Title: Azure Memory: Nocturnal Moonlight
Author: Sarakel_14
Summary: 3/5
Some great things happening here! I love the rhetorical questions, I love the intriguing quotation at the start, and those last few lines are very dramatic, powerful and, in a way, poetic. Great work there!
However, the summary is too long. And what I mean by this is that, if this was to ever become a published novel, that summary simply would not fit on the back page. But this is easily fixable – I don't think you need all the "Look! There's the weirdo!" or "He's the alien!" remarks. I think you can remove all the insults that he received, because you already stated above that others judged him. The reader doesn't need those specific examples.
Also, the general phrasing needs polishing. Some sentences simply don't make sense. "Agony been his best friend" should be "Agony has been his best friend". "Could he survive this tragic fate he's having through?" doesn't make sense at all – I'd change it to: "Can he survive this tragic fate?" or "Will he survive this tragic fate?" I'd go back and reread the prologue, just to brush up on some of that clunky phrasing!
Grammar: 2/5
Okay, so there were a few grammatical issues I picked up on that disrupted the fluency of the story. Don't worry – these are easily fixable! The first one involves a common mistake that most writers make: is it "me and this person" or "this person and I"? There's actually an easy way to remember it. Simply take away the "this person", and see what you have left. For example:
"Me and my mother run towards the unknown."
In this case, the "this person" is "my mother". Now, let's take that away from the sentence and what we have left is:
"Me run towards the unknown."
As you can see, that above sentence is incorrect. However, if it was:
"My mother and I run towards the unknown."
And then you remove the "my mother":
"I run towards the unknown."
It works perfectly! Therefore, the correct form should be, "My mother and I run towards the unknown."
Another issue was punctuation before the closing inverted commas during dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"I'm so sorry, Altair." she replied.
That above example is incorrect. Since the "she replied" directly refers to the dialogue spoken and is verbal, it should be:
"I'm so sorry, Altair," she replied.
Another thing was tense. Most of the time, you were in present tense. Other times, you slipped into past tense. For example:
"I just nod my head as we headed towards the gigantic barrier."
If we break this down, we see that you've alternated between two tenses:
"I just nod my head..." [present tense]
"... as we headed towards the gigantic barrier." [past tense].
It should be, "I just nod my head as we head towards the gigantic barrier."
Character Building: 2.5/5
So your characters make strong impressions, and my heart definitely hurts for poor Altair! Illinois also seems very precious – I can't wait to see these characters grow and build as you upload more chapters.
However, I did have a few issues. For one, while I think your vocabulary is very extensive, I think it is too sophisticated for a six-year-old. In general, some vocabulary choices are too sophisticated for even a teenage narrator. You have to remember that, if you're writing in first person, the narration does have to be realistic to an extent.
Also, you don't really flesh out Altair's feelings enough. When his mother was leaving him at the orphanage, what did he feel? Was his stomach churning? Was he thinking about all the smiling memories of his parents?
And don't tell us about the characters! Show us, instead. Don't say, "He treats me as if I'm his younger brother". Show us through the dialogue, through their actions. If I wanted to tell my readers that a character was very sweet, I wouldn't say it. I would make that character do things, like offer help or always speak in a tentative but optimistic manner to prove it to my audience.
Writing Style: 3.5/5
I loved the poetry at the start! While I can't really critique poetry because it is not my field of expertise, I can say that it was beautifully written and mellifluous, with lovely use of figurative language and sensory imagery.
And I loved that you continued using that poetic aesthetic throughout your chapters. The figurative language was so refreshing to read, and I loved seeing the description of the setting. Well done there! Just be careful not to assume the readers' knowledge of things. For example, I advise against using phrases like "seems-to-be-orphanage". You have to assume that the reader doesn't know what an orphanage looks like. If you're going to say something like that, you have to show the readers why Altair things it looks like an orphanage. How does he know that it looks like one? What gives it away?
Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5
It was very hard to judge plot because there really only is one chapter, and a prologue. But I will say that your start is very captivating, if not heartbreaking, and rather unique too! It's nice to see diversity with the main character having albinism, so well done for taking a brave but wonderful choice in that respect. I can't wait to see what this story holds!
Quick question: is there a reason everything is italicised? If not, please stick to standard text to make it easier for the reader to follow.
OVERALL SCORE: 15/25
Overall, an intriguing start! Just make sure you brush up on your grammar and work on keeping that narration realistic, and you'll be good to go! I hope this review helps.