**/**/**** 3:17 a.m
I saw you today.
I hope you know you looked as wonderful as always. I just wish you had your usual sparkle. Your eyes are a bit duller than I remember, and you didn't smile like you usually do. I guess you didn't see me, and maybe that's for the best. I need to leave you alone. I need to let you go, but it's so hard. Don't you know that? I can't just let go even though I know I should. It'd be better for you and for me. Still- I can't find it in me to just go. I have to know you're alright. I have to see that sparkle and that smile, even if it's not directed at me.
God.. it's going to kill me when I see it's not directed at me. It's selfish of me to think that but.. all I ever wanted was you.
Never anyone else.
I'm sorry.
**/**/**** 12:34 p.m
You wore my favorite dress today. The one I bought for you to wear on that special date. The one where I promised to never leave you. You looked like you were suffocating in it. I'm sorry I made such a beautiful thing so painful for you. You really did look stunning and you took my breath away like always. Again, you didn't see me. I know it's for the better, but it still sucks. I'm selfish. I really am. I want you to see me, and I want you to smile at me. I want you to run at me and wrap your arms around me. I miss you so much. I miss smelling your sweet perfume and seeing you waking up next to me. I don't know if I ever told you, but I have always loved your bedhead. You always said you looked like a monster in the morning, but I could never see that. I just saw the most beautiful girl in the world. I always felt so lucky.
I guess our luck ran out? I wish it hadn't. There's so much I wanted to tell you. I still want to tell you so many things. I hope I get the chance to one day.
It kills me to see those tears in your eyes.
It kills me even more that you had to put the dress up. You won't throw it out, but you should. You'll come back to it again and you'll cry.
I hate that I did this to you.
I still love you more than anything.
**/**/**** 6:48 p.m
I heard you didn't get out of bed much the past week or two. You're falling back into old habits, you know you can't do that. Everyone's so worried. I'm worried. You're starting to look sickly again. You can't fall down that rabbit hole again, not when you worked so hard to pull yourself out. I hate watching you suffer, especially when I'm the cause. Baby, you have to get up. I want you to get up. If anything, get up and find me. I'll let you see me this time, even though I know it'll probably do more harm than good. You'll want to stay with me, and I can't let you do that. It's not good for me or for you but.. fuck, I want it. I want it so bad you have no idea. That's wrong of me, though, isn't it? It would be horrible of me to tell you to your face wouldn't it?
I really want to see you. I want you to come see me, but I fucking can't let you, can I?
I miss you.
**/**/**** 2:00 a.m
It's 2 a.m on the dot. I'm still talking to you, well, more accurately, I'm talking to no one. Just myself and the stars. They remind me of our first date. We were so lost in each other that we lost track of time. We were far from the city too, so on our way back, we got to see stars. I think we saw a shooting one. I'm sure I wished for nothing but to have you. You all to myself. You in your purest form. I like to think my wish was granted. Especially on that other night that we saw stars. Only, they were in your small room. I still think about that night too. It keeps me going on slow nights.
I didn't see you at all today, even though I went looking. It's getting harder to find you. Maybe you don't want to be found. Or maybe you're finally moving on? Are you becoming someone I won't recognize anymore? It hurts to say, but I hope so. It'll be easier this way. I want to stay like this forever, but I can't. Everyone's telling me to move on. To go be the hero and leave you alone.
It's still so hard, but I have no choice.
Please. Let me find you at least one more time before I have to go.
Just once.
**/**/**** 8:46 a.m
I think I'm starting to forget. Not anything big, just small things. The feel of your hair on my fingertips. Your skin on mine. Your warmth. They're fading from me. I haven't felt you in over a year. It hurts so fucking much. I don't want to forget anything about you. Not even the smallest detail. At times like this, I wish I could run to you. Or at least, I wish I could have one night with you. I want to see stars with you. I want to re-learn you so I never forget. I can't even remember your smell. It used to surround me. On my clothes. In my room. Everywhere.
I guess I deserve this. I hurt you. I didn't do enough and I let too many people slip through my fingers.
I really should go.
I'm trying to slip away, but it isn't as easy as they make it seem.
I had a long talk with May the night before. I don't know how much she heard though- I don't even know how much I spoke. We cried for hours.
Maybe that's what's making me feel like I'm forgetting. I hate to cry. May knows that.
**/**/**** 4:33 a.m
I spoke with May again today. She didn't do much, she just listened. It was weird having her be so quiet. Just before she left though, she told me you'd been crying again. Crying and waking up screaming. What are you doing to yourself, baby? I thought you made it past this? Please, don't fall back again. I really can't catch you this time. I want to. I'd rush to you right now if I could. I'd hold you close and I wouldn't let you go. Not until I held you tight enough to press your broken pieces back together. I'm the one that did it, I hurt you. I broke you, and I should fix it. It's burning me to be unable.
