"He died because of me. I mean, I thought it was because of me." I finish my simple story about the dream which is the scene where Allan died.
Ryan is quiet and doesn't say anything. He looked down at his feet after listening to my story.
"Are you okay?" I ask him out of curiosity.
He still doesn't reply.
"Ryan? Ryan!" I shake his shoulder so that he notices me.
"Em, yes. I'm. Err. I.... I was..." His voice is shaky. Something is wrong. I know.
"What happened?"
"Just... I... Erm... I'm sorry for his death." He said that without looking at me. Why is he like this?
Well, I may know for a long time but we don't spend time that much for me to know how reacts would be strange or anything but I still can see how people react differently when they are uncomfortable.
"Ryan? Are you really okay? I mean, you don't look comfortable. Is something troubling you?" I hold his arm.
Surprisingly, he pushes my hand slowly.
"Yes, I'm okay. Nothing much."
"No. I know something is wrong."
"Really. I'm serious."
"I don't believe you."
"Then, it's your choice" He replies with cold voice and gets up from his seat.
I was shocked and I don't know how to reply that but I know something is wrong. He never treats me this way. At least not until now.
"Ryan, seriously. What with the sudden change in your mood?" I try to convince to tell me what bothers him but it seems like he's not falling into the trap.
"Nothing! I told you!" It's the first time he raises his voice at me.
I stunned there and just don't move. Yes, I did nothing as I was too shocked just my eyes become wider I think.
You know that feeling when someone yell or scream at you and you suddenly want to tear up for no reason? Even if that person is kidding or does it without any attention to hurt you, you just can't stop feeling like you're the wrong one here. And that's what I'm feeling. I don't know what did I do wrong and why he yelled at me but I feel like I'm gonna cry soon.
"Ouh... Okay, I'm sorry... For being concern I guess" I look away from his eyes when I say that because I don't want him to see my watery eyes but obviously my voice doesn't help that.
He realize that my voice has changed and takes a step forward towards me. And I take one step back.
"No, no Abby. I don't mean to yell at you. I just... It was..."
I don't want to hear anything and my tears just flow out from my eyes. I'm mad at my own eyes right now that I cry in front of Ryan just because he accidentally yelled at me. I must loom so childish, right?
I turn my back right away and wipe my tears.
"It's okay. I'm fine. Just I want to go home. And I think it's best if you go home too. I can manage." I hear his footsteps coming closer to me and I take more steps so I'll be further from him.
"Abby, I'm really sorry. I-"
I turn back to him and face him.
"Ryan, let's just go home. It's getting late. Good night."
I quickly say good bye and walk myself to my house which is luckily not so far from the park because I'm still scared to go out walking at night alone, okay. Don't blame me, I'm a girl.
I take a look at Ryan before I'm crossing the road and I see Ryan sits on the bench with his head in his hands. I don't know wether he is crying or thinking but I better save that curiosity for next time.
When I get home, mom is at the kitchen. I go to the kitchen just to let her know that her daughter is home.
"Hey, mom." I approach her at the kitchen counter with a glass of milk on her right hand and a letter which I assume is from work on her left hand.
"Hey, honey. I didn't hear you coming." she looks away from the letter and tries to look something behind me.
"Where's Ryan? He already goes home?"
"Uh, um... Yeah, he said he needs to settle something at home and told me to tell you thank you and sorry for going that quick." I try to make some excuse and I hope Mom will fall for that. Even though it's kinda cliché but that's the best I can think right now.
"Ah, I see. Well, that's okay then. Send my regards to him if you see him again."
"Yeah, hm sure. I will."
I need to change the topic, right?
"Mom, what is that letter?" I point my head to the letter in her hand that she reads when I get there.
"Oh, it's an invitation for a tea party. It will be next Saturday. Do you want to come with me?" She hands me the letter and I take a look at it.
"And join some boring discussions? Hm, I'll think about that." I give it back to her.
"Oh, come on, it's not that boring. You may make friends there. But I'm not forcing you. If you want to come, just tell me."
"Alright, mom. Good night. Love you." I go to her side and give her a hug.
"Good night. Love you too, honey."
°°°°°
"Is there something wrong with what I said?"
I play with my hair while thinking about the incident with Ryan just now. He doesn't usually like that to me because he's such a sweet type. I guess I don't know him long enough.
Bip.
'Must be Ryan.' I just looked at my phone before deciding to take it and read the message.
Ryan : Hey. You asleep?
You really think I can sleep that fast after what happened huh?
Ryan : I see you online. I just want to say that I'm really really sorry again. like seriously sorry.
I know he means what he said but yeah I still need some time so I just leave him on read and put it back on the table.
I finish my night skincare routine and quickly drift myself to sleep because it has been a long day for me.
°°°°°
The next day is Sunday and I decided not to get up early and spend some times at home,doing some homework and study.
I guess that's just a plan when Harley calls me at 8 in the morning just to tell me that she wants to hang out at my house. You know, Harley and study is not really a good match so I might need to listen to her story or maybe watch some movies or series that she wants while eating ice-cream.
"Harley, just come over if you want. You just disturb my beauty sleep."
"Abigail, it's eight! Get up from that bed and do-" I put the phone away from my ears and just put it on the table again. I know she's not gonna stop and I decided to just get my sleep again and endure her nagging later.