Story: Rose in a Heartful of Thorns
Author: feren_
Summary: 5/5
In my opinion, it's a faultless summary. It had all the right things – introduction of the protagonists, introduction of the conflict propelling the story, and introduction of the general setting. All of that information is woven in seamlessly, and I like that you only give away enough information to stimulate the reader's curiosity. I desperately wanted to know more about the hostage situation and the whole royal circle, so well done! The final line is also a powerful way to reference some themes within the story as well, so excellent work there!
On a side note, the title of your story, while I love the symbolism, doesn't sound right? Shouldn't it be "A Rose in a Heartful of Thorns" or "The Rose in a Heartful of Thorns"?
Grammar: 4/5
Your grammar, for the most part, is spot on! You clearly know your basic grammar and punctuation rules, so well done there. However, there were definitely a few things I picked up on:
First of all, your use of semicolons is sometimes right but sometimes wrong. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly intertwined. I've been told that a semi-colon is even a good replacement for the word "because" or "so". For example:
"We had too many fumbles; we lost the game."
The above sentence uses a semicolon accurately, because the fumbles are what caused them to lose the game. The two sentences directly influence one another.
Now, let's look at some examples you have here:
"His body was lean-built; and compared to Mr Townsend, he appeared incredibly tall."
The lean-build and the height don't make sense together. Something like this (though it's not my best example) would make more sense:
"He was incredibly tall; hell, he practically towered over Mr Townsend."
Again, not the greatest example, but both clauses are strongly linked. Another example:
"Her hair shone in a flow of gleaming caramel; a flicker of disapproval behind her narrow hazel eyes."
Again, the semicolon isn't relevant here. The hair shining has nothing to do with the disapproval in her eyes.
An accurate use of semicolon that you have used is:
"None of you should be concerned with this; this is my issue."
This is accurate, because the clauses are strongly tied together. They shouldn't be concerned because it is her issue. So, in this instance, you've used semicolon correctly.
There were also some minor mix-ups between your 'was' and 'were'. Remember, 'were' is only used for plural. So, let's take this example:
"And this judgement were further approved..."
It should be "was approved" because it's only a singular judgement. Also:
"Whatever Tanya were about to say were lost forever."
I think you meant "Whatever Tanya was about to say was lost forever".
Overall, great job!
Character Building: 4/5
I'm going to start by saying that Eleanor's narration is great! It's strong, engaging and fluent. I also like the way she shares her emotions through the physiological things she is feeling, so well done! In general, your characters are done wonderfully. They feel fleshed out, and better yet, they have their flaws. I love the occasional battle with pride that both Eleanor and Isaac themselves facing, and it's so refreshing to hear both their sides of the story to really help us understand how complex this hostage-situation is. And, Ansel fascinates me too.
Your characters' interactions are wonderfully realistic and even comedic, which is a great juxtaposition against the tension that drives some scenes.
Just be wary, there was a lot of name dropping in that first chapter. The characters that were shown were: Eleanor, Eleanor's dad, Isaac, Mr Crawford, Mr Danvers, Mr Townsend, Tanya, Lucas and Redwood – that is 9 characters in one chapter. And then there was also the characters who were mentioned but weren't shown, which were Christine, Eleanor's mother, Reyes, Alicia Cunningham, Miles, and Ms Hutchins. That's a total of 15 names in one chapter. And that is a lot for a reader to take in. My suggestion? Keep the name-dropping purposeful. If we don't need it just yet, don't add it.
That being said, the characters that were introduced made very strong impressions and had their own distinct characteristics. So well done with that.
Just a quick note: when the chapter changed to Isaac's perspective, it took me far too long to work it out. Maybe I was being a slack reader, and I did pick it up soon enough, but I think it needs to be made clearer towards the start. Because it's the first time the book every shifts perspective, so maybe if you could add a subtle little indication? Of course, when we fully sank into Isaac's perspective, it was wonderful – but just make it a little more obvious towards the start. Because, until the "I scowled in confusion", I was convinced it was in third person.
Writing Style: 4/5
Your beginning and endings of chapters are incredibly powerful and serve as wonderful ways to captivate the reader. Well done, there! Your writing is also incredibly fluent, and you have clearly mastered writing in first person, which is no easy feat! You should be proud of yourself.
I also must commend you on your wonderful use of literary devices! It's so nice to see authors on Wattpad utilise metaphors and simile to help ground the reader. They fit the story very well, too; they don't feel out of place with the rather sophisticated language that Eleanor narrates with. You also manipulate your sentence structure wonderfully – I love your dramatic, one-sentence paragraphs! Really well done.
I do wish you could have fleshed out the description of the settings more! I feel like I hardly know what the school and the classrooms really look like, as well as the office in the first chapter. I know your settings aren't exactly unfamiliar to most people and it's fair enough to expect the reader to make their own assumptions, but it's your job as the author to provide some description to help shape those assumptions. Tell me what the school smells, looks and sounds like. You're very good at description – milk that talent out as much as you can!
Plot + Originality: 4/5
It's very hard for me to rate this, because I still don't know where the story is leading. But I will say that your writing is very clever. I love that you give away just enough information to keep the reader hooked, but not enough to satisfy all their burning questions. And I'm so glad that you're very slowly weaving in the threads of the hostage backstory! I hate it when authors word-vomit it all at once. Nice job there!
Originality wise, there are definitely some familiar themes. But that's sort of a given with the whole high-school setting. But I'm not too concerned considering your writing style itself is very much unique. Personally, I don't like that lots of guys are paying attention to Eleanor because that's just a pet-peeve of mine (I don't really like it when more than two guys show a liking towards the main character), but that's very much a personal thing and it's probably done intentionally because of who Eleanor is.
My one suggestion is to keep things as purposeful as possible. If it won't contribute to the plot, don't include it. Another thing that bugs me, and this comes back to the originality part, is that in every class, it's always group work and you never really hear about what they are learning. Of course, I understand that this is just convenient for the plot, but it's just another pet-peeve I have. Maybe try more creative ways to make certain characters find themselves together? (Like the noodles in the cafeteria – that was good!) Sorry, I'm being awfully picky here. I think I've been reading too much teen fiction. But I think it'd be a great way of separating your story from the rest!
OVERALL SCORE: 21/25
Overall, an amazing start to a promising story! Just make sure you get those semicolons sorted out, and try to work on keeping those name-droppings purposeful! I hope this review helps.