fantasy and world-building wise—there is the need to thoroughly—and painstakingly—explain what is going on with the society your characters are living in. Where are they? What time is this era set? What's the current status of their world, and what particular things have triggered such?
Other than that, everything's good with the way you described the scenery and showed, rather than telling. I just had to skip to the glossary to find out if there's some sort of explanation though.
Grammar: 3/5
Your grammar isn't bad and all, in case you're wondering what's with the score of three. I just noticed some things and phrases that needed some brushing up.
1. 'everyone already tired from a busy day...'
*There was something missing, and unfortunately, it was cutting off the smooth flow of your story. So I just had to include this here.
*Painite's Version:
'the people were already tired from the busy day filled with travail...'
(Yes, I noticed that it's pretty far from the original, haha.)
2. 'clearly also seeming uncomfortable with how they were positioned too.'
Firstly, the words 'also' and 'too' are almost the same, so I suggest you remove one of them, suggestively the latter. Or you can simply remove both and rephrase the entire sentence.
'seeming uncomfortable,' this phrase also makes me feel the same. Uncomfortable, but just a little. Changing the structure of the sentence will be able to alter the words too. Maybe if you switch it to past tense?
*Painite's Version:
'clearly seemed uncomfortable with how they were positioned as well.'
3. 'There is a war, Drea.... You're all in danger....'
The only thing I can comment on this one is the number of ellipsis. Firstly, there can only be three periods in an ellipsis. [...]
And secondly, I personally think you were using too much, from an experience of mine, since I used a lot of them before too. They're supposed to be very rare punctuation marks, only used when something is cut off but there's still a continuation that can be used as an independent clause. (In my own lousy explanation.)
4. I also wondered why you tend to use this:
'the one on the right said: "State your business."'
When you're using a verbal tag before the statement, it's perfectly fine to use a comma, because it's not only used for the verbal tags located after the statement.
'the one on the right said, "State your business."'
See? It's simple and more acceptable compared to the use of colon. I saw that these kinds of sentences were scattered all over your story, so I think you should brush it up. How's that?
Characterization: 3/5
Because you were writing in third person, it was easy to observe how well you managed to create such well-rounded characters. I really loved the way you created Davis though! His character is strengthened by fine leadership, the kind facade, and his mysteriousness.
Although, I had a hard time imagining their faces because you didn't describe their physical attributes, and their ages too, I almost forgot to mention.
What would Hugo, Davis and Drea look like in your head? We don't know what you're currently thinking, so you'd really have to spoonfeed us with those basic information. After all, we're still strangers to the book, and in order to make us feel like we've known the characters, we need to have at least:
1. Physical image
2. Age
3. Subconsciously inserting some distinct habits that make them unique from time to time.
4. Concrete personality
5. Memory (usually comes in the form of a back story)
Let me know what you think of this suggestion, okay?
Plot: 4/5
Kudos! You have an amazing plot and different unexpected twists and turns! The foreshadowing was a little too obvious in my opinion, but I'd still say that it's amazing. After all, foreshadowing might be common amongst fantasy writers, but it's not a cliché yet. The only deduction here was the fact that you jumped into the present scene without any proper introduction of this world that the trio are setting foot upon.
Realism: 4.5/5
I still remember that you were asking about realism before, and as I said, it only applies to unrealistic conditions pertaining to overpowered characters. The only thing I can comment on is how that 'other being' that's been stalking the trio —especially Drea—remained on their tail, and they didn't have a single clue. They could've at least heard a sound or something. As for Davis and Hugo, they could've done something, just for the twist of it, because everything else felt a little scripted for the being.
FINAL SCORE: 20.5/30
Hello there! Thank you so much for choosing me, Painite to be your reviewer! I'm truly honoured to be able to read such a story, and I know that with little polishing, it can reach to all new heights.
I want to congratulate you for completing this story, because not everyone can start a story and stick to it until the end.
Please remember that this review is purely subjective and may vary in the eyes of different critics. Good luck with your plans of making a sequel, and type on!