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Review by Sunshine: Reflection
Review by Sunshine: Wings and Claws
Review by Sunshine: Immortally Beloved: A Vampire's Vignettes
Review by Sunshine: The Portrait of Evienne
Review by Sunshine: In The Mornin'
Review by Painite: The Vampires of New York
Review by Tas: Billion Dollar Problems
Review by Sunshine: The Technologist
Review by Sunshine: Wickedly Yours
Review by Sunshine: Rose in a Heartful of Thorns
Review by Painite: Survival
Review by Sunshine: Golden Boys
Review by Tas: Meant For You
Review by Tas: Chills and Thrills
Review by Sunshine: The Sandman
Review by Painite: A Candle in the Wind
Review by Sunshine: Coming Home
Review by Sunshine: Falling Apart
Review by Sunshine: Northwoods
Review by Sunshine: Pilferer
Review by Sunshine: Face Your Demons
Review by Sunshine: Branded
Review by Painite: Finding Jules
Review by Sunshine: Wolf Child
Review by Painite: All I See
Review by Ayesha: Meant For You
Review by Sunshine: BOYS: Her Addiction
Review by Ayesha: The Brother's Curse
Review by Sunshine: I Kissed A Bad Boy
Review by Painite: The Lost Realm
Review by Sunshine: Revenant Reborn
Review by Ayesha: Stellar Lucifer
Review by Sunshine: Azure Memory: Nocturnal Moonlight
Review by Sunshine: A Time to Heal
Review by Sunshine: Hocus Lovus
Review by Sunshine: Simple Wish
Review by Sunshine: The Harvest
Review by Sunshine: The Betrayal
Review by Painite: Twisted Love
Review by Sunshine: Beyond My Expectations
Review by Painite: Hell's Bane
Review by Sunshine: All Too Well
Review by Painite: Mahogany
Review by Sunshine: Stones and Cyanide
Review by El: The Beauty of Pain
Review by Sunshine: Ruthanne Georgeson High
Review by Sunshine: Vlad the Impaler
Review by El: The Past is in the Past
Review by El: Restored (A Caleo Selection)
Review by Sunshine: Obsidia
Review by Danielle: Don't Let Me Love You
Review by Sunshine: Missing
Review by Painite: En Garde
Review by El: Prongslet
Review by Sunshine: Of Suns and Spirits
Review by Rrc: Spring Day
Review by Sunshine: The Prince's Heist
Review by Danielle: Cromulent
Review by El: Thoughts From Home
Review by Sunshine: Dragon Rider in the Modern World
Review by Painite: From the Heart
Review by Sunshine: Cupid's Little Game
Review by Lilo: Last Man Standing
Review by Rrc: The Fact and our Foibles
Review by Sunshine: Crazy Rich Dragons
Review by Sunshine: Snow Shadows
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Review by Sunshine: When Night Comes
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Review by Sunshine: Under My Wings
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Review by Sunshine: Lucifer's Fall
Review by Rrc: Xalvandor
Review by Sunshine: Mystery of the Olds
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Review by Sunshine: Cee's Collection of Short Stories
Review by Lilo: Just Survive
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Review by Sunshine: Ruin Me
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Review by Rrc: The Victims Street
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Review by Sunshine: Fallen For You
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Review by Sunshine: Yours, Allie
Review by Fatima: Tag You're It
Review by Lone Wolf: Sixty Seconds of Sanity
Review by Lilo: Broken Kingdom
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Review by Lilo: Silver as Glace
Review by Lilo: An April Sort of Place
Review by Claire: Beauty of an Assassin
Review by Sunshine: An Enchantment of Time
Review by Painite: The Guardians
Review by Danielle: Looking In
Review by Lone Wolf: Protecting His Mate
Review by Sunshine: Destiny
Review by Claire: Flares in the Dark
Review by Sunshine: The Tangled Princess
Review by Fatima: Letters to Manny
Review by Fatima: Signs of Hope
Review by Painite: Half Hope, Half Love
Review by Daryl: Beauty of Wrath
Review by Lone Wolf: Misunderstood
Review by Sunshine: All That We Lost
Review by Claire: A Second Chance
Review by Sunshine: Survive Another Day
Review by Painite: Everlyn and Derrick
Review by Lone Wolf: The Way
Review by Claire: Tempest
Review by Sunshine: The Elementalists
Review by Lone Wolf: Legend of Antalasia
Review by Sunshine: Cinderella
Review by Fatima: A Second Chance
Review by Daryl: Script [Forest]
Review by Izzy: Half Life
Review by Lone Wolf: Her Queen
Review by Sunshine: Blood Ink Muse
Review by Sunshine: Only Human
Review by Lone Wolf: The Original One
Review by Lone Wolf: Hot Ticket
Review by Fawn: The Day I Die
Review by Sunshine: A War of Fire and Death
Review by Sunshine: Be Still, My Heart
Review by Sunshine: The Stigmatised
Review by Izzy: The Battle Within an Angel
Review by Izzy: Spicy Sugar
Review by Sunshine: The Start of the Black Pandas
Review by Nathan: Dead Minds
Review by Sunshine: The Saga: Sucker for Pain
Review by Nathan: Tears Unnumbered
Review by Cherylene: Hearts
Review by Lone Wolf: VLAD
Review by Lone Wolf: Dream
Review by Sunshine: The Undying
Review by Tahsin: Hope
Review by Sunshine: Grendilton: Rise of the Shadows
Review by Nathan: Pressed Between the Pages
Review by Lone Wolf: Call of the Decads
Review by Sunshine: Anagata
Review by Cherylene: Hope
Review by Sunshine: Wicked Cindy
Review by Fawn: The Sea Thief
Review by Fawn: Meet Me in September
Review by Sunshine: Wattpad World
Review by Maryam: Last Man Standing
Review by Maryam: Bluebells and Hanging Ropes
Review by Nathan: Star Stuff
Review by Sunshine: The Book Keeper's Heart
Review by Tahsin: I Don't Trust You Enough
Review by Izzy: Midnight Moon
Review by Nathan: Ghost
Review by Izzy: Restless Thoughts
Review by Sunshine: Cold-Hearted

Review by Painite: Hidden

139 7 3
By TreasureCommunity

Title: Hidden

Author: rantytings

WARNING: BLUNT CRITIQUE AT WORK.


Summary/Blurb: 1.5/5

While I liked the way you wrote the synopsis about Mia, to be honest, the father abusing the MC, the depression, the transferring of schools, and the bad boy are kinda cliché.

Also, the part where you stated that you "suck at summaries, so just read," is kinda forceful, and it'll turn off potential readers.

When writing a summary, one should be mindful of potential spoilers. You wouldn't want the readers to know about your entire plot just by reading the blurb, don't you? I suggest you change this one.


Description: 2.2/5

The usage of words are nice and all, but pretty plain. Also, I noticed that you tend to use so many 'I's in a single paragraph. You can just link them together, you know. Too many 'I's can be the cause of redundancy.

Also, about Jacob... Why does the call have to sound like a dialogue from a script? Even Jacob himself doesn't do anything, and I'm having a hard time imagining his actions.

Also, the 'note the sarcasm' part in chapter one shouldn't be in bold, because it'll rob the attention of the readers. They're gonna skip the rest to find out what's written.


Grammar: 2/5

There are some commas missing, and the result of this is a run-on sentence. How to find them? Read your story aloud and if you're catching your breath once you reach the next period, then voilà! You discovered a run-on sentence—in need of a comma.

For example: 

'Grabbing my things I crept down the stairs quietly. Fearing I'd wake him up.'

This is wrong. Why is there a period there? A comma is more appropriate, right?

'After grabbing my things, I crept down the stairs quietly, fearing I'd wake my dreaded father up.'

Well... It sounds better. 

"This.Is.What.Happens. When.You.Disobey.Me."

*Where are the spaces between the periods?

*And when you stated that the father screamed, wouldn't it be more appropriate if you placed an exclamation point? [!] 

Also, the tenses are all messed up. First, you used past tense, then you suddenly you converted to present tense. You should choose only one.

For example, you started with: 

"I woke up to the sound of..." [past tense]

But then it suddenly became: 

"He stops as black dots cloud my vision..." [present tense]

(See what I meant by tenses clashing?) 



Characterization: 1.5/5

In here, you do a lot of telling, and very little showing. The depression part isn't that harsh, and Mia is getting depressed over a phone.

She doesn't have to stutter every single word when she's around Jacob, because it's kinda annoying when that happens.

And about Jacob's character, is he the bad boy you're talking about? Cussing and being a snob isn't really enough to define him as a bad boy. It kinda makes him a jerk.

And also, why does Mia have to faint so conveniently? This affects realism, you know. No one just faints like that, and then doesn't get their face squashed by the hardness of the floor. Fainting hurts, you know.

I don't know the father's name. Is he really that unnecessary to the story? And what about their surnames, and their age? This is an important element here.



Plot: 2/5

I only have very little to say in this part, since I still think that I've seen so many scenes with these bad boy, abuse, transfer, and depression. Just hoping that there's a sudden twist here that will hopefully separate it from the cliché world.



Realism: 1.5/5

I have an issue with the fainting part. Please don't do that, okay? Fainting like that isn't good. It's abnormal.

And with the depression part. I don't think you're doing it right. The vibes filled with depressing thoughts can't be felt, and you don't even give readers time to dwell and poke around inside Mia's mind. These kinds of things need extensive showing, or else the readers will never he able to relate. Use more sensory images to support your storyline, okay? 


Overall Score: 10.7/30


Hello, this is your chosen critique, Painite! Thank you for choosing me, and I'm sorry for being blunt on you. These are just my honest opinions, and if you have something to say, just comment inline or something!

Please be reminded that this review is purely subjective and can vary from a different person's perspective. So keep an open mind and type on.


NOTE FROM SUNSHINE: 

Building on from what our lovely reviewer Painite said, I think it's best you do some research if you're going to incorporate elements of depression and abuse. Sometimes, stories can accidentally romanticise mental illness - which is absolutely not what we want. The best way to counter this risk is to do thorough research rather than drawing from stereotypes. :) 







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