May says you're not mad at me. Why aren't you? I broke all my promises.
Be mad at me. Come scream at me, please. I want you to hate me. It would be easier.
Hate me. Please hate me. I did this.
I broke us.
**/**/**** 5:27 p.m
I saw a little girl today. She was running around with some white flowers. She made me think of one thing I really wanted but never told you. It was too early then, but if I knew what I know now, I would have thought differently. It might've made this hurt more though, so I guess it's good I never said anything. I can say it now though, because you won't hear me. I always saw a family with you. I don't know if you would've wanted one. I understand if you wouldn't have. I just- I really imagined us having a little girl. One that would be your spitting image. I would've loved her more than anything. I probably would have spoiled her rotten. A little princess, just for us. She would have been so loved.
I hope you find someone to make a family with.
Ned told me you're really struggling again. It's been over a year, babygirl. You have to let go of me. God.. do you ever wonder if it'd be better if we never met? You'd be okay right now. You'd have that sparkle.
I hate myself.
**/**/**** 6:18 a.m
Yesterday Ned said you're coming to find me soon. Is it wrong of me to be a little excited? I've seen you coming close, but you never really come all the way. I can't go to you anymore. It's too hard, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that I really want to see you. I also wish I could tell you not to come. Nothing good will come out of it. We'll just be opening the wound again, and I don't know if you can afford to bleed anymore. I know I can. I never stopped bleeding. I never will.
It's getting harder to stay away from what I'm supposed to do. If you're so bent on coming to find me, do it soon.
I'll be waiting.
**/**/**** 3:58 a.m
You're here. I can't answer you, I'm sorry. I like the flowers you brought me this time. I haven't seen you in months- you look so frail and broken. I'm crying with you. It hurts to see you this way. You can't do this to yourself. I want to see you again, but not this soon. It's not right, I know this now.
Baby, I'm so so sorry. I really am. Please, stop screaming. Stop clawing at the dirt. I can't come out. I can't. I've already begged and begged. I just wanted to keep you safe. I didn't know we'd end up here. I didn't mean to do this to us. I'd go back and fix it if I could.
You split your knuckles on the slab.
You said you'll be back.
I don't know if I'll still be here. Ben's been calling for me for a long while.
I really have to go.
**/**/**** ?:?? **
You saw me today.
I couldn't answer you. You can't hear any of these messages I say to you.
You said they cut my phone off- that all you have now are voicemails. They're not enough. You looked worse than before, and this time I couldn't cry and scream with you. He's taking me home now, and I can't stay any longer.
I need you to fight. I need you to survive.
I want to see you again, but not until it's the right time.
I'll be waiting. I told you I'd wait forever for you, didn't I?
I love you.
I love...
You have fifteen saved messages. You have one voicemail message which is due for deletion. The message must be re-saved to prevent automatic deletion. Saved message due for automatic deletion:
"Hey. I know I missed date night again.. I didn't want to. I n-never want to... I think.. I think I might miss the rest of them, heh. I know you're angry. I kn-kno-ow that's why you won't answer and that's my fault. I focused t-too much on this one guy. I got too sucked in and.. it hurts. It really does. My healing.. it's not.. I can't.. I love you. I swear I-I-I do and I always have. I'm- I'm sorry I let this happen. I'm so-so-rry because I know this is gonna hurt you more than it's fucking killing me.. I wish- god I wish you'd answer. I'll wait for you. I'll.. I'll wait forever.. Will you do the same for me? Please? Don't just.. don't just.. follow.. don't..", the ragged breathing slows into silence. KAREN soon interrupts, "I am sorry, Miss [Y/n]. Ending call."
To re-play this message, press 1. To delete, press 7. To re-save this message for an additional 14 days, press 9. For more options, press 6.
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Next saved message:
"Hey! You're probably not answering because you're getting ready. I just- I love you so much.. I can't believe I can call you mine. Mine.."
"I found her at his grave again. She was shaking from the cold and.. I couldn't even recognize her face. She's really.. she's spiraling down again. May- help us, what can we do? She's saying she used to hear him mumbling in her sleep or something- and now he's gone? He's been gone for so long- I know it must still hurt you-"
"There isn't much you can do. Everyone grieves differently. Just.. be there."
"She won't let us. She talks about seeing him- about following him and- it's so scary We thought.. you'd be of help, since.. you know? Ben-"
"I bounced back because of Peter. Without him.. with-without.. I'm sorry. He'd want her to fight. To keep going. She'll come around.I have to go now-"
"May-"
"Please..", she whispers, "I have to go.."
"Okay.."
"Uncle Ben?"
"Hey, Pete. I missed you."