Title: The Vampires of New York
Author: AdriannaRaines3172
Summary/Blurb: 4.5/5
You have an excellent choice for words, milady! On the spot and precise, telling the concept and introducing the main character—Amy right away. But in my opinion, the description might need a pinch of 'Sebastian' side and spice. You can also include Amy's surname, since that usually makes the blurb more intriguing, along with a question in the end. But overall, the decision is yours, milady!
Description: 3.5/5
What more can I say? I like the way you handle and play with the words—and the heavy ones.
I noticed that in the dialogues of the characters though, that the word 'said' has been used a lot. Even though this word is the basis, there are also other words that can be used as replacement to add more flavor.
*Instead of "he said angrily,"
*It can be "he shouted/yelled/screamed/barked/hollered,"
Other words include: Inquired, began, started, stated, declared, huffed, chimed, questioned, chocked, begged, gagged, gasped, etc...
There's also the show vs. tell part. I've noticed that you tend to use more telling, so I suggest you delve further into Amy's mind, and show the readers that her mind is a tangle—of emotions that we need to feel as well, okay?
Grammar: 4.7/5
As I've said earlier, the way you play with the words are already brilliant, so I'm very happy to let you know that there's only one thing I noticed that's a little off about the grammar.
I think it was in chapter 1, that you used an incorrect form of tense. "Followed" was the verb on the first sentence (notice that it's in past tense)
But in the second one was the word "opens" which was in present form.
*I found this one on Sebastian's entrance.
*You need to be careful with this, since there are instances when one can slip, even though they have intended their story to be written in past tensed verbs.
Characterization: 4.5/5
Whoo!! I love the characters in here! Especially that grumpy guy at the basement (haha) and Sebastian. I half expected him to be the vampire, but I didn't expect anyone else to be.
I like Amy's character because of her wits (great job at adding that!) And as I've said on the description part, I think you should engage your readers—us—more into Amy's thoughts. The part where she saw Sebastian's vampire fangs and biting part sounded quite empty even with the exclamation points because I didn't have the chance to read how she felt exactly.
And since you're using first person POV, it's okay not to enter the minds of other characters yet—unless you switch POVs.
Remember, emotions and showing!
Plot: 5/5
Yo! Awesome plot by the way!! I love the way your story moves, and I'm very happy to say that it's perfect and complicated! Just how I like the plots made. Those ferals and the clans and the organizations and the everything else!! Whoa, they're awesome. I'm glad I read this story, it's amazing, actually!
Realism: 4.7/5
This is doing great so far as well! You see, even though the story revolves around the supernatural, doesn't mean that they don't follow the rules of their society. I'm really awed by how you managed to explain the world of the vampires in your book without sounding boring. Thumbs up for me, milady! Kudos!
EXTRA REQUESTS:
Flow: the flow of your story is calm and soothing so far. Not too fast that it can give someone a whiplash, and not too slow as well. You surely have a nice, easy-going pace, so keep it up!
Enjoyment: I really enjoyed your story, and it gave me a wider opinion and views about vampires, especially with Sebastian. I kinda wish that the vampire I created wasn't so lazy, haha. I was also intrigued by his past as well. The way you made this makes it thrilling and fun!
Overall Score: 26.9/30
You have given a new light to the classical vampires, (not the sparklyones, yes.) And I love it! Brilliant work on this part!!
Thanks for choosing me, Painite as the reviewer for your magnificentstory, milady! It's an absolute pleasure to help you get your feedback and I'msorry, (if I offended you in any way) and please keep in mind that this reviewis purely subjective and can vary from a different perspective. So keep an openmind and type on!