Review by Sunshine: ray_of_sunshine9
Title: Reflection
Author: wolfxrain
Summary: 4/5
First of all, you've got a pretty good summary! I'm glad that you introduced the concept of the Sairen Wolves and the Avros, and your introduction of the protagonist was slick and wonderfully done. You address the implications that will drive the plot forwards, and you have a powerful last line.
The only reason I didn't give it full marks is that it felt slightly clunky around some parts. Especially the sentence, "Though it is a war Lorraine and her pack faces, it is the least of their concern to save the human kind." I feel like that sentence isn't really relevant – it doesn't have any link between the sentence before and after it. It feels out of place. Try finding a more dramatic way to introduce the war, and try finding a way to link it to the rhetorical question before it. Maybe even consider removing that question itself? Maybe something like:
"Something subsides deep in her heart, something she was born with.
But that is the least of her concerns.
With secrets unfolding before her and a war rising from the shadows, Lorraine realises that this is only the beginning.
The beginning of a revolutionary power that only God's divine intervention can control."
Of course, this isn't the greatest example and its fluency could certainly be improved, but I just wanted to reinforce how spacing could be used to intensify the tension. But, otherwise, great job!
Grammar: 3/5
The grammar was okay! There weren't enough errors to completely interfere with the story, but there were quite a few issues that need fixing.
First of all, I am sucker for semicolons. I love it when people use semicolons, but only when they use it correctly. Unfortunately, there were some instances where your misused a semicolon. A semicolon is used to connect two clauses that can also work independently. In simpler terms, the sentences on either side of the semicolon should be a complete sentence on its own. And the two sentences must be interrelated. An example of a semicolon used incorrectly is:
"Just drop it," Jack requested as he walked past both Kiran and I; exiting the room.
"Exiting a room" cannot pass as a sentence on its own. Instead, it should be:
"Just drop it," Jack requested as he walked past both Kiran and I, exiting the room.
A comma works because the two clauses are interrelated, but the "exiting the room" relies on the first part of the sentence. So please be careful with your use of semicolon!
There are also some grammatical errors which need polishing. For example, you wrote "over bearing" when it should be "overbearing" (it is one word). And make sure you can differentiate your "there", "their" and "they're". You had a sentence describing the Avros where you wrote, "they're skin is like marble" – it should have been their, not they're. Otherwise you are saying "they are skin is like marble." Also make sure that your "i"'s are capitalised in words such as "I'm".
There were also some issues with tense. There were times where you flashed back into the past, especially in that first chapter when you described the tragedy of Lorraine's father and brother. Except, since the story is already in past tense, the entire backstory was confusing. Make sure you revise those bits and change it, and employ the word "had". For example, instead of:
"Joey jumped up on the large rock."
It should be:
"Joey had jumped up on the large rock."
This makes it clear to the reader that we are living in the past. Also, in a sentence like:
"But, the day that tragedy took place seven years ago, is the day I began to question if that strength really existed."
Because that day is in the past, you can't refer to it as "is the day". It already happened. It was the day. So, it should be:
"But, the day that tragedy took place seven years ago, was the day I began to question if that strength really existed."
You also need to revise punctuation with dialogue. If the dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'he whispered' – or anything that refers to how the character is saying the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. So, for example:
"We should tell her." Kyle mumbled.
This is incorrect. Because mumbled is a verbal tag, since he mumbled the words, it should be:
"We should tell her," Kyle mumbled.
And if there isn't a verbal tag following it, there should be a full-stop. For example:
"Maybe," Kiran all-of-the-sudden smiled.
This is incorrect. Because smiling has nothing to do with how the words are spoken (you can't smile the words), it should be:
"Maybe." Kiran suddenly smiled.
This rule does not include questions/exclamations. All questions should end with a question mark, and all exclamations should end with an exclamation mark.
But otherwise, pretty good job with basic grammar! I hope this helps you polish all of those errors up.
Character Building: 3/5
First of all, I LOVED Lorraine. I like that she, unlike some common protagonists, actually had flaws and I loved how those were addressed by Old Brian and all the other characters throughout. I like the way her backstory actually impacted her character, and I like the way she slowly develops as a character while the story progressed.
I also thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue and relationships between characters. It was entertaining, engaging and very realistic.
However, there were some issues with character building. And this was in every other character that wasn't Lorraine.
The main issue was that you introduced far too many characters all at once. There wasn't nearly enough description to counteract these introductions, and so, as a reader, I felt completely bombarded with all these characters. It was far too many to keep up with. I know it's hard; you've probably known these characters for years. But you have to remember that the reader hasn't. This is our first time meeting these characters. Try fleshing them out for us. Don't throw them all at us at once.
In Chapter 2, you introduced 8 characters at once: Jack, Nichole, Kyle, Luke, Shairee, the Avros, the little boy, and Old Brian. And, of course, Lorraine was there too – and she's relatively new for the reader since it is only the second chapter. Sure, not all characters are that relevant to the story as a whole and some die then and there, but because too many were introduced, I genuinely felt nothing for the little boy. I felt nothing to any of the characters. Because there were too many of them for me to keep track on.
My suggestion is to either slow down the pace, or to break it up for the reader. Don't introduce them all at once. Slowly let character after character trickle in over several chapters – don't rush it!
Writing Style: 3.5/5
There were some great things about your writing style! You used literary devices quite well, you showed rather than told, and some of your metaphors and similes were really fascinating but also evoked powerful imagery.
But, as discussed before, the mixing up of tenses and the overload of characters tended to break the fluency of the writing. Aside from that, I also wish I had some more setting! Tell me where we are a bit more – don't leave it entirely to the reader's imagination.
On a more positive note, you're great at describing sensory things, like the sounds of people's voices or what certain things feel like. Great job! Keep that up!
Just keep in mind that your story is heavily driven by the dialogue. There is quite a lot of dialogue. Try to find more action and more description to counteract this and balance it out a bit more – especially those earlier chapters.
Plot Uniqueness: 4/5
I do love a lot of the concepts in your story! The world you've created sort of reminds of the Shadowhunters fandom, but with a werewolf twist to it. You've definitely taken your own spin on the werewolf side of things, so well done and keep that up!
It is a little bit cliché, with the heroine who is special, who has a sad backstory that turned her into a badass. But you still executed it quite well, and the surrounding elements of the story are definitely quite unique. So well done with them!
OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25
I hope this review helps you hone your skills. It's mostly just polishing the grammar and revising how you are going to introduce all these characters but still ensure they remain distinct from one another. Keep up the great work!
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Client's Feedback - My review was really detailed and well done. Thank you! I found it very helpful (: