IMPORTANT: I HAVE NOT GIVEN ANY PERMISSION TO ANYONE AT ALL TO TRANSLATE LOCKER 17. I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND WILL SAY IT AGAIN. I AM NOT LETTING ANYONE TRANSLATE UNLESS I GIVE THEM PERMISSION. THE TIME TO ASK TO TRANSALTE IS WHEN I FINISH THE FANFIC. ONCE I FINISH IT AND IT'S COMPLETE AND I'VE WORKED ON THE GRAMMAR AND ALL, I WILL BE TAKEN OPEN TO REQUESTS AND WILL CHOSE WHO IS ABLE TO TRANSLATE IT. I WILL THEN LINK THE TRANSLATING FICS IN MY BIO HERE ON WATTPAD, BUT THEY MUST REMAIN ON WATTAD. FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE AVAILABLE ONCE THIS FANFIC IS DONE, FOR NOW THERE IS NO TRANSLATING OR REQUESTS BEING TAKEN. THANK YOU.
...
Songs for this chapter - Stay with me - Sam Smith
October
*Harry's POV*
Life's been different and has changed just within the time span of five months. Never in a million years, at least not after meeting Louis, did I imagine I'd be here in a room, alone studying without him. This isn't what I wanted, or expected to happen, but it did and I can't change it.
There hasn't been a day where I haven't been cooped up in this labyrinth of mine. Thoughts have come and gone, but his face still remains in them. I've been trying so hard to occupy myself with other things to simply forget for a while, but I can't. The aegis I created to protect me from hurting more doesn't help, but keeps me hurting, just in a different way.
I thought moving here to London was a good decision, hoping I'd forget about what happened. After arriving here and spending a week, I realized I wasn't moving here because I wanted to forget, but instead I was running away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. Losing Louis hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, but maybe that's because I feel like I still haven't lost him. There's a part of me that still hopes he'll come running through my door and I'll be waiting here with open arms, but I know that just won't happen.
The day I decided to let Louis go, at least I wanted to, I turned back and left him there in the hallway. There was no time for explaining, I wanted to get out of there because everywhere I looked in those halls, I knew Louis and I had been there roaming them when we were happy, when I was happy. After reading Liam's note, there was no other ideas that would come to mind, no other options, so I did what I did. When Louis gave me his letter Liam gave him, I pretended to look through it, I didn't want something to stop me from what I was trying so hard to do, that's why I ripped it. What happened after that is something I'll never forget. For once, it wasn't me begging for him to stay, to not give up, it was him. The thing that killed me the most, was when he said he had found someone who made him happy, and that someone was standing in front of him. I lost it, I did, and I couldn't go on. The thing is, when our hands slipped away from each other, and our finger no longer touched, it didn't feel any different, and it still doesn't, maybe we've both haven't let go for whatever reason.
All Louis wanted that day was a little more time, just a little, but I knew "little" could mean a lot of things, and I was right. He said he needed a little more time, that he was leaving, he never said he wouldn't come back. For some reason I was hopeful that I'd bump into him in the hallways, this time without my selfish, asshole like behavior, but never happened. The moment I let go of Louis' hand was the last time I saw him but not the last time I heard about him. Word was that he was here in London, but I've had no luck in finding him.
A week passed after I "let him go", and it was prom. I still had hopes that he'd show up to it, so I rented a tux, even reserved a table for just us two at prom, it only turned out to be disappointment. Niall was the one who encouraged me to go, he said he'd talked to Louis, that he was sure to be there, I was ready to take back everything I had said, and fight for him just like Niall said to do. I sat there at the table, two hours passed, nothing, he must be running late , I said to myself. Another hour passed, he probably got stuck in traffic, or something came up, I tried to convince myself again. Then two more hours passed, everyone was already leaving and I kept staring at the front entrance, with the biggest smile on my face, still waiting. Fifteen more minutes passed and my smile, my hope, all subsided, and yet I was still staring at that entrance, still hoping I'd see him walk through it with a tux and a smile on his face. That's when I felt a pat on my back, then heard a voice say "I don't think he's coming, Harry." and the person who said that almost made me relieved that he was the one to tell me, because it took all my doubts away. Dominic had somehow showed up, hoping to see Louis and apologize to him and me, and I couldn't help but spill about what had happened. At first I told him everything was okay, and that we were as happy as can be, then I knew it was time to let down my guard and stop pretending so that I could be ontop of Dominic. I went on for hours, telling him everything, everything I never imagine telling him. And while doing all that, I knew I wasn't over or was going to be over Louis anytime soon. That bad boy act was all a joke. I kept asking myself that night, what if I didn't do this, what if I didn't do that, what if I didn't fuck up all those times, what if I wouldn't have given up, everything was just a what if?
That night served me well, I got so much off my chest, and there was someone there who was listening to everything I had to say, and didn't judge me, just like Louis never did. I realized Dominic wasn't as bad as a person I thought he was, and I couldn't blame him for falling for Louis. He lightened the mood a bit when he joked about who wouldn't fall for Louis, and for once, we actually agreed on something, we agreed that Louis is spectacular, and so amazing, and that I was lucky to have him and at one point call him mine.
After that night, Dominic and I became close, but he ended up moving back to the states. Again, I was left with no one. Niall was too busy caring for his ill mother, and I was too busy caring for a love that wasn't mine anymore.
Three days later, graduation took place. Everyone gathered around, families, friends, people who no one knew, just everyone. Once again, I had hoped Louis would show up, but when they didn't call his name to walk up, I knew that he not only left, but transferred too. At that moment I felt powerless, and everything I wanted to do that day, I didn't want to anymore. I spent the whole year, thinking about this moment, but I always thought I'd have Louis by my side, supporting me. I looked around, everyone had gone up, even me. My mum was sat at her seat, giving me thumbs up from afar, she was the only one there to support me, other than Zayn and Niall. So I went on, stood up, walked to the podium, brought the microphone closer and began to speak in front of everyone, families, friends, classmates, teachers, everyone. There were many confused looks, tilted heads, people telling me to speed it up, but this wasn't a matter of speeding up, it's never been. I cleared my throat, then looked to my left, and pretended that Louis was there watching me, only to give me strength, when in reality, Louis was probably out there making a life of his own, a life where I was just a memory.
Taking one last deep breath, I began
To my fellow classmates, students, staff, teachers,
Throughout high school, you look around and see how many different people there are. You look at your surroundings and you start to try your best at fitting in, hoping you won't become isolated. That's the thing, that kept me from being who I really was and am. You live your whole life pretending to be someone you're not, for the simple pleasure of others. I'm done pleasing people who don't give a shit about me. And now that I'm done pleasing, they'll never get the pleasure to know who I really am.
During my time here, I pretended to be someone whom I was not. I was sick of it. So much happened here, things that I'll never forget, things, people that might haunt me forever, memories. I got stuck in being a person who I just wasn't. I got tired of pretending to be an asshole, a man whore, I got tired of hiding. Then came my breaking point, but someone came along and helped me, he taught me there was nothing wrong with what I am, or who I was. He taught me it was okay to be different, other's opinions and judgments didn't matter, not when I had him.
I could go on for days, and nights, talking about what's right and wrong, but I'd never finish. Have this in mind though, that the person I am today is no different than the person I was yesterday. I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are because I went to hell and back, and I've gone through a lot, and all the events that have happened, good and bad, make me the person I am today and I'm not ashamed. I'm still human, nothing changes. And you guys know what? I'm not ashamed of who I am, nor will I ever. I am who I am and I'm proud. So what is it to the person next to me or behind if I'm different, it won't hurt them.
We all grow up learning and going over how it's always supposed to be a boy and a girl, always girl and boy, reality check, it's not always like that. How do I know so much? Because I'm an example of it. We grow up with this concept of our rights and wrongs, but what if a wrong is what makes you happy. Even if there's a tiny tiny chance, isn't it worth going for it? Do what makes you happy, not what others want to see.
My life here in high school has all been an act and like I said, I'm done pleasing everyone, trying to show them someone I'm not. I'm not an asshole, I'm not a man whore, I'm just a guy who is trying to find himself in this world.
I'm Harry Styles, I'm gay, and I'm not ashamed.
I'm tired of living up to everybody's expectations, I'm going to be me and I don't care what anyone says. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Thank you.
By the end of my speech, my heart was beating fast, so fast but I felt better, like I could breathe. The reaction that followed my short, powerful speech was the complete antithesis of what I expected. After growing up in this town where homophobia had always been an issue, the applause, the roaring of the crowd, the smiles and tears on my classmates, I was overwhelmed. That was something I never saw coming, never in a thousand years. And I felt like I gave a voice to many, to everyone who could never do what I had done.
Following the celebration, all my classmates would congratulate me with hugs and pats on the back, high fives, just about everything. That day, I made a change, a change that I will never forget.
That might, after everything went down. I was sat on my bed, and realized that that day wasn't supposed to be about me, it was intended to be for Louis and I at the beginning. That day was supposed to be about us and to show them how happy we were together and how we didn't give a damn about what anyone else had to say, but there was no us.
My fame and my impact on the town subsided,after it did, I left. There was no point in staying there, and Louis wasn't keeping me there either. His house was vacant, what else was I supposed to think.
Now I'm here. it's been five months, all consisting of studying and getting high once an a while to ease the pain.
Uni is already hard enough here in London, have problems aside from it only make it worse. It's been like this for the few months I've been here but hopefully things will change eventually.
I look up from my desk, placing the pen down and looking over at my roommate.
"You're going to sit there all day and not do shit?" Scott says, throwing me his pair of dirty shorts onto my face.
"I thought it was obvious? Besides I have a ton of work, no time to waste." I try explaining to him. He never believes me, not after I lied about multiple things.
"Come on Harry," he grunts, sitting down on his bottom bunk across from where I'm sat at. "I have two days left before I move out and leave and this is how you're spending your time with me? Lighten up!"
"I can't, I told you, I just can't right now." I hiss. He won't take no for an answer, he never does.
"Sure you can. We can go out, grab a drink, fuck a bitch or two, get high, everything you'd want to." he says, standing up from the bunk. Scott paves back and forth in the room, waving his hands up in the air, describing everything we could be doing.
"One," I stand up off the desk's chair, "I'm gay, so I don't feel the need to 'fuck a bitch or two'. Two, I have a boyfriend remember?" I lie. But he knows me all too well to believe what I'm saying. Not once has he ever seen me make a move on anyone, let alone him.
"Harry, the guy who's picture you have in your wallet doesn't count as a boyfriend. He left you, fuck him, move on. You know, I heard there's a bunch of guys at that new club they opened up a few blocks away. Maybe it's time you meet someone new, eh?" the smirk on his face is intended to be convincing, but it's really not. I've already fucked up the beginning of this semester in school, I'm not doing it again.
I turn my back to him, focusing on my journal that lies in front of me full of inked pages. "Don't let me stop you, go on ahead, I really don't care. Go live your life of the party, I'm not about that anymore." I tell him as I take the pen in my hand once more and start writing again.
"Harry!" he shouts, his voice sounding closer than it was before, "Shut the fuck up! Last week you were all about rolling the blunts up, and drinking, you can't change that fast. Stop being a little sissy and take a shower, put on some fresh clothes, and comb that long ass hair of yours because we're going out whether you like it or not." Scott pats my back, then pulls the chair, where I'm sitting at, away from the desk.
"I don't know, Scott." I sigh, standing up front he chair and walking over to the desk to close my journal.
"What if you did know, then what?" he says, grabbing my clothes from the closet and throwing them to my chest.
"Just tonight."
"That's my boy!" he yells, running up to me and wrapping his arm over my shoulders.
...
Scott, during the time I've known him, has never been the quiet, shy type. All he does is go out to parties, drink, smoke, and just like he said "fuck a bitch or two". I don't blame the guy though, he's had a rough past, maybe not as rough as others, but enough to make him how he is now. Given the fact that he's nearly twenty, just shows it might be because of the age too.
When I first moved here, I was looking for a flat where I could at least have some sense of privacy, that didn't work out too well. The only flat available at the time was this one, and I got stuck with Scott. I shouldn't be complaining since some students couldn't afford it and I did. Dad's money really does come in handy sometimes.
In getting here, Scott, brought me into his dark side, dark life. It wasn't much of a transition than the place at was at, because I was doing the same things, but with Scott I had someone there that was doing the same. All my bad habits returned. The smoking, drinking, staying out late at night, passing out on the bar counters, everything was just bad and continued to be bad until a week ago. I started to check back into reality and decided that wasn't the way to get rid of my problems and feelings, so I stopped. It's been hard staying away from all things bad, especially when your own roommate is trying to drag you back in. And as much as I hate to say it, I'm glad he's finally leaving. No more temptations, no more bad, I'm hoping that this will help be come back strong and I'll finally be able to actually let go and do something with my life.
"Stop day dreaming kid, hurry up!" Scott's voice alarms me, waking me from my thoughts. He's out of the car, waiting for me outside on the pavement.
If it was up to me, I wouldn't be here, but he wants this so why not.
"Only two hours right?" I ask, stepping out of the car, straightening my shirt with my hands. Scott said this could help as an escape and help me find someone new, doubt it'll happen but I said I'd try.
The place in front of us lightens the street in this darkness. The sign on top of it reads "XXX". Loud booming music coming from inside can be heard from a mile away. Scott guides me inside, grabbing ahold of my arm and pulling me in.
My heart begins to beat, faster and faster. Girls, guys, people surround us. The place is packed with sweaty people, some even reek of alcohol and other strong substances. The red lights flashing over and over as everyone dances, only makes this even more nerve racking.
Bodies bump into mine as I try to make my way inside. I'm lucky I haven't gotten lost, all thanks to Scott. He promised he had a surprise for me, and I'm slowly figuring out what it is.
{please vote and comment. I know this is a fill in chapter, just to fill you guys in on what happened. This isn't my best chapter, at least the end, but I'm sure it'll get better, after all there are only 10 chapters left after this :))) Thank you so much for 9 MILLION reads!!! It means sooooo much! I love you a lot, there's much more to come and that will happen in the next few chapter, and I hope I won't disappoint any of you :) love you lots!